Oh How I Miss You Blogfest!

How I Miss You Blogfest!

It’s that time of year again! Hosted by Andrew Leon, Alex J. Cavanaugh, and Me.

The bloggers you miss and the ones you would miss.
List one to three bloggers you really miss.
List one to three bloggers you would really miss if they stopped blogging.
And then go let them know!

So ... without further ado, here are three of the bloggers I would (and kind of do, considering I rarely blog anymore) miss..

Justine Dell

Justine was pretty much my very first follower and blogging buddy. Okay, maybe not very first, but she showed up really early on, and she was nice, and she was steady. She was always around, always supportive, and really knew how to handle the blogging thing.

I learned a lot from her, and I think she was even the first blogger to ever host me as a guest, too.

Jessica Bell

Jess was probably my second close friend I made early on through blogging. We're still tight. We exchange pages all the time, and we've met in real life, and she is the sweetest because she sends me all her books (which I love--the stories, not the free shipping), all the way from Greece!

Katie AKA Creepy Query Girl

I met Katie, the CQG, a little later than Justine and Jessica, but we've been friends ever since. We've had very similar journeys in our path to seeking publication, and I think it has really provided some comforting solidarity for both of us.

Why do I miss them?

Well, Jessica actually still blogs like a pro, even though I don't really visit her as much as I'd like to. Katie and Justine are both on hiatus, I believe, but to be honest, I haven't been to either of their blogs in a while. The thing is, blogging has been really tough for me lately. I pretty much miss everyone! That's because I have barely been blogging myself, and certainly not visiting and reading the blogs of all my friends.

The problem is that the day job has gotten so crazy, that I barely have time to raise my family and write. Unfortunately, blogging simply has to take a back seat when the option is blogging or writing books.

Anyway, make sure you visit everyone else! It's not an enormous blogfest or anything.

RECAPTURED DREAMS by Justine Dell - Blog Tour

Today I am very, very proud and excited to be featuring my oldest online writer friend for her book tour, Justine Dell! We met in the forums at Nathan Bransford's blog and website, ages ago, and though our correspondence has risen and fallen over the years as both of us moved through our lives and our writing careers, she's never stopped being awesome.

So it's with great pleasure I give her my blog today, as another stop on her tour for the release of Recaptured Dreams, her debut novel, published by Omnific Publishing, on September 18th.

There have already been a variety of posts about the book, which you should definitely check out, but Justine and I wanted to do something different today, something QQQE style. So we decided to analyze together the query that won her editor at Omnific over. Justine has had a successful query analyzed over here before. It was so long ago, I'm almost loath to link to it, but I will, just for fun: BROKEN TIES THAT BIND.

So anyway, here is the query for Recaptured Dreams, along with some necessary redaction, my thoughts in blue, and Justine's in green. Enjoy!

The query:

Ten years, the Atlantic Ocean, and several rungs in the society ladder have kept Xavier Cain from having Sophia Montel. Their teenage tryst was forbidden and xx xxx xxx xxxxx xxxx xxx xxxxxxx. Now twenty-seven, he’s spent his entire adult life building a fashion empire that would prove his worth to her family. When he finally sees Sophia again at London’s premiere fashion show, one problem lodges in his path: Sophia doesn’t remember him.

I don't want to break up these paragraphs, so I'll just put my thoughts after each one. If you read my query critiques, you'll know that this query doesn't fit the rules I often refer to, but it doesn't matter. The important thing is that it worked. What I like about this query, or at least this paragraph, is the way it builds the world (yes, even contemporary romance novels can do with a bit of world building, or at least region building) at the same time it clues us in to both the backstory, and some of the character of at least one of our protagonists. And that's all just the first sentence!

The rest seems standard fare for romance, but I like that it almost hints at epic family piece, like a Ken Follett novel.

The only thing that has kept Sophia from Xavier is a horrific car crash that erased her memory at seventeen. She’s spent the last ten years fighting to reclaim a sliver of her past that her mother refuses to help her remember. When Sophia meets Xavier at the London show, all her fantasies come to life in one night of passion. When she discovers he is the missing link, she is determined to find all the pieces to their love story and her memory.

