Here's another query for your perusal. Amber Mauldin blogs at Unyielding. Please drop by and follow her blog. Back? Great. Let's get to her query.
Here it is:
Dear (Agent),
It's hard enough being a lanky, seventeen year old boy who sparks lightning from his palms anytime he gets upset, but when Gabriyel’s parents are murdered and his best friend Rhet is kidnapped all in one tragic night, an unruly band of misfits might be his only chance at saving him. Gabriyel must learn to harness his supernatural abilities in order to fight alongside an alliance of gifted individuals. The only problem is, he can't seem to stop fighting against them.
Awaking in a hospital from a brutal beating that left him unconscious for a day, Gabriyel finds his world shattered. His parents have been murdered by the men that put him there, and his best friend Rhet is now missing, taken by the same men- a man named Samael and his legion of followers.
He excepts the help of a dwarf sized woman who is more than she appears, and she takes him into hiding. There he begins training for combat with an unruly group of supernaturally gifted teens who want to put an end to Samael's evil reign. Feeling lost, alone, and angry at the world, Gabriyel must learn to control his temper and put aside his less-than-fond opinion of the group, in order to save Rhet. He needs their help. And soon he discovers there is more that binds him to this band of questionable heroes than the common enemy they share.
Impenetrable, is a YA epic fantasy with Christian roots woven through the plot. Complete at 60,000 words, this novel, puts a unique spin on the classic story of the 40 days of temptation Christ suffered, but written from the POV of a hot headed disciple. Based on your interest in (put my heavily researched information about books they represent, and what they are looking for) I believe this story is the right fit for you.Thank you for your time.
Amber Mauldin
That's it.
Please keep in mind that today is just for introductions. I'm saving my feedback for tomorrow, and would appreciate it if you all could do the same.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tricia Sutton's Current Query Critiqued
Here we are. Back with Tricia's query. For anyone who is new here, Tricia's query will stay in plain text, and my feedback will be in red.
Let's get right to it:
Dear Agent:
They are naïve. They are uncivilized. They are an Oklahoma family adjusting to 1970s California culture shock (shocking the culture, is more like it). Meet the Austens.
The other problem, which actually may not be a problem due to the dual narrative frame story nature of your novel, is that we have no sense of character. You give us a pretty good one with the next paragraph, so I don't think it's a huge deal, but usually query letters open by introducing a character. I think yours can work without sticking to that norm.
Actually, Patty, the elementary-age youngest member, would prefer that you didn't. Not if she plans on fitting in. Her family, whose outrageous antics often leaves her hiding in embarrassment (even their cat is a regular in the police blotter), is only half the problem.
I like this. A lot. In fact, I think you might consider making Patty your hook. I mean she seems so unique, and turns out to be your narrator (in more than one way), so she would make a great opening. I don't think it's required to make this query work, but you should consider it.
Patty’s the other half. She practices every religion, for good measure, has inanimate objects for friends, i.e., Aunt Jemima syrup bottle and a pet rock, and believes in luck, charms, and signs. Clearly, her family’s not the only one a straw short of a haystack. I'm not sure about this. I like the voice, but isn't straw plural? What's the word for one stalk of straw? I'm no expert in hay, but for some reason it sounds off. But she craves a normal life. Normal isn’t for the hearing impaired. She’s too deaf for the hearing world and not deaf enough to ignore what folks are saying about her family, about her. Normal isn’t being the only white girl in an all black school. And when they move—and they move a lot—it isn’t being the only poor hillbilly among old-money privilege.
I love this character. That will probably be enough to make this query work, and therefore for an agent to request pages, but what's missing here is a clear sense of conflict. We get a general idea of the kind of things Patty's going to have to overcome, but the main conflict is so vague it's almost non-existent. Unless the main conflict is the issue about the psych ward. I'll get to that when we reach that part.
When her dad purchases a psychedelic hippie-band tour bus as their new residence and then parks it in their upscale neighborhood, she realizes that maybe she is meant for something different, that ordinary life is not for her. Being a society reject breeds an isolation that can lead one to amazing and unexpected things. Or life in the loony bin.
This is where the logic breaks down for me a little. If they're poor hillbillies, how to they afford to live in an upscale neighborhood? If not, and they're just rich and eccentric, why do they live in a bus? I'm sure it all makes sense in your novel, but in the query I get a bit confused.
In alternating timelines, adult Patty (our unreliable narrator) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery. Either from side-effects of morphine or perhaps from too many episodes of Jerry Springer, she believes she may actually be in the psych ward, contrary to what the staff tells her.
