Stephen Tremp's Current Query Critiqued

Today we have Stephen's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear [Agent Name], I am writing you because according to _______ you are a big fan of mystery suspense thriller genres featuring average characters in extraordinary circumstances. My 80,000-word novel, Murcat Manor MURCAT MANOR, inspired by the mischievous nocturnal cats in my parents’ one hundred year old house, is one I hope you will also become passionate about.

Bob Stevens has plenty to worry about. I would recommend you cut this. You're telling us something you're about to show us anyway, so that means it's just wasted words. Besides, if your protagonist doesn't have plenty to worry about, you don't have a story. Stories = CONFLICT.

When Bob and Debbie Stevens lose their idyllic jobs, Vague. Just tell us what they did. What's an idyllic job, anyway? And are they hiring? home, and savings, the only opportunity left to rebuild their lives is to open Murcat Manor. I thought they lost their home? Is this a different property? How could they afford it? It's one of the few bed and breakfasts in the region, set on twenty five rural acres in the rolling hills of southwestern Michigan. Legends of curses, ghosts, and nineteen deaths from two burned down houses once occupying the land do not diminish their dreams of raising a family while earning a living. Raising kids in the same house you're running a B&B? Now there's a setup for conflict.

I'm not sure about this as an opening paragraph. You've got some good ideas, and it's certainly not a setting or premise I've come across before, but there's very little sense of CHARACTER, and the inciting incident seems incredibly vague. I would recommend you start with a little more about who Bob and Debbie are before their lives fall apart and their story starts.

But Bob has unforeseen conflicts far beyond his ability to manage. A belligerent mother-in-law who co-signed the three million dollar loan on Murcat Manor wants him to relinquish his interest. Aha! Okay, this is good, see? Specific. Meaty. Something we can sink our teeth into. Thirteen psychotic killer cats, possessed by souls of disembodied daughters of witches hung at the Salem Witch Trials, are killing his guests. Wow! This is crazy, and a little bit ridiculous, but also pretty awesome. I love that it's so unique. Before long, two local detectives want to arrest him for the murders.

Okay ... so. Things are getting weird now, but it's kind of cool. It's hard sometimes to separate a query critique from a story/premise critique, but I'll try to keep myself divorced from focusing too much on the idea of this story.

You do have an interesting and clearly defined CONFLICT getting set up here, though, and that is certainly a requirement of any good query. There are some questions and confusions to work out, like why would disembodied daughters of Witches killed at Salem travel all the way to Michigan to do their haunting, and how exactly do little old cats kill anyone, but that's okay, because you've got the bones of a decent CONFLICT here, and that's the most important fundamental of a query letter.

Thirteen kittens, found in the burned out rubble from the previous farm house, had seemed like the perfect pets to keep their guests company. But the Stevens soon learn these are no ordinary cats, and the cycle of terror and murder begins again with each new wave of guests.

Yeah, so ... this is just weird. But I can't help but kind of like it. Your working title MURCAT MANOR, sounds really tongue-in-cheek, so I was initially thinking this would be some kind of campy/comedy horror or something, but it seems like you intend for it to be a mystery and thriller to be taken seriously. I would recommend you maybe consider a more serious title. Even MURDERCAT MANOR, as silly as that sounds, is a little better (only because the TV SHOW, MEERCAT MANOR, is one of the most adorable things on television).

Murcat Manor will appeal to readers of the mystery, thriller, suspense, and paranormal genres.
Or .....
Murcat Manor will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Stephen King, and Jeffery Deaver.

I don't like either of these, to be honest. I mean they just come off sounding a little lazy. If you're going to compare your work to heavyweights of the industry like this, at least make sure it's clear you know what you're talking about. Compare your manuscript to a specific title, and make it obvious that you know your genre because the title is a logical comparison. Stephen King has several books that might work. CUJO, and PET SEMETARY, for example. I don't know Dean Koontz as well, but the man has written something like a hundred books, so surely there's one that fits.

I have a B.A. in information systems and an MBA in Global Management. Why is your bachelor's degree not capitalized but your master's is? Also, shouldn't an information systems degree, which is a subset of computer science, be a B.S., not a B.A? I'm not doubting you, but it looks weird. With a background in information systems, management, and finance, I can draw from my varied and complex experimental knowledge What is experimental knowledge? to write one of a kind thrillers. Merging science and the supernatural is my specialty.

