Toni Sinns' Current Query II Critiqued

Wow. So I apologize, but this post probably won't go up until 9 AM. I've been at work for two hours, and the phone just now stopped ringing. It's not even 8 AM. But it's almost noon in the UK, and that's the problem.

Anyway, enough of me bitching about work. Let's get to work. Er, wait.

Here's Toni's query, with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Anistasia Cloud, an ex-mafia I'm not sure there's really such a thing as ex-mafia. Unless you make it into witness protection, I don't think La Cosa Nostra allows people to just back out. princess, and John Kusagari, a local street racing ring master, become a dynamic duo in the short two months left of their Junior year at Brooksville High. Not only do they have to face the high school drama of being seventeen they also have to face the secretes is this a British English spelling? Because this looks like the verb for secretion. from their past.

I'm not really sure about this entire opening. The one thing you have going for you is a unique premise, but the way everything is delivered here isn't working for me. For one, we've got no sense of character, just her situation. For another, you tell us all about the high school situation, but unless that's mostly backstory, you want to show us. Finally, you introduce another character much too early. I realize you mentioned yesterday that the book is told from alternating POVs, and I know that's hard to convey in a query, but I would focus on hooking us with one character, then lead into the other more gradually, and mention the two POVs in your housekeeping paragraph.

Anistasia is on the run with her older Brother Xander from a mafia her father sold her to when she was only eight. So I like the concept behind this, but I'm not sure how believable the premise is. For one thing, the Italian Mafia rarely deals in human trafficking or sex slavery, so if that's what you mean you might want to reconsider. Also, if she and her brother are on the run from the mob, it's a little hard to believe she can safely attend high school. One option might be to make it the Russian Mafiya, Vory, or Bratva, who are well known for dealing in those kinds of crimes. Growing up in the Italian Mafia provided her with an array of special skills she uses to stay one step ahead of her pursuers. What did she do for this mob? Because it's highly unlikely that she was sold to them, and then trained to be a thief or an assassin or something like that, but if that is what happened in the story you're telling, be sure to make it clear in the query, because that would be cool.

However, when she moves to Brooksville and meets up with John she starts thinking about staying around for a while, which ultimately could be her death. Obviously, but still, this is a good raising of the stakes. You might want to consider fitting this into your opening, because at first, I thought she'd always lived there.

John is a local boy that took over the underground street races every other Friday night. I know I always say be specific, but I don't think we need this detail. Using the code name Blaze, as he races, helps keep the law and his mobster father Sebastian out of the know-how. I think you mean uniformed, but it's confusing, because know-how is not the same thing as know-of. Protecting his Mother April mom and younger sister Naomi has been his job ever sense his older brother Hunter died. But when he runs into Anistasia he can’t help but think about her all the time fall for her. Is there enough of him to help Can he protect one more? I would skip asking questions in a query if you can. Just say something like, John will have to decide whether he has the time/energy/dedication/whatever to protect one more person.

I GOT YOU COVERED is the first book of the Blazing Charm series. It is completed with 53,768 complete at 55,000 words. I have available the outline for the complete Blazing Charm series. You can mention series potential in a query, but make sure the first novel can stand on its own. With your recent move into Juvenile writers I believe my YA, action, romance will be a good fit for you. This must be specific for one agent, because not all of them have recently moved into this market. I would also refer to it as Children's Fiction, or Young Adult Fiction, rather than "Juvenile writers." I would also refer to your genre as something like "a Contemporary YA Romance, steeped with action and suspense." Maybe not those exact words, but just be clear that Romance and Contemporary are accepted sub-genres, while action really is not.

I currently have one self-published poetry book on Amazon in paperback and kindle version. Unless it's sold thousands of copies, don't mention previous self-published works.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Toni Sinns

Okay, to summarize, the organization and execution of this query needs some work. You do have the hardest part down: a cool and unique premise, that clearly shows a story that will be full of tension. It's possible some agents would request pages based on that alone.

