tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00The Quintessentially Questionable Query ExperimentMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger23368125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-80028310109505962572021-01-26T19:52:58.469-05:002021-01-26T19:52:58.469-05:00Thank you, Unknown!Thank you, Unknown!Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-1930316445880893162020-12-30T09:04:30.509-05:002020-12-30T09:04:30.509-05:00I always like reading these :)
I always like reading these :)<br />mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-12174478519055735372020-12-14T19:13:52.439-05:002020-12-14T19:13:52.439-05:00Matthew! Good to hear from you. Been a while.Matthew! Good to hear from you. Been a while.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-25905901946530985872020-11-30T05:39:34.847-05:002020-11-30T05:39:34.847-05:00I know it's been 8 years but damn... Thank you...I know it's been 8 years but damn... Thank you man beautiful anlaysis!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04297667215253635388noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-78171086097898644552020-07-06T17:10:25.646-04:002020-07-06T17:10:25.646-04:00Wow, I haven't blogged or commented in forever...Wow, I haven't blogged or commented in forever. I'm not sure I remember how to do this. LOL.<br /><br />@Michael G-G: Thanks! Yeah it was an interesting thing to go through.<br /><br />@Andrew Leon: I'm perfectly willing to admit it's subjective. I have only seen it once. I may evolve my views on subsequent viewings.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-27121098828788360502020-07-06T17:07:09.197-04:002020-07-06T17:07:09.197-04:00I'm at a loss as to how to adequately respond ...I'm at a loss as to how to adequately respond to this. We've been fully submerged in Hamilton since not long after its debut and finally saw it on stage in SF last year. In short, I love Hamilton (despite the fact that hip hop is not really my genre).<br /><br />I don't think I agree with you about the sexism, though I do see your points. <br /><br />Mostly, though, I think the entire show can be summed up in one line from the play: Immigrants. We get the job done.<br />And I think that's an extremely important message for our time and, more so, because it was written -before- 45 happened. Hamilton is not a reaction to what is happening now but a harbinger of it.Andrew Leonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13964775673414653644noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-87046813426504391592020-07-06T13:16:19.654-04:002020-07-06T13:16:19.654-04:00Great review. (I'll have to come back later to...Great review. (I'll have to come back later to explore your many links.) And I didn't know you were a child actor. So many arrows in your quiver!Michael G-Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947421844294471304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-57825973336304611252019-04-27T06:19:35.908-04:002019-04-27T06:19:35.908-04:00I found this post while searching for information ...I found this post while searching for information about blog-related research ... It's a good post .. keep posting and updating information. <a href="https://edu-birdie.us/service/proofreading-services.html" rel="nofollow"> speech writing services</a><br /><br />RogerLavoiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01661399397630500769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-36763171656535174842018-09-09T22:49:30.034-04:002018-09-09T22:49:30.034-04:00aaSlipOnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13955804752608369393noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-55080497842489716252018-07-14T15:56:00.567-04:002018-07-14T15:56:00.567-04:00This is the information I have been searching for!...This is the information I have been searching for! <br /><br /><a href="https://khohealth.com/standards-for-success/" rel="nofollow">Standards for Success</a>Kho Healthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05492318384336150293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-16639686985311744032017-06-15T07:46:25.164-04:002017-06-15T07:46:25.164-04:00This is much better than the last version I read. ...This is much better than the last version I read. I would try to keep it in the present tense, like this:<br /><br />The very next day, Eldritch goes missing and the city comes under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And Indira is among their first targets.<br /><br />My only question is, what is Eldritch's newfound power? Should it be mentioned here?mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-28272172273393016222017-04-26T23:07:21.021-04:002017-04-26T23:07:21.021-04:00Ack. I missed this.
