Before we get started I just want to say thanks to Justine for being the first person to ever reach out to me in the forums. She was the first person to ever critique my query way back when and it's been a pleasure to be her friend ever since and watch her skill at crafting queries grow immensely.
In fact I think this query here, that we're looking at this week, is an excellent example. The query is already very good, and along with an awesome premise and some great writing would probably earn her several requests. But we're here today to try to make it the very best it can be, so I'll try to nit-pick it apart a little.
Here goes:
Twelve-year-old Kelly Moore is determined to do something someone her age has never done before: win a National Barrel Racing Championship. All she has to do is win the State Finals and she’ll be on her way. When her beloved horse, Rocket, and seven other horses are stolen right after she competes at the finals, Kelly freaks.
This opening paragraph is really good. I do think there are a couple of things missing though. I think the second half of your first sentence makes for a strong hook. What would make it even better is just a little more of Kelly's character, and maybe a teeny bit of backstory. Is she a good kid? Straight A student? A loner? Is her family life happy? Mom and dad divorced? I think from the info you give that we can probably infer that this a good girl from a decent home, but it would be great to know a little more about her ASAP.
Otherwise your setup of the conflict and the stakes is excellent. Well done.
Kelly’s biggest fear is that her horse is on its way to the slaughterhouse. She hangs missing horse flyers everywhere and questions everyone. No luck. When she accuses a barn manager of theft and breaks in to his office in an attempt to prove his guilt, Kelly’s gets a dose of parental retribution. But she won’t give up.
This is also good. You're expanding on the conflict and the players without going overboard. One thing I think you should consider here is injecting a little more voice. Kelly may be a good kid but she might refer to being "freaked" about her poor house and the slaughterhouse, and she might have a flashy adjective for the barn manager. Is he "nasty", "smelly", "mean old"? I know those are all kind of lame, but I bet you can come up with something better. Ask Em!
Kelly’s nemesis, Missy, had her horse stolen too. And Missy’s bound and determined to not let Kelly leave her out of the chase. Kelly finally catches a hot lead and does the unthinkable: hides in the horse thief’s trailer with Missy at her side. They find the horses but get caught by the bad guys in the process. No one’s future is looking bright when a fire engulfs the barn they’re in.
Just a couple things here. I actually think this is pretty darn good too. I like how the stakes get raised here and how the old nemesis gets involved but I got a little confused when you jumped from hiding out in the trailer to getting caught inside a burning barn. Obviously it makes perfect sense in the story, but it felt too quick for me in the query. You might be able to leave the burning barn out, after all you don't want to give away everything. Or you can keep it in. This query is certainly short enough to leave you room, maybe just transition into that climax a little differently if you keep it.
Kelly must put her dislike of Missy aside while they work together. If she doesn’t, the girls won’t be able to save themselves—or their beloved horses—before it’s too late for them all.
I actually love this. This is one of the best summarys, clarifying the choice that Kelly must make, that I've seen in a while. I would keep this.
LOST AND FOUND, a middle grade novel, is complete at 31,000 words.
Obviously you've got more room for housekeeping and personalization if needed, but this critique is about the meat anyway.
So. Well done Justine! It's so cool to see how far your query skills have come. I wish you the best of luck in submitting this fun little tale.
What do you guys think? Any suggestions for adding more character to her hook and making that first sentence pitch pop a little more?
Showing posts with label Queries/Revisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Queries/Revisions. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Katie Mills FOSSEGRIM Query Critique
Today I just want to get right into it. You all remember what's up right? Here is Katie's query with my thoughts.
Dear (specified agent)
I've talked about this before but I do think you make the right choice here, getting right to the story. Unless an agent specifically states that they want to see the housekeeping or the personalization first, just get down to business, STAT.
Seventeen year old Sage Reynolds realized long ago that wishing for a different life is a pretty fruitless venture. This starts out pretty well, but then fizzes out. Cool age, awesome name ... both tell us a lot because we already know what main genre this is going to be (YA) and that the character will probably stand out, but I would like to see more in this first sentence. This sentence is more important than almost any other one. What kind of guy is Sage before he gets the tail? Jock? Band Geek? Bad boy? And why is he wishing for a different life? The way it is written now is too vague. But that doesn’t stop him from wishing anyway, one summer’s eve, on the beaches of Misquamicut, Rhode Island. You've got to clear this up for yesterday's readers. I told people that I thought you told me once that you were from Connecticut before you moved to France, but I can't remember for sure if that is even true. It might have been momentary insanity, or the fact that his foster parents were finally sending him away. In any case, Sage thought the threat of military school was the worst of his problems.
I see that you do touch on the reasons for his wishing here in this paragraph, and I should clarify that it doesn't HAVE to be in the first sentence that this is explained, but if you can find a way to convey it very briefly it will make that hook really pop! Also, this is a good start here with these last two concepts, the foster parents, the threat of military school, but the way they are written here makes it feel like they're just being thrown out there for good measure. Let's see if our reader's can help you convey all the ideas from this first paragraph into once succinct pitch/hook that knocks the reader on their ass and shoves the need to read your pages down their throat.
But that was before he woke up on the bottom of the ocean with a freaking fish tail.
This rocks harder than an ancient barnacle. You don't really need the "but" but it works either way. This is excellent voice, and when this query earns requests it is probably going to be because of this line.
In this 70,000 word YA fantasy, Sage deals with the realities of being ‘Fossegrim’- I had to look this up. Apparently you did not make this creature up. I love the sound of it, for some reason it reminds me of Jotun and Norse mythology. including the discovery of a whole other race living off an enchanted island in the North Sea. The problem though is that this feels like too much telling. Telling is not altogether taboo in queries, but it can get you into trouble. For example right here I'm wondering whether the other race is the same thing as the Fossegrim, and are the Fossgrim essentially just mermen or not? Truth is, Sage never asked to sprout a man-tail hilarious and shoot through the waves like a Disney character on roids. Awesome. He’d do anything to get his old imperfect life back. His one chance at becoming human again lies with a Fossegrim who threw the changing stone down on human land seventy years ago so that she could stay with the man she loved. If Sage can find her and convince her to go back to the ocean, he can reclaim his humanity. Here are the beginnings of a great conflict and choice setup, but this is too confusing and too vague. First of all you need to clarify that Fossgrim are all the same kind of creatures, and that that is the name of the race, not of a character, because right now it's not completely clear. Second this part about the female one throwing down the stone and it somehow being the key to Sage becoming human again sounds awesome, after you re-read it a couple of times to make sure you understand it. You should try to re-word this so that it both sounds more exciting (high stakes) and makes more sense. Readers, can you help with some suggestions?
But his homecoming proves dangerous. Being Fossegrim has made him an enemy to those he was once closest to and, to top it all off, he returns home to find a warrant out for his arrest. Despite Sage’s desire to be human again, his choice between regaining the life he’s lost or protecting the world he’s found won’t be as easy as he once thought. I'm not sure you need this. The main problem as I see it in your query is the lack of specificty. I do like the warrant and how that raises the stakes but it kind of comes out of left field. That doesn't have to be entirely a bad thing but right now I'm left wondering what the plot is, and which part is the main conflict. And who are these enemies?