I wouldn't worry too much about this paragraph because honestly, you should cut it all. If you were querying a manuscript that had hacking or international corporate espionage in it, this stuff might be more relevant, but it's not important to why you are the best writer to tell this story.

I have previously written and published The Breakthrough Trilogy: The Adventures of Chase Manhattan, The Breakthrough Trilogy: The Adventure of Chase Manhattan; There is some debate about this. In my experience, conventional wisdom says that WORKING TITLES of unpublished manuscripts go in ALL CAPS in query letters, and Titles of Published Works go in Italics, but lately the industry seems to maybe be moving toward using all caps for both. Do your research, but whatever you do, don't put titles in Plain Old Text. that have been in Barnes and Nobles and Borders Books across the country with 10,000 physical sales and downloads due? in part to countless book signings and relentless marketing on my behalf. I would be careful about this. 10,000 sales is a good number for self-publishing. But is that 10,000 total sales of 3 volumes in a trilogy, combined e-books and print copy sales? 10,000 sales is 10,000 sales, and you should certainly be proud of that, but if you're going to use it for leverage in a query, make you are as specific as possible. Please view my Media Kit for more information, at: http://authorstephentremp.blogspot.com/p/media-page.html

I write a blog where my focus is science, science fiction, writing, and promoting. Link to your blog. I have also taught at online schools and symposiums. What are the names of them? Link to evidence.

Thank you in advance for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon. I have included the first ten pages. The entire manuscript is available upon request.

Okay, so in summary I think you're off to a good start here. Your middle is pretty strong, and although the beginning and the end need work, they're not a complete mess or anything.

I would recommend you open with a paragraph that introduces a strong sense of CHARACTER first, so that we can care about Bob and root for him in his struggles, before you get to anything about hook, inciting incident, or the subsequent CONFLICT.

Finally, some sense of a sadistic CHOICE would help entice the reader to want to move on to your sample pages. I mean, it's probably easy to infer that the Stevens could decide to try to kill the cats, or sell the B&B, or any number of other options, but if you clarify for us a sense of what they actually choose in the story, if would help this query end on a high note.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anything I missed? Anything you would add?

Stephen Tremp's Current Query

Today we have Stephen Tremp's query letter for a new novel.

Query Letter

Dear [Agent Name], I am writing you because according to _______ you are a big fan of mystery suspense thriller genres featuring average characters in extraordinary circumstances. My 80,000-word novel, Murcat Manor, inspired by the mischievous nocturnal cats in my parents’ one hundred year old house, is one I hope you will also become passionate about.

Bob Stevens has plenty to worry about.

When Bob and Debbie Stevens lose their idyllic jobs, home, and savings, the only opportunity left to rebuild their lives is to open Murcat Manor. It's one of the few bed and breakfasts in the region, set on twenty five rural acres in the rolling hills of southwestern Michigan. Legends of curses, ghosts, and nineteen deaths from two burned down houses once occupying the land do not diminish their dreams of raising a family while earning a living.

But Bob has unforeseen conflicts far beyond his ability to manage. A belligerent mother-in-law who co-signed the three million dollar loan on Murcat Manor wants him to relinquish his interest. Thirteen psychotic killer cats, possessed by souls of disembodied daughters of witches hung at the Salem Witch Trials, are killing his guests. Before long, two local detectives want to arrest him for the murders.

Thirteen kittens, found in the burned out rubble from the previous farm house, had seemed like the perfect pets to keep their guests company. But the Stevens soon learn these are no ordinary cats, and the cycle of terror and murder begins again with each new wave of guests.

Murcat Manor will appeal to readers of the mystery, thriller, suspense, and paranormal genres.
Or .....
Murcat Manor will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Stephen King, and Jeffery Deaver.

I have a B.A. in information systems and an MBA in Global Management. With a background in information systems, management, and finance, I can draw from my varied and complex experimental knowledge to write one of a kind thrillers. Merging science and the supernatural is my specialty.

I have previously written and published The Breakthrough Trilogy: The Adventures of Chase Manhattan, that have been in Barnes and Nobles and Borders Books across the country with 10,000 physical sales and downloads in part to countless book signings and relentless marketing on my behalf. Please view my Media Kit for more information, at: http://authorstephentremp.blogspot.com/p/media-page.html

I write a blog where my focus is science, science fiction, writing, and promoting. I have also taught at online schools and symposiums.

