Anita Exley's Current Query

First of all: shout out to leap day. If you were born today, you're only one fourth as old as the rest of us, so you probably can't drink, smoke, or drive.

Next, does anyone know Anita? Probably not. Her blog is pretty new. But, like many of my New Zealand Middle Earthian friends, I met her through Jade. Anita blogs at Mutterings from the Oubliette, which is the second coolest title for a blog after The QQQE (no, I can't even be bothered to type the whole thing myself anymore, maybe I should reflect on that). Anyway, go follow her blog.

Back? Great. Here's her query:

Dear [agent],

[Enter research done on the agent and reference as to why I chose them to query]

In Georgian England, seventeen-year-old Allie Donovan carries an Egyptian blade in her boot, a chip on her shoulder and the shadow of the noose over her life.

Common born Allie roams the slate hallways of exclusive St Matthews armed with her dagger and sharp wit, trying to find her place in an inhospitable environment. She sparks conflict, physical and verbal, with the aristocratic Jared McLaren. The handsome noble is undefeated with a blade, until Allie turns his sense of honour upon him, for a win.

When a Kings Royal Aeronautical Corp airship lands at school, discharging black clad soldiers it raises a spectre from Allie’s past. Breaking Jared into the underground laboratory of their mutual friend, Zeb, they discover he’s not just constructing mechanical cats and automated limbs. He is working on a devastating new weapon for the military.

With Zeb marked as a target by the underworld, KRAC fails to protect him. Allie’s illicit skills and contacts make her the only one Jared can trust. The deeper Allie goes, her feelings for Jared intensify, as she discovers her history is intertwined with their mission.

In revealing her past, Allie jeopardises her future. She must decide her course if they are to find the weapon before it plunges Europe into a monstrous war.

REVELATION is a steampunk novel aimed at the young adult market. The novel is complete at 76,000 words.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

That's it.

What is it with Kiwis writing really good queries? Don't answer that. We'll be back tomorrow with my feedback, so please save yours for then as well.

Thanks!

CassaFire Blog Tour!

Today is the Catch Fire Blog Party, celebrating the release of CassaFire by Alex J. Cavanaugh! The goal is to help CassaFire “catch fire” on the best seller charts and achieve the success of the first book, CassaStar. There’s also a special package of prizes being given away at the author’s blog (copies of CassaFire, CassaStar, tote bag, mug, and bookmarks) as well as book giveaways during his two-week blog tour. See Alex’s site for details: http://alexjcavanaugh.blogspot.com/

CassaFire

by Alex J. Cavanaugh

CassaStar was just the beginning…

The Vindicarn War is a distant memory and Byron’s days of piloting Cosbolt fighters are over. He has kept the promise he made to his fallen mentor and friend - to probe space on an exploration vessel. Shuttle work is dull, but it’s a free and solitary existence. The senior officer is content with his life aboard the Rennather.

The detection of alien ruins sends the exploration ship to the distant planet of Tgren. If their scientists can decipher the language, they can unlock the secrets of this device. Is it a key to the Tgren’s civilization or a weapon of unimaginable power? Tensions mount as their new allies are suspicious of the Cassan’s technology and strange mental abilities.

To complicate matters, the Tgrens are showing signs of mental powers themselves; the strongest of which belongs to a pilot named Athee, a woman whose skills rival Byron’s unique abilities. Forced to train her mind and further develop her flying aptitude, he finds his patience strained. Add a reluctant friendship with a young scientist, and he feels invaded on every level. All Byron wanted was his privacy…

Available today!

Science fiction - space opera/adventure

Print ISBN 978-0-9827139-4-5, $15.95, 6x9 Trade paperback, 240 pages

EBook ISBN 978-0-9827139-6-9, $4.99, available in all formats

CassaFire is the sequel to Cavanaugh’s first book, CassaStar, an Amazon Top Ten Best Seller:

“…calls to mind the youthful focus of Robert Heinlein’s early military sf, as well as the excitement of space opera epitomized by the many Star Wars novels. Fast-paced military action and a youthful protagonist make this a good choice for both young adult and adult fans of space wars.” - Library Journal

You can visit the author’s site at: http://alexjcavanaugh.blogspot.com/

Book trailer available at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qa6VINRGtyE.

Or buy the book at:

Barnes and Noble

Amazon

Amazon Kindle

And here's the awesome trailer, for those who prefer not to click through to Youtube:



Please note: anyone who comments on Alex's posts during his blog tour - February 27th through March 9th - can win the special package from his publisher, mentioned above: copy of CassaFire and CassaStar, a large tote bag, and a mug. The Twitter hashtag for the party is #CatchFire

A to Z Reminder

We're hoping to get to a thousand blogs signed up by the end of the month. So today's post is a reminder:

If you haven't signed up, sign up below. If you have signed up, remind your friends. Last year over thirteen hundred blogs took part, and we're hoping to have at least that many this year.

It'll work great if you tell two blogs, and they tell two more, and so on, and so on.

Deniz Bevan's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday, QQQE Massive. Today we have Deniz's query again, this time with my thoughts, in red.

Here we go:

Dear [Agent],

Rosa becomes separated from her family as they flee their Spanish homeland – and the Inquisition. Now her one hope of reaching Constantinople, and reuniting with her family, lies with a stranger, Baha, an artist from the Ottoman Empire. As they travel together, Rosa's drive to find her loved ones is matched by a deepening desire for the man at her side.

At first glance, this looks awesome. I mean you've got such a unique setting, I would personally probably request pages on that alone. But with a closer inspection, you're missing some key elements. We can tell from the genre you share later that Rosa is probably an adult, but we really need to get a better sense of character in the query. We've got a lot of tough, exciting things happening to her, but we have no idea who she is.

I think we can safely assume her family is not Catholic, and is therefore fleeing the Inquisition because they would otherwise face persecution, but I'd like to get a better understanding of why they'd head to Constantinople. Was that not the seat of the Catholic church at the time? The home of the Pope? Or was that much earlier? Either way, it would help your plot make more sense if we understood why.

Finally, who is Baha and why is he the only person who can help her? I mean, sure, he sounds very cool, and I love the idea of an artist (what kind?) from another culture being able to help her flee, but it doesn't make sense to me how he comes out of left field or why he has the power to help her when no one else can. I'm sure it makes perfect sense in your novel, but here I'm left scratching my head a bit.

And I'm not going to mention the em-dash. You guys know by now how I feel about em-dashes in queries.

Her family refuses to accept this man of a different faith, I thought she was separated from her family, and the plot was going to be how she returned to them? It sounds like maybe the separation is only part of the story, but be careful about making that kind of leap in a query. but when janissaries I'm no expert, but I think Janissaries needs to be capitalized. arrest her father and brother, Rosa and Baha risk everything to rescue them. Together they will prove that their love can withstand their differences... if the Grand Vizier doesn't throw them both into the dungeons first.

The rest of this is pretty awesome. It's quick, and to the point, but it packs a nice punch, and it really sets up your world and your setting in just a few short sentences.

OUT OF THE WATER is complete at 115,000 words. I admire your client [Name] and found your website through [his/her] blog. Based on [xyz], you might find my 15th Century historical romance a good fit for your interests.

I'd say this is pretty good, especially if the author the agent represents is someone you know well through blogging or conferences.