This is what I was referring to earlier. I get the sense that your novel has two plot arcs of equal importance and screen time, but neither one of their conflicts is made clear enough in the query. Clearly with an unreliable narrator who may or may not know exactly what is going on in the present, it's going to be hard to convey for sure what she must overcome in the query, but for the historical plot line, we definitely need a better, and more specific sense of what kind of adversity Patty has to overcome.
PSYCH WARD, a spotlight of my achievements, I'm not sure how this works. Normally the working title of an unpublished manuscript is capitalized but not italicized in a query letter. I don't know about subtitles like this. I suspect you've done it right, but I'm not positive. Although, you might want to not italicize the main title. is a 99,000-word family saga told in a nonlinear frame-like narrative with one protagonist, two storylines, and two plots. My story of the bullied misfit is softened with humor like that of THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF A PART-TIME INDIAN and of FORREST GUMP.
This novel reflects my own experiences growing up hearing impaired, which has enabled me to write with authenticity about my protagonist. I've had publications in Slow Trains, Turtle Quarterly, Halfway Down the Stairs, and various print and web magazines, including excerpts of my novel. For a list of publications, please visit http://dfmil09.wordpress.com/publications/
That's it.
What do you guys think? Does the query really need a crystal clear sense of plot and conflict when the narrator herself may not know exactly what is going on? Can you imagine a query for a story that sounds like a cross between The Grapes of Wrath and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Anything I missed? Anything I said you disagree with?
Let's get right to it:
Dear Agent:
They are naïve. They are uncivilized. They are an Oklahoma family adjusting to 1970s California culture shock (shocking the culture, is more like it). Meet the Austens.
I'm not sure about this opening. I mean it's certainly unconventional, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not sure it hooks us in and makes a reader say "oh wow, I've GOT to read on." It does have some clever voice, but I'm not exactly sure what all this means. The Austens would have to be pretty strange to shock the flower-child culture of 70s California. Perhaps they are, but below it seems like with the Hippy Bus, they'd fit right in. Maybe the problem is that they're shocking the neighbors in their upscale neighborhood, and not California 70s culture in general.
The other problem, which actually may not be a problem due to the dual narrative frame story nature of your novel, is that we have no sense of character. You give us a pretty good one with the next paragraph, so I don't think it's a huge deal, but usually query letters open by introducing a character. I think yours can work without sticking to that norm.
Actually, Patty, the elementary-age youngest member, would prefer that you didn't. Not if she plans on fitting in. Her family, whose outrageous antics often leaves her hiding in embarrassment (even their cat is a regular in the police blotter), is only half the problem.
I like this. A lot. In fact, I think you might consider making Patty your hook. I mean she seems so unique, and turns out to be your narrator (in more than one way), so she would make a great opening. I don't think it's required to make this query work, but you should consider it.
Patty’s the other half. She practices every religion, for good measure, has inanimate objects for friends, i.e., Aunt Jemima syrup bottle and a pet rock, and believes in luck, charms, and signs. Clearly, her family’s not the only one a straw short of a haystack. I'm not sure about this. I like the voice, but isn't straw plural? What's the word for one stalk of straw? I'm no expert in hay, but for some reason it sounds off. But she craves a normal life. Normal isn’t for the hearing impaired. She’s too deaf for the hearing world and not deaf enough to ignore what folks are saying about her family, about her. Normal isn’t being the only white girl in an all black school. And when they move—and they move a lot—it isn’t being the only poor hillbilly among old-money privilege.
I love this character. That will probably be enough to make this query work, and therefore for an agent to request pages, but what's missing here is a clear sense of conflict. We get a general idea of the kind of things Patty's going to have to overcome, but the main conflict is so vague it's almost non-existent. Unless the main conflict is the issue about the psych ward. I'll get to that when we reach that part.
When her dad purchases a psychedelic hippie-band tour bus as their new residence and then parks it in their upscale neighborhood, she realizes that maybe she is meant for something different, that ordinary life is not for her. Being a society reject breeds an isolation that can lead one to amazing and unexpected things. Or life in the loony bin.
This is where the logic breaks down for me a little. If they're poor hillbillies, how to they afford to live in an upscale neighborhood? If not, and they're just rich and eccentric, why do they live in a bus? I'm sure it all makes sense in your novel, but in the query I get a bit confused.
In alternating timelines, adult Patty (our unreliable narrator) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery. Either from side-effects of morphine or perhaps from too many episodes of Jerry Springer, she believes she may actually be in the psych ward, contrary to what the staff tells her.