Now, I'm not a big romance reader, so I'm not entirely aware of the cliché Justine mentions below, but this seems like an excellent set-up for conflict and tension to me. They meet again after ten years, they make love, he remembers, she doesn't, but then maybe she does. It's all right out of a tragic opera, and that seems perfect for a romance novel to me.

They journey back to America to find and salvage their long-ago love. The trip jolts Sophia’s memory and she learns xxxxxx xxx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxxxx for xx xxxx: xxxxxx’s xxxxxxx is xxxxxxxx xxx xxx xxxxxx’s xxx. Facing the shock of a lifetime, they must decide if their rekindled love is enough to gap to lies they’d been told.

Obviously this is a little hard to analyze with such a large and important detail missing, but we can't give everything away for a novel that's actually published, can we? And don't try highlighting that text, you tech-savvy smarty pants, I've taken care of that workaround.

Let's leave it to Justine.

I had an uphill climb with this book (and the plot). One, it’s on the shorter side and two, it has amnesia in the plot. Cliché, anyone? Yes, I’ll take one! I didn’t realize that an amnesia plot was one of the ten plots that were no-no’s in romance. Overdone, they’d said. Well, thankfully, mine has a wee bit of a twist and I think that publisher saw that in the query. Which is why you don’t see some of the words. Sorry! Didn’t want to spoil it! J

Plus, let’s face it, who thinks a strong male lead would be a clothing designer? I broke the mold in stereotyping there, peeps, and I think that helped with the originality of the story. That (and the twist) is why I think this particular query worked.

That's it.

Thanks so much for sharing this with me, Justine! I'm so happy for you. Enjoy the rest of your tour, you've earned it!

NOTE: I've updated this post so that my reference to historical romance is removed. Justine agrees that she could have made the contemporary aspect clearer in the query, but we both decided it was important for everyone to see that even queries that work often have room for improvement. If I was going to change one word in this query to clarify the contemporary setting, I would change "[t]hey journey back to America ..." to "[t]hey fly back to America."

Justine Dell's Current Query Critiqued

First of all: Go Hawks! Go Mavericks! Way to shock the world.

Now, let's get right to Justine's query, and my critique. My thoughts will be in red.

Perpetually eighteen-year-old Nicodemus thought he knew the purpose of Hell. After all, he was born there. It’s all about teaching humans about humanity, how to care, blah, blah, blah. Two thousand years later, he finds out he was wrong.

I think this has some strengths and some weaknesses. I mean the idea of a character who lives as some kind of gatekeeper for hell is very interesting, and the premise itself is almost enough of a hook, but not quite. We need a better idea of what the conflict is going to be. I mean I understand what you mean when you say the purpose of Hell is to teach humanity about caring, kindness, and so forth, but can you be more specific about what Nic has to do?

You've got a strong sense of character, and some great voice going, I just think you need to re-word this opening hook a bit.

Nic, part-mortal, part-freak, longs for one thing: a normal life. When he’s forced to bring a fifteen-year-old human to join the permanent ranks of Hell, he realizes normal is the last thing he will ever be. Nic wouldn’t wish his life on anyone. Who wants to be the reason a teenage mother commits suicide or be the person who starts a chain reaction that causes a father to shoot his newborn son? So how can he force someone so young to do what he does? The bringer of pain. Loss. Suffering. It’s not poetic. It’s not altruistic. It’s madness.

So in many ways I love this paragraph. It's fun to read, it's FULL of great voice, but ... it's also left me a little confused.

What exactly does Nic do? What's his "job?" I mean it sets up some great conflict and stakes to think that he is somehow the cause of all these terrible things, but I'm left feeling like I have no idea how or why he is the cause of such suffering.

Nic didn’t choose his existence, and he certainly doesn’t want to force it on someone else. But when Nic discovers he has a twin—one who’s hell-bent on killing Nic—the race for the human’s soul becomes a matter of life and death. Literally. Freakin’ great.

I like this, it raises the stakes, but my one hang up is with "the human." Is there a reason you don't want to name this character? And is "the human" the same character as the "little pop-tart human girl" you mention in this next paragraph? Which is an awesome description, by the way.

If you can make that clear, or clarify that they're the same earlier on, I think that would help.