I have lived and worked in Turkey, and my non-fiction work, including travel articles, book reviews and personal essays, has most recently appeared in the trilingual (English, French, and Turkish) newspaper Bizim Anadolu. Initial drafts of OUT OF THE WATER were revised through participation in author Barbara Rogan's invitation-only Next Level Workshop. I don't know anything about this workshop, but it sounds prestigious enough to mention, so I'm going to assume it is. The rest of this is top-notch. Even though you're not published when it comes to fiction, you clearly have unique experience that directly relates to your ability to tell this story.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Deniz Bevan

So, to summarize, as many people pointed out yesterday, this premise is so interesting, and lush, and unique, I think your query would probably do pretty well as is. In order to make it even sharper, and reflect a bit better how awesome your story is, it needs to open with a better sense of Rosa's character, and then include logic for why Baha can save her, and then explain how they get to Constantinople to deal with her family.

Other than that, I think you're already in great shape.

That's it.

What do you all think?

Deniz Bevan's Current Query

Do you guys know Deniz? She blogs over at The Girdle of Melian (and if you don't know what that references, we probably can't be friends). Go on. Go follow her.

Back? Excellent.

Here's her query:

Dear [Agent],

Rosa becomes separated from her family as they flee their Spanish homeland – and the Inquisition. Now her one hope of reaching Constantinople, and reuniting with her family, lies with a stranger, Baha, an artist from the Ottoman Empire. As they travel together, Rosa's drive to find her loved ones is matched by a deepening desire for the man at her side.

Her family refuses to accept this man of a different faith, but when janissaries arrest her father and brother, Rosa and Baha risk everything to rescue them. Together they will prove that their love can withstand their differences... if the Grand Vizier doesn't throw them both into the dungeons first.

OUT OF THE WATER is complete at 115,000 words. I admire your client [Name] and found your website through [his/her] blog. Based on [xyz], you might find my 15th Century historical romance a good fit for your interests.

I have lived and worked in Turkey, and my non-fiction work, including travel articles, book reviews and personal essays, has most recently appeared in the trilingual (English, French, and Turkish) newspaper Bizim Anadolu. Initial drafts of OUT OF THE WATER were revised through participation in author Barbara Rogan's invitation-only Next Level Workshop.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Deniz Bevan

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, when I'll be sharing mine.

Devin Cushman's Current Query Critiqued

Before we get to work, I want to make an announcement. I'm entering into a query critique partnership of awesomeness with my friend Ishta Mercurio. Basically, I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing, but Ishta is going to join me as a resident Picture Book query critique expert. What that means is that if I get any requests for PB query critiques, the query will actually go up on Ishta's blog, but still get my feedback, along with hers. If she gets any requests for query critiques for novels, we'll do the critique on my blog, again with combined feedback.

So that's it. Go make sure you're following Ishta, so you don't miss any of these new critiques.

Now, we're back to Devin's query. Before we get to the red ink and my thoughts, it looks like very few of you went to follow Devin's blog. She's very nice, and was totally understanding about me screwing up her gender yesterday, so please drop by Cushman in Cairo, and clock that follow button.

And now let's get to it. For anyone who hasn't seen one of these before, Devin's query will be in plain text, and my feedback will be in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

I would like to submit for your consideration my young adult, science fiction novel, AMPED.

You don't need this. Either put a more detailed personalized paragraph up front, or leave this info to your subject line or the final paragraph.

In a fiery burst of orange and purple, a solar flare erupts across the sky. This is interesting. Normally queries open with character first, but I think this can work. My only question is one of logistics. Is this solar flare really so vast it can be seen with the naked eye? Because that's not how it usually works, and if that's how this one works in your novel, that's kind of awesome. Avery Lancaster can suddenly see haunting images when she’s touched. This is where you need more. One reason queries often start with character is because it's the most important thing. Who is this story about, and what kind of person are they? Therefore: why should we care what happens to them? Opening by introducing your character gives you a chance to let us know what kind of person she was before the story began. She has no idea what these images mean, and she’s not the only one with a new, freaky ability. Teenagers all across America are suddenly getting Amped. The rest of this I like. Great inciting incident.

I would switch your opening paragraph around a bit. Open with Avery, tell us how old she is, and give us at least a word or two about what kind of person she was before the flare. Then you can mention the flare, and lead into the changes it brought for teens across America. Also, why only America?

The Flare Research Center is formed, and Flare victims are brought in for “their own” safety. No one’s calling it a prison sentence, but Avery has no intention of being used as a guinea pig. She and her friends flee into the mountains of Colorado just as winter descends.

I like this. It raises the stakes, and sets up some great conflict. Just a couple things need clarifying. Does she go to the center, and then escape, or do she and her friends flee before ever getting sent there? 

Survival is their only goal until they meet another group of runaways. Why does that change anything? This other group has already been investigating? Using their unique Amps, they band together to stay alive, and hidden from the FRC agents combing the mountains. But hiding isn’t enough. They must learn why the Flare only affected teenagers.

Except for what I mentioned, this is good. It sets up a mystery, with a clear set of goals.

When they discover the government is involved, they make a plan to bring the whole system down. But how can a motley group of kids take on the government? You don't need to ask this question, it's already implied, and the idea that it's going to be difficult should be obvious. In order to stop the FRC, Avery must face her greatest fear; embracing her Amp. If she doesn’t learn to harness her power, she may lose more than her normalcy. She may lose her life.

Otherwise, this is great. This ending summarizes a tough choice your character will have to make very well.

AMPED is complete at 80,000 words. It’s the journey of a broken girl searching to find her place in a changing world. It would appeal to young adults, with its strong female voice and unique elements of survival.

You don't need any of this. This is telling what the novel is about, when you've already shown us. Let your query and your pages speak for themselves, and then just continue directly to this next paragraph.

When I’m not writing novels, I am a technology specialist working at an American International School in Cairo Egypt.

If you would like to consider AMPED, I’d be happy to forward the complete manuscript. I also have an outline available for potential sequels.

The rest of this closing is good.

So, to summarize: most of this query is in great shape. The ending summary, and the tough choice your character is going to have to struggle to make, is particularly compelling. The main thing that needs work is your opening. We need a better sense of who Avery is before the changes, and why she struggles so much to accept what is different about her.

Other than that, just clarify a few things I've pointed out, and you'll be in great shape!

Sincerely,

Devin Cushman

That's it.

What do the rest of you think? Did I miss anything? How would you re-write Devin's opening hook?

Devin Cushman's Current Query

Due to the wonders of the internet, I'm covering the query letter of a writer I've never met, even online. Devin was referred to me by Jade, who I'm sure you all recall from the other week.

I've asked him about a blog to link to, but so far I haven't heard back. Tomorrow (Tuesday) is a family day, so if I don't hear back tonight, I'll have to add his link to Wednesday's post.

UPDATE: I heard back from Devin. He does have a blog. You can find it, here. Please stop by and follow him.

UPDATE THE SECOND: Well this is embarrassing. Turns out Devin is a woman. Sorry about that! I could just edit the pronouns in the original post, but it's more honest (and much funnier) to do it this way.

Anyway, here's the letter:

Dear Agent,

I would like to submit for your consideration my young adult, science fiction novel, AMPED.

In a fiery burst of orange and purple, a solar flare erupts across the sky. Avery Lancaster can suddenly see haunting images when she’s touched. She has no idea what these images mean, and she’s not the only one with a new, freaky ability. Teenagers all across America are suddenly getting Amped.

The Flare Research Center is formed, and Flare victims are brought in for “their own” safety. No one’s calling it a prison sentence, but Avery has no intention of being used as a guinea pig. She and her friends flee into the mountains of Colorado just as winter descends.

