Toni Sinns' Current Query Critiqued

Okay, first things first, Happy 200th Birthday to Charles Dickens. If you've never read any Dickens, I highly recommend you read one of his novels this year. You won't regret it.

Now let's get to work. I have Toni's Picture Book query again today, but this time with my thoughts, in red.

Here we go:

First, I want to make it clear, I'm not very experienced with Picture Books, so I want all of you to take everything I say (or write) with a grain of salt. I've never written a PB, and have only ever read or critiqued probably one or two PB queries.

I have been researching them since yesterday, though, so I will point Toni to a few resources right off the bat. First, I have two friends and readers who I know are experienced with PBs, whose blogs you should definitely be following. They are Shelley Moore Thomas, and Ishta Mercurio. I expect both of them to be able to stop by today. Another blogger who I don't really know, but I'm told is experienced with PBs is Verla Kay.

Some other articles I found about PB queries are: this post, at From the Write Angle, this post, at Barbara Kanninen's website (she also offers paid critiques, here), this post, by literary agent and author Mary Kole, at Kidlit.com, and finally, this excellent video, from WriteOnCon 2011, by author Emma Walton Hamilton. I know that's a lot of links, and you certainly don't have to visit them all, but there's some good PB query letter info out there.

NOTE: The previous two paragraphs are full of links, but my blogger template can make them hard to see when they're red. Hover your mouse over the text if you want to check for hyperlinks.

Anyway, what I've learned, is that there are basically two types of PB queries. Most agents who accept PB submissions allow the entire manuscript to be pasted in an e-query after the letter. This is much like the first five pages of a novel, but because PBs are so short, they often accept the whole thing. This does not include artwork, though they often ask for a link to an online portfolio if you also illustrate your own work. In that kind of submission situation the kind of query you write for a novel is not needed. Just a very short summary and an introduction.

We're going to focus on the other kind of submission. The one where the agent doesn't want to see the manuscript unless a traditional query has piqued their interest.

Dear Agent,

I have written an approximant this is a typo, which is fine, because you can remove all of this. 399 word fictional adventure for all children called “Baby Dragon’s Sound” or “Where is my sound?” This entire paragraph can be handled in the subject field of your email. Write it like this: "Query: BABY DRAGON'S SOUND, picture book, 400 words." The title of an unpublished work is always capitalized in a query, and it is absolutely fine to round up by one word, or even ten.

Opening up you meet baby dragon and quickly find that baby dragon makes no noise. Don't open this way. This is telling. I know some people mentioned yesterday that you should name Baby Dragon. I disagree. I mean you can if you want, but I recall many PBs as a child where the character was simply Max, or Ugly Duckling. However, you want to show us the opening. Something like "when he's born, Baby Dragon is concerned to discover that he cannot roar" (or coo, or whatever sound he needs to make). The baby dragon He goes on an adventure to find his sound. As Baby Dragon walks down a small road he comes across fairies, gnomes, and elves. He is unable to make the same sounds as the people he meets on this road. I'm unclear on what this means. All these creatures are usually able to talk in fantasy settings, is Baby Dragon expecting to be able to talk? He finally hears his mother and returns to the nest. He finds his sound with his mother. This is kind of adorable, and I get the sense that it works very well in your story, but I think the concept of "sound" is a little vague for the query. Is there any way you can make it more specific? Is it a roar? Or can he talk, and you mean his voice?

This story is full of children magic. What does this mean? This is the kind of thing you should show, not tell, anyway. The characters are all mythical and live in children’s imagination. Are you saying it's a Frame Story? Like it starts out with someone telling the story within a story to a child? It is fun for children to hear and easy for them to learn to read. There is also the ability to make this book into a sound book with buttons for the different creatures. Other books have followed the search and find story line idea and have sold well. I believe mine can stand on its own by being about the magical creatures of the child’s imagination. Cut the rest of this. It's good to show you've done your research, but you need to find another way to do that. Comparative titles from the agent's list are good, but don't bring this other stuff up, because that's the agent's job.