Between damning the human to a life of servitude in Hell, the homicidal twin, and a hot little pop-tart human girl who makes Nic wild, something’s gotta give. And it has to be Nic. But death is the only answer when these worlds collide. And no one is safe when the gods play favorites. Like Nic doesn’t have enough crap to deal with.

You might want to drop the line about gods. It's the first time you've mentioned gods, and it might be a bit much, and I don't think it's needed with all the other amazing conflict you've got going on.

I'm also not exactly clear how death being the only answer works.

Title, word count, personalization, yada yada!

I think you're off to a great start, Justine. You clearly have a powerful premise going, and it sounds like your story is filled with some very interesting characters. If you can streamline this query letter, and clarify a few points, I think you'll be well on your way.

What do you all think? Please share your feedback in the comments!

Justine Dell's Current Query

But first some news: somehow I lost a follower. I'm not the type to obsess over these things, but I'm not going to pretend I didn't notice. I like to tell myself that someone's blogger account expired whenever this happens, because lord knows no one would stop following me on purpose.

Also, in case you haven't heard: Assets from The United States managed to kill Osama Bin Laden yesterday. He was not, as we were told for many years, hiding in a cave in Afghanistan, but actually living in a mansion outside Islamabad. Hopefully this can provide a tiny bit of closure for the innocent people so terribly affected by the cowardly acts of 9/11.

That's all the commentary I'll be giving it.

Now let's get to my good friend Justine's current query. Remember, today is just for you to get a feel for her story, please save your feedback for tomorrow when I'll be sharing mine.

The query:

Perpetually eighteen-year-old Nicodemus thought he knew the purpose of Hell. After all, he was born there. It’s all about teaching humans about humanity, how to care, blah, blah, blah. Two thousand years later, he finds out he was wrong.

Nic, part-mortal part-freak, longs for one thing: a normal life. When he’s forced to bring a fifteen-year-old human to join the permanent ranks of Hell, he realizes normal is the last thing he will ever be. Nic wouldn’t wish his life on anyone. Who wants to be the reason a teenage mother commits suicide or be the person who starts a chain reaction that causes a father to shoot his newborn son? So how can he force someone so young to do what he does? The bringer of pain. Loss. Suffering. It’s not poetic. It’s not altruistic. It’s madness.

Nic didn’t choose his existence, and he certainly doesn’t want to force it on someone else. But when Nic discovers he has a twin—one who’s hell-bent on killing Nic—the race for the human’s soul becomes a matter of life and death. Literally. Freakin’ great.

Between damning the human to a life of servitude in Hell, the homicidal twin, and a hot little pop-tart human girl who makes Nic wild, something’s gotta give. And it has to be Nic. But death is the only answer when these worlds collide. And no one is safe when the gods play favorites. Like Nic doesn’t have enough crap to deal with.

Title, word count, personalization, yada yada!

So that's it!

Remember, please say hi to Justine and thank her for her courage in the comments, but save your advice and thoughts on her query for tomorrow, she knows it needs some work, which is why she's here, but we'll be spending tomorrow trying to help her hone this to a keen edge.

JD's Query for LOST AND FOUND Critiqued

Before we get started I just want to say thanks to Justine for being the first person to ever reach out to me in the forums. She was the first person to ever critique my query way back when and it's been a pleasure to be her friend ever since and watch her skill at crafting queries grow immensely.

In fact I think this query here, that we're looking at this week, is an excellent example. The query is already very good, and along with an awesome premise and some great writing would probably earn her several requests. But we're here today to try to make it the very best it can be, so I'll try to nit-pick it apart a little.

Here goes:

Twelve-year-old Kelly Moore is determined to do something someone her age has never done before: win a National Barrel Racing Championship. All she has to do is win the State Finals and she’ll be on her way. When her beloved horse, Rocket, and seven other horses are stolen right after she competes at the finals, Kelly freaks.

This opening paragraph is really good. I do think there are a couple of things missing though. I think the second half of your first sentence makes for a strong hook. What would make it even better is just a little more of Kelly's character, and maybe a teeny bit of backstory. Is she a good kid? Straight A student? A loner? Is her family life happy? Mom and dad divorced? I think from the info you give that we can probably infer that this a good girl from a decent home, but it would be great to know a little more about her ASAP.

Otherwise your setup of the conflict and the stakes is excellent. Well done.