Thank you in advance for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon. I have included the first ten pages. The entire manuscript is available upon request.

That's it.

Please thank Stephen for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow!

Stephen Tremp's Current Query Critiqued

All right. Let's get to work.

If you've never been here before, my notes and feedback for Stephen's query will be in red.

Before I get to his letter, I'll point out a couple "rules." I'm not going to pretend to be an absolute authority on anything, but this is what I've learned in my own road to publication.

The working title of an unpublished novel is written in ALL CAPS in a query letter. Like: OPENING. The finished title of a published work, even self-published, is written in italics. Like: Breakthrough.

Now, I also want to warn Stephen that a literary agent is highly unlikely to consider representing the second book in a series when the first book was already self-published, unless the first novel has sold literally thousands of copies. On the other hand, I want to commend Stephen for his courage, and for not letting that dissuade him. I obviously have no idea how well Breakthough has sold, but even if it sold only 10 copies, I think it's great that he continues to follow his ambition.

I just want to make sure he's aware that seeking representation for this book may be slightly more difficult than for another book.

Okay, let's get to the query:

Chase Manhattan I'm not going to comment on the name. With the first book in the series already published, you wouldn't be able to change it even if you wanted to. has just been rescued from certain death in Boston. Otherwise I think this opening is decent, if unconventional. It sets the stakes and tension up pretty high right away, which is great for a thriller. One thing I would change is the phrase "certain death." Not only is it a cliche, but it's also vague. Be specific. What kind of death did he escape from? His talented team of California-based comrades, this is also vague. How are they talented? Hackers? Assassins? Acrobats? contriving and executing a bold and daring plot, another vague phrase. "Bold and daring plot" sounds cool, but it could mean anything. You need to be specific in a query letter. Tell us the plot, but keep it brief. managed to thwart his execution by a group of psychopathic M.I.T. grad students. Love this. It's sort of weird, but hilarious, and awesome. These gifted zealots are on a mission to stop a new global order of aristocracy by the super-rich egregious elite and instead establish a scientific oligarchy. This is where you start to lose me. These gifted zealots sound pretty cool to me, and I can't fathom why Chase would want to thwart their plans. Wresting control from the super elite would be a good thing, as far as I'm concerned. They will murder anyone who stands in their way, now I see how they're kind of bad buys. using to their exclusive advantage a stolen technological innovation of future altering eminence—wormholes. I think you need to be careful about the language you use, and the diction with which you place certain words in certain places. "Exclusive advantage" and "future altering eminence" are both phrases that sound pretentious to me. Unless the novel is purposely campy, you don't want you query to sound like this. Be direct, get to the point, and be specific. Also, I always advise people who ask for my help not to use em-dashes in query letters. Don't get me wrong, I love em-dashes in prose, but making them work in a query letter is very difficult, because you never know what an agent's email application is going to do to advanced formatting like an em-dash. I would suggest you keep you query letter as close to plain text as possible. A bit of italics is okay, but don't overdo it. Chase and his band have blocked and counter(-)punched, huh? I get that's supposed to be a metaphor, but it sounds weird and is again just a vague phrase that sounds cool. Tell us HOW they did it. stymieing the M.I.T. maniacs temporarily; but their problems have just begun. More challenges and a diverse array of new villains await them in the second installment of Stephen Tremp’s action suspense Breakthrough Trilogy—where science meets the supernatural. Don't do this. A query letter should almost never be written in first person as far as being from a character's POV (rules can be broken, though), but when it comes to YOU, being the author, you do need to use first person. Don't refer to yourself in third person. It makes it look like someone else wrote this for you. Even if they did, you don't want an agent to know that. I would just cut everything after "just begun." You're basically just telling us things that you're about to show us anyway.

