The First Five Pages

Today I'll share a strange one. This is a query I sent to a prominent New York Agent. As you'll see the query is still pretty bad, but for some reason she still requested the first five pages. I'll admit I was very excited at the time.

In hindsight she may have just wanted the first five pages included in the query as part of her standard submission preference and I just missed it; I'm not going back to check now and besides her guidelines may have changed. It may be that she wants the query in the letter as a standard formality but really makes her decision based on the voice in the pages.

Who knows?

May 8th, 2009

Dear REDACTED,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my young-adult fantasy-adventure novel which has the working title, WARRIOR-MONKS, and is complete at approximately 475,000 words. The sequel, which is untitled, currently exists only in outline form. I am enclosing a synopsis but will not include any sample chapters because the REDACTED website clearly states that you will request a manuscript if you have an interest.

To this day I'm still amazed she requested the pages. With that word count admitted to in the query I have no idea what she was thinking. Maybe she was just curious. At least I left out the "buying books in droves these days" and "the synopsis included here simply does not do it justice" bile. I'm pretty sure that helped.

I love Eastern Cultures and art forms – Martial Arts, Calligraphy, Japanese Swords, Tea Ceremony etcetera and all the tradition and high level of art that go into them. I also love magic and fantasy and eastern religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. Warrior-Monks incorporates all of these themes in a fantastic way which has never been done in young adult fantasy to my knowledge.

Boy am I getting sick of reading that paragraph. I'm pretty sure this one is not why she requested the pages.

Lee is a troubled young man from a broken family. After being expelled from boarding school and having experienced several brushes with the law, his adopted parents, who also happen to be his cruel aunt and uncle, decide to ship him off to a strange and distant reform school which is in the remote wilderness in the panhandle of Northern Idaho. He becomes a member of a group of 12 other students who arrived at the school at the same time as him. They are all very afraid and apprehensive about what will be going on at the school but they are soon pleased to discover that it is not nearly as bad as they had feared. After working in the Wood-Corral for several months they begin taking classes like Aikido, Kenjutsu, Calligraphy and Meditation. It is some time before they discover that through meditation they can imbue their calligraphic scrolls with ancient magic. The book consists of many themes such as the beauty of nature, the life-energy that exists in everything and the awkward struggles that teenagers go through as they grow into themselves and become adults. Lee’s coming of age and struggling with the loss of his mother and the breaking of his family form the core of this introspective but also character driven tale.

I guess I have to assume this is the paragraph she liked. I mean it's not TERRIBLE. It's way too long and ends up with a lot of telling but at least it DOES sort of describe what happens. Maybe she's a kung-fu film junkie and thought all the martial arts sounded cool. We'll never know