Thank you for your time. I have placed the text portion following this letter. I cut that only because in this example, the agent doesn't allow the full MS in the e-query. I can’t wait to speak with you about joining your team. You don't need this, but if you want something like this, don't say, "can't wait," say, "look forward to ..."

Thank you,

Toni G. Sinns

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anybody disagree with me about Baby Dragon being okay as a proper name in a PB? Anything else you'd like to see added or changed?

Toni Sinns' Current Query

I know today is Monday, but I've got something special planned this Friday, so we're doing queries Monday through Thursday this week. Today is Toni Sinns' query for what I assume is intended as a Picture Book, because it sounds too short to be an Early Reader. Toni has a blog, that you'll need to visit and follow.

Back? Great, here's her query:

Dear Agent,

I have written an approximant 399 word fictional adventure for all children called “Baby Dragon’s Sound” or “Where is my sound?”

Opening up you meet baby dragon and quickly find that baby dragon makes no noise. The baby dragon goes on an adventure to find his sound. As baby dragon walks down a small road he comes across fairies, gnomes, and elves. He is unable to make the same sounds as the people he meets on this road. He finally hears his mother and returns to the nest. He finds his sound with his mother.

This story is full of children magic. The characters are all mythical and live in children’s imagination. It is fun for children to hear and easy for them to learn to read. There is also the ability to make this book into a sound book with buttons for the different creatures. Other books have followed the search and find story line idea and have sold well. I believe mine can stand on its own by being about the magical creatures of the child’s imagination.

Thank you for your time. I have placed the text portion following this letter. I can’t wait to speak with you about joining your team.

Thank you,

Toni G. Sinns

That's it.

I'm definitely no expert in books for young children, and I've never attempted a Picture Book myself, but I have some readers who know a lot about them, so we'll see if we can help Toni with her query tomorrow.

Jenny Rose's Current Query Critiqued

It's kind of strange, I think, having to summarize a 500 word book in a 250 word query, but I understand that's how things work, and it's kind of fun. Well, it's fun to read queries. I'm not sure it's very fun to write them.

Anyway, today's is Jenny's Picture Book query again, this time with my thoughts, in red.

Dear Editor

Meshach has been through the fiery furnace of King Nebuchadnezzar’s wrath and lived to tell about it. Meshach and his buddies Shadrach and Abednego were taken from Jerusalem to be slaves to the king of Babylon. They trusted God and proved their worth to the king and became officials. How did Meshach feel about being taken as a slave? What will happen when they refuse to bow to the king’s gold statue?

This is difficult for me to critique, because I don't know the rules regarding PB queries, so I'm just going to treat it as a normal query.

If this were a normal query it would start out pretty well with that first line, it's a great image, and even though it's probably literal and metaphorical, it makes for a pretty good hook. However, after that first sentence, this query begins to descend into synopsis territory in a kind of "this happened, and then that happened" manner. Since it's a PB, that's probably not that bad. I would be very careful about rhetorical questions, though, and not only because Nathan Bransford says to be.

The reason rhetorical questions rarely work is that you never want an agent or editor to ask themselves a question that's been written in your query, and then not have the answer, or worse, not care what it is.

Meshach’s Story is a 500 word, illustrated story based on Daniel chapters one and three. Told from Meshach’s point of view, preschoolers and grade schoolers experience Meshach’s reaction to this familiar Bible story. Throughout the story, the importance of loving and trusting God and His care for us are emphasized.

This is fine. It's all telling, no showing, but I'm sure that's okay with a PB, and besides, this is kind of just the housekeeping section.

