Here we go:
Dear Mr./Ms. Redacted,
Sorceress Embekah Mare would
So, as far as content, your opening paragraph is good. We got just enough backstory to guess at some potential conflict, we've got a decent sense of who our main character is, and we've got some interesting elements vying for our attention. I think with a better sense of Embekah's character right off the bat, and giving your hook a bit more punch, you'd be in great shape.
When a knight named Patrew invades Embekah’s abode, fury consumes her in a magical backlash that renders her unconscious. This is what I mean about voice, or presentation. I like the way this sentence is written, and I get the feeling it matches the voice in your novel better than the last one. Upon recovery, she awakens to discover a spell of entrapment binding them both inside the manor’s walls. Now forced to live together, she must navigate her way through alternating feelings of trust and suspicion, why would she trust him? That seems a bit counter-intuitive. contending with the man’s stubborn belief of her guilt all the while.
Except for the things I've pointed out, I really like this. This whole premise seems utterly unique to me, and I think it provides the opportunity for excellent drama. If I were an agent I would probably read pages simply for this premise alone.
And just when Embekah thinks she can fully trust Patrew, I'm still confused as to why should would trust this man who invaded her abode, and is convinced of her guilt. Is he not some kind of agent of the crown, originally sent to arrest her? If not, I think it would be key to explain why he showed up in her house in the first place. a shape-shifting spirit arrives inside the magical barrier’s walls to threaten her life. Only hers? Not Patrew's? Unless she diffuses I think you might mean defuses here, but I can see diffusion working too, depending on the nature of this spirit. this new menace, collapses the barrier or alerts Tarbra somehow, she may never escape her would-be captor.
Again, excellent content, execution needs a little work. I love how you raise the stakes, and leave Embekah with a clear, but difficult choice. You just need a bit more explanation on a few points, for clarity, and then this query will shine as well as your story clearly does.
Spell of Entrapment is a fantasy novel of approximately you don't really have to approximate. Agents know we round to the nearest clean round number. 72,000 words. And speaking of a clean, round number, this sounds a bit short for adult fantasy. Maybe not, though. With the premise of two people trapped in a house together, you can probably have an interesting plot without all the epicness of most fantasy. Sample pages and chapters are available upon request. This kind of makes it sound like the MS is not complete. Just say the full is available, if they want a partial they'll ask for a partial. Thank you for your time and consideration.
All in all, your query can be easily summarized: obviously very cool content, as in your premise is clearly awesome, but your execution needs a little work throughout.
Main things I want to see: a better sense of Embekah's character right off the bat. A stronger opening hook, separated from the other paragraphs. A clear explanation of Patrew's reasons for showing up, and how that effects the dynamic of his relationship with Embekah.
And I also want to know if she uses Magic Mushrooms to save the day. Just kidding.
Seriously, though? I think this query is very close. People obviously gravitated to what you had set-up in this letter yesterday, and I think agents will do the same, especially if you can polish it a bit, and make a few things clearer.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey Beesler
That's it.
What do you guys think? Can anyone re-write Jeff's first sentence into a hook that really snags?