As if tampering with wormholes in unchartered spatial realms—a key plot dilemma in Breakthrough—cut these em-dashes and everything between them. wasn’t enough trouble, in Opening, see my point about working titles, above. the naïve use of wormholes unlocks Pandora’s Box, unleashing demonic forces of Biblical, Armageddon magnitude. This is where your story actually begins. You may want to consider re-writing this, and start here. Everything before this supernatural spin is essentially backstory. I realize you have to set things up, and there's a whole novel that comes before this, but you need to focus on THIS story, and begin at the beginning. Chase, and a cast of diabolical villains competing for control of this reality-shaking discovery, are compelled to consider concepts of parallel dimensions—impugning their perception of the universe and humanity’s place in it.

The action and adventure for Chase enters the global stage where the geopolitical scene is almost overnight thrust into what appears to the unsuspecting population to be an inevitable World War III—but it’s much worse than even that. This is where it starts to get good. You're being specific, and giving us a great description of the actual conflict that takes place in this story. The aggressing personally I did not know that aggressing was a word, but I looked it up, and it is. China’s leadership has been usurped by a military leader who is now possessed by an archfiend from hell and its army is backed up by a demonic host of death angels on a mission to kill the entire human race. This is cool. Your novel sounds like a fun mix of sci-fi and paranormal/biblical fantasy. Love, sacrifice, greed, betrayal, and spiritual contemplation define this thriller of science run amok. Chase Manhattan must discover a depth of courage and rely on the strength of his soul mate, Susan Anderson, and the rest of their group if he is to destroy a technology mankind is clearly not ready for. This is a pretty good summary. The mention of Susan comes a little bit out of left field, but otherwise you sum this story up quite well.

I have a BSB in Information Systems and an MBA in Global Management, and have worked for some of the world’s largest banking institutions such as General Electric, Deutsche Bank, and E*Trade Bank. This background allows me to weave a particular complexity into this unique thriller. People often put a lot of irrelevant info in their bio, but yours actually sounds like it fits your story perfectly. BREAKTHROUGH no caps will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Dan Brown, Stephen King, and Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. I don't think you need to compare your book to 5 bestselling authors (even though Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child are actually the same person). Also, does your story really have that much of a horror element to it? Because I don't get that from your query. Another also: why are you comparing Breakthrough to these other authors' work, when it's actually OPENING that this query letter is seeking representation for?

Okay. So over all I think this query has promise. It's clear that your story has a cool premise, and it sounds like an exciting blend of science and fantasy. The voice in the query is also pretty good, and I think it fits well with the tone of your story.

You do need to fix some things, though. You can cut or at least trim most of your first paragraph. You need to be much more specific about what happens, and how things are accomplished. Also be careful about superfluous language, and I think with a little work, you could have a great query letter here.

What do you guys think? Have I made any points you disagree with? Please add your feedback to the comments, and let's see if we can help Stephen make his query letter better. Rhyme intended, just for fun!

Stephen Tremp's Current Query

Okay. Today I'm helping Stephen Tremp with the query letter he's written for OPENING, the second installment of his Breakthrough trilogy. I hosted Stephen on his original blog tour, the post for which you can find here.

Today is just the query, and my critique will follow tomorrow. Please save your feedback until then as well.

Here's his query:

Chase Manhattan has just been rescued from certain death in Boston. His talented team of California-based comrades, contriving and executing a bold and daring plot, managed to thwart his execution by a group of psychopathic M.I.T. grad students. These gifted zealots are on a mission to stop a new global order of aristocracy by the super-rich egregious elite and instead establish a scientific oligarchy. They will murder anyone who stands in their way, using to their exclusive advantage a stolen technological innovation of future altering eminence—wormholes. Chase and his band have blocked and counterpunched, stymieing the M.I.T. maniacs temporarily; but their problems have just begun. More challenges and a diverse array of new villains await them in the second installment of Stephen Tremp’s action suspense Breakthrough Trilogy—where science meets the supernatural.

As if tampering with wormholes in unchartered spatial realms—a key plot dilemma in Breakthrough—wasn’t enough trouble, in Opening, the naïve use of wormholes unlocks Pandora’s Box, unleashing demonic forces of Biblical, Armageddon magnitude. Chase, and a cast of diabolical villains competing for control of this reality-shaking discovery, are compelled to consider concepts of parallel dimensions—impugning their perception of the universe and humanity’s place in it.