Survival is their only goal until they meet another group of runaways. Using their unique Amps, they band together to stay alive, and hidden from the FRC agents combing the mountains. But hiding isn’t enough. They must learn why the Flare only affected teenagers.

When they discover the government is involved, they make a plan to bring the whole system down. But how can a motley group of kids take on the government? In order to stop the FRC, Avery must face her greatest fear; embracing her Amp. If she doesn’t learn to harness her power, she may lose more than her normalcy. She may lose her life.

AMPED is complete at 80,000 words. It’s the journey of a broken girl searching to find her place in a changing world. It would appeal to young adults, with its strong female voice and unique elements of survival.

When I’m not writing novels, I am a technology specialist working at an American International School in Cairo Egypt.

If you would like to consider AMPED, I’d be happy to forward the complete manuscript. I also have an outline available for potential sequels.

Sincerely,

Devin Cushman

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and have a great Tuesday!

Troll Hunter

I finally watched Troll Hunter this weekend. Like many films that would have otherwise flown under my radar, I heard about this one from Alex J. Cavanaugh. It was a fun, entertaining movie.

Like a lot of low budget films coming out these days, this is a "found footage" mockumentary, or in other words, a fictional film made to appear real. Most of it is very well done. Unlike The Blair Witch Project, or Cloverfield, the hand held camera aspect never gets so herky-jerky that it makes you dizzy. The special effects are also mostly very good. There was one scene near the beginning that got a little cheesy and could have been done better, but after that most of the shots were amazing. The scene on the bridge in particular was incredibly well done, if you've seen the movie.

Anyway, this dark fantasy is definitely worth a rental (it's currently on Netflix streaming, so if you have that, it's free) if you enjoy that kind of thing, but might be a little scary for young children. It's rated PG-13 for some sequences of creature terror.

From IMDB:

A group of students investigates a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter.

Amber Mauldin's Current Query Critiqued

Welcome to Friday, people. I hope you're all as glad as I am that it's finally here. In quick news, I just want to suggest you check out The Secret World of Arriety. Miyazaki did not direct this one, but he did pen the screenplay, and like all Studio Ghibli releases, it looks like an instant classic for the family. Any movie that young kids will enjoy and doesn't bore me to death is a winner, if you ask me.

Anyway, today is about Amber's query. This is the hard but good part. As usual, my thoughts will be in red.

Let's do work:

Dear (Agent),

It's hard enough being a lanky, seventeen(-)year(-)old boy who sparks lightning from his palms anytime he gets upset, but when Gabriyel’s parents are murdered and his best friend Rhet is kidnapped all in one tragic night, an unruly band of misfits might be his only chance at saving him. Gabriyel must learn to harness his supernatural abilities in order to fight alongside an alliance of gifted individuals. The only problem is, he can't seem to stop fighting against them.

Okay. This is one of the better openings I've seen when it comes to getting a good sense of character into your hook, but some things are missing. For one thing, in a YA novel, it's almost always key to make the protagonist's age known ASAP. A 14-year-old can still star in a YA story, but it makes for a very different tale than one about a 17-year-old.

On top of that, I would consider your sentence structure. Your first sentence, consisting of three long clauses, is 51 words long. There's nothing wrong with long sentences, but there's a time and a place for them, and I would argue that the opening of a query letter is not it. Give your hook power by making it tight. Something like "16-year-old Gabriyel has always felt awkward in his lanky frame. It wouldn't be so bad if lighting didn't also uncontrollably spark from his hands every time he got upset." Obviously that's not great, and I'm sure you can do better, but the point is: try to limit your opening sentence to a strong but brief introduction of your character. The way you have it now, the second clause of the first sentence is your inciting incident, and the third clause looks to be rising action. You can wait a sentence or two to get to those things.

Finally, watch your pronouns and word choices. At the end of the first sentence, the him is a bit confusing. I mean, because it follows saving, it's not hard to puzzle out who you mean, but I had to read it twice to make sure, probably because the sentence is so long.

Awaking in a hospital from a brutal beating that left him unconscious for a day, cut, Gabriyel finds his world shattered. His parents have been murdered by the men that put him there, and his best friend Rhet is now missing, taken by the same men- try to avoid em-dashes in query letters, if you do use one, put two regular dashes in a row--a man named Samael and his legion of followers.

Most of this is a repeat of what you've already told us. Clearly there are some important new details, like Samael, and the fact that his men that put Gabe in the hospital are the same ones that murdered his parents, but the way this is written makes the first paragraph seem frivolous.  Either figure out a way to incorporate this information into your opening paragraph, or don't mention it until this one.

He excepts accepts the help of a dwarf(-)sized I would actually cut the sized, though. Just call her Dwarfish. woman(,) who is more than she appears, and she cut takes him into hiding. There he begins training for combat with an unruly group of supernaturally gifted teens who want to put an end to Samael's evil reign. This is the proper place for this rising action, I think. There's no need to mention this stuff in the opening paragraph. Feeling lost, alone, and angry at the world, Gabriyel must learn to control his temper and put aside his less-than-fond opinion of the group, in order to save Rhet. He needs their help. And soon he discovers there is more that binds him to this band of questionable heroes than the common enemy they share. This is a pretty good summary, and a decent sense of conflict, both internal and external, but I think you might add one more sentence, just to make it clear that they all go after Rhet together (assuming that's what they do).

Impenetrable, Working titles of unpublished manuscripts should be CAPITALIZED in a query letter. is a YA epic I would cut the epic. At 60,000 words it's not likely that epic. fantasy with Christian roots woven through the plot. I would not mention the Christian roots at this point. Not because Christian literature doesn't sell well--it does--but because the potential for alienating some agents is there. Get them to read your full, and make an offer of author representation, and then you can bring up the Christian symbolism, and that might guide your agent in what editors they want to submit to. Complete at 60,000 words, this novel, puts a unique spin on the classic story of the 40 days of temptation Christ suffered, but written from the POV of a hot headed disciple. You do need to mention your word count, but I would cut the rest of this. Again, discuss is on the phone with your agent. Based on your interest in (put my heavily researched information about books they represent, and what they are looking for) I believe this story is the right fit for you. Thank you for your time.

Okay, to summarize: you've got the beginnings of a good query here. Your character is pretty strong, and you've set him up for some great conflict, internal and external, and you only need to make a few changes before the strength of your story comes across clearly in your query.

My biggest problem is the repetition of ideas. A query needs to be succinct, and get to the point quickly. You don't have room to bring things up twice. Other than that, and a few other minor changes, I think you'd be well on your way to a great query if you can rearrange the opening, and remove the repetition.

Amber Mauldin

That's it.

Thanks so much for sharing your query with us, Amber. If this is your first one, I'm pretty impressed, because it's really a great start.

What do you guys think? Surely you can write a better first sentence or two than mine. Anything I missed? Anything you disagree with? Please let Amber know your thoughts in the comments.

UPDATE: I totally missed the fact that Gabe's age is clearly there in the opening. I can't believe I missed that. I must have been really tired. Good work putting that in, Amber, but make sure to hyphenate it. I could just edit my mistake out, but I'm not going to. It gives this critique character.

Amber Mauldin's Current Query

Here's another query for your perusal. Amber Mauldin blogs at Unyielding. Please drop by and follow her blog. Back? Great. Let's get to her query.

