Before I even get started, I have some important things to say.
Most of you noticed yesterday: this query letter is for a memoir. That means, basically: all this actually happened. I know that's hard to hear. As a father, it's hard for me to think about a young woman suffering the trauma that Amber experienced at such a young and innocent point in her life.
She and I debated a bit about whether to post this query, and how to post it. I, in my ignorance, tried to convince her she should not make this information public. She, in her infinite strength, courage, and wisdom, convinced me that expressing herself, letting go, and championing her saviors was something she'd been doing nearly all her life by now, and something she knew was right for her and her history.
I can't say I completely understand. I mean I may seem brave at times, but this kind of courage is beyond me. So before we get down to any kind of nitty gritty, I want to sincerely thank Amber for showing me the true meaning of courage and determination.
Now, all that being said, the only way I agreed to do this at all was if she allowed me to focus on the writing. The truth of life is too harsh, too near, and simply not something that should ever be up for critique. But we talked about it, and Amber and I agreed that we would treat this query like it was fiction, so that we could take the positive attitude of improving her craft of writing as much as possible. That way, we could focus on the mechanics, rather than the the pain (or even the healing) and we could adopt a pragmatic approach in trying to come up with the best possible submission for what is clearly a powerful and important story.
If you'd like to know more about the reality side of Amber's story, please visit her blog, and read this heartfelt post.
Now to the letter:
Time seems to stop right before you die. I'm not a fan of opening like this. I get the imagery, and I think it's powerful, but I'm not sure it works in a query. Amber Harville knows this all too well. You're now two sentences in, and we don't know any of the key elements we need to know. Who is Amber? What kind of person/character is she before her story begins? A query needs to (99 times out of a 100, sometimes there is a genius who breaks the rules) introduce us to a character we can like and sympathize with ASAP. When she is kidnapped and raped at fifteen, she is certain her captor's next step is to murder her. She never imagined he'd dump her out of the car with the threat of- "If you tell anyone, I'll kill you." There's certainly no arguing with your inciting incident. The fact that it's true only heightens the power of the emotion. That being said, I think this whole opening hook can be delivered better.
Something like this: Fifteen-year-old Amber Harville is a good student, a decent Christian, and a great friend, until she's kidnapped and raped by a serial madman. Time seems to stop in the fatal moment before he murders her, but then suddenly, in an inexplicable fit of mercy, he dumps her out of the car with the threat of, "Tell a soul, and I'll come back and kill you."
Obviously that's not perfect, and I'm sure you could write it much better than me, but the point it gets across is for you to get us caring about Amber as a character first, and then punch us in the gut with the horror of the inciting incident.
His first mistake was choosing her as his victim; his second was letting her go. I like this. Normally, it might be unnecessary in a query, but this story is all about Amber's inner strength.
She flees to the nearest house and they call the police. Three days later he is caught. I understand what you're after here, but you don't need to go chronological in this query. Ask yourself what really matters, what is at the heart of this story? As far as I can tell, the key is Amber's courage and tenacity, and how she finds salvation through god. I saw that other version you sent me, and I actually think you should consider including more about how she took sanctuary in the church. It's your story, of course, but to me these are the keys: the kidnapping (and rape), the church, and then the fact that Amber is the only witness who can put this guy away. The Spain/Boyfriend thing is important too, sure, and I'm not saying remove it, but you need to decide what elements are absolutely crucial to your tale. But the damage has been done and Amber begins to spiral out of control. Her emotions teeter-totter between fear and rage. Every stranger becomes a possible predator and every public setting has the potential for a repeat snatch and grab. She begins to carry mace and knives, hoping it will be enough to keep her overwhelming terror at bay, but it is like pouring water on a bullet-wound. This seems like a strange comparison to me. I'm sure water doesn't feel great applied directly to a gunshot wound, but surely there's something that hurts worse? And her parents don’t help the situation by pretending nothing has happened.
I think you should re-think this paragraph. It's tough, I know, because all these emotions are certainly important to the character, and I don't mean to deflate any of their power, but are they really key to the story? All these reactions seem perfectly natural to me (says the guy who only knows you on the internet, and has obviously never been through this kind of trauma), but I wonder if they are really what you need to convey in the query? You use up a lot of words telling us several ways in which Amber is freaked out. Would this space perhaps be better served telling us more about what she ends up doing about it?
With an impending trial around the corner it seems her nightmares will never end. A summer foreign exchange program which sends her to Spain is exactly what she needs- an escape. A gorgeous Spanish boy awaking her stone-cold heart is the last thing she wants- a distraction. Should she stay with the boy she loves, or should she return home and see to it that her attacker be put away for good? The rest of this I'm undecided about. I'm not sure how well an agent would react to a memoir that is about both the trauma of kidnap and rape, and the redemption of young love. As I mentioned, I don't think you need to cut the Spain trip or the Spanish boy out of the query completely, and I do like the angle of the difficult choice of whether or not to return to America, but I think this query is better focused on struggling with her Christianity, and then the utter terror of being the key witness in such an important trial.
PERFECTLY BROKEN is a YA narrative memoir complete at 55,000 words. It is an inspirational story about a girl who finds a strength she never knew existed and a love she never knew was possible. Thank you for your time.
In summary ... wow. There is so much that could be said about this whole thing, but I have to focus on craft only, or I'll go on and on forever, and end up crying.
So ... you've clearly got a powerful story here, and one that needs to be told. I can't imagine how many young women out there could benefit from reading this kind of memoir. That being said, I think you should step back and think about your story. Are you done drafting it? Have any CPs read it yet?
There are a lot of ways this story could unfold, and a lot of different themes that could underlie the tale, but you need to decide which ones are the most important. If the boy in Spain and the freedom of being in another country is more important than the reading of the bible and the mentor-ship of her minister, that's fine, but putting all of them in the query may be too much. I would also like to see this letter touch on the trial, and the fact that Amber is the only witness with an account that can convict this monster.
That's it.
What do you all think? Please feel free to disagree with me, and honor Amber's bravery by having the courage to be honest.
This was a really difficult post to write. Being a middle-aged-fat-white-guy, I'm not sure I even have the right to be sitting in this position, trying to help Amber with this tragic, but important story.
