Jeffrey Beesler's Current Query Critiqued

Good morning. Let's get right to Jeff's query, this time with my thoughts, in red.

Here we go:

Dear Mr./Ms. Redacted,

Sorceress Embekah Mare would just cut love it if she could just you could cut this one too, but as long as you don't have two in a row, you should be okay. focus on studying magic, rather than prepare for the day the Royal Army of Trava finally busts down her door. This isn't bad a hooks go. We've got a decent sense of character, and a hint of backstory that clearly sets up a possibility of conflict. I would like to see this executed a little differently. For one, I would separate a sentence or two from the rest of this paragraph, give it more punch. For another, you only give us one word of characterization. Sorceress is certainly a cool occupation, but it doesn't tell us much about what kind of person Embekah is. She hasn’t committed a crime in twenty years, her worst offense simply being a member of a now defunct thieves’ guild. I think you need to clarify this. Being a member of a Thieve's Guild, even a defunct one, sounds like a crime that might be more recent. Also, doesn't seem like much of a Thieve's Guild if membership is common knowledge. She can’t even procure information on magical toadstools from her former guild sister, Tarbra Relsh, without risking her freedom. Magic Mushrooms? Yes, please. Awesome. And it certainly seems strange how the army conveniently leaves Tarbra alone to run the Z’lymor Inn, yet jumps at the chance to arrest Embekah just for buying exotic toadstools at the local marketplace. On the one hand, I like this, because it sets up potential for distrust, but I'm not sure about how it's presented. It's very conversational, and unless the prose in the book is kind of light hearted like this, it might not be best to write the query that way.

So, as far as content, your opening paragraph is good. We got just enough backstory to guess at some potential conflict, we've got a decent sense of who our main character is, and we've got some interesting elements vying for our attention. I think with a better sense of Embekah's character right off the bat, and giving your hook a bit more punch, you'd be in great shape.

When a knight named Patrew invades Embekah’s abode, fury consumes her in a magical backlash that renders her unconscious. This is what I mean about voice, or presentation. I like the way this sentence is written, and I get the feeling it matches the voice in your novel better than the last one. Upon recovery, she awakens to discover a spell of entrapment binding them both inside the manor’s walls. Now forced to live together, she must navigate her way through alternating feelings of trust and suspicion, why would she trust him? That seems a bit counter-intuitive. contending with the man’s stubborn belief of her guilt all the while.

Except for the things I've pointed out, I really like this. This whole premise seems utterly unique to me, and I think it provides the opportunity for excellent drama. If I were an agent I would probably read pages simply for this premise alone.

And just when Embekah thinks she can fully trust Patrew, I'm still confused as to why should would trust this man who invaded her abode, and is convinced of her guilt. Is he not some kind of agent of the crown, originally sent to arrest her? If not, I think it would be key to explain why he showed up in her house in the first place. a shape-shifting spirit arrives inside the magical barrier’s walls to threaten her life. Only hers? Not Patrew's? Unless she diffuses I think you might mean defuses here, but I can see diffusion working too, depending on the nature of this spirit. this new menace, collapses the barrier or alerts Tarbra somehow, she may never escape her would-be captor.

Again, excellent content, execution needs a little work. I love how you raise the stakes, and leave Embekah with a clear, but difficult choice. You just need a bit more explanation on a few points, for clarity, and then this query will shine as well as your story clearly does.

Spell of Entrapment is a fantasy novel of approximately you don't really have to approximate. Agents know we round to the nearest clean round number. 72,000 words. And speaking of a clean, round number, this sounds a bit short for adult fantasy. Maybe not, though. With the premise of two people trapped in a house together, you can probably have an interesting plot without all the epicness of most fantasy. Sample pages and chapters are available upon request. This kind of makes it sound like the MS is not complete. Just say the full is available, if they want a partial they'll ask for a partial. Thank you for your time and consideration.

All in all, your query can be easily summarized: obviously very cool content, as in your premise is clearly awesome, but your execution needs a little work throughout.

Main things I want to see: a better sense of Embekah's character right off the bat. A stronger opening hook, separated from the other paragraphs. A clear explanation of Patrew's reasons for showing up, and how that effects the dynamic of his relationship with Embekah.

And I also want to know if she uses Magic Mushrooms to save the day. Just kidding.

Seriously, though? I think this query is very close. People obviously gravitated to what you had set-up in this letter yesterday, and I think agents will do the same, especially if you can polish it a bit, and make a few things clearer.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Beesler

That's it.

What do you guys think? Can anyone re-write Jeff's first sentence into a hook that really snags?