Metaphorically Speaking

It's been a rough week here in QQQE land. So I'm hooking your Friday up with teh funneh.

These are not originals written by me. These are some examples from a supposed collection of the world's worst metaphors, which, according to the internet, were collected by high school English teachers.

Enjoy.

• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
• He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
• Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
• Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
• Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
• He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
• I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
• She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

You're welcome.