Here it is:

Dear (Agent),

It's hard enough being a lanky, seventeen year old boy who sparks lightning from his palms anytime he gets upset, but when Gabriyel’s parents are murdered and his best friend Rhet is kidnapped all in one tragic night, an unruly band of misfits might be his only chance at saving him. Gabriyel must learn to harness his supernatural abilities in order to fight alongside an alliance of gifted individuals. The only problem is, he can't seem to stop fighting against them.

Awaking in a hospital from a brutal beating that left him unconscious for a day, Gabriyel finds his world shattered. His parents have been murdered by the men that put him there, and his best friend Rhet is now missing, taken by the same men- a man named Samael and his legion of followers.

He excepts the help of a dwarf sized woman who is more than she appears, and she takes him into hiding. There he begins training for combat with an unruly group of supernaturally gifted teens who want to put an end to Samael's evil reign. Feeling lost, alone, and angry at the world, Gabriyel must learn to control his temper and put aside his less-than-fond opinion of the group, in order to save Rhet. He needs their help. And soon he discovers there is more that binds him to this band of questionable heroes than the common enemy they share.

Impenetrable, is a YA epic fantasy with Christian roots woven through the plot. Complete at 60,000 words, this novel, puts a unique spin on the classic story of the 40 days of temptation Christ suffered, but written from the POV of a hot headed disciple. Based on your interest in (put my heavily researched information about books they represent, and what they are looking for) I believe this story is the right fit for you.Thank you for your time.

Amber Mauldin

That's it.

Please keep in mind that today is just for introductions. I'm saving my feedback for tomorrow, and would appreciate it if you all could do the same.

Tricia Sutton's Current Query Critiqued

Here we are. Back with Tricia's query. For anyone who is new here, Tricia's query will stay in plain text, and my feedback will be in red.

Let's get right to it:

Dear Agent:

They are naïve. They are uncivilized. They are an Oklahoma family adjusting to 1970s California culture shock (shocking the culture, is more like it). Meet the Austens.

I'm not sure about this opening. I mean it's certainly unconventional, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not sure it hooks us in and makes a reader say "oh wow, I've GOT to read on." It does have some clever voice, but I'm not exactly sure what all this means. The Austens would have to be pretty strange to shock the flower-child culture of 70s California. Perhaps they are, but below it seems like with the Hippy Bus, they'd fit right in. Maybe the problem is that they're shocking the neighbors in their upscale neighborhood, and not California 70s culture in general.

The other problem, which actually may not be a problem due to the dual narrative frame story nature of your novel, is that we have no sense of character. You give us a pretty good one with the next paragraph, so I don't think it's a huge deal, but usually query letters open by introducing a character. I think yours can work without sticking to that norm.

Actually, Patty, the elementary-age youngest member, would prefer that you didn't. Not if she plans on fitting in. Her family, whose outrageous antics often leaves her hiding in embarrassment (even their cat is a regular in the police blotter), is only half the problem.

I like this. A lot. In fact, I think you might consider making Patty your hook. I mean she seems so unique, and turns out to be your narrator (in more than one way), so she would make a great opening. I don't think it's required to make this query work, but you should consider it.

Patty’s the other half. She practices every religion, for good measure, has inanimate objects for friends, i.e., Aunt Jemima syrup bottle and a pet rock, and believes in luck, charms, and signs. Clearly, her family’s not the only one a straw short of a haystack. I'm not sure about this. I like the voice, but isn't straw plural? What's the word for one stalk of straw? I'm no expert in hay, but for some reason it sounds off. But she craves a normal life. Normal isn’t for the hearing impaired. She’s too deaf for the hearing world and not deaf enough to ignore what folks are saying about her family, about her. Normal isn’t being the only white girl in an all black school. And when they move—and they move a lot—it isn’t being the only poor hillbilly among old-money privilege.

I love this character. That will probably be enough to make this query work, and therefore for an agent to request pages, but what's missing here is a clear sense of conflict. We get a general idea of the kind of things Patty's going to have to overcome, but the main conflict is so vague it's almost non-existent. Unless the main conflict is the issue about the psych ward. I'll get to that when we reach that part.

When her dad purchases a psychedelic hippie-band tour bus as their new residence and then parks it in their upscale neighborhood, she realizes that maybe she is meant for something different, that ordinary life is not for her. Being a society reject breeds an isolation that can lead one to amazing and unexpected things. Or life in the loony bin.

This is where the logic breaks down for me a little. If they're poor hillbillies, how to they afford to live in an upscale neighborhood? If not, and they're just rich and eccentric, why do they live in a bus? I'm sure it all makes sense in your novel, but in the query I get a bit confused.

In alternating timelines, adult Patty (our unreliable narrator) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery. Either from side-effects of morphine or perhaps from too many episodes of Jerry Springer, she believes she may actually be in the psych ward, contrary to what the staff tells her.

This is what I was referring to earlier. I get the sense that your novel has two plot arcs of equal importance and screen time, but neither one of their conflicts is made clear enough in the query. Clearly with an unreliable narrator who may or may not know exactly what is going on in the present, it's going to be hard to convey for sure what she must overcome in the query, but for the historical plot line, we definitely need a better, and more specific sense of what kind of adversity Patty has to overcome.

PSYCH WARD, a spotlight of my achievements, I'm not sure how this works. Normally the working title of an unpublished manuscript is capitalized but not italicized in a query letter. I don't know about subtitles like this. I suspect you've done it right, but I'm not positive. Although, you might want to not italicize the main title. is a 99,000-word family saga told in a nonlinear frame-like narrative with one protagonist, two storylines, and two plots. My story of the bullied misfit is softened with humor like that of THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF A PART-TIME INDIAN and of FORREST GUMP.

This novel reflects my own experiences growing up hearing impaired, which has enabled me to write with authenticity about my protagonist. I've had publications in Slow Trains, Turtle Quarterly, Halfway Down the Stairs, and various print and web magazines, including excerpts of my novel. For a list of publications, please visit http://dfmil09.wordpress.com/publications/

To summarize, this is one of the hardest queries I've ever critiqued. For one thing, it's very strong on certain things like voice and character. The issues I have with plot and conflict may not really apply to a query that is describing such an unconventional novel. My suggestion would be to only make the changes I suggest if they resonate with your vision for the story, and only if my readers and your critique partners concur. Another option is to send out a very few queries to see if it is working, before you begin to query widely.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Does the query really need a crystal clear sense of plot and conflict when the narrator herself may not know exactly what is going on? Can you imagine a query for a story that sounds like a cross between The Grapes of Wrath and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Anything I missed? Anything I said you disagree with?

Tricia Sutton's Current Query

I've still got several queries waiting in the queue, so today we have to get back to work. But don't worry, I haven't made it through all the blogs that took part in the Origins Blogfest yet, so if you didn't see me yesterday, expect me today.

Now, today's post is to introduce you to Tricia Sutton. She keeps an interesting blog, here, but it's a wordpress blog, so you'll have to sign up via RSS if you want to "follow." Please keep in mind, today is just an intro, and so that you can see Tricia's query without my red pixels all over it.

Here we go:

Dear Agent:

They are naïve. They are uncivilized. They are an Oklahoma family adjusting to 1970s California culture shock (shocking the culture, is more like it). Meet the Austens.

Actually, Patty, the elementary-age youngest member, would prefer that you didn't. Not if she plans on fitting in. Her family, whose outrageous antics often leaves her hiding in embarrassment (even their cat is a regular in the police blotter), is only half the problem.