I began writing my own books and stories at age fifteen and FOSSEGRIM is my third completed manuscript. I also write articles about publishing, the craft of writing, and the querying process which are featured on my blog: http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com/. I am twenty eight years old; a married mother of three, and have been residing in France for the last six years. This is debatable. Really the only thing that actually matters is your story, but certain agents may like this kind of thing. Others will hate it though, so be sure to research what kind of mini-bio agents are looking for.
Listing the blog is good, but you should try to make it display properly. The HTML code for displaying a link without showing the whole URL is like this: [a href="http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com"]Creepy Query Girl[/a]. Just replace the [ and ] with a <> (I had to write it that way to get it to display). The problem here is that different email carriers will format things differently, so you may just want to use the plain text URL.
Thank you very much for your time. If you feel that this project holds promise, I will send the added material accordingly.
Sincerely,
CQG.
So that's it. Please try to help us out here. Any feedback at all is much appreciated but I would especially love if anyone can help suggest a better and more concise hook for Katie, as well as a re-write about the changing stone main conflict bit. Ideas?
Dear (specified agent)
I've talked about this before but I do think you make the right choice here, getting right to the story. Unless an agent specifically states that they want to see the housekeeping or the personalization first, just get down to business, STAT.
Seventeen year old Sage Reynolds realized long ago that wishing for a different life is a pretty fruitless venture. This starts out pretty well, but then fizzes out. Cool age, awesome name ... both tell us a lot because we already know what main genre this is going to be (YA) and that the character will probably stand out, but I would like to see more in this first sentence. This sentence is more important than almost any other one. What kind of guy is Sage before he gets the tail? Jock? Band Geek? Bad boy? And why is he wishing for a different life? The way it is written now is too vague. But that doesn’t stop him from wishing anyway, one summer’s eve, on the beaches of Misquamicut, Rhode Island. You've got to clear this up for yesterday's readers. I told people that I thought you told me once that you were from Connecticut before you moved to France, but I can't remember for sure if that is even true. It might have been momentary insanity, or the fact that his foster parents were finally sending him away. In any case, Sage thought the threat of military school was the worst of his problems.
I see that you do touch on the reasons for his wishing here in this paragraph, and I should clarify that it doesn't HAVE to be in the first sentence that this is explained, but if you can find a way to convey it very briefly it will make that hook really pop! Also, this is a good start here with these last two concepts, the foster parents, the threat of military school, but the way they are written here makes it feel like they're just being thrown out there for good measure. Let's see if our reader's can help you convey all the ideas from this first paragraph into once succinct pitch/hook that knocks the reader on their ass and shoves the need to read your pages down their throat.
But that was before he woke up on the bottom of the ocean with a freaking fish tail.
This rocks harder than an ancient barnacle. You don't really need the "but" but it works either way. This is excellent voice, and when this query earns requests it is probably going to be because of this line.
In this 70,000 word YA fantasy, Sage deals with the realities of being ‘Fossegrim’- I had to look this up. Apparently you did not make this creature up. I love the sound of it, for some reason it reminds me of Jotun and Norse mythology. including the discovery of a whole other race living off an enchanted island in the North Sea. The problem though is that this feels like too much telling. Telling is not altogether taboo in queries, but it can get you into trouble. For example right here I'm wondering whether the other race is the same thing as the Fossegrim, and are the Fossgrim essentially just mermen or not? Truth is, Sage never asked to sprout a man-tail hilarious and shoot through the waves like a Disney character on roids. Awesome. He’d do anything to get his old imperfect life back. His one chance at becoming human again lies with a Fossegrim who threw the changing stone down on human land seventy years ago so that she could stay with the man she loved. If Sage can find her and convince her to go back to the ocean, he can reclaim his humanity. Here are the beginnings of a great conflict and choice setup, but this is too confusing and too vague. First of all you need to clarify that Fossgrim are all the same kind of creatures, and that that is the name of the race, not of a character, because right now it's not completely clear. Second this part about the female one throwing down the stone and it somehow being the key to Sage becoming human again sounds awesome, after you re-read it a couple of times to make sure you understand it. You should try to re-word this so that it both sounds more exciting (high stakes) and makes more sense. Readers, can you help with some suggestions?
But his homecoming proves dangerous. Being Fossegrim has made him an enemy to those he was once closest to and, to top it all off, he returns home to find a warrant out for his arrest. Despite Sage’s desire to be human again, his choice between regaining the life he’s lost or protecting the world he’s found won’t be as easy as he once thought. I'm not sure you need this. The main problem as I see it in your query is the lack of specificty. I do like the warrant and how that raises the stakes but it kind of comes out of left field. That doesn't have to be entirely a bad thing but right now I'm left wondering what the plot is, and which part is the main conflict. And who are these enemies?
I began writing my own books and stories at age fifteen and FOSSEGRIM is my third completed manuscript. I also write articles about publishing, the craft of writing, and the querying process which are featured on my blog: http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com/. I am twenty eight years old; a married mother of three, and have been residing in France for the last six years. This is debatable. Really the only thing that actually matters is your story, but certain agents may like this kind of thing. Others will hate it though, so be sure to research what kind of mini-bio agents are looking for.
Listing the blog is good, but you should try to make it display properly. The HTML code for displaying a link without showing the whole URL is like this: [a href="http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com"]Creepy Query Girl[/a]. Just replace the [ and ] with a <> (I had to write it that way to get it to display). The problem here is that different email carriers will format things differently, so you may just want to use the plain text URL.
Thank you very much for your time. If you feel that this project holds promise, I will send the added material accordingly.
Sincerely,
CQG.
So that's it. Please try to help us out here. Any feedback at all is much appreciated but I would especially love if anyone can help suggest a better and more concise hook for Katie, as well as a re-write about the changing stone main conflict bit. Ideas?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Katie Mills FOSSEGRIM Query
Today, tomorrow and Thursday we're going to be focusing on Creepy Query Girl AKA Katie Mill's query for her current WIP FOSSEGRIM. Katie is one of my best and oldest (in how long I've known her, not her age) blogging buds and she is one of the sweetest people you could ever meet, so be nice!
Kidding, of course you'll be nice, but also make sure to visit her blog and become a follower if you aren't already.
We're going to work this almost like we did for Katherine Camp and Emily White, except I already have Christina Lee's successful query guest post lined up for Friday so Katie will only be involved three days this week.
Today is just going to be her query as it currently stands. She knows it needs a little work, that's why she's here and why she asked me to take a look at it, but as before, please refrain from giving feedback until tomorrow. I don't want any of you taking all my glory before I've had my say and given her the most incredible feedback she has ever even dreamed of.
I'm kidding, of course ... again, but seriously, please save your feedback/critique of this query until tomorrow. Until then, the query:
Dear (specified agent)
Seventeen year old Sage Reynolds realized long ago that wishing for a different life is a pretty fruitless venture. But that doesn’t stop him from wishing anyway, one summer’s eve, on the beaches of Misquamicut, Rhode Island. It might have been momentary insanity, or the fact that his foster parents were finally sending him away. In any case, Sage thought the threat of military school was the worst of his problems.