But you want this query to make sense, and to force an agent to have no choice but to request pages. I think if you re-structure, you can make that happen.

Open with Anastasia, give us a pinch of her backstory right away, show us what kind of character she is, and then lay out the inciting incident that she has just arrived in Brooksville, New Jersey (my assumption) while on the run from the Mob, who she used to do X for. Then you can get into high school, and describe the fact that the main conflict is: do I stay and love John, and risk capture and death, or do I run, and live? This makes for excellent high stakes that require a difficult decision, which is exactly how you want to end a query.

That's it.

What do you all think?

Toni Sinns' Current Query II

I've had Toni on before. If you don't recall, here is her other query, and here it is, critiqued. It was a picture book, so of course this one will be somewhat different.

Here's the letter:

Dear Agent,

Anistasia Cloud, an ex-mafia princess, and John Kusagari, a local street racing ring master, become a dynamic duo in the short two months left of their Junior year at Brooksville High. Not only do they have to face the high school drama of being seventeen they also have to face the secretes from their past.

Anistasia is on the run with her older Brother Xander from a mafia her father sold her to when she was only eight. Growing up in the Italian Mafia provided her with an array of special skills she uses to stay one step ahead of her pursuers.

However, when she moves to Brooksville and meets up with John she starts thinking about staying around for a while, which ultimately could be her death.

John is a local boy that took over the underground street races every other Friday night. Using the code name Blaze, as he races, helps keep the law and his mobster father Sebastian out of the know-how. Protecting his Mother April and younger Sister Naomi has been his job ever sense his older brother Hunter died. But when he runs into Anistasia he can’t help but think about her all the time. Is there enough of him to help protect one more?

I GOT YOU COVERED is the first book of the Blazing Charm series. It is completed with 53,768 words. I have available the outline for the complete Blazing Charm series. With your recent move into Juvenile writers I believe my YA, action, romance will be a good fit for you.

I currently have one self-published poetry book on Amazon in paperback and kindle version.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Toni Sinns

That's it!

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. I won't be doing much reading of blogs today, because I need to get some writing done, and it just hasn't been happening at home lately, so if you post something important that you want me to see, please say so in your comment.

Toni Sinns' Current Query Critiqued

Okay, first things first, Happy 200th Birthday to Charles Dickens. If you've never read any Dickens, I highly recommend you read one of his novels this year. You won't regret it.

Now let's get to work. I have Toni's Picture Book query again today, but this time with my thoughts, in red.

Here we go:

First, I want to make it clear, I'm not very experienced with Picture Books, so I want all of you to take everything I say (or write) with a grain of salt. I've never written a PB, and have only ever read or critiqued probably one or two PB queries.

I have been researching them since yesterday, though, so I will point Toni to a few resources right off the bat. First, I have two friends and readers who I know are experienced with PBs, whose blogs you should definitely be following. They are Shelley Moore Thomas, and Ishta Mercurio. I expect both of them to be able to stop by today. Another blogger who I don't really know, but I'm told is experienced with PBs is Verla Kay.

Some other articles I found about PB queries are: this post, at From the Write Angle, this post, at Barbara Kanninen's website (she also offers paid critiques, here), this post, by literary agent and author Mary Kole, at Kidlit.com, and finally, this excellent video, from WriteOnCon 2011, by author Emma Walton Hamilton. I know that's a lot of links, and you certainly don't have to visit them all, but there's some good PB query letter info out there.

NOTE: The previous two paragraphs are full of links, but my blogger template can make them hard to see when they're red. Hover your mouse over the text if you want to check for hyperlinks.

Anyway, what I've learned, is that there are basically two types of PB queries. Most agents who accept PB submissions allow the entire manuscript to be pasted in an e-query after the letter. This is much like the first five pages of a novel, but because PBs are so short, they often accept the whole thing. This does not include artwork, though they often ask for a link to an online portfolio if you also illustrate your own work. In that kind of submission situation the kind of query you write for a novel is not needed. Just a very short summary and an introduction.