Patty’s the other half. She practices every religion, for good measure, has inanimate objects for friends, i.e., Aunt Jemima syrup bottle and a pet rock, and believes in luck, charms, and signs. Clearly, her family’s not the only one a straw short of a haystack. But she craves a normal life. Normal isn’t for the hearing impaired. She’s too deaf for the hearing world and not deaf enough to ignore what folks are saying about her family, about her. Normal isn’t being the only white girl in an all black school. And when they move—and they move a lot—it isn’t being the only poor hillbilly among old-money privilege.

When her dad purchases a psychedelic hippie-band tour bus as their new residence and then parks it in their upscale neighborhood, she realizes that maybe she is meant for something different, that ordinary life is not for her. Being a society reject breeds an isolation that can lead one to amazing and unexpected things. Or life in the loony bin.

In alternating timelines, adult Patty (our unreliable narrator) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery. Either from side-effects of morphine or perhaps from too many episodes of Jerry Springer, she believes she may actually be in the psych ward, contrary to what the staff tells her.

PSYCH WARD, a spotlight of my achievements, is a 99,000-word family saga told in a nonlinear frame-like narrative with one protagonist, two storylines, and two plots. My story of the bullied misfit is softened with humor like that of THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF A PART-TIME INDIAN and of FORREST GUMP.

This novel reflects my own experiences growing up hearing impaired, which has enabled me to write with authenticity about my protagonist. I've had publications in Slow Trains, Turtle Quarterly, Halfway Down the Stairs, and various print and web magazines, including excerpts of my novel. For a list of publications, please visit http://dfmil09.wordpress.com/publications/

That's it.

Please thank Tricia for her courage, and for sharing her query letter so that we all can learn, and save your feedback for tomorrow, when I will give her mine.

Origins Blogfest

Welcome to the Origins Blogfest! This is the fest where we all share the beginnings of how we became a writer. The idea comes from DL Hammons, who along with Katie, and Alex, are my co-hosts for the blogfest. For the list of all participants, just click on that first link.

So let's get to it.

I shared a bit about how I fell in love with reading on Friday at Project Mayhem. I think it's a natural progression to go from falling in love with books and reading to falling in love with writing. That's certainly how it worked for me. So after falling in love with Tolkien, and collecting everything I could that had anything to do with Middle Earth, it was easy for me to get hooked on Dungeons & Dragons.

My best friend in grade school was Irish Catholic, so he had seven older brothers, and one younger. They all played D&D together, so whenever I went over to their house, it was wizards and warriors and epic adventures. I think that's what first made me fall in love with writing. Not only was it making things up, and using your imagination, but there was such language! Gary Gygax may not have ever been a novelist, but he sure knew how to describe a monster, and he made up some very cool spells.

From there I progressed to reading all the fantasy I could get my hands on. A lot of it was tie-ins like Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms, but I also enjoyed original stuff like Pern, and Shannara, and so on. I think I tried to write my first novel when I was about 12. In sixth grade. It was on Wordperfect, on a monochrome screen, and I only made it a few chapters in.

Then my reading matured, and I got into spy thrillers by the likes of Le Carre, Ludlum, and Forysth. I started writing short stories, and even won some kind of contest for a short story I wrote that I can't even remember. From there I got into poetry, and trying to write song lyrics. All through high school I loved to write, and wrote all kinds of different things.

Then things changed, and life got in the way, and I didn't write a thing for over a decade. It wasn't until a few years ago that I decided to write a novel, but that's probably a story for another time.

DIES IRAE Blog Tour

I am very excited to be taking part in Christine Fonseca's blog tour for the release of her novel DIES IRAE. I've known Christine for some time as the author of the great series of non-fiction books about gifted kids. They are excellent, and very useful books, but today is about her novel.

I've asked Christine to do a guest post, because I haven't had time to read her novel yet (although I read the first chapter, and am looking forward to finding the time to read the rest). I asked her to write about the difference between writing about teens (as in her non-fcition) and writing for teens (as in this awesome novella). Before I go on too long, I'm just going to let her take it away:

Writing For Teens vs. Writing About Teens

Hi all! Thanks, Matt, for hosting a leg of the blog tour for DIES IRAE. Today marks the end of the first full week. WOO HOO! I hope everyone has enjoyed the tour so far

For today, Matt asked me to write about my transition from writing nonfiction ABOUT teens to writing fiction FOR teens. What a great topic.

A little background is needed to really explain what the transition has been like. I am a trained school psychologist, adapting a cognitive behavioral approach to most of my work. Additionally, I am well versed and trained in integrative or transformational psychology. Basically, that means that I typically take the approach of teaching kids and adults how to change their perspective and reaction to things in life, thereby taking control (to whatever degree possible) over the outcome. Whew, what a mouth full.

Okay, keeping the above in mind, I started my soiree into writing by means of my nonfiction, writing books about the social and emotional needs of gifted children, including gifted teens. The audience for the books was initially parents and educators. Given my personal beliefs regarding psychological books, and my desire to make sure the information in my books was completely accessible to everyone, I chose a writing style that was more conversational and less formal.

With my next nonfiction book, I took much of the same information I had given adults and wrote it specifically for kids, aged 8-12, switching the tone to one that was even more fun and relaxed. My next book will be geared for teens, and the language and tone will reflect that.

With fiction, I’d always intended to write for teens and new adults. As a psychologist, I work with teens every day, so writing stories for them just seemed natural. And, given my tendency towards psychological concepts that speak directly to the specific audience I am dealing with, I assumed that this would be a natural transition for me.

Fortunately, it has been.

That said, there are a few things I keep in mind when writing specifically for teens:

• Language usage—I am very conscious of my word choice and grammar usage. While I never speak “down” to kids, I don’t want to speak in a way that is too formal either. This is probably the thing I have had to work on the most. Prior to writing books, my writing mostly consisted of psycho-educational reports and technical documents written in a strict APA style. Yeah, that does not work for fiction.
• Topic—as with nonfiction, I am always striving to fill a void, whether that means filling a specific educational niche, or writing a familiar story in a new way. Topic is something very important to readers, and something I try to keep at the forefront of my thoughts while still keeping true to the artist inside.
• Cliché—yeah, I just avoid them. Period. At least I try to. My teen group, a group of several teens that serve as a focus group of sorts, is great at helping with this.
• “Smart” plots—one of the best things about working with teens, I realize just how smart they are. And how hungry they are for complex storylines. My job as an author is to constantly strive to give them just exactly that—a complex storyline that rings true.
• Authenticity—while all readers demand authenticity from their stories, I find teens to be particularly scrupulous in this regards. Sure, they are more than willing to suspend belief at times, but only if the plot is plausible in some way. Teens are relentless when it comes to characters behaving in an authentic manner, more so than most readers I think. So, I am too!

When I first tackled the topic Matt gave me, I will admit, I was nervous. I wasn’t sure I knew how I made the transition. In fact, I wasn’t at all certain that I had even made it successfully. And I’m still not entirely certain on that point. But, in thinking and stewing about this topic, there is something I am now certain of—the transition really wasn’t much of a transition. The overlap between my genres is much greater than I had previously realized. And other than the things listed above, things I pay particular attention to, yeah…there isn’t nearly as much of a difference between writing for teens and writing about teens. Not much at all.

I guess all of you will be the judge as to whether or not I did it successfully.

Thanks so much, Christine! I find the entire topic fascinating. Before I let you all go, I just want to let you know where you can find Christine, and her books. Before we get to links, though, here's the final cover of DIES IRAE:

Now here are Christine's links:

Her website.
Her blog.
DIES IRAE on Goodreads.
LACRIMOSA on Goodreads.
101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids
Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students.