But that was before he woke up on the bottom of the ocean with a freaking fish tail.
In this 70,000 word YA fantasy, Sage deals with the realities of being ‘Fossegrim’- including the discovery of a whole other race living off an enchanted island in the North Sea. Truth is, Sage never asked to sprout a man-tail and shoot through the waves like a Disney character on roids. He’d do anything to get his old imperfect life back. His one chance at becoming human again lies with a Fossegrim who threw the changing stone down on human land seventy years ago so that she could stay with the man she loved. If Sage can find her and convince her to go back to the ocean, he can reclaim his humanity.
But his homecoming proves dangerous. Being Fossegrim has made him an enemy to those he was once closest to and, to top it all off, he returns home to find a warrant out for his arrest. Despite Sage’s desire to be human again, his choice between regaining the life he’s lost or protecting the world he’s found won’t be as easy as he once thought.
I began writing my own books and stories at age fifteen and FOSSEGRIM is my third completed manuscript. I also write articles about publishing, the craft of writing, and the querying process which are featured on my blog: http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com/. I am twenty eight years old; a married mother of three, and have been residing in France for the last six years.
Thank you very much for your time. If you feel that this project holds promise, I will send the added material accordingly.
Sincerely,
CQG.
So that's it for today. Don't forget to hit up Katie's blog and throw your face down into her follower widget thingy, or whatever avatar you have, and feel free to say hello for now!
Questions and comments are also fine, just save your feedback for tomorrow, please.
Kidding, of course you'll be nice, but also make sure to visit her blog and become a follower if you aren't already.
We're going to work this almost like we did for Katherine Camp and Emily White, except I already have Christina Lee's successful query guest post lined up for Friday so Katie will only be involved three days this week.
Today is just going to be her query as it currently stands. She knows it needs a little work, that's why she's here and why she asked me to take a look at it, but as before, please refrain from giving feedback until tomorrow. I don't want any of you taking all my glory before I've had my say and given her the most incredible feedback she has ever even dreamed of.
I'm kidding, of course ... again, but seriously, please save your feedback/critique of this query until tomorrow. Until then, the query:
Dear (specified agent)
Seventeen year old Sage Reynolds realized long ago that wishing for a different life is a pretty fruitless venture. But that doesn’t stop him from wishing anyway, one summer’s eve, on the beaches of Misquamicut, Rhode Island. It might have been momentary insanity, or the fact that his foster parents were finally sending him away. In any case, Sage thought the threat of military school was the worst of his problems.
But that was before he woke up on the bottom of the ocean with a freaking fish tail.
In this 70,000 word YA fantasy, Sage deals with the realities of being ‘Fossegrim’- including the discovery of a whole other race living off an enchanted island in the North Sea. Truth is, Sage never asked to sprout a man-tail and shoot through the waves like a Disney character on roids. He’d do anything to get his old imperfect life back. His one chance at becoming human again lies with a Fossegrim who threw the changing stone down on human land seventy years ago so that she could stay with the man she loved. If Sage can find her and convince her to go back to the ocean, he can reclaim his humanity.
But his homecoming proves dangerous. Being Fossegrim has made him an enemy to those he was once closest to and, to top it all off, he returns home to find a warrant out for his arrest. Despite Sage’s desire to be human again, his choice between regaining the life he’s lost or protecting the world he’s found won’t be as easy as he once thought.
I began writing my own books and stories at age fifteen and FOSSEGRIM is my third completed manuscript. I also write articles about publishing, the craft of writing, and the querying process which are featured on my blog: http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com/. I am twenty eight years old; a married mother of three, and have been residing in France for the last six years.
Thank you very much for your time. If you feel that this project holds promise, I will send the added material accordingly.
Sincerely,
CQG.
So that's it for today. Don't forget to hit up Katie's blog and throw your face down into her follower widget thingy, or whatever avatar you have, and feel free to say hello for now!
Questions and comments are also fine, just save your feedback for tomorrow, please.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Emily White's Query Critique
Today is Emily's query again, but I will add my thoughts and ask you all to do the same. Let's get right into it.
Dear Super Agent:
(Personal stuff)
You all probably know my feelings about this by now. Personalization is good, especially if you can show that you have really researched an agent, but my OPINION is that you should jump right into your story, and cover that other stuff after.
Ella didn’t think her problems were going to get worse after escaping an interstellar prison ship, and she certainly didn’t think she’d be expected to save the galaxy.
This sets up setting and stakes/conflict pretty well, but for your opening hook to really zing I think you need more idea of character. Even adding an occupation and age before Ella's name might be enough. Especially if this is YA or NA. If Ella is older it's not as important.
For example I call my MC a reluctant juvenile delinquent in my query. True, that's not actually an occupation but it tells us loads about his character in three quick words: he gets in trouble a lot, but he doesn't mean to. You obviously don't have to do that, but I do think it's important to give some idea of why a reader should care about your character, even before you get to plot and setting, even if you have to call her a kick ass wheel chair wielding elemementomancer.
Her feet barely touch solid ground before the prison ship guards notice Ella’s missing and chase her all the way into the middle of a giant bug infested desert—giant bugs who just happen to have a taste for meat. Watch your tense. With sharp-edged pincers ripping away at her flesh, an ability Ella never knew she had is awakened. Anybody order crispy critters? With fire now at her tenuous disposal, Ella hops aboard a freighter on its way to a planet well outside her captors’ territory.
This paragraph is mostly good. You have several phrases that are dripping with awesome voice - which is great, but I'm also confused by your opening and when she discovers her powers. The opening I don't get because although I know from previous versions Ella is somewhat crippled at first (right?), this comes at us out of nowhere in this version, and leaves the reader wondering what you mean about her feet touching the ground. The part about gaining her powers isn't so bad, but I would like to hear how they were awakened a little more.
Making friends is something she hoped she’d do, but these friends have some bad news: she’s part of some alien race everyone thought was a myth. And more specifically, she’s destined to fight a fallen angel with a god complex, or die trying.
This paragraph is similar, it ends quite strong, with great voice, wit, and sense of stakes regarding the main conflict in your plot, but I'm left wondering which friends you mean. Are you talking about the people on the freighter she escapes in? If so just a teeny bit more about them might help. We don't need names, just what kind of people are they?
Problem is, years of solitary confinement didn’t really prepare Ella for fighting—or walking—or any semblance of balance on two feet for that matter. Honestly, she doesn’t even know if she wants to fight him. In a perfect world, Ella would be left alone. But here’s the thing: this god’s not exactly sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind. If Ella doesn’t hurry up and decide what’s really important—a life with her friends or a galaxy where living is actually possible—she won’t be the only one to end up dead.
This is great, it conveys an excellent sense of character, but ... that stuff needs to come first. There are no hard fast rules when it comes to queries, but giving the reader a reason to care about your character ASAP is pretty important. This part about her legs, and about her reluctance to fight is awesome, well written, concise, and very informative, but you need to work it in much earlier.
ELEMENTAL, a 65,000 word YA Science Fiction set in a galaxy in desperate need of change, is rife with teleporting fairies, interstellar battleships, and things that go boom.