This is what I was referring to earlier. I get the sense that your novel has two plot arcs of equal importance and screen time, but neither one of their conflicts is made clear enough in the query. Clearly with an unreliable narrator who may or may not know exactly what is going on in the present, it's going to be hard to convey for sure what she must overcome in the query, but for the historical plot line, we definitely need a better, and more specific sense of what kind of adversity Patty has to overcome.
PSYCH WARD, a spotlight of my achievements, I'm not sure how this works. Normally the working title of an unpublished manuscript is capitalized but not italicized in a query letter. I don't know about subtitles like this. I suspect you've done it right, but I'm not positive. Although, you might want to not italicize the main title. is a 99,000-word family saga told in a nonlinear frame-like narrative with one protagonist, two storylines, and two plots. My story of the bullied misfit is softened with humor like that of THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF A PART-TIME INDIAN and of FORREST GUMP.
This novel reflects my own experiences growing up hearing impaired, which has enabled me to write with authenticity about my protagonist. I've had publications in Slow Trains, Turtle Quarterly, Halfway Down the Stairs, and various print and web magazines, including excerpts of my novel. For a list of publications, please visit http://dfmil09.wordpress.com/publications/
To summarize, this is one of the hardest queries I've ever critiqued. For one thing, it's very strong on certain things like voice and character. The issues I have with plot and conflict may not really apply to a query that is describing such an unconventional novel. My suggestion would be to only make the changes I suggest if they resonate with your vision for the story, and only if my readers and your critique partners concur. Another option is to send out a very few queries to see if it is working, before you begin to query widely.
That's it.
What do you guys think? Does the query really need a crystal clear sense of plot and conflict when the narrator herself may not know exactly what is going on? Can you imagine a query for a story that sounds like a cross between The Grapes of Wrath and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Anything I missed? Anything I said you disagree with?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tricia Sutton's Current Query
I've still got several queries waiting in the queue, so today we have to get back to work. But don't worry, I haven't made it through all the blogs that took part in the Origins Blogfest yet, so if you didn't see me yesterday, expect me today.
Now, today's post is to introduce you to Tricia Sutton. She keeps an interesting blog, here, but it's a wordpress blog, so you'll have to sign up via RSS if you want to "follow." Please keep in mind, today is just an intro, and so that you can see Tricia's query without my red pixels all over it.
Here we go:
Dear Agent:
They are naïve. They are uncivilized. They are an Oklahoma family adjusting to 1970s California culture shock (shocking the culture, is more like it). Meet the Austens.
Actually, Patty, the elementary-age youngest member, would prefer that you didn't. Not if she plans on fitting in. Her family, whose outrageous antics often leaves her hiding in embarrassment (even their cat is a regular in the police blotter), is only half the problem.
Patty’s the other half. She practices every religion, for good measure, has inanimate objects for friends, i.e., Aunt Jemima syrup bottle and a pet rock, and believes in luck, charms, and signs. Clearly, her family’s not the only one a straw short of a haystack. But she craves a normal life. Normal isn’t for the hearing impaired. She’s too deaf for the hearing world and not deaf enough to ignore what folks are saying about her family, about her. Normal isn’t being the only white girl in an all black school. And when they move—and they move a lot—it isn’t being the only poor hillbilly among old-money privilege.
When her dad purchases a psychedelic hippie-band tour bus as their new residence and then parks it in their upscale neighborhood, she realizes that maybe she is meant for something different, that ordinary life is not for her. Being a society reject breeds an isolation that can lead one to amazing and unexpected things. Or life in the loony bin.
In alternating timelines, adult Patty (our unreliable narrator) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery. Either from side-effects of morphine or perhaps from too many episodes of Jerry Springer, she believes she may actually be in the psych ward, contrary to what the staff tells her.
PSYCH WARD, a spotlight of my achievements, is a 99,000-word family saga told in a nonlinear frame-like narrative with one protagonist, two storylines, and two plots. My story of the bullied misfit is softened with humor like that of THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF A PART-TIME INDIAN and of FORREST GUMP.
This novel reflects my own experiences growing up hearing impaired, which has enabled me to write with authenticity about my protagonist. I've had publications in Slow Trains, Turtle Quarterly, Halfway Down the Stairs, and various print and web magazines, including excerpts of my novel. For a list of publications, please visit http://dfmil09.wordpress.com/publications/
That's it.
Please thank Tricia for her courage, and for sharing her query letter so that we all can learn, and save your feedback for tomorrow, when I will give her mine.
