Today we have Amy's query back again, this time with my feedback. My thoughts will be in red.
Dear [Agent Name],
Lex
I would like to hear a last name here. Lex is a very cool name, but I'm thinking Lex Diamond, or Lex Luther. I would like to have her even more defined as a character is a private courier in a world where the Divided States Postal Service asks too many questions to make stamps worth their fifty dollar price tag. What she does isn’t strictly legal, but that really depends on what system of government has taken over your particular corner of the world. When a client hands her an envelope full of cash and a delivery the size of a stack of business cards Lex doesn’t bat an eye, that’s the price you pay for no-questions-asked service. This job is supposed to be easier than getting fleas in Puerta Pulgas
this sounds funny, but I have no idea what (or where) this is, but she’d bet her eyeteeth she’s been double crossed when the cloudskimmer taking her to New Shanghai is ambushed
I would say it's pretty obvious, but that makes it kind of funny, so you can probably keep this. The two goons who’ve parachuted aboard know exactly what she’s carrying: Sun Drops.
Okay. So this opening paragraph is pretty good. It sets up the plot very well, gives us just a bit of backstory, and certainly has an interesting hook at the end. But I would really like to know more about Lex first. We know what she does, but we don't really know who she is. Sometimes that's hard to convey, and the job she does certainly tells us something about what kind of person she is, but I'd like to know a little more.
Is she the black sheep from a high-society family, or an orphan from the slums of New New York? Also, I know this isn't YA, so her age is probably not crucial, and I get the feeling she's twentysomething, but if she's fortysomething we might need to know that.
One last nit-picky point is that depending on how large a cloudskimmer is, I'm not sure two thugs parachuting onto one constitutes an ambush. There's probably no better way to say it though. Also, am I the only one who thinks Sun Drops sounds like the name of some really good LSD from the seventies? Awesome.
Smuggling drugs
oh good, it is LSD isn’t the issue, she’s done that more times than she’s paid off pimple faced
this makes them sound young. Is customs employing a lot of teenagers in this world? customs agents. Her surprise guests are. Getting past them and to her contact in the Depths of New Shanghai gives her more reason to keep a finger on the trigger of her peashooter.
So, what, she carries like a .22? He claims he has no clue what she’s talking about
what is she talking about, and how did they suddenly get together? and when the drug partially absorbs through her skin, she knows she’s in a steaming heap.
This sounds pretty bad-ass. Blending in to a crowd has always been one of Lex’s biggest assets, but there’s nowhere to hide when you glow like the sun.
Wow. That is good Acid.
I think this paragraph starts out well; you clue us into the conflict and the stakes, while doing an excellent job of organically sneaking in some more world building (which is probably the best part about this query-great world). Then I get a little lost. I suppose we can infer that she escaped the goons, and met up with her contact, and you don't need every step of the plot in a query, but this felt like too much of a leap.
Now she’s being pursued by the client who wants his package back, the Home Owner’s Association that rules New Shanghai and their spur wielding rent-a-cops.
Why? As she dodges everyone after her, her biggest threat and strongest ally may be one of her original attackers, a man who inexplicably won’t die.
This is a fun little surprise here at the end, and this isn't bad as summaries go, but I think you need to be careful about these leaps of logic. I mean we can probably figure out that the cops and the 'government' of New Shanghai are after her because she suddenly shines like a glow stick at a rave, and that reveals her as a drug user, or even smuggler, but it doesn't explain why the whole city's after her.
SUN DROPS, my science fiction novel is complete
redundant at 90,000-words.
All in all I think this is a damn fine query. You build this world excellently, and the plot certainly sounds exciting. I think with a little tweaking, and a better sense of character in the beginning, this could really shine. Maybe even glow like the sun.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
[Contact Information]
Well there we go. What do you guys think? Did I miss anything? Is there anything else you would cut? Or something that needs to be added? Please share your feedback in the comments.
