BROKEN TIES THAT BIND

Today we’re going to do something new and fun: a Guest Blogger with a positive query experience!

Here is a query letter from my friend and fellow blogger Justine Dell that found success, at least at the first level. That’s what this blog is about anyway.

Please visit Justine’s blog: Justine Dell, and follow her. She is a great writer, fun blogger and an awesome person. I will be doing a guest post for her next week, Tuesday or Thursday, so make sure to return for that as well.

So without further ado, on to the query. Original text will be plain, her thoughts will be in blue and mine will be in red.

Original Query:

Dear REDACTED,

I’m seeking representation for BROKEN TIES THAT BIND, a romantic suspense novel that is complete at 81,000 words.

Genre/Word Count/Title was included at the top because this agent specifically stated in their blog that they wanted an “introduction”.

She did her research and the proof was in the pudding. Good work Justine. I also love that title. It’s like that word game they play on NPR where you have to put two different movie titles together.

Thirty-year-old attorney Jamie Hill has never lost a case, but she’s afraid of losing her marriage. New lawyer in the firm, Elliott Moffat, showers her with attention, determined to reignite their past love. Temptation like that is hard to resist with a husband who’s forgotten how to say I love you.

I like this paragraph, I think is shows good conflict from the get-go.

Great hook/pitch opening sentence. Short but sweet, but more importantly it worked. This post is not meant to be a critique of Justine’s query – there are other places for that – but I will just say that I really like that last sentence. Not only is it obviously true in real life, but it clearly and succinctly sets up the conflict that is probably the gist of the entire novel.

Elliott’s attention draws Jaimie closer, even as she holds tight to her fading marriage. After an unexpected legal faceoff, her husband Jason files for divorce. Adding insult to injury, Jaimie discovers he has a mistress – Andy, her old frienemy from high school. Free of her vows, Jaimie allows herself to fall back in love with Elliott.

More Conflict!! YAY!!

According to Google, it’s Frenemy without the “i”. He obviously got it and since it’s not a real word I don’t think it matters, but it is fun to look up what Urban Dictionary has to say about such things.

Then the threats begin. The one-dozen beheaded roses, the rock through her glass front door, a dead bird on her car windshield. With each frightful delivery, Jaimie fears for her safety. Her new-found happiness with Elliott is also in doubt since he failed to disclose that Andy is his ex-wife. Jamie’s trust is tested further as she witnesses an ugly fistfight between Elliott and Jason.

I like this paragraph because I think it’s what sets my story apart from other romantic suspense novels. That’s what agents want, right? They want to know what makes your story different from others.

Disclaimer: I don’t read romance (except when it occurs in YA) so I can’t speak to what Justine is saying, but I will say that the scenes she describes do a great job of building the tension for me. I’m guessing the agent liked them too.

Jamie struggles to get her personal life back under control when the bottom drops out - Jason is found murdered and Elliott pinned as the jealous lover. Now Jaimie faces a wrenching decision: is Elliott the man of her dreams or a murderer?

Dun...Dun...Dun...the hook. Pretty darn good if I may say so myself. And it worked, at least this time. Yes, you’ll notice that I ended my query with a rhetorical question. I could have done it both ways, with the same impact. You see, I’ve could have said: Now Jaimie must decide if Elliott is the man of her dreams or a murderer. But, I like the question. And Nathan, the agent of ALL agents, said it’s okay to end the query on a question, just don’t start with one. However, there are some agents who don’t like questions at all. This wasn’t one of the agents.

This is a great twist on the plot it seems to me. I mean maybe this kind of thing might be expected in this kind of novel, but even so it really raises the stakes concerning her decisions. It also ties the whole query together with a great kind of punch at the end. Excellent wording. I have also read Nathan’s posts about the questions but this one is not rhetorical and it works at the end.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

After the closing and my contact info, the first 10 pages of the novel were included. This is something the agent asked for along with the query.

All in all it’s a very good query; short and to the point, concise. And of course it did its job which is the important thing and why it’s up here.