Now, today's post is to introduce you to Tricia Sutton. She keeps an interesting blog, here, but it's a wordpress blog, so you'll have to sign up via RSS if you want to "follow." Please keep in mind, today is just an intro, and so that you can see Tricia's query without my red pixels all over it.
Here we go:
Dear Agent:
They are naïve. They are uncivilized. They are an Oklahoma family adjusting to 1970s California culture shock (shocking the culture, is more like it). Meet the Austens.
Actually, Patty, the elementary-age youngest member, would prefer that you didn't. Not if she plans on fitting in. Her family, whose outrageous antics often leaves her hiding in embarrassment (even their cat is a regular in the police blotter), is only half the problem.
Patty’s the other half. She practices every religion, for good measure, has inanimate objects for friends, i.e., Aunt Jemima syrup bottle and a pet rock, and believes in luck, charms, and signs. Clearly, her family’s not the only one a straw short of a haystack. But she craves a normal life. Normal isn’t for the hearing impaired. She’s too deaf for the hearing world and not deaf enough to ignore what folks are saying about her family, about her. Normal isn’t being the only white girl in an all black school. And when they move—and they move a lot—it isn’t being the only poor hillbilly among old-money privilege.
When her dad purchases a psychedelic hippie-band tour bus as their new residence and then parks it in their upscale neighborhood, she realizes that maybe she is meant for something different, that ordinary life is not for her. Being a society reject breeds an isolation that can lead one to amazing and unexpected things. Or life in the loony bin.
In alternating timelines, adult Patty (our unreliable narrator) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery. Either from side-effects of morphine or perhaps from too many episodes of Jerry Springer, she believes she may actually be in the psych ward, contrary to what the staff tells her.
PSYCH WARD, a spotlight of my achievements, is a 99,000-word family saga told in a nonlinear frame-like narrative with one protagonist, two storylines, and two plots. My story of the bullied misfit is softened with humor like that of THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF A PART-TIME INDIAN and of FORREST GUMP.
This novel reflects my own experiences growing up hearing impaired, which has enabled me to write with authenticity about my protagonist. I've had publications in Slow Trains, Turtle Quarterly, Halfway Down the Stairs, and various print and web magazines, including excerpts of my novel. For a list of publications, please visit http://dfmil09.wordpress.com/publications/
That's it.
Please thank Tricia for her courage, and for sharing her query letter so that we all can learn, and save your feedback for tomorrow, when I will give her mine.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Origins Blogfest
Welcome to the Origins Blogfest! This is the fest where we all share the beginnings of how we became a writer. The idea comes from DL Hammons, who along with Katie, and Alex, are my co-hosts for the blogfest. For the list of all participants, just click on that first link.
So let's get to it.
I shared a bit about how I fell in love with reading on Friday at Project Mayhem. I think it's a natural progression to go from falling in love with books and reading to falling in love with writing. That's certainly how it worked for me. So after falling in love with Tolkien, and collecting everything I could that had anything to do with Middle Earth, it was easy for me to get hooked on Dungeons & Dragons.
My best friend in grade school was Irish Catholic, so he had seven older brothers, and one younger. They all played D&D together, so whenever I went over to their house, it was wizards and warriors and epic adventures. I think that's what first made me fall in love with writing. Not only was it making things up, and using your imagination, but there was such language! Gary Gygax may not have ever been a novelist, but he sure knew how to describe a monster, and he made up some very cool spells.
From there I progressed to reading all the fantasy I could get my hands on. A lot of it was tie-ins like Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms, but I also enjoyed original stuff like Pern, and Shannara, and so on. I think I tried to write my first novel when I was about 12. In sixth grade. It was on Wordperfect, on a monochrome screen, and I only made it a few chapters in.
Then my reading matured, and I got into spy thrillers by the likes of Le Carre, Ludlum, and Forysth. I started writing short stories, and even won some kind of contest for a short story I wrote that I can't even remember. From there I got into poetry, and trying to write song lyrics. All through high school I loved to write, and wrote all kinds of different things.
Then things changed, and life got in the way, and I didn't write a thing for over a decade. It wasn't until a few years ago that I decided to write a novel, but that's probably a story for another time.
Friday, February 10, 2012
DIES IRAE Blog Tour
I am very excited to be taking part in Christine Fonseca's blog tour for the release of her novel DIES IRAE. I've known Christine for some time as the author of the great series of non-fiction books about gifted kids. They are excellent, and very useful books, but today is about her novel.