I do think this is an improve...Ack. I missed this.<br /><br />I do think this is an improvement over the last version, which was too vague.<br /><br />This version is too detailed and does not endear us to the protagonist. <br /><br />Somewhere between, there is a balance that gives us the specifics we want, but also connects us to the drive and heart of the main character. <br /><br />I know. It is SO hard to find that perfect point. But you'll get there! You just have to find the perfect tipping point. I can only reiterate what Matt always says: Character, Conflict, and Stakes!Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-4778807371115535472017-04-05T21:16:41.632-04:002017-04-05T21:16:41.632-04:00@Nate, you're absolutely right. It can be done...@Nate, you're absolutely right. It can be done. It's not easy, and there's little room in query letters for varying from norms, but if done well, breaking "rules" can absolutely work.<br /><br />@Maria, that's an important point. What I would recommend you do is focus on using language that makes it clear that the ableism is something that comes from the character's voices, rather than the author's. There is of course nothing wrong with writing flaws characters that grow through the story. In fact, I think that's probably an important part of this story.<br /><br />@Dianne, I'm a bit split on big twists (assuming it's near the end of the story) in queries. If it's really clever, and truly affects the entire premise of the story, I think you have to fit it in. But it can also hog the word count. Normally, in my own queries I don't mention anything that relates to the third act or the denouement, etc. But of course every project is different. On the other hand, yeah you don't want to hide anything from the agent. Especially a big twist that might make or break the plot of a story. I definitely think the dark comic book premise is awesome (and oh! Maria, absolutely read THE FIVE STAGES OF ANDREW BRAWLEY by my friend Shaun above. Fabulous book with a comic book element), and the opposite gender body swap is alone intriguing enough to get some requests, I think.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-48606719363441931892017-04-05T18:55:25.718-04:002017-04-05T18:55:25.718-04:00I think everyone has made excellent suggestions he...I think everyone has made excellent suggestions here.<br /><br />I've read the manuscript, so I know there's a big twist Maria hasn't mentioned in the query.<br /><br />I always think a query should reveal the twist because if the agent thinks it's cool, it might get you that request. Otherwise, the agent has no idea.<br /><br />Still, the body swapping, dark comic book premise might be intriguing enough without revealing the twist.<br /><br />Matt, what do you think?Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-65511668586061055042017-04-05T15:29:53.924-04:002017-04-05T15:29:53.924-04:00Thank you Shaun for your very good point. I could ...Thank you Shaun for your very good point. I could certainly tone down the language in the query, but as a good part of the character arc takes Kelsey and Calvin from ableist attitudes of pity/self-loathing to a more positive place of acceptance and resilience, I don't want to sugar-coat their initial perceptions. I would welcome any other input on this. Maria Mainerohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12839883252262642051noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-42002754294129341422017-04-05T14:57:54.139-04:002017-04-05T14:57:54.139-04:00I agree with most of Matt's (and Shaun's) ...I agree with most of Matt's (and Shaun's) critiques, but there's one thing I differ on. You <i>can</i> have a successful query split between two POV characters.<br /><br />It doesn't work well the way you've laid it out here, so Matt's right on that count. And it may turn out that sticking with Kelsey alone may make for the stronger query, as she's the protagonist. But it can be done. You'd have to completely re-work the query, starting with one paragraph on Kelsey (containing no mention of Calvin), then a second paragraph on Calvin. Each would detail their character and begin to get into the conflict. Then you'd finish by tying their stories together and introducing the end game (i.e. the choices Kelsey and Calvin--or perhaps just Kelsey--would need to make).<br /><br />I'm not saying this is the direction you should go. In fact, I'd guess it's the harder one to do successfully. But who knows, it may turn out better for you. Just know you have options.Nate Wilsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09690171790664252309noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-18414789827736436812017-04-05T14:20:50.622-04:002017-04-05T14:20:50.622-04:00I second everything Matthew said here and want to ...I second everything Matthew said here and want to comment more in general about the tone of the query as it relates to the story. I was really uncomfortable reading this based on the way Calvin and his disability, disfigurement, and mental impairment were described. I think this sounds like it could be a really interesting story. The cross-gender body swap in particular, but also the comic book angle. However, I'd be really, really careful with the way you describe Calvin's physical and mental impairments. Especially seeing as he's essentially the villain in the story (from what I can tell). You want to make sure that you don't come across as ableist and you want to be careful of the ways in which you characterize Calvin's mental and physical injuries so that you're not treating him like a monster. As the query reads now, it paints a really unflattering picture of Calvin as a broke, "brain-damaged," deformed person, which isn't great. If you're going to deal with a new physical and mental impairment caused by the accident, I'd highly suggest making sure to do so compassionately and respectfully to avoid problems. <br /><br />But, still, I think this story sounds intriguing. Just pay special attention to the way you describe Calvin's injuries. Shaun Hutchinsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01480241164653893038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-9525246577055601672017-04-03T13:30:18.334-04:002017-04-03T13:30:18.334-04:00Good to see that you are back to critiquing query ...Good to see that you are back to critiquing query letters. Isn't it wonderful how successful Sarah Falen is now? Sorry I've been gone so long. I didn't have internet until last week.