Agents Response after exactly 2 days:

Dear Ms. Dell,

I like everything but the flashback. If you might agree to do something about that, I’d like to take a look at the rest of the novel. Please let me know.

REDACTED

So, short, sweet, to the point. This was my VERY first request, so I darn near had a heart attack. And then, when I read the email again, I was like WHOA! The flashbacks are a serious part of the story (and he would have read one of the flashbacks in the first ten pages he received…that’s what he didn’t like). There are three total. Then I thought “he’s going to hate it”. URGH! What do I do?

I’m not going to speak to this part of the process for Justine because it is all very subjective and my specialty is really more along the lines of sucking at query writing. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below though!

So I sent him the following email:

Dear REDACTED,

Thank you for your timely reply to my query. I would be more than happy to send you the rest of the novel, as I am willing to make changes regarding the flashback. There are two other flashbacks in the story, and I am flexible with them as well. If you like the rest of the novel, I can work on removing/changing them in a way that suits the story best.

With that being said; I can send it to you as-is to see if it is something you are interested in working with. Please let me know how you would like for me to send it to you.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Justine Dell

I wasn’t sure at the time how I felt about removing the flash backs, but I wanted him to know that I was open to changing the story if needed. After all, aren’t agents supposed to know what’s good/bad/ugly? If he likes the story but not the flash backs, then BAM! out with the flash backs. But, at the time I didn’t know if he wanted me to remove them before sending the full MS or not. That would have taken some serious work because I would have had to plug-in the flashback information somewhere else in the story.

His reply was once again short and sweet:

Dear Ms. Dell,

Please do send the complete novel to me as an email attachment to this address. Thanks.

REDACTED

I got this email on the 20th of February. I sent the MS out on the 21st. So then I wait…and wait. Before I continue, I will say that right after I sent out the query, I got the most awesome beta reader in the world. She started to read my story, and I found out very quickly that it wasn’t ready to be seen by an agent. It had been read before, by five people to be exact, and none of them noticed the plot problems my beta did. Bummer….so when I got the agents reply, eleven days after I sent the MS, I didn’t even need to open the email to know what it said. It took me a long time to actually open it anyway. I didn’t want to feel the crush of rejection. But I finally opened it.

This is what it said:

Dear Ms. Dell,

Thanks you so much for sharing your work with me. I have read and pondered my decision and have decided not to go further with this. I sincerely wish I could represent everyone who sends me their work, but you and I know that this is impossible. I won't go into great detail as to what I found wrong with your work, because that is not my function as an author's representative. Please understand that what I did find is only my opinion and not necessarily that of any other agents or that of the publishing industry. I wish you God's speed in finding adequate representation and eventual publication.

Regards,

REDACTED

So, a dead-end to my publishing journey. I wish I would have had my beta sooner. I’m almost certain if I did that this would have had a different outcome. My story has changed dramatically, grown in size (by 10K) and really is better. Now, I’m my own worst critic, so yeah – it’s better, but not by any means the greatest story ever told. The queries have since stopped on this story as the rewrite is still under way. I’m almost done and hoping to be querying within the next few weeks or so. The query letter will change slightly, as the arc of the story has changed a bit. Hopefully, I’ll get another agent like this who wants to see the new, improved story.

~JD

First off I want to thank Justine for her intense courage. It is one thing for me to put myself out there for all to see on my own blog, where I have total control, but for her to take that leap of faith is commendable.

I think it’s clear she has a compelling story here with an interesting twist on a romance premise. She is already further down the road to query success than many of us so let’s wish her the best in her revisions and future luck in obtaining representation.

Don’t forget to visit her blog, comment and follow. I’ll be doing a guest post there next week.

P.S. Justine would like to thank some of the users over at Nathan Bransford's forums for their assistance with revising her query. In particular she would like to thank: Ghost in the Machine, Jaime, and Tycoon.

She would also like to thank Christi for all her help.