This is pure gold, assuming your novel is as funny as most of this query. That is all.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily White
I realize this is general, somewhat vague advice, and it often helps to have more specific examples of how to change things, but I'm hoping to get to that through people's comments and perhaps via email between us later today or this week.
So, that being said, does anyone have any specific examples they could give Emily of how to re-write a particular part of her query? I think a new hook with more characterization tossed in would be especially helpful.
Otherwise feel free to leave your thoughts or questions in the comments, and as always, thanks for visiting!
Dear Super Agent:
(Personal stuff)
You all probably know my feelings about this by now. Personalization is good, especially if you can show that you have really researched an agent, but my OPINION is that you should jump right into your story, and cover that other stuff after.
Ella didn’t think her problems were going to get worse after escaping an interstellar prison ship, and she certainly didn’t think she’d be expected to save the galaxy.
This sets up setting and stakes/conflict pretty well, but for your opening hook to really zing I think you need more idea of character. Even adding an occupation and age before Ella's name might be enough. Especially if this is YA or NA. If Ella is older it's not as important.
For example I call my MC a reluctant juvenile delinquent in my query. True, that's not actually an occupation but it tells us loads about his character in three quick words: he gets in trouble a lot, but he doesn't mean to. You obviously don't have to do that, but I do think it's important to give some idea of why a reader should care about your character, even before you get to plot and setting, even if you have to call her a kick ass wheel chair wielding elemementomancer.
Her feet barely touch solid ground before the prison ship guards notice Ella’s missing and chase her all the way into the middle of a giant bug infested desert—giant bugs who just happen to have a taste for meat. Watch your tense. With sharp-edged pincers ripping away at her flesh, an ability Ella never knew she had is awakened. Anybody order crispy critters? With fire now at her tenuous disposal, Ella hops aboard a freighter on its way to a planet well outside her captors’ territory.
This paragraph is mostly good. You have several phrases that are dripping with awesome voice - which is great, but I'm also confused by your opening and when she discovers her powers. The opening I don't get because although I know from previous versions Ella is somewhat crippled at first (right?), this comes at us out of nowhere in this version, and leaves the reader wondering what you mean about her feet touching the ground. The part about gaining her powers isn't so bad, but I would like to hear how they were awakened a little more.
Making friends is something she hoped she’d do, but these friends have some bad news: she’s part of some alien race everyone thought was a myth. And more specifically, she’s destined to fight a fallen angel with a god complex, or die trying.
This paragraph is similar, it ends quite strong, with great voice, wit, and sense of stakes regarding the main conflict in your plot, but I'm left wondering which friends you mean. Are you talking about the people on the freighter she escapes in? If so just a teeny bit more about them might help. We don't need names, just what kind of people are they?
Problem is, years of solitary confinement didn’t really prepare Ella for fighting—or walking—or any semblance of balance on two feet for that matter. Honestly, she doesn’t even know if she wants to fight him. In a perfect world, Ella would be left alone. But here’s the thing: this god’s not exactly sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind. If Ella doesn’t hurry up and decide what’s really important—a life with her friends or a galaxy where living is actually possible—she won’t be the only one to end up dead.
This is great, it conveys an excellent sense of character, but ... that stuff needs to come first. There are no hard fast rules when it comes to queries, but giving the reader a reason to care about your character ASAP is pretty important. This part about her legs, and about her reluctance to fight is awesome, well written, concise, and very informative, but you need to work it in much earlier.
ELEMENTAL, a 65,000 word YA Science Fiction set in a galaxy in desperate need of change, is rife with teleporting fairies, interstellar battleships, and things that go boom.
This is pure gold, assuming your novel is as funny as most of this query. That is all.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Emily White
I realize this is general, somewhat vague advice, and it often helps to have more specific examples of how to change things, but I'm hoping to get to that through people's comments and perhaps via email between us later today or this week.
So, that being said, does anyone have any specific examples they could give Emily of how to re-write a particular part of her query? I think a new hook with more characterization tossed in would be especially helpful.
Otherwise feel free to leave your thoughts or questions in the comments, and as always, thanks for visiting!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Katherine Camp's New Query
Katherine is going to share a re-written version of her query with us today, but first I have a couple of selfish announcements to make:
1) I'm going to be out of town this weekend and half of next week. I'm going to Minnesota to celebrate Kelly's Grandmother's 80th birthday. We're both huge Vikings fans so I'm a little upset that it will still be pre-season, but oh well. I really wish I could stay longer or that I wouldn't be so busy while I'm there because I have two writer blogger buds (you know who you are Falen and Palindrome) who I would really love to meet someday. There just won't be time this trip unfortunately.
2) I shared another of my flash fiction pieces with Bryan Russell (Ink) the other day and he liked it well enough that he is posting it on his blog today. Bryan is my writing mentor as well as being the moderator for the illustrious forums on Nathan Bransford's blog, so it is truly an honor to have my writing posted on his blog, The Alchemy of Writing. It never gets as much traffic as it deserves though, so please stop by, follow and comment. You can read my new piece: Babysat by the Man in the Moon, and for newer followers you should also please check out the older one: The Deafening Silence. If you have the time you can read all the short stories here. I suggest you do so.
3) Wow. Man, that's a lot of links.
4) Elana Johnson took the time to comment on my blog 7 times yesterday. That's how badly she wants to help other writers. Is there a more awesome being in the universe? No.
Now to Katherine's re-written query. Katherine has been very busy this week and she may not have time to come by to comment today, but she has been reading your comments and asked me to thank you all profusely on her behalf. She had plans last night and was unable to take part in the intensive rewrite session that I suggested, but she has changed her query to this current version based on our advice. This is not necessarily a final version as she has not had time to mull things over for very long as it stands.
So here it is:
Seventeen-year-old guttersnipe Briand Varryda can control dragons with her mind. She’s a dragon talker, an ancient role from a time before electricity, steamships, and airships. But Briand doesn’t exactly want this “gift,” because it brings her nothing but trouble. It’s the reason both the Tyrant Prince and his rival, the leader of the Monarchists, are hunting for her. It’s the reason a band of Monarchists kidnaps her. A war is coming, and the Monarchists know they cannot hope to defeat the Prince’s airships and technology without the help of old magic from the far north—dragons.
And for dragons, they need Briand.
She’s not even close to the blue-blood aristocrat the dragonsayer was supposed to be—not to mention she’s female. Her kidnappers don’t like her, and she doesn’t like them. She’d rather knife them all than help them. But the Monarchists weren’t exactly asking.
But when someone in their company betrays them during their journey to the find the dragons, Briand and the survivors must flee to a place called the Stronghold to avoid being captured by the Prince’s elite Seekers. With the Seekers gaining on the group, and a traitor in their midst, Briand has to learn how to handle her gift and call up a dragon before they’re all killed.
DRAGONSAYER is 70,000 word YA fantasy novel. It contains elements of historical fantasy as well as elements of steampunk, blending dragons, castles, and swords with guns, clocks, and airships.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Katherine Camp
This is so much better. You're so close with this Katherine. I don't think it's quite done, and I especially think you need a slightly more colorful hook, and a shorter first paragraph, but this is already a good improvement. Since you were getting some requests with your original query I'm guessing that this one is going to start working even better right away. As I've mentioned before I think the strength of your premise can almost sell itself.