The action and adventure for Chase enters the global stage where the geopolitical scene is almost overnight thrust into what appears to the unsuspecting population to be an inevitable World War III—but it’s much worse than even that. The aggressing China’s leadership has been usurped by a military leader who is now possessed by an archfiend from hell and its army is backed up by a demonic host of death angels on a mission to kill the entire human race. Love, sacrifice, greed, betrayal, and spiritual contemplation define this thriller of science run amok. Chase Manhattan must discover a depth of courage and rely on the strength of his soul mate, Susan Anderson, and the rest of their group if he is to destroy a technology mankind is clearly not ready for.

I have a BSB in Information Systems and an MBA in Global Management, and have worked for some of the world’s largest banking institutions such as General Electric, Deutsche Bank, and E*Trade Bank. This background allows me to weave a particular complexity into this unique thriller. BREAKTHROUGH will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Dan Brown, Stephen King, and Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child.

So that's it for today.

Except for this: if you missed Diane's blog post yesterday, you should go have a look. Alex, Talli, and I were talking blogging and comments with Diane, and it turned into a great discussion!

Stephen Tremp's Breakthrough Blog Tour

Today is my turn to take part in Stephen Tremp's Breakthrough Blog Tour. It's really cool to have an opportunity to be a part of this because not only is Stephen really nice and very thoughtful, but this is one of the most successful blog tours I've witnessed. Stephen has taken the time to write an excellent guest post for me, so I'm just going to let him take it away!

Do you use morals, ethics, and social matters in your stories that manifest in a lesson learned at the conclusion?

This is a topic I love to discuss. As a writer, I think it is vital to weave into the plot concepts of morals and ethics that challenge the characters to do things they normally would not do. They will need to somehow find a way to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds. The result will be some kind of lesson learned. Many great authors and poets do this, some to a larger degree than others. Often (not always, example is the movie Se7en) we witness good triumphing over evil. However, a suspense thriller or a fantasy adventure should incorporate more than merely a battle of good vs. evil, where good ultimately triumphs in the end. Yawn.

There are a plethora of issues a writer can use, such as economic, ethical, human, legal, moral, religious, rights, and social matters that can question the core values of your character(s). These can be fantastic opportunities to introduce conflict, and conflict is necessary to drive the plot forward.

Question: as we address one or more of these matters, do we subtly incorporate some kind of lesson or question our present value system? And if so, what happens when we approach the end of our story? Do you tend to forget about your threaded morals and ethics, or are there consequences to your characters’ actions? Think back on what they did, conspired, and manipulated. What did they sow? Will they reap the whirlwind? If not, then you may be making your ending anti-climatic. It could be boring. Predictable (the worse scenario). Nothing special.

I note everything my bad guys think, say, and do. Ultimately, they will have to pay for their sins. They will need to be held accountable for their actions, either in this life or the next (think the ending of the movie Ghost where the bad guys are killed and their souls drug off to hell by dark evil spirits). So think about what you weave into your writings. Will they manifest at the end of your story in the form of judgment? If not, then what good is introducing morals and ethics in the first place?

I’m currently working on the ending of Escalation, the third installment of the Breakthrough trilogy. I’m having so much fun with this. There are the antagonist and his five followers as well as other bad guys and girls introduced throughout the series. They’ve done a lot of bad things. Killed many innocent people. Now I have to ask myself, how will judgment be meted out to each individual? Will a few escape justice (actually, I already know). It’s a good problem to have. This was a struggle I loved.

Question: Do you use morals and ethics to achieve a lesson learned? Do you think about the consequences for your characters actions at the conclusion? Do you mete out justice and judgment, such as a guilty verdict in a court of law, the bad guy being killed by a cop, or the antagonist ending up dead and ultimately in a place of eternal torment?

Or do you feel lessons learned are too preachy and the lines of ethics and morals are too blurred to come to definitive conclusions? Or perhaps life’s not fair, so why try to tie a nice pretty red ribbon around the ending.

Please join me tomorrow as I visit the over-caffeinated fiction writer making the journey towards publication... one espresso at a time. Join Talli Roland and I as we talk about Character Conflict and Team Dynamics. As always, thanks for stopping by.

Stephen Tremp is author of the action thriller Breakthrough . You can visit Stephen at Breakthrough Blogs .

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Wow. Excellent work Stephen, thanks so much for sharing this with me and my readers. Readers? Questions or other thoughts? Please share them in the comments and don't forget to say hello and thank Stephen.