I've asked Christine to do a guest post, because I haven't had time to read her novel yet (although I read the first chapter, and am looking forward to finding the time to read the rest). I asked her to write about the difference between writing about teens (as in her non-fcition) and writing for teens (as in this awesome novella). Before I go on too long, I'm just going to let her take it away:
Writing For Teens vs. Writing About Teens
Hi all! Thanks, Matt, for hosting a leg of the blog tour for DIES IRAE. Today marks the end of the first full week. WOO HOO! I hope everyone has enjoyed the tour so far
For today, Matt asked me to write about my transition from writing nonfiction ABOUT teens to writing fiction FOR teens. What a great topic.
A little background is needed to really explain what the transition has been like. I am a trained school psychologist, adapting a cognitive behavioral approach to most of my work. Additionally, I am well versed and trained in integrative or transformational psychology. Basically, that means that I typically take the approach of teaching kids and adults how to change their perspective and reaction to things in life, thereby taking control (to whatever degree possible) over the outcome. Whew, what a mouth full.
Okay, keeping the above in mind, I started my soiree into writing by means of my nonfiction, writing books about the social and emotional needs of gifted children, including gifted teens. The audience for the books was initially parents and educators. Given my personal beliefs regarding psychological books, and my desire to make sure the information in my books was completely accessible to everyone, I chose a writing style that was more conversational and less formal.
With my next nonfiction book, I took much of the same information I had given adults and wrote it specifically for kids, aged 8-12, switching the tone to one that was even more fun and relaxed. My next book will be geared for teens, and the language and tone will reflect that.
With fiction, I’d always intended to write for teens and new adults. As a psychologist, I work with teens every day, so writing stories for them just seemed natural. And, given my tendency towards psychological concepts that speak directly to the specific audience I am dealing with, I assumed that this would be a natural transition for me.
Fortunately, it has been.
That said, there are a few things I keep in mind when writing specifically for teens:
- Language usage—I am very conscious of my word choice and grammar usage. While I never speak “down” to kids, I don’t want to speak in a way that is too formal either. This is probably the thing I have had to work on the most. Prior to writing books, my writing mostly consisted of psycho-educational reports and technical documents written in a strict APA style. Yeah, that does not work for fiction.
- Topic—as with nonfiction, I am always striving to fill a void, whether that means filling a specific educational niche, or writing a familiar story in a new way. Topic is something very important to readers, and something I try to keep at the forefront of my thoughts while still keeping true to the artist inside.
- Cliché—yeah, I just avoid them. Period. At least I try to. My teen group, a group of several teens that serve as a focus group of sorts, is great at helping with this.
- “Smart” plots—one of the best things about working with teens, I realize just how smart they are. And how hungry they are for complex storylines. My job as an author is to constantly strive to give them just exactly that—a complex storyline that rings true.
- Authenticity—while all readers demand authenticity from their stories, I find teens to be particularly scrupulous in this regards. Sure, they are more than willing to suspend belief at times, but only if the plot is plausible in some way. Teens are relentless when it comes to characters behaving in an authentic manner, more so than most readers I think. So, I am too!
When I first tackled the topic Matt gave me, I will admit, I was nervous. I wasn’t sure I knew how I made the transition. In fact, I wasn’t at all certain that I had even made it successfully. And I’m still not entirely certain on that point. But, in thinking and stewing about this topic, there is something I am now certain of—the transition really wasn’t much of a transition. The overlap between my genres is much greater than I had previously realized. And other than the things listed above, things I pay particular attention to, yeah…there isn’t nearly as much of a difference between writing for teens and writing about teens. Not much at all.
I guess all of you will be the judge as to whether or not I did it successfully.
Thanks so much, Christine! I find the entire topic fascinating. Before I let you all go, I just want to let you know where you can find Christine, and her books. Before we get to links, though, here's the final cover of DIES IRAE:
Now here are Christine's links:
Her website.
Her blog.
DIES IRAE on Goodreads.
LACRIMOSA on Goodreads.
101 Success Secrets for Gifted Kids
Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students.
That's basically it. Except Christine is also willing to offer two free downloads. The first is for any of you. All you have to do is comment on this post, mention that you would like to win, and provide your contact info if it is not already included in your blogger account. The second download can only be won by a teenager. If you know one, you can enter a second time on their behalf, but they'll need to be willing to supply Christine with their email address, and what type of e-book they need (Kindle, Nook, etc.). Yay for free books!
And one final thing, I'm posting over at Project Mayhem as well today, talking a little bit about what books mean to young people. Feel free to read that too. Thanks, and happy Friday!
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