What do you guys think? Better right? Is there anything that still glaringly needs to be changed? I don't think so. I think there are only subtle updates left at this point.
Please keep the comments here about Katherine's query. I really really really want you to read my flash fiction and comment and let me know what you think, but please do that at Bryan's blog. I promise I will be stalking it and reading every one of your thoughts.
Thank you so much everyone for all your help yesterday. That was an amazing example of what this community is all about.
Don't forget to come back tomorrow for Katherine's interview.
1) I'm going to be out of town this weekend and half of next week. I'm going to Minnesota to celebrate Kelly's Grandmother's 80th birthday. We're both huge Vikings fans so I'm a little upset that it will still be pre-season, but oh well. I really wish I could stay longer or that I wouldn't be so busy while I'm there because I have two writer blogger buds (you know who you are Falen and Palindrome) who I would really love to meet someday. There just won't be time this trip unfortunately.
2) I shared another of my flash fiction pieces with Bryan Russell (Ink) the other day and he liked it well enough that he is posting it on his blog today. Bryan is my writing mentor as well as being the moderator for the illustrious forums on Nathan Bransford's blog, so it is truly an honor to have my writing posted on his blog, The Alchemy of Writing. It never gets as much traffic as it deserves though, so please stop by, follow and comment. You can read my new piece: Babysat by the Man in the Moon, and for newer followers you should also please check out the older one: The Deafening Silence. If you have the time you can read all the short stories here. I suggest you do so.
3) Wow. Man, that's a lot of links.
4) Elana Johnson took the time to comment on my blog 7 times yesterday. That's how badly she wants to help other writers. Is there a more awesome being in the universe? No.
Now to Katherine's re-written query. Katherine has been very busy this week and she may not have time to come by to comment today, but she has been reading your comments and asked me to thank you all profusely on her behalf. She had plans last night and was unable to take part in the intensive rewrite session that I suggested, but she has changed her query to this current version based on our advice. This is not necessarily a final version as she has not had time to mull things over for very long as it stands.
So here it is:
Seventeen-year-old guttersnipe Briand Varryda can control dragons with her mind. She’s a dragon talker, an ancient role from a time before electricity, steamships, and airships. But Briand doesn’t exactly want this “gift,” because it brings her nothing but trouble. It’s the reason both the Tyrant Prince and his rival, the leader of the Monarchists, are hunting for her. It’s the reason a band of Monarchists kidnaps her. A war is coming, and the Monarchists know they cannot hope to defeat the Prince’s airships and technology without the help of old magic from the far north—dragons.
And for dragons, they need Briand.
She’s not even close to the blue-blood aristocrat the dragonsayer was supposed to be—not to mention she’s female. Her kidnappers don’t like her, and she doesn’t like them. She’d rather knife them all than help them. But the Monarchists weren’t exactly asking.
But when someone in their company betrays them during their journey to the find the dragons, Briand and the survivors must flee to a place called the Stronghold to avoid being captured by the Prince’s elite Seekers. With the Seekers gaining on the group, and a traitor in their midst, Briand has to learn how to handle her gift and call up a dragon before they’re all killed.
DRAGONSAYER is 70,000 word YA fantasy novel. It contains elements of historical fantasy as well as elements of steampunk, blending dragons, castles, and swords with guns, clocks, and airships.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Katherine Camp
This is so much better. You're so close with this Katherine. I don't think it's quite done, and I especially think you need a slightly more colorful hook, and a shorter first paragraph, but this is already a good improvement. Since you were getting some requests with your original query I'm guessing that this one is going to start working even better right away. As I've mentioned before I think the strength of your premise can almost sell itself.
What do you guys think? Better right? Is there anything that still glaringly needs to be changed? I don't think so. I think there are only subtle updates left at this point.
Please keep the comments here about Katherine's query. I really really really want you to read my flash fiction and comment and let me know what you think, but please do that at Bryan's blog. I promise I will be stalking it and reading every one of your thoughts.
Thank you so much everyone for all your help yesterday. That was an amazing example of what this community is all about.
Don't forget to come back tomorrow for Katherine's interview.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Current Query Part III
Here is the most current version:
15 Year old Lee Ruccio is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. The last thing he expected to find at reform school in the bitter wilderness of northern Idaho was magic. But after the death of his mother, and estrangement from his useless, high-society, drunk-whenever-he's-home father, Lee's guardians ship him off to Rocky Mountain Academy and that's exactly what he discovers.
Despite having to earn the right to attend classes after months of hard labor and being placed on restriction after getting caught alone in the woods with a female student, Rocky Mountain Academy redeems itself when Lee finally learns of the mysterious curriculum. The classes have names like "The Way of Unifying With Life Energy" and "The Eight Principles of Yong." In them Lee and his new friends (and enemies) study everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu.
Permission to kick ass is pretty awesome when you're fifteen and convinced it's you against the world.
Through these disciplines Lee and his fellow students learn to manipulate their Chi for things like healing, telekinesis and imbuing their weapons with rockin' powers. And it's a good thing Lee mostly stayed awake during class because the Master of the School is sending a team of students on a mission to investigate an abandoned silver mine. While underground, they are attacked by Earth Elementals, creatures of mud and rock with brute strength and cunning logic equal to a raging hippopatamus, and their new-found friendship and magical talents are put to the test.
Actually kicking ass is pretty critical when your life's in danger and it truly is you (and your friends) against the world.
Before reform school, Lee never in a million years thought he'd be battling subterranean monsters using Eastern mysticism. Then again, he never thought he'd make an actual friend, earn the praise of a teacher, or fall in love either.
As you can see the changes are subtle. I like to think of my query as a WIP. I don't know that it will ever be finished, at least not until I'm offered representation, because I'll have to tailor it to each agent anyway. So that being said I'm VERY open to questions and suggestions. If you have any please share them in the comments.
The one thing I wonder about is the comparison of the Earth Elementals to a hippo. D&D people know exactly what an Elemental is but others won't. The hippo comparison is supposed to be a joke because of course they ARE strong, but NOT really all that cunning, just like these creatures in my story. Do you think people will get it? Did YOU get it? Right now it's the biggest question I have.
I know this query in its current form is the best I've (with LiLa's help) ever written, but I also know it's still not the best I ever could.
15 Year old Lee Ruccio is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. The last thing he expected to find at reform school in the bitter wilderness of northern Idaho was magic. But after the death of his mother, and estrangement from his useless, high-society, drunk-whenever-he's-home father, Lee's guardians ship him off to Rocky Mountain Academy and that's exactly what he discovers.
Despite having to earn the right to attend classes after months of hard labor and being placed on restriction after getting caught alone in the woods with a female student, Rocky Mountain Academy redeems itself when Lee finally learns of the mysterious curriculum. The classes have names like "The Way of Unifying With Life Energy" and "The Eight Principles of Yong." In them Lee and his new friends (and enemies) study everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu.
