Jade Hart's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday QQQE-ers. Welcome back. Today we have Jade's query again, but this time the point of her letter will be completely obfuscated by my random thoughts, in-poor-taste jokes, and occasional pearls of wisdom. These will be in red.

Here we go:

Dear ( Fantabulous agent )

(Enter research done on that agent and reference as to why I chose them, or something along those lines)

My personal opinion is that personalization should come at the end of your query letter. There are certainly some agents who prefer it up front, and that's fine if you can determine that from their submission guidelines, but when I write queries, I try to get right to what really matters - the story.

Loka has died. Again.

This is incredibly unconventional, as far as the "rules" of what works in a query go, but I like it, and I think it works. We don't get much sense of character from this opening, but it instills so much curiosity, that I think it's okay that we don't.

But this time it's different. A cobra bite to the neck while in the in-between worlds of Gods what does this mean? There are more than one? has injected more than just venom into her veins. It has started a chain reaction which will not only change Loka forever, but Satya, the world as we know it, as well.

So, I take it that this snake bite is the inciting incident. It certainly seems to be. If that's the case, you not only need to present it a bit better, but you need to be much more specific about what happens, and how it leads to the main conflict.  For example, it seems like the snake bite caused these changes that you describe next, but I can't tell for sure. You need to clarify that. Also, this chain reaction that you mention changing Loka and her world, is quite vague. If you can explain how the snake bite leads directly to these changes in her, then it can probably be inferred that everything you describe after this is the chain reaction.

When she re-awakes for her seventeenth reincarnation, I can't decide about this. On the one hand, it's a clever, brief insertion of backstory, but on the other, I'm not sure it's needed. nothing is quite the same. She's ethereally beautiful, has vortex pigmented eyes and can see things which only exist on temple etchings and Hindu fables. The rest of this paragraph is really awesome.

The only problem here is that by now we usually have a clear sense of what the main conflict is. Your query is unconventional, and it's fine to break some rules, as long as it works. I think yours can work the way you've set it up, if you get a little clearer about the things I've mentioned.

As Chetan - her guide sent by the Gods - tries to help Loka understand her new powers and preform PERform? her responsibility as the new Reincarnation Redeemer, she finds it harder and harder to concentrate. Her body feels wrong, her thoughts seem muddied and hard to recall, and her powers feel limited. Even her heart is confused as it thrums like a hummingbird at the thought of a God. Huh? I'm confused here. What does this mean? The thought of a God is what's making her heart go pitter patter? Not Chetan? If she has the ability to travel the in-between world of Gods, why is she so twitterpated by the thought of a God? And is it just any god, or one in particular? A love which bloomed from nowhere, but lingers with a remembrance of something locked within herself.

This is where you probably need to make the most changes. The confusion I have in the middle of the paragraph is not the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that we have no idea what the conflict in your story is. We know Loka is reincarnated with powers, awesome, we know she has new responsibilities as the Redeemer, sounds cool, but ... we really have no idea what happens that she has to overcome, and therefore there is no sense of plot, or what tough choice she'll have to make to triumph.

But it's only when a chaos loving mythological creature, vague. Describe the creature, or simply name it, if it's something well known. who is both hideous and intriguing, enters her life, that Loka begins to find keys to tightly locked secrets.

Turns out, she might not be Loka at all.... I kind of like this. Once again, it breaks all rules of query writing, when it comes to summing up, but I think it works because ending with this mystery really makes me want to read some pages, and after all, that's the point.

Venom's Curse is a Mythological YA Urban Fantasy. I would change this up a bit. First, you don't need Mythological capitalized, because it's not technically a genre, so I would rewrite this to something like ... "a YA Urban Fantasy instilled with mythology and mystery." Or, you know, something better, but you get my point. Also, I was surprised by both "YA" and "Urban Fantasy." Because we never got a sense of Loka's character in the query, I had no idea she was a teenager. I also did not get any kind of indication that this story took place in a city or cities. Complete at 90,000 words. I am a member of a large critique group and participate actively with many published and unpublished writers. You don't need this. I mean clearly it's good for your novel to have it critiqued by as many experienced writers as you can, but that's not important in a query letter. I am also an avid blogger and love anything to do with the worlds of words. Link to your blog, if you're going to mention blogging as part of your bio.

Okay, let's see if we can summarize. First things first, you've got some awesome elements here. The idea of reincarnation, and it's tie-in to Hinduism, is really very cool, I think. It's clear that you have a great premise and a fascinating story in here somewhere, but there are problems with the execution of your query.

When I talk about queries, I tell people to focus on the three Cs: Character, Conflict, and Choice. In that order. I like your rule breaking opening, because it sort of sets your query apart from the average, but it lacks substance. We have no idea what kind of person Loka was before her transformation, so we have no idea whether we should care about her. Then, once we do hear about the changes she goes through, there is really no clear indication of what kind of conflict she will have to survive in her story. We have a vague sense of her new job, but not really what it means, and there is a boy, but what actually happens? Who are the bad guys, and what do they do to her? When it comes to Choice, we can't even really discuss it, because with no sense of Conflict, there can be no Choice to make.

You're off to a decent start here. You've got some great language, and some elements that make it clear you've written a cool story. Try to rewrite this just a bit, and see if you can clarify what happens to Loka, who she is, and why we should care.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Kindest regards

Jade Hart

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anything I missed? Disagree with me?