That's basically it. Except Christine is also willing to offer two free downloads. The first is for any of you. All you have to do is comment on this post, mention that you would like to win, and provide your contact info if it is not already included in your blogger account. The second download can only be won by a teenager. If you know one, you can enter a second time on their behalf, but they'll need to be willing to supply Christine with their email address, and what type of e-book they need (Kindle, Nook, etc.). Yay for free books!

And one final thing, I'm posting over at Project Mayhem as well today, talking a little bit about what books mean to young people. Feel free to read that too. Thanks, and happy Friday!

Jeffrey Beesler's Current Query Critiqued

Good morning. Let's get right to Jeff's query, this time with my thoughts, in red.

Here we go:

Dear Mr./Ms. Redacted,

Sorceress Embekah Mare would just cut love it if she could just you could cut this one too, but as long as you don't have two in a row, you should be okay. focus on studying magic, rather than prepare for the day the Royal Army of Trava finally busts down her door. This isn't bad a hooks go. We've got a decent sense of character, and a hint of backstory that clearly sets up a possibility of conflict. I would like to see this executed a little differently. For one, I would separate a sentence or two from the rest of this paragraph, give it more punch. For another, you only give us one word of characterization. Sorceress is certainly a cool occupation, but it doesn't tell us much about what kind of person Embekah is. She hasn’t committed a crime in twenty years, her worst offense simply being a member of a now defunct thieves’ guild. I think you need to clarify this. Being a member of a Thieve's Guild, even a defunct one, sounds like a crime that might be more recent. Also, doesn't seem like much of a Thieve's Guild if membership is common knowledge. She can’t even procure information on magical toadstools from her former guild sister, Tarbra Relsh, without risking her freedom. Magic Mushrooms? Yes, please. Awesome. And it certainly seems strange how the army conveniently leaves Tarbra alone to run the Z’lymor Inn, yet jumps at the chance to arrest Embekah just for buying exotic toadstools at the local marketplace. On the one hand, I like this, because it sets up potential for distrust, but I'm not sure about how it's presented. It's very conversational, and unless the prose in the book is kind of light hearted like this, it might not be best to write the query that way.

So, as far as content, your opening paragraph is good. We got just enough backstory to guess at some potential conflict, we've got a decent sense of who our main character is, and we've got some interesting elements vying for our attention. I think with a better sense of Embekah's character right off the bat, and giving your hook a bit more punch, you'd be in great shape.

When a knight named Patrew invades Embekah’s abode, fury consumes her in a magical backlash that renders her unconscious. This is what I mean about voice, or presentation. I like the way this sentence is written, and I get the feeling it matches the voice in your novel better than the last one. Upon recovery, she awakens to discover a spell of entrapment binding them both inside the manor’s walls. Now forced to live together, she must navigate her way through alternating feelings of trust and suspicion, why would she trust him? That seems a bit counter-intuitive. contending with the man’s stubborn belief of her guilt all the while.

Except for the things I've pointed out, I really like this. This whole premise seems utterly unique to me, and I think it provides the opportunity for excellent drama. If I were an agent I would probably read pages simply for this premise alone.

And just when Embekah thinks she can fully trust Patrew, I'm still confused as to why should would trust this man who invaded her abode, and is convinced of her guilt. Is he not some kind of agent of the crown, originally sent to arrest her? If not, I think it would be key to explain why he showed up in her house in the first place. a shape-shifting spirit arrives inside the magical barrier’s walls to threaten her life. Only hers? Not Patrew's? Unless she diffuses I think you might mean defuses here, but I can see diffusion working too, depending on the nature of this spirit. this new menace, collapses the barrier or alerts Tarbra somehow, she may never escape her would-be captor.

Again, excellent content, execution needs a little work. I love how you raise the stakes, and leave Embekah with a clear, but difficult choice. You just need a bit more explanation on a few points, for clarity, and then this query will shine as well as your story clearly does.

Spell of Entrapment is a fantasy novel of approximately you don't really have to approximate. Agents know we round to the nearest clean round number. 72,000 words. And speaking of a clean, round number, this sounds a bit short for adult fantasy. Maybe not, though. With the premise of two people trapped in a house together, you can probably have an interesting plot without all the epicness of most fantasy. Sample pages and chapters are available upon request. This kind of makes it sound like the MS is not complete. Just say the full is available, if they want a partial they'll ask for a partial. Thank you for your time and consideration.

All in all, your query can be easily summarized: obviously very cool content, as in your premise is clearly awesome, but your execution needs a little work throughout.

Main things I want to see: a better sense of Embekah's character right off the bat. A stronger opening hook, separated from the other paragraphs. A clear explanation of Patrew's reasons for showing up, and how that effects the dynamic of his relationship with Embekah.

And I also want to know if she uses Magic Mushrooms to save the day. Just kidding.

Seriously, though? I think this query is very close. People obviously gravitated to what you had set-up in this letter yesterday, and I think agents will do the same, especially if you can polish it a bit, and make a few things clearer.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Beesler

That's it.

What do you guys think? Can anyone re-write Jeff's first sentence into a hook that really snags?

Jeffrey Beesler's Current Query

Another query today. What? This is the QQQE, after all. I'm sure you all know Jeff. He's one of the coolest blogger's out there, and a very encouraging friend. Plus, he lives on Bainbridge Island, and I'm totally jealous, because I'm from Seattle, but couldn't afford to stay there when it came time to grow up and buy property.

Anyway, enough about me. You can find Jeff's blog, here. You should visit him and follow it.

Back? Here's Jeff's query:

Dear Mr./Ms. Redacted,

Sorceress Embekah Mare would just love it if she could just focus on studying magic, rather than prepare for the day the Royal Army of Trava finally busts down her door. She hasn’t committed a crime in twenty years, her worst offense simply being a member of a now defunct thieves’ guild. She can’t even procure information on magical toadstools from her former guild sister, Tarbra Relsh, without risking her freedom. And it certainly seems strange how the army conveniently leaves Tarbra alone to run the Z’lymor Inn, yet jumps at the chance to arrest Embekah just for buying exotic toadstools at the local marketplace.

When a knight named Patrew invades Embekah’s abode, fury consumes her in a magical backlash that renders her unconscious. Upon recovery, she awakens to discover a spell of entrapment binding them both inside the manor’s walls. Now forced to live together, she must navigate her way through alternating feelings of trust and suspicion, contending with the man’s stubborn belief of her guilt all the while.

And just when Embekah thinks she can fully trust Patrew, a shape-shifting spirit arrives inside the magical barrier’s walls to threaten her life. Unless she diffuses this new menace, collapses the barrier or alerts Tarbra somehow, she may never escape her would-be captor.

Spell of Entrapment is a fantasy novel of approximately 72,000 words. Sample pages and chapters are available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Beesler

That's it.

Today is just for introductions. Please thank Jeff for sharing his query for all of us to learn from, visit his blog and follow him, but save your feedback for tomorrow, when I will share my critique with all of you. Thanks!

Toni Sinns' Current Query Critiqued

Okay, first things first, Happy 200th Birthday to Charles Dickens. If you've never read any Dickens, I highly recommend you read one of his novels this year. You won't regret it.

Now let's get to work. I have Toni's Picture Book query again today, but this time with my thoughts, in red.

Here we go:

First, I want to make it clear, I'm not very experienced with Picture Books, so I want all of you to take everything I say (or write) with a grain of salt. I've never written a PB, and have only ever read or critiqued probably one or two PB queries.