Permission to kick ass is pretty awesome when you're fifteen and convinced it's you against the world.
Through these disciplines Lee and his fellow students learn to manipulate their Chi for things like healing, telekinesis and imbuing their weapons with rockin' powers. And it's a good thing Lee mostly stayed awake during class because the Master of the School is sending a team of students on a mission to investigate an abandoned silver mine. While underground, they are attacked by Earth Elementals, creatures of mud and rock with brute strength and cunning logic equal to a raging hippopatamus, and their new-found friendship and magical talents are put to the test.
Actually kicking ass is pretty critical when your life's in danger and it truly is you (and your friends) against the world.
Before reform school, Lee never in a million years thought he'd be battling subterranean monsters using Eastern mysticism. Then again, he never thought he'd make an actual friend, earn the praise of a teacher, or fall in love either.
As you can see the changes are subtle. I like to think of my query as a WIP. I don't know that it will ever be finished, at least not until I'm offered representation, because I'll have to tailor it to each agent anyway. So that being said I'm VERY open to questions and suggestions. If you have any please share them in the comments.
The one thing I wonder about is the comparison of the Earth Elementals to a hippo. D&D people know exactly what an Elemental is but others won't. The hippo comparison is supposed to be a joke because of course they ARE strong, but NOT really all that cunning, just like these creatures in my story. Do you think people will get it? Did YOU get it? Right now it's the biggest question I have.
I know this query in its current form is the best I've (with LiLa's help) ever written, but I also know it's still not the best I ever could.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
About My Query XXII
In Rachele Alipine's guest blog post tomorrow she mentions that her query received some revision advice from Kate Schafer Testerman and her readers at her Ask Daphne! About My Query blog. For those of you who don't know it's a service she holds on her blog that is a lot like the Query Shark, Evil Editor, or the Public Query Slushpile. Readers submit their query and get feedback from literary agent Kate Schafer Testerman and the readers of her blog.
Me and my query got a lot of assistance from this service as well a few months ago so I thought I would share some of it with you all. You can read the whole post here: About My Query XXII.
She always begins with a fun bit about shoes:
Happy Friday, readers! Ready to chime in with your thoughts and advice on another About My Query? Then let’s get going, with monk shoes for Matthew — did you know a “monk shoe” is a style of shoe with no lacing, closed by a buckle and strap? Men’s footwear is such a learning process for me! And speaking of learning processes…
Dear Daphne,
I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult fiction novel, which has the working title “Warrior-Monks” and is complete. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader as well. I also feel obligated to inform you that this is not an exclusive submission and although I do not yet have an offer of representation there are several other agents who have requested and are currently reading full or partial versions of the manuscript.
The book is about a teen aged boy named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle’s home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. The story does not begin to incorporate any magical realism until about halfway through, when the students begin to discover some magic of the everyday sort in the curriculum, which is based on east-Asian calligraphy and Buddhist/Hindu mysticism. It is an introspective and character driven novel in which the plot is not necessarily the focus but still has enough interesting occurrences to move the tale along as the reader comes to know and love the characters.
I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.
Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 555-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:
1234 Main St.
Hometown USA, 00000
Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Matthew
Her feedback:
There’s lots to work with here, Matthew, but I also think there’s a LOT you can cut. For instance, your first paragraph? Should read “I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, Warrior-Monks.” Slash and burn! First of all, of course you know how I feel about the phrase “fiction novel.” As for telling me your novel is complete — well, of course it is. There’s no reason you should be querying if it’s not. You certainly don’t need to tell any agent who would be interested in representing YA about the YA market, and saying it’s “compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader” shows a lack of interest n your preferred market. If you’re writing for YA, write for YA. It’s more than worthy enough.
A lot of this advice is similar to things I've pointed out before. Guess where I learned them first.
So, moving onto the second paragraph, I think you need to find a way to make the hook stand out. What’s your one-sentence description of the book? Start there, and expand on that. “Sent to reform school by his aunt and uncle, his last living relatives, Lee discovers a hidden mysticism in the curriculum, and XXXXX,” in which “XXXXX” represents what happens. Having fully-developed characters in your novel is a great thing, don’t get me wrong, but something has to HAPPEN. I absolutely would not say that “the plot is not necessarily the focus,” and I can’t imagine a YA audience falling in droves for a pure character study. How does Lee put his shy, self-conscious tendencies behind him? Does he become friends with the other students? Do they have to band together against something? Why was he kicked out of his previous school and sent to reform school anyway? What else can you tell me about the other characters?
All great points.
As for waiting until halfway through to bring some magic realism into the tale, I worry you’ll lose your audience long before that, if you promise them a mystical story and put off delivering. Think of some great books you’ve read, particularly in the genre you’re writing. Consider the famed five act story structure:
*exposition
* rising action
* climax (or turning point)
* falling action
* resolution
I think the introduction of magic certainly needs to happen in the second section, especially if it’s going to have an effect on the resolution. But that’s story structure, not query help.
She's right of course and I never should have put it that way in the query. The magical/fantasy elements are introduced pretty early in the novel, they just don't become part of any conflict until much later. I'm not sure why I struggled with laying that out so much in my early queries.
Back to the query — put your address and phone number below your signature line, with a link to your website or blog, if you have one, and don’t waste space in your letter with your contact information. If you really want to mention that your query is non-exclusive, put it here in the closing, although unless an agent specifically asks for exclusivity, most of us assume you’re querying widely.
I now know all of this as query basics 101, but you have to start somewhere and my jumping off point was buried deep in the quagmire of ignorance.
Readers — any other comments?
Some of the more astute comments from her readers:
Lydia Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I would definitely cut the line about how Christopher Paolini has proved that you don’t have to be an experienced first novelist to write a first novel. I don’t think any agent reading this is going to smack herself in the forehead and say, “Oh my god, you’re right! You DON’T have to be published to be awesome.” So it just comes off as patronizing and desperate.
I was trying to follow that advice that's out there on the web about comparing your project to one that is similar and was successful, but I went about it all wrong. And as I've pointed out before, this kind of thing is insulting.
Jamie Harrington Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
For some reason this comes off as a little egotistical. The whole “lots of other agents have this, so you better get on it if you want your shot at repping me” sentence, and then the whole you don’t have to be experienced to write a first novel thing…
No one needs to know it’s your first. Just leave that part out. In fact, I’d leave pretty much everything out EXCEPT the story. (I’m guilty of short query-itis though) If you don’t have any credits, etc. to your name-then there’s no reason to call attention to it.
Good Luck!
I don't know about this. The part about the query not being exclusive was meant to be polite, but I can see how it might have come across that way. Either way it's not necessary.
Karen Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I agree with everyone here. That first paragraph should go almost entirely. The only thing that should be in there is the title, WORD COUNT, genre and the hook if you have it. The rest of it should go.
I feel like the second paragraph is more like a conversation instead of a summary. You want it to read like the blurb on the back of a book cover and you’ve never picked up a book and read, “This book is about a teenaged boy…” No, they are always something like, “Sent to reform school by his aunt and uncle, his last living relatives, Lee discovers a hidden mysticism in the curriculum…” as Daphne has pointed out.
