Friday, March 9, 2012

Metaphorically Speaking

It's been a rough week here in QQQE land. So I'm hooking your Friday up with teh funneh.

These are not originals written by me. These are some examples from a supposed collection of the world's worst metaphors, which, according to the internet, were collected by high school English teachers.

Enjoy.
  • Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  • He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
  • Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  • She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  • The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  • He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  • She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  • The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
  • His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  • Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  • The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  • He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
  • Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  • She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
  • She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  • The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  • The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  • “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
  • It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
  • He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  • The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  • The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  • Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
  • Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
  • Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
  • He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
  • I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
  • She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn
  • It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
  • You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
  • The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
  • The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

You're welcome.

46 comments:

SA Larsenッ said...

Haha!! I can't stop laughing. Thigh Master...Calvin Klein's Obsession! The best image is the ballerina one - fire hydrant; it's called an Attitude in the ballet world. Seriously. :D

Natalie Aguirre said...

I had a terrible week too. Funny. I can't believe the e coli one. Have a good weekend.

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Every time I thought I'd seen the best one, there was a better one below it!

I hope you have a better week next week!

Marta Szemik said...

LOL! Those are good! "She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs". Still laughing. What a great way to start a morning. Thanks Matt, and have a good weekend:)

Jamie Gibbs said...

This? Amazing. I'm going to have to slip some of these into covnersation at work and see what happens :)

maine character said...

I just made a sound like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. As dogs are wont to do. :D

Rusty Webb said...

Oh my. Everyone one of those were great. I'd use almost anyone on of them in the future if it wouldn't be stealing. It's hard to pick a favorite, so I won't, but the one about the bells ringing like a garbage truck stuck out to me. It stuck out like the one kid that hit puberty in the 4th grade and he sat right beside you and didn't wear deodorant and you don't know what deodorant does, but you really think he should wear some, and he just wants to play transformers, but you can't because he smells so bad. Well, that one stuck out just like that. Because I liked playing transformers, but I just couldn't with him around.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I think I just woke my kids up because I was laughing so hard. I've read some of them before.

I'm bad at metaphors, but compared to these, I'm a genius. :D

That star-crossed lovers one make me think of math class.

Rick Daley said...

The earth hung in space, its restless white clouds revealing the land and water beneath them like a hooker flashing her goods.


The sounds of Manhattan rose to the surface of Greg’s consciousness like a floater coming back up the toilet bowl.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Those are hilarious! Although the TV Guide crossword IS pathetically easy.

Mary said...

Sorry about the rough week, but thanks for the laugh. I really needed that!

Hope you have a fantastic weekend and a great week next week!

Charles the Reader said...

Wow, those were interesting to say the least.

farawayeyes said...

"breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1 beer night" LMAO AND I'll never look another oval shaped face without thinking of a thigh master. Hilarious!

Talli Roland said...

Oh my. I love these! When I taught, my students came up with some hilarious ones. I wish I'd written them down!

Summer Frey said...

"He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River."

I'd say that's a great metaphor! :D

bel said...

Funny! Thank you for sharing. :D

Bryan Russell said...

I'm totally using that E.coli one.

Tonja said...

Fried maggots! I hope next week is better for you.

Miranda Hardy said...

Those are great!!! Makes me smile.

Have a great weekend.

Old Kitty said...

Very creative in their own way! LOL!

Sorry you're having a rough week - hope you have a great weekend!

Take care
x

Nancy Thompson said...

I'll never complain about my own metaphoric skillz again. Thanks for starting my Friday off with a giggle. Hope your weekend is fun & relaxing.

Justine Dell said...

Bwahahahahaha! I'm putting all of these on my don't list. They are all so good! But the one about the backing garbage truck? Ack! As a romance writer, this is not giving the appropriate image. At all. LoL.
~JD

Marsha Sigman said...

'The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.'

LOL. I love this one. But then I know Phil.

Lori M. Lee said...

hahaha, that was awesome. And I can totally see some of these really happening b/c my daughter often writes the way she talks as well (although she's only 9 so it's okay).

mshatch said...

She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.

lol! Good thing my boss isn't here...

Kerrie Boyd Thomas said...

*giggle*
Stopping over from the A to Z Challenge. I can't wait to start!!
P.S. Of course I'm your newest follower
Giggle, Laugh, Cry

The Armchair Squid said...

Thank you. Much needed after a stressful week. I feel like I've seen some of these before, in an earlier e-mail chain letter era, but the list has been expanded over the years.

Angela Brown said...

I am so glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read this because I would have ruined my poor laptop, laughing worse than a hyena on steroids.

lol!!!!!!

Robyn Lucas said...

Love it! These are hilarious.

My fave: The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

Andrew Leon said...

They're made even worse because they're nearly all similes rather than metaphors. heh

Suzie F. said...

Yeah, it's been a week, hasn't it? Hope your weekend improves.

My favorite: She was as easy as TV Guide crossword. *snicker*

I won't thank you for the image of frying maggots though. Ew!

Eric W. Trant said...

This one's not too bad:

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

- Eric

Brinda said...

These are the worst? I kind of liked some of them. ;/

Sarah Pearson said...

Yeah, I kinda liked Phil ...

Carrie Butler said...

Thanks for the laugh! The one about the two freight trains killed me. :D

Sarah Ahiers said...

Hah! These are awesome!

A W Exley said...

Thanks for the laugh.

I'm loving the e.coli & beef imagery, if only I could figure out how to slide that into my query... lol

Jemi Fraser said...

Those are hilarious! 'just like a bowling ball wouldn't' - too funny.

Hope your weekend rocks and next week is even better.

Botanist said...

World's worst metaphors? In the right context, some of these are pure genius!

Thanks for the chuckle!

Angela Ackerman said...

Bwahahhaaa--these are awesome. :)

Rachel Schieffelbein said...

Ha, that was fun. :) Thanks for sharing!

Anna Smith said...

Haha these are genius. I'm never gona look at hailstones the same way again! :)

Universal Gibberish

Arlee Bird said...

This gave me a good laugh--I needed that. Actually I quite liked some of those. They reminded me of those voice-overs in film noir movies.


Lee
Wrote By Rote
An A to Z Co-host blog
Twitter: @AprilA2Z

Pearson Report said...

Hey Matthew...thanks for the serious belly giggle! Won't even attempt to go with that, suffice it to say, one was better than the next.
I laughed, heartily, from start to finish.

Great post!

Jenny @ Pearson Report
Co-Host of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge.
Twitter: @AprilA2Z

Lydia Kang said...

Those are so awful they're hilarious. Thanks Matthew!

Melodie Wright said...

Oh awesome. I am totally stealing these for my next edition of friday funnies.
I am copying you like I had big pointy ears and whiskers.