I have been researching them since yesterday, though, so I will point Toni to a few resources right off the bat. First, I have two friends and readers who I know are experienced with PBs, whose blogs you should definitely be following. They are Shelley Moore Thomas, and Ishta Mercurio. I expect both of them to be able to stop by today. Another blogger who I don't really know, but I'm told is experienced with PBs is Verla Kay.

Some other articles I found about PB queries are: this post, at From the Write Angle, this post, at Barbara Kanninen's website (she also offers paid critiques, here), this post, by literary agent and author Mary Kole, at Kidlit.com, and finally, this excellent video, from WriteOnCon 2011, by author Emma Walton Hamilton. I know that's a lot of links, and you certainly don't have to visit them all, but there's some good PB query letter info out there.

NOTE: The previous two paragraphs are full of links, but my blogger template can make them hard to see when they're red. Hover your mouse over the text if you want to check for hyperlinks.

Anyway, what I've learned, is that there are basically two types of PB queries. Most agents who accept PB submissions allow the entire manuscript to be pasted in an e-query after the letter. This is much like the first five pages of a novel, but because PBs are so short, they often accept the whole thing. This does not include artwork, though they often ask for a link to an online portfolio if you also illustrate your own work. In that kind of submission situation the kind of query you write for a novel is not needed. Just a very short summary and an introduction.

We're going to focus on the other kind of submission. The one where the agent doesn't want to see the manuscript unless a traditional query has piqued their interest.

Dear Agent,

I have written an approximant this is a typo, which is fine, because you can remove all of this. 399 word fictional adventure for all children called “Baby Dragon’s Sound” or “Where is my sound?” This entire paragraph can be handled in the subject field of your email. Write it like this: "Query: BABY DRAGON'S SOUND, picture book, 400 words." The title of an unpublished work is always capitalized in a query, and it is absolutely fine to round up by one word, or even ten.

Opening up you meet baby dragon and quickly find that baby dragon makes no noise. Don't open this way. This is telling. I know some people mentioned yesterday that you should name Baby Dragon. I disagree. I mean you can if you want, but I recall many PBs as a child where the character was simply Max, or Ugly Duckling. However, you want to show us the opening. Something like "when he's born, Baby Dragon is concerned to discover that he cannot roar" (or coo, or whatever sound he needs to make). The baby dragon He goes on an adventure to find his sound. As Baby Dragon walks down a small road he comes across fairies, gnomes, and elves. He is unable to make the same sounds as the people he meets on this road. I'm unclear on what this means. All these creatures are usually able to talk in fantasy settings, is Baby Dragon expecting to be able to talk? He finally hears his mother and returns to the nest. He finds his sound with his mother. This is kind of adorable, and I get the sense that it works very well in your story, but I think the concept of "sound" is a little vague for the query. Is there any way you can make it more specific? Is it a roar? Or can he talk, and you mean his voice?

This story is full of children magic. What does this mean? This is the kind of thing you should show, not tell, anyway. The characters are all mythical and live in children’s imagination. Are you saying it's a Frame Story? Like it starts out with someone telling the story within a story to a child? It is fun for children to hear and easy for them to learn to read. There is also the ability to make this book into a sound book with buttons for the different creatures. Other books have followed the search and find story line idea and have sold well. I believe mine can stand on its own by being about the magical creatures of the child’s imagination. Cut the rest of this. It's good to show you've done your research, but you need to find another way to do that. Comparative titles from the agent's list are good, but don't bring this other stuff up, because that's the agent's job.

Thank you for your time. I have placed the text portion following this letter. I cut that only because in this example, the agent doesn't allow the full MS in the e-query. I can’t wait to speak with you about joining your team. You don't need this, but if you want something like this, don't say, "can't wait," say, "look forward to ..."

Thank you,

Toni G. Sinns

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anybody disagree with me about Baby Dragon being okay as a proper name in a PB? Anything else you'd like to see added or changed?

Toni Sinns' Current Query

I know today is Monday, but I've got something special planned this Friday, so we're doing queries Monday through Thursday this week. Today is Toni Sinns' query for what I assume is intended as a Picture Book, because it sounds too short to be an Early Reader. Toni has a blog, that you'll need to visit and follow.

Back? Great, here's her query:

Dear Agent,

I have written an approximant 399 word fictional adventure for all children called “Baby Dragon’s Sound” or “Where is my sound?”

Opening up you meet baby dragon and quickly find that baby dragon makes no noise. The baby dragon goes on an adventure to find his sound. As baby dragon walks down a small road he comes across fairies, gnomes, and elves. He is unable to make the same sounds as the people he meets on this road. He finally hears his mother and returns to the nest. He finds his sound with his mother.

This story is full of children magic. The characters are all mythical and live in children’s imagination. It is fun for children to hear and easy for them to learn to read. There is also the ability to make this book into a sound book with buttons for the different creatures. Other books have followed the search and find story line idea and have sold well. I believe mine can stand on its own by being about the magical creatures of the child’s imagination.

Thank you for your time. I have placed the text portion following this letter. I can’t wait to speak with you about joining your team.

Thank you,

Toni G. Sinns

That's it.

I'm definitely no expert in books for young children, and I've never attempted a Picture Book myself, but I have some readers who know a lot about them, so we'll see if we can help Toni with her query tomorrow.

Jade Hart's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday QQQE-ers. Welcome back. Today we have Jade's query again, but this time the point of her letter will be completely obfuscated by my random thoughts, in-poor-taste jokes, and occasional pearls of wisdom. These will be in red.

Here we go:

Dear ( Fantabulous agent )

(Enter research done on that agent and reference as to why I chose them, or something along those lines)

My personal opinion is that personalization should come at the end of your query letter. There are certainly some agents who prefer it up front, and that's fine if you can determine that from their submission guidelines, but when I write queries, I try to get right to what really matters - the story.

Loka has died. Again.

This is incredibly unconventional, as far as the "rules" of what works in a query go, but I like it, and I think it works. We don't get much sense of character from this opening, but it instills so much curiosity, that I think it's okay that we don't.

But this time it's different. A cobra bite to the neck while in the in-between worlds of Gods what does this mean? There are more than one? has injected more than just venom into her veins. It has started a chain reaction which will not only change Loka forever, but Satya, the world as we know it, as well.

So, I take it that this snake bite is the inciting incident. It certainly seems to be. If that's the case, you not only need to present it a bit better, but you need to be much more specific about what happens, and how it leads to the main conflict.  For example, it seems like the snake bite caused these changes that you describe next, but I can't tell for sure. You need to clarify that. Also, this chain reaction that you mention changing Loka and her world, is quite vague. If you can explain how the snake bite leads directly to these changes in her, then it can probably be inferred that everything you describe after this is the chain reaction.

When she re-awakes for her seventeenth reincarnation, I can't decide about this. On the one hand, it's a clever, brief insertion of backstory, but on the other, I'm not sure it's needed. nothing is quite the same. She's ethereally beautiful, has vortex pigmented eyes and can see things which only exist on temple etchings and Hindu fables. The rest of this paragraph is really awesome.

The only problem here is that by now we usually have a clear sense of what the main conflict is. Your query is unconventional, and it's fine to break some rules, as long as it works. I think yours can work the way you've set it up, if you get a little clearer about the things I've mentioned.