And as others have said, never put in the query that you have never been published. The agent will know that by the lack of publishing credits in your bio paragraph.
From what I can dig out, you may have a decent story here, but you are really going to have to rework the query to make the story shine through.
Hope that helps!
Of course I skipped the word count in this submission because I didn't want the feedback to focus on that.
Krista G. Says:
September 26th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
I agree with Jamie Harrington that the tone comes off as a bit egotistical, and that immediately turned me off. Tone aside, though, I tend to shy away from statements that tell me how I’m going to feel about a book (i.e., “I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find…”). Let the writing speak for itself.
The second paragraph is pretty unwieldy, both in size and content. You might consider breaking it up into several smaller paragraphs so as to be easier on the eyes. As for the content, give us more specifics about Lee and his experiences, and tell us these specifics from Lee’s perspective. That will give your pitch more substance; as it is, we seem to be skimming over the surface of the story, not diving into it.
Your biographical paragraph is more lecture than biography. Agents already know that you don’t have to have any real credentials to write a novel; they sign debut novelists all the time. So just give them a few highlights about yourself, focusing on any professional experience you may have with the issues in your novel. Less is almost always more in a query.
Oh, and just one more small suggestion: Instead of encapsulating your title in quotation marks, try using all caps. Quotation marks are only appropriate to set off titles of smaller works, like articles, and italicization doesn’t always transfer well in e-mails.
True, true and ... true.
I then posted this comment with a revision:
Matthew Says:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:30 am
If anyone has time I would really love to hear your thoughts on this revision:
Dear Daphne,
I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR MONKS.
Fifteen year old Lee is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. He never means to get himself into trouble but trouble seems to have quite a knack for gathering him into its clutches nonetheless. All of that begins to change, however, when his cruel Aunt and Uncle, his last surviving relatives that the courts have assigned as his guardians and conservators ship him off to a unique reform school in the bitter wilderness of Northern Idaho. He is so terrified by the idea of the place that he runs away from home, but soon enough he ends up accepting the inevitable and eventually discovers magic and mystery in his strange and wonderful new home.
The school is meant for wayward teens with criminal or behavioral problems but it turns out to have a mystical twist on the standard curriculum. They teach Lee and his group of new found friends everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Yogic Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu. Bit by bit they learn to use these talents to harness the magical energy that the Chinese know as Chi. Once the students are proficient in their new found skills their teachers lead them out into the wilderness for a journey of self discovery. After achieving success (more for some than for others) they are forced to band together and defend themselves from a wild and mythical primal enemy.
I have never been published but I love to read and feel that fans of Christopher Paolini, Jonathan Stroud, Michael Scott and Tamora Pierce would enjoy this story as well.
Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
It's better of course, and this was one of the first versions of my query that actually fit with the format of what a good query should look like. It still wasn't great but it's evolved a lot since then and is still growing and changing as the novel gets edited.
There was really only one reply:
Jenny Says:
September 29th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Although the revision is much better than the original there are still a few things that could use some work. I like the idea of a reluctant juvenile delinquent. It drums up some sympathy for the character right away. But there is a disconnect between the first two sentences and the rest of the query that leaves me wondering what him getting into trouble has to do with the bulk of the story. How does he get in trouble, what happens to him that he doesn’t intend, how will this knack for finding trouble effect him later on, etc?
Be careful with your long sentences. Readers tend to get tripped up by them. Also, the line about trouble “gathering him into its clutches” sounds a bit cliche.
To me this story sounds a lot like Harry Potter … mysterious, magical school, cruel aunt and uncle, defending against an overwhelming enemy, and so on. How is your story fundamentally unique? Tell us in the query.
That was the first time I realized that about the similarity to Harry Potter. I was like s@#t! at the time. I never meant it to be so close and it is a little darker and more grown up but if you replace the wizardry with martial arts and east Asian mysticism the stories are really similar. I've since decided that's okay. I've read all the Harry Potter books and I figure I could do worse if my story has to get compared to something.
So this post became epically long, sorry about that. But hopefully it's a good warmup for Rachele's post tomorrow. MAKE SURE you all come back for that.
Me and my query got a lot of assistance from this service as well a few months ago so I thought I would share some of it with you all. You can read the whole post here: About My Query XXII.
She always begins with a fun bit about shoes:
Happy Friday, readers! Ready to chime in with your thoughts and advice on another About My Query? Then let’s get going, with monk shoes for Matthew — did you know a “monk shoe” is a style of shoe with no lacing, closed by a buckle and strap? Men’s footwear is such a learning process for me! And speaking of learning processes…
Dear Daphne,
I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult fiction novel, which has the working title “Warrior-Monks” and is complete. Warrior-Monks is intended for young adult readers ages 13-17, who are buying books in droves these days, but I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find that it is mature enough and compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader as well. I also feel obligated to inform you that this is not an exclusive submission and although I do not yet have an offer of representation there are several other agents who have requested and are currently reading full or partial versions of the manuscript.
The book is about a teen aged boy named Lee, who is from a broken family and who eventually ends up being sent to a unique reform school in Northern Idaho after he is expelled from a normal boarding school and kicked out of his aunt and uncle’s home. He is very worried about what will go on at this school but eventually discovers that he enjoys the curriculum. They teach him things like Aikido, Meditation and Calligraphy and take him and several other students camping and backpacking in the mountains in Montana as he grows and puts his self-conscious and shy tendencies behind him. The story does not begin to incorporate any magical realism until about halfway through, when the students begin to discover some magic of the everyday sort in the curriculum, which is based on east-Asian calligraphy and Buddhist/Hindu mysticism. It is an introspective and character driven novel in which the plot is not necessarily the focus but still has enough interesting occurrences to move the tale along as the reader comes to know and love the characters.
I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book.
Please feel free to reply to this email, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 555-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:
1234 Main St.
Hometown USA, 00000
Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Matthew
Her feedback:
There’s lots to work with here, Matthew, but I also think there’s a LOT you can cut. For instance, your first paragraph? Should read “I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, Warrior-Monks.” Slash and burn! First of all, of course you know how I feel about the phrase “fiction novel.” As for telling me your novel is complete — well, of course it is. There’s no reason you should be querying if it’s not. You certainly don’t need to tell any agent who would be interested in representing YA about the YA market, and saying it’s “compelling enough to enthrall even the most discerning adult reader” shows a lack of interest n your preferred market. If you’re writing for YA, write for YA. It’s more than worthy enough.
A lot of this advice is similar to things I've pointed out before. Guess where I learned them first.
So, moving onto the second paragraph, I think you need to find a way to make the hook stand out. What’s your one-sentence description of the book? Start there, and expand on that. “Sent to reform school by his aunt and uncle, his last living relatives, Lee discovers a hidden mysticism in the curriculum, and XXXXX,” in which “XXXXX” represents what happens. Having fully-developed characters in your novel is a great thing, don’t get me wrong, but something has to HAPPEN. I absolutely would not say that “the plot is not necessarily the focus,” and I can’t imagine a YA audience falling in droves for a pure character study. How does Lee put his shy, self-conscious tendencies behind him? Does he become friends with the other students? Do they have to band together against something? Why was he kicked out of his previous school and sent to reform school anyway? What else can you tell me about the other characters?