Some Bible story books currently in bookstores are compilations such as My Everyday Bible Story Collection (Stephens Groups 2008) and Bible Heroes (Little Golden Books 2004) which provide a brief summary of several stories but cannot be expanded without a rewrite. Others highlight a particular story and can be part of a series of books but are written in third person such as Jonah and the Big Fish (Spirit Press 2006), Bible Classics: Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors (Bluewood Books 2000), Stories from the Bible: Noah’s Ark (Paragon Publishing 2004), and Arch Books: Baby Jesus Visits the Temple (Concordia Publishing 2001). However, Meshach’s Story is written as a first person account, making the story come more alive to young children and is one of several Bible stories that I have developed in first person.

Hmm. This is debatable, and I will probably have to defer to my more experienced friends, but I could see this getting you into trouble. On the one hand, it makes it clear that you know your market, which can't be a bad thing, but the problem here is that you're trying to talk an agent or editor into working with you. You don't want to sound like you're telling them how to do their job.

It's their job to be experts in the business and the market; your job is to write a great book.

I realize that in this day and age authors have to do more than just write, but I'm not sure you want to put this this way in a query.

I have a Bachelor of Arts in Elementary Education and I am a former preschool teacher. Currently I write a variety of scripts for my church.

Would your publishing company be interested in publishing Meshach’s Story? I can have a copy ready for you by May 9, 2011.

For novels you don't query until the manuscript is finished, and hopefully has made it through several rounds of revisions with the assistance of a critique group. I know that non-fiction is different, and can be submitted before completion. I'm not sure about Picture Books.

Sincerely,

Jenny Rose

What do you all think? This was one of the hardest queries I've ever critiqued, and I'm not sure I'll be much help, but I know a few of you know more about this than I do, so hopefully together we can get this thing to shine!

Jenny Rose's Current Query

We're doing something a little different this week on the QQQE. Jenny has written a picture book, which she has a query for, that she would like help with.

Now I told her when she emailed me that I know nothing about picture books, and I asked her to take any advice I gave with a grain of salt, but I do have some friends, like Ishta Mercurio, and Shelley Moore Thomas, who are very knowledgeable about picture books. And I think of all my readers I have some people who will be able to lend an educated hand.

And really queries are all the same, to a certain degree. Hook, Character, Conflict, Choice, and Stakes. If you don't have all of that laid out clearly, you may want to take another look.

Anyway, today is just for introductions. Here is Jenny's query:

Dear Editor

Meshach has been through the fiery furnace of King Nebuchadnezzar’s wrath and lived to tell about it. Meshach and his buddies Shadrach and Abednego were taken from Jerusalem to be slaves to the king of Babylon. They trusted God and proved their worth to the king and became officials. How did Meshach feel about being taken as a slave? What will happen when they refuse to bow to the king’s gold statue?

Meshach’s Story is a 500 word, illustrated story based on Daniel chapters one and three. Told from Meshach’s point of view, preschoolers and grade schoolers experience Meshach’s reaction to this familiar Bible story. Throughout the story, the importance of loving and trusting God and His care for us are emphasized.

Some Bible story books currently in bookstores are compilations such as My Everyday Bible Story Collection (Stephens Groups 2008) and Bible Heroes (Little Golden Books 2004) which provide a brief summary of several stories but cannot be expanded without a rewrite. Others highlight a particular story and can be part of a series of books but are written in third person such as Jonah and the Big Fish (Spirit Press 2006), Bible Classics: Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors (Bluewood Books 2000), Stories from the Bible: Noah’s Ark (Paragon Publishing 2004), and Arch Books: Baby Jesus Visits the Temple (Concordia Publishing 2001). However, Meshach’s Story is written as a first person account, making the story come more alive to young children and is one of several Bible stories that I have developed in first person.

I have a Bachelor of Arts in Elementary Education and I am a former preschool teacher. Currently I write a variety of scripts for my church.

Would your publishing company be interested in publishing Meshach’s Story? I can have a copy ready for you by May 9, 2011.

Sincerely,

Jenny Rose

Please come back tomorrow, for my feedback, and to provide your own. Jenny doesn't have a blog to link to, that I know of, but I'll make sure to ask her!