As Chetan - her guide sent by the Gods - tries to help Loka understand her new powers and preform PERform? her responsibility as the new Reincarnation Redeemer, she finds it harder and harder to concentrate. Her body feels wrong, her thoughts seem muddied and hard to recall, and her powers feel limited. Even her heart is confused as it thrums like a hummingbird at the thought of a God. Huh? I'm confused here. What does this mean? The thought of a God is what's making her heart go pitter patter? Not Chetan? If she has the ability to travel the in-between world of Gods, why is she so twitterpated by the thought of a God? And is it just any god, or one in particular? A love which bloomed from nowhere, but lingers with a remembrance of something locked within herself.

This is where you probably need to make the most changes. The confusion I have in the middle of the paragraph is not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that we have no idea what the conflict in your story is. We know Loka is reincarnated with powers, awesome, we know she has new responsibilities as the Redeemer, sounds cool, but ... we really have no idea what happens that she has to overcome, and therefore there is no sense of plot, or what tough choice she'll have to make to triumph.

But it's only when a chaos loving mythological creature, vague. Describe the creature, or simply name it, if it's something well known. who is both hideous and intriguing, enters her life, that Loka begins to find keys to tightly locked secrets.

Turns out, she might not be Loka at all.... I kind of like this. Once again, it breaks all rules of query writing, when it comes to summing up, but I think it works because ending with this mystery really makes me want to read some pages, and after all, that's the point.

Venom's Curse is a Mythological YA Urban Fantasy. I would change this up a bit. First, you don't need Mythological capitalized, because it's not technically a genre, so I would rewrite this to something like ... "a YA Urban Fantasy instilled with mythology and mystery." Or, you know, something better, but you get my point. Also, I was surprised by both "YA" and "Urban Fantasy." Because we never got a sense of Loka's character in the query, I had no idea she was a teenager. I also did not get any kind of indication that this story took place in a city or cities. Complete at 90,000 words. I am a member of a large critique group and participate actively with many published and unpublished writers. You don't need this. I mean clearly it's good for your novel to have it critiqued by as many experienced writers as you can, but that's not important in a query letter. I am also an avid blogger and love anything to do with the worlds of words. Link to your blog, if you're going to mention blogging as part of your bio.

Okay, let's see if we can summarize. First things first, you've got some awesome elements here. The idea of reincarnation, and it's tie-in to Hinduism, is really very cool, I think. It's clear that you have a great premise and a fascinating story in here somewhere, but there are problems with the execution of your query.

When I talk about queries, I tell people to focus on the three Cs: Character, Conflict, and Choice. In that order. I like your rule breaking opening, because it sort of sets your query apart from the average, but it lacks substance. We have no idea what kind of person Loka was before her transformation, so we have no idea whether we should care about her. Then, once we do hear about the changes she goes through, there is really no clear indication of what kind of conflict she will have to survive in her story. We have a vague sense of her new job, but not really what it means, and there is a boy, but what actually happens? Who are the bad guys, and what do they do to her? When it comes to Choice, we can't even really discuss it, because with no sense of Conflict, there can be no Choice to make.

You're off to a decent start here. You've got some great language, and some elements that make it clear you've written a cool story. Try to rewrite this just a bit, and see if you can clarify what happens to Loka, who she is, and why we should care.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Kindest regards

Jade Hart

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anything I missed? Disagree with me?

Jade Hart's Current Query

We're back to query letters today. Jade Hart's, to be specific. Jade is a Kiwi, which means she lives in Middle Earth, has Numenorean blood, and parties with the Noldor. I'm totally jealous. Seriously, though? Jade has a great blog. You need to go follow it.

Back? Great.

Here's Jade's query:

Dear ( Fantabulous agent )

(Enter research done on that agent and reference as to why I chose them, or something along those lines )

Loka has died. Again.

But this time it's different. A cobra bite to the neck while in the in-between worlds of Gods has injected more than just venom into her veins. It has started a chain reaction which will not only change Loka forever, but Satya, the world as we know it, as well.

When she re-awakes for her seventeenth reincarnation, nothing is quite the same. She's ethereally beautiful, has vortex pigmented eyes and can see things which only exist on temple etchings and Hindu fables.

As Chetan - her guide sent by the Gods - tries to help Loka understand her new powers and preform her responsibility as the new Reincarnation Redeemer, she finds it harder and harder to concentrate. Her body feels wrong, her thoughts seem muddied and hard to recall, and her powers feel limited. Even her heart is confused as it thrums like a hummingbird at the thought of a God. A love which bloomed from nowhere, but lingers with a remembrance of something locked within herself.

But it's only when a chaos loving mythological creature, who is both hideous and intriguing, enters her life, that Loka begins to find keys to tightly locked secrets.

Turns out, she might not be Loka at all....

Venom's Curse is a Mythological YA Urban Fantasy. Complete at 90,000 words. I am a member of a large critique group and participate actively with many published and unpublished writers. I am also an avid blogger and love anything to do with the worlds of words.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Kindest regards

Jade Hart

That's it.

Please keep in mind that today is just for introductions. I like to give each query letter two posts, so that you can see the query, by itself, without all my rambling feedback. Tomorrow I will provide the red ink, and let Jade know what I think she should change or is missing. So please save your feedback for tomorrow as well. Thanks!

Game of Thrones Season II

My DVR broke recently, and I was pretty ticked when I thought we'd lost all our recordings from season one, but that was silly, because they're all available on demand. I've been slowly rewatching them, trying to get acclimated to Westeros and Essos again, as we prepare for the exciting second season of the HBO series that probably should have been called A Song of Ice and Fire.

I mean sure, Game of Thrones is a cool title, and the theme of political power is a strong one in the story, and has dominated the first five books, but I get the feeling that the deeper theme, the one of darkness versus light, and "good" versus "evil" will come full circle in the final two volumes.

I certainly hope HBO will air the entire story, assuming Martin finishes the books before Maisie Williams turns 30. Anyway, here are the things I'm looking forward to most in season two:

Characters:

Melisandre: The Red Priestess of R'hllor, who hails from Asshai in the far east, is not a very sympathetic character in the books, because we all assume her prophecies are false, or at least that she is wrong about Stannis, Azor Ahai, and the Prince that was Promised, but she's a fascinating character nonetheless, and I'm looking forward to her being portrayed by the lovely Carice Van Houten:

Davos Seaworth: The Onion Knight, former smuggler, and eventual Hand of the King (in exile), Davos is a character whose arc is pretty interesting. Arguments can probably be made that he gets too many chapters in the books, and his story is of course still unresolved, but I'm fascinated to see what they do with him on the show. Especially at Storm's End for Melisandre's shadowy climax.

Brienne of Tarth: I would have said Stannis, but I'm not sure I like the look of Stephen Dillane, so I'm going with Gwendoline Christie, as the Maid of the Sapphire Isle. Brienne is a fascinating character in the books, and although her story is much more compelling in the third and fourth volumes than in the second, I get the feeling that HBO will not be sticking directly to the plot as separated in the novels.

Settings:

The Fist of the First Men: The most memorable setting north of the wall, some momentous things occur here in the story, but I'm especially interested to see how HBO's production design team portray this landscape.

Dragonstone: Stannis' seat, this volcanic island at the mouth of Blackwater Bay used to be the seat of House Targaryen, and then passed to House Baratheon after Robert's rebellion, but I'm especially curious to see how it will look in the new season.

Vaes Tolorro: City of Bones, in Dothraki, this ruins, in the midst of the red waste, ends up saving Daenerys and her Khalasar from starvation and ruination. While the walls are cracked and crumbling, they find solace within the city center.