Samantha Jean's Current Query Critiqued

All right. So here we have Samantha's query letter again, this time with my feedback, which is in red.

Dear [AGENT],

I chose to submit my story manuscript for your consideration because of your expertise in the young adult genre, and because [personalized tidbit about agent/books or authors successfully represented by agent].

Almost-fifteen-year-old Lilith Butler’s life is a suburban girl’s heaven: perfect grades, loving parents, sister-like girlfriends, and her long-time crush is finally paying attention to her. This is pretty good. You quite skillfully fit in backstory and set up Lilith's world (not quite world building, because it's Urban Fantasy, but still good). The only problem is, I would like to know more about who Lilith is before her story begins. We get some sense of character from these external things that surround her, but it would be better to know what kind of person she is, independent of what goes on around her. That is, until the arrival of an uninvited guest two days before her birthday unearths buried family secrets which turn her existence into anything but heavenly. Normally this would be way too vague for a query letter. You need to always be as specific as possible. You might be able to get away with some of it here, though, because you explain the details in a moment.

Accepting she was adopted at birth and lied to ever since is difficult, but believing she’s related to mythological creatures and destined to become one of them? Yeah, right. This clears up half of the vagueness in the previous sentence, but it would be better if you could clarify who this uninvited guest is, and how he or she knows, and reveals, this information.

But one’s true nature cannot be denied. This is slightly cliche. Not too bad, though.

Forced to forget her life as a mortal, Lilith goes to live with her father is he the guest? Did she know him before this? on his farm where she is indoctrinated into the ways of the Vrykólakas, I looked this up, and it's basically a Greek vampire, which sounds pretty cool. an ancient race hidden from modern human society. It’s far from easy adjusting to life as a tame, blood-drinking immortal, tame AND blood-drinking? That sounds like an odd but interesting contradiction. especially with off-limits Devon Green is this the name of a character, or a park in London? providing constant temptation only a field away. However, denying her desire for Devon is as impossible as ignoring the haunting memories of her former life. Her former life as a suburban girl? Or does she have memories of another life, even before that one? Add learning she has a key role to play in the ongoing war for Heaven and has to learn to fight enemies she’s never heard of including demons whose bite means eternal death. Dividing these sentences here makes them fragments. It's okay to break grammar rules on purpose in a query for effect, but I don't think it works here. And top it off with the risk of capture by Lucifer, the Lord of Chaos, if she ever leaves the protected confines of her family’s farm, and eternity is looking bleak.

You've got some fascinating elements here, and the stakes clearly seem to be raised to the utmost, with not just death, but eternal death awaiting Lilith. However, the main conflict of your plot gets confused near the end here. You mention the war for Heaven, and Lilith's role in it, but then it seems from your final sentence in this paragraph, that Lilith is choosing not to enter this war, and rather remain safe at her family farm. When I think about it, it seems likely that she has some kind of internal struggle over this for a while, and eventually decides to leave this haven and join the fight. If that's the case, you need to make it clearer. If it's not, and something else takes place, well, then you need to make that clear.

Lilith’s unwillingness to embrace her destiny without first finding closure for the past leads her to follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul. I suppose this bit does clarify her decision to leave, but it gets muddied up a bit by the vague mention of her past again. The only past we know of from this query is the one of a normal suburban girl. If there is something more substantial than that, like previous lives as an immortal or something, you need to be specific.

TÉLOS is a 115,000 word work of clean, you don't need this. YA is generally not clean, because teenagers tend to swear, and have sex, or at the very least, want sex, badly. Adult thoughts and urges tend to be particularly present in the Urban Fantasy sub-genre. If you've written a story that does not contain those elements, that's fine, but you don't need to point it out in a query. Besides, your editor very well may tell you to tone up or down the level of clean or not clean, in the long run. YA Urban Fantasy, and this is my first novel. There's no need to mention this. By not having any publications in your bio, and agent can infer you've never been published. Mentioning this being your first novel is just a strike against you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

In summary: you start out pretty strong, setting up an interesting dynamic of normalcy into sudden surprising paranormal elements. You weave backstory seamlessly into your hook, which is well done, and with only one or two more words about Lilith's character, I think you'd have a great opening.

The problem is when things begin to get vague. A mysterious stranger. A trip to her father's farm, when it's unknown whether she is familiar with this place, or her father. Mention of some former life, which I suspect is not the life of a suburban teenager. A war for Heaven, deadly demons, Lucifer ... none of which become clear exactly how they relate to the conflict Lilith must overcome.

I like the mention of a difficult choice she must make whether or not to leave the farm, but I can't tell exactly how long she stays before deciding to enter this war. I get the feeling she may not leave until the last third of the book. That's fine, but try to make it clearer in your query.

That's it.

What do you all think?

NOTE: It's my turn as an A to Z challenge co-host, to post an introduction over at the A to Z challenge blog. So if you'd like to get to know me better, please go read that post.