We're going to focus on the other kind of submission. The one where the agent doesn't want to see the manuscript unless a traditional query has piqued their interest.

Dear Agent,

I have written an approximant this is a typo, which is fine, because you can remove all of this. 399 word fictional adventure for all children called “Baby Dragon’s Sound” or “Where is my sound?” This entire paragraph can be handled in the subject field of your email. Write it like this: "Query: BABY DRAGON'S SOUND, picture book, 400 words." The title of an unpublished work is always capitalized in a query, and it is absolutely fine to round up by one word, or even ten.

Opening up you meet baby dragon and quickly find that baby dragon makes no noise. Don't open this way. This is telling. I know some people mentioned yesterday that you should name Baby Dragon. I disagree. I mean you can if you want, but I recall many PBs as a child where the character was simply Max, or Ugly Duckling. However, you want to show us the opening. Something like "when he's born, Baby Dragon is concerned to discover that he cannot roar" (or coo, or whatever sound he needs to make). The baby dragon He goes on an adventure to find his sound. As Baby Dragon walks down a small road he comes across fairies, gnomes, and elves. He is unable to make the same sounds as the people he meets on this road. I'm unclear on what this means. All these creatures are usually able to talk in fantasy settings, is Baby Dragon expecting to be able to talk? He finally hears his mother and returns to the nest. He finds his sound with his mother. This is kind of adorable, and I get the sense that it works very well in your story, but I think the concept of "sound" is a little vague for the query. Is there any way you can make it more specific? Is it a roar? Or can he talk, and you mean his voice?

This story is full of children magic. What does this mean? This is the kind of thing you should show, not tell, anyway. The characters are all mythical and live in children’s imagination. Are you saying it's a Frame Story? Like it starts out with someone telling the story within a story to a child? It is fun for children to hear and easy for them to learn to read. There is also the ability to make this book into a sound book with buttons for the different creatures. Other books have followed the search and find story line idea and have sold well. I believe mine can stand on its own by being about the magical creatures of the child’s imagination. Cut the rest of this. It's good to show you've done your research, but you need to find another way to do that. Comparative titles from the agent's list are good, but don't bring this other stuff up, because that's the agent's job.

Thank you for your time. I have placed the text portion following this letter. I cut that only because in this example, the agent doesn't allow the full MS in the e-query. I can’t wait to speak with you about joining your team. You don't need this, but if you want something like this, don't say, "can't wait," say, "look forward to ..."

Thank you,

Toni G. Sinns

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anybody disagree with me about Baby Dragon being okay as a proper name in a PB? Anything else you'd like to see added or changed?

Toni Sinns' Current Query

I know today is Monday, but I've got something special planned this Friday, so we're doing queries Monday through Thursday this week. Today is Toni Sinns' query for what I assume is intended as a Picture Book, because it sounds too short to be an Early Reader. Toni has a blog, that you'll need to visit and follow.

Back? Great, here's her query:

Dear Agent,

I have written an approximant 399 word fictional adventure for all children called “Baby Dragon’s Sound” or “Where is my sound?”

Opening up you meet baby dragon and quickly find that baby dragon makes no noise. The baby dragon goes on an adventure to find his sound. As baby dragon walks down a small road he comes across fairies, gnomes, and elves. He is unable to make the same sounds as the people he meets on this road. He finally hears his mother and returns to the nest. He finds his sound with his mother.

This story is full of children magic. The characters are all mythical and live in children’s imagination. It is fun for children to hear and easy for them to learn to read. There is also the ability to make this book into a sound book with buttons for the different creatures. Other books have followed the search and find story line idea and have sold well. I believe mine can stand on its own by being about the magical creatures of the child’s imagination.

Thank you for your time. I have placed the text portion following this letter. I can’t wait to speak with you about joining your team.

Thank you,

Toni G. Sinns

That's it.

I'm definitely no expert in books for young children, and I've never attempted a Picture Book myself, but I have some readers who know a lot about them, so we'll see if we can help Toni with her query tomorrow.