All great points.
As for waiting until halfway through to bring some magic realism into the tale, I worry you’ll lose your audience long before that, if you promise them a mystical story and put off delivering. Think of some great books you’ve read, particularly in the genre you’re writing. Consider the famed five act story structure:
*exposition
* rising action
* climax (or turning point)
* falling action
* resolution
I think the introduction of magic certainly needs to happen in the second section, especially if it’s going to have an effect on the resolution. But that’s story structure, not query help.
She's right of course and I never should have put it that way in the query. The magical/fantasy elements are introduced pretty early in the novel, they just don't become part of any conflict until much later. I'm not sure why I struggled with laying that out so much in my early queries.
Back to the query — put your address and phone number below your signature line, with a link to your website or blog, if you have one, and don’t waste space in your letter with your contact information. If you really want to mention that your query is non-exclusive, put it here in the closing, although unless an agent specifically asks for exclusivity, most of us assume you’re querying widely.
I now know all of this as query basics 101, but you have to start somewhere and my jumping off point was buried deep in the quagmire of ignorance.
Readers — any other comments?
Some of the more astute comments from her readers:
Lydia Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I would definitely cut the line about how Christopher Paolini has proved that you don’t have to be an experienced first novelist to write a first novel. I don’t think any agent reading this is going to smack herself in the forehead and say, “Oh my god, you’re right! You DON’T have to be published to be awesome.” So it just comes off as patronizing and desperate.
I was trying to follow that advice that's out there on the web about comparing your project to one that is similar and was successful, but I went about it all wrong. And as I've pointed out before, this kind of thing is insulting.
Jamie Harrington Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
For some reason this comes off as a little egotistical. The whole “lots of other agents have this, so you better get on it if you want your shot at repping me” sentence, and then the whole you don’t have to be experienced to write a first novel thing…
No one needs to know it’s your first. Just leave that part out. In fact, I’d leave pretty much everything out EXCEPT the story. (I’m guilty of short query-itis though) If you don’t have any credits, etc. to your name-then there’s no reason to call attention to it.
Good Luck!
I don't know about this. The part about the query not being exclusive was meant to be polite, but I can see how it might have come across that way. Either way it's not necessary.
Karen Says:
September 25th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I agree with everyone here. That first paragraph should go almost entirely. The only thing that should be in there is the title, WORD COUNT, genre and the hook if you have it. The rest of it should go.
I feel like the second paragraph is more like a conversation instead of a summary. You want it to read like the blurb on the back of a book cover and you’ve never picked up a book and read, “This book is about a teenaged boy…” No, they are always something like, “Sent to reform school by his aunt and uncle, his last living relatives, Lee discovers a hidden mysticism in the curriculum…” as Daphne has pointed out.
And as others have said, never put in the query that you have never been published. The agent will know that by the lack of publishing credits in your bio paragraph.
From what I can dig out, you may have a decent story here, but you are really going to have to rework the query to make the story shine through.
Hope that helps!
Of course I skipped the word count in this submission because I didn't want the feedback to focus on that.
Krista G. Says:
September 26th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
I agree with Jamie Harrington that the tone comes off as a bit egotistical, and that immediately turned me off. Tone aside, though, I tend to shy away from statements that tell me how I’m going to feel about a book (i.e., “I am certain that once you read the manuscript you will find…”). Let the writing speak for itself.
The second paragraph is pretty unwieldy, both in size and content. You might consider breaking it up into several smaller paragraphs so as to be easier on the eyes. As for the content, give us more specifics about Lee and his experiences, and tell us these specifics from Lee’s perspective. That will give your pitch more substance; as it is, we seem to be skimming over the surface of the story, not diving into it.
Your biographical paragraph is more lecture than biography. Agents already know that you don’t have to have any real credentials to write a novel; they sign debut novelists all the time. So just give them a few highlights about yourself, focusing on any professional experience you may have with the issues in your novel. Less is almost always more in a query.
Oh, and just one more small suggestion: Instead of encapsulating your title in quotation marks, try using all caps. Quotation marks are only appropriate to set off titles of smaller works, like articles, and italicization doesn’t always transfer well in e-mails.
True, true and ... true.
I then posted this comment with a revision:
Matthew Says:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:30 am
If anyone has time I would really love to hear your thoughts on this revision:
Dear Daphne,
I am writing to you seeking representation for my young adult novel, which has the working title WARRIOR MONKS.
Fifteen year old Lee is a reluctant juvenile delinquent. He never means to get himself into trouble but trouble seems to have quite a knack for gathering him into its clutches nonetheless. All of that begins to change, however, when his cruel Aunt and Uncle, his last surviving relatives that the courts have assigned as his guardians and conservators ship him off to a unique reform school in the bitter wilderness of Northern Idaho. He is so terrified by the idea of the place that he runs away from home, but soon enough he ends up accepting the inevitable and eventually discovers magic and mystery in his strange and wonderful new home.
The school is meant for wayward teens with criminal or behavioral problems but it turns out to have a mystical twist on the standard curriculum. They teach Lee and his group of new found friends everything from East Asian Calligraphy and Yogic Meditation to Aikido and Kenjutsu. Bit by bit they learn to use these talents to harness the magical energy that the Chinese know as Chi. Once the students are proficient in their new found skills their teachers lead them out into the wilderness for a journey of self discovery. After achieving success (more for some than for others) they are forced to band together and defend themselves from a wild and mythical primal enemy.
I have never been published but I love to read and feel that fans of Christopher Paolini, Jonathan Stroud, Michael Scott and Tamora Pierce would enjoy this story as well.
Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
It's better of course, and this was one of the first versions of my query that actually fit with the format of what a good query should look like. It still wasn't great but it's evolved a lot since then and is still growing and changing as the novel gets edited.
There was really only one reply:
Jenny Says:
September 29th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Although the revision is much better than the original there are still a few things that could use some work. I like the idea of a reluctant juvenile delinquent. It drums up some sympathy for the character right away. But there is a disconnect between the first two sentences and the rest of the query that leaves me wondering what him getting into trouble has to do with the bulk of the story. How does he get in trouble, what happens to him that he doesn’t intend, how will this knack for finding trouble effect him later on, etc?
Be careful with your long sentences. Readers tend to get tripped up by them. Also, the line about trouble “gathering him into its clutches” sounds a bit cliche.
To me this story sounds a lot like Harry Potter … mysterious, magical school, cruel aunt and uncle, defending against an overwhelming enemy, and so on. How is your story fundamentally unique? Tell us in the query.
That was the first time I realized that about the similarity to Harry Potter. I was like s@#t! at the time. I never meant it to be so close and it is a little darker and more grown up but if you replace the wizardry with martial arts and east Asian mysticism the stories are really similar. I've since decided that's okay. I've read all the Harry Potter books and I figure I could do worse if my story has to get compared to something.
So this post became epically long, sorry about that. But hopefully it's a good warmup for Rachele's post tomorrow. MAKE SURE you all come back for that.
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