Toni Sinns' Current Query II Critiqued

Wow. So I apologize, but this post probably won't go up until 9 AM. I've been at work for two hours, and the phone just now stopped ringing. It's not even 8 AM. But it's almost noon in the UK, and that's the problem.

Anyway, enough of me bitching about work. Let's get to work. Er, wait.

Here's Toni's query, with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Anistasia Cloud, an ex-mafia I'm not sure there's really such a thing as ex-mafia. Unless you make it into witness protection, I don't think La Cosa Nostra allows people to just back out. princess, and John Kusagari, a local street racing ring master, become a dynamic duo in the short two months left of their Junior year at Brooksville High. Not only do they have to face the high school drama of being seventeen they also have to face the secretes is this a British English spelling? Because this looks like the verb for secretion. from their past.

I'm not really sure about this entire opening. The one thing you have going for you is a unique premise, but the way everything is delivered here isn't working for me. For one, we've got no sense of character, just her situation. For another, you tell us all about the high school situation, but unless that's mostly backstory, you want to show us. Finally, you introduce another character much too early. I realize you mentioned yesterday that the book is told from alternating POVs, and I know that's hard to convey in a query, but I would focus on hooking us with one character, then lead into the other more gradually, and mention the two POVs in your housekeeping paragraph.

Anistasia is on the run with her older Brother Xander from a mafia her father sold her to when she was only eight. So I like the concept behind this, but I'm not sure how believable the premise is. For one thing, the Italian Mafia rarely deals in human trafficking or sex slavery, so if that's what you mean you might want to reconsider. Also, if she and her brother are on the run from the mob, it's a little hard to believe she can safely attend high school. One option might be to make it the Russian Mafiya, Vory, or Bratva, who are well known for dealing in those kinds of crimes. Growing up in the Italian Mafia provided her with an array of special skills she uses to stay one step ahead of her pursuers. What did she do for this mob? Because it's highly unlikely that she was sold to them, and then trained to be a thief or an assassin or something like that, but if that is what happened in the story you're telling, be sure to make it clear in the query, because that would be cool.

However, when she moves to Brooksville and meets up with John she starts thinking about staying around for a while, which ultimately could be her death. Obviously, but still, this is a good raising of the stakes. You might want to consider fitting this into your opening, because at first, I thought she'd always lived there.

John is a local boy that took over the underground street races every other Friday night. I know I always say be specific, but I don't think we need this detail. Using the code name Blaze, as he races, helps keep the law and his mobster father Sebastian out of the know-how. I think you mean uniformed, but it's confusing, because know-how is not the same thing as know-of. Protecting his Mother April mom and younger sister Naomi has been his job ever sense his older brother Hunter died. But when he runs into Anistasia he can’t help but think about her all the time fall for her. Is there enough of him to help Can he protect one more? I would skip asking questions in a query if you can. Just say something like, John will have to decide whether he has the time/energy/dedication/whatever to protect one more person.

I GOT YOU COVERED is the first book of the Blazing Charm series. It is completed with 53,768 complete at 55,000 words. I have available the outline for the complete Blazing Charm series. You can mention series potential in a query, but make sure the first novel can stand on its own. With your recent move into Juvenile writers I believe my YA, action, romance will be a good fit for you. This must be specific for one agent, because not all of them have recently moved into this market. I would also refer to it as Children's Fiction, or Young Adult Fiction, rather than "Juvenile writers." I would also refer to your genre as something like "a Contemporary YA Romance, steeped with action and suspense." Maybe not those exact words, but just be clear that Romance and Contemporary are accepted sub-genres, while action really is not.

I currently have one self-published poetry book on Amazon in paperback and kindle version. Unless it's sold thousands of copies, don't mention previous self-published works.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Toni Sinns

Okay, to summarize, the organization and execution of this query needs some work. You do have the hardest part down: a cool and unique premise, that clearly shows a story that will be full of tension. It's possible some agents would request pages based on that alone.

But you want this query to make sense, and to force an agent to have no choice but to request pages. I think if you re-structure, you can make that happen.

Open with Anastasia, give us a pinch of her backstory right away, show us what kind of character she is, and then lay out the inciting incident that she has just arrived in Brooksville, New Jersey (my assumption) while on the run from the Mob, who she used to do X for. Then you can get into high school, and describe the fact that the main conflict is: do I stay and love John, and risk capture and death, or do I run, and live? This makes for excellent high stakes that require a difficult decision, which is exactly how you want to end a query.

That's it.

What do you all think?