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-33410584819090240602017-03-13T15:00:35.752-04:002017-03-13T15:00:35.752-04:00Good luck, Matt!Good luck, Matt!Susan Kanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09834094675218254410noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-12540818523959890202017-03-11T18:41:53.504-05:002017-03-11T18:41:53.504-05:00Matt is spot on (as always)! Slightly more detail ...Matt is spot on (as always)! Slightly more detail about the MC would suffice. Overall, as an agent I would at least skim the pages. The premise is relatively undone in the genre and approaching it with a wry tone will also be interesting to read. Well done!Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-14649672496654099902017-03-11T17:22:19.259-05:002017-03-11T17:22:19.259-05:00I agree with everything Dianne and Matt said. More...I agree with everything Dianne and Matt said. More specifics. Like does Preston become homeless, too? Why is he searching among the homeless teens to find his brother? And what about the search for his brother after he encounters Zack? Is it forgotten? Sounds like a great story!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-13792277908137552012017-03-11T15:44:08.166-05:002017-03-11T15:44:08.166-05:00I agree with everything Matt said here. My initial...I agree with everything Matt said here. My initial thought when reading this query yesterday was that the premise was interesting and unique, but there wasn't enough specific detail in the query to make me want to read more. <br /><br />I don't know much about Preston as a person, and I didn't quite grasp if he is homeless, or just searching among the homeless. The query says that Zack disappears. Is he dead? Because Preston wants revenge instead of wanting to find his brother. Why does he want revenge instead of bringing the culprit to justice? And as for the man, why is Preston unsure he will survive the date with him -- is the guy a serial killer? Instead of the vague phrasing of "locked in a situation where he might also be consumed in the same way as Zack," I'd rather know the specific danger. Don't be afraid of giving away spoilers. You want the agent to know what's in the book that will make her/him want to read it.<br /><br />I hope this helps you pin down the kind of specifics you'll want to get into your query -- and good luck!Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-63785651552124491552017-03-10T21:55:01.962-05:002017-03-10T21:55:01.962-05:00Looking forward to Matt's feedback, and I have...Looking forward to Matt's feedback, and I have a few thoughts of my own!Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-4839653137511776222017-03-10T21:53:28.306-05:002017-03-10T21:53:28.306-05:00It does sound as if the narrative is split between...It does sound as if the narrative is split between the grandfather and Indy, but for the purposes of the query, you should probably choose a primary character and frame the story around that person's POV. There's a lot of information to pack into a query, and even if the narrative is equally split, it seems to me that focusing on the character with the greatest conflict and the highest stakes makes for a better query.Dianne K. Salernihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16459839567235304842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-55206778769885693072017-02-24T18:14:05.405-05:002017-02-24T18:14:05.405-05:00I agree with Matt and here's my take on improv...I agree with Matt and here's my take on improving (comments in parentheses)<br /><br />Dear Mr./Ms. Agent<br /><br />17 (or whatever)year old Indy Ramsay has trained her entire life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what her beloved grandfather, Eldritch, has taught her. Instead, it is Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and promptly sent away on a mission.<br /><br />The next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; the annual market has burnt to cinders, the Parliament destroyed by an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family gone except his grandson who is being held by the enemy (That’s a lot of stuff to have happen in a single day, especially if at least some of it isn’t hinted at before hand. Not that this has anything to do with the query). <br /><br />He can have his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. (If he does so or agrees to do so, I think you should say so in the query)<br /><br />Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive and she knows the enemy’s plans for the Empire and Eldritch.<br /><br />Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her. And this is what Indy will live by. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might to bear upon the Empire, Indy will have to prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, and she will save the Empire at any cost.<br /><br />But what if the cost is Eldritch himself?<br /><br />THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.<br /><br />My short story Blah Blah Blah (should be italics I think) published in Apex Magazine in 2016. This is my first novel.<br />mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.com