Kelly’s biggest fear is that her horse is on its way to the slaughterhouse. She hangs missing horse flyers everywhere and questions everyone. No luck. When she accuses a barn manager of theft and breaks in to his office in an attempt to prove his guilt, Kelly’s gets a dose of parental retribution. But she won’t give up.

This is also good. You're expanding on the conflict and the players without going overboard. One thing I think you should consider here is injecting a little more voice. Kelly may be a good kid but she might refer to being "freaked" about her poor house and the slaughterhouse, and she might have a flashy adjective for the barn manager. Is he "nasty", "smelly", "mean old"? I know those are all kind of lame, but I bet you can come up with something better. Ask Em!

Kelly’s nemesis, Missy, had her horse stolen too. And Missy’s bound and determined to not let Kelly leave her out of the chase. Kelly finally catches a hot lead and does the unthinkable: hides in the horse thief’s trailer with Missy at her side. They find the horses but get caught by the bad guys in the process. No one’s future is looking bright when a fire engulfs the barn they’re in.

Just a couple things here. I actually think this is pretty darn good too. I like how the stakes get raised here and how the old nemesis gets involved but I got a little confused when you jumped from hiding out in the trailer to getting caught inside a burning barn. Obviously it makes perfect sense in the story, but it felt too quick for me in the query. You might be able to leave the burning barn out, after all you don't want to give away everything. Or you can keep it in. This query is certainly short enough to leave you room, maybe just transition into that climax a little differently if you keep it.

Kelly must put her dislike of Missy aside while they work together. If she doesn’t, the girls won’t be able to save themselves—or their beloved horses—before it’s too late for them all.

I actually love this. This is one of the best summarys, clarifying the choice that Kelly must make, that I've seen in a while. I would keep this.

LOST AND FOUND, a middle grade novel, is complete at 31,000 words.

Obviously you've got more room for housekeeping and personalization if needed, but this critique is about the meat anyway.

So. Well done Justine! It's so cool to see how far your query skills have come. I wish you the best of luck in submitting this fun little tale.

What do you guys think? Any suggestions for adding more character to her hook and making that first sentence pitch pop a little more?

Dear Justine

Hey JD! So sorry but I have to take my daughter to the doctor this morning. I'm still doing your post and I still want to help but I just had to put this up to let you know my critique should be up soon. Hopefully before noon, eastern.

Have a great morning until then! Thanks.

Justine Dell's Query for LOST AND FOUND

This week we're going to be doing another query workshop here on the QQQE. We're going to be breaking down Justine Dell's query for her MG novel, LOST AND FOUND. If you don't know Justine, you should definitely visit her blog and become a follower. She's been on hiatus lately, but once she comes back her Grammar Police posts are really useful.

Anyway, today I'm just going to be sharing her query, saving the feedback until tomorrow. Feel free to say hello, or ask any questions you might have, but please also save your own feedback for tomorrow as well. Thanks!

Now, Justine's query:

Twelve-year-old Kelly Moore is determined to do something someone her age has never done before: win a National Barrel Racing Championship. All she has to do is win the State Finals and she’ll be on her way. When her beloved horse, Rocket, and seven other horses are stolen right after she competes at the finals, Kelly freaks.

Kelly’s biggest fear is that her horse is on its way to the slaughterhouse. She hangs missing horse flyers everywhere and questions everyone. No luck. When she accuses a barn manager of theft and breaks in to his office in an attempt to prove his guilt, Kelly’s gets a dose of parental retribution. But she won’t give up.

Kelly’s nemesis, Missy, had her horse stolen too. And Missy’s bound and determined to not let Kelly leave her out of the chase. Kelly finally catches a hot lead and does the unthinkable: hides in the horse thief’s trailer with Missy at her side. They find the horses but get caught by the bad guys in the process. No one’s future is looking bright when a fire engulfs the barn they’re in.

Kelly must put her dislike of Missy aside while they work together. If she doesn’t, the girls won’t be able to save themselves—or their beloved horses—before it’s too late for them all.

LOST AND FOUND, a middle grade novel, is complete at 31,000 words.

Please don't forget to come back tomorrow to see what I think about this query, and to give some of your own feedback. I realize it's a holiday week, and blogging should be slow, but let's give Justine all the help we can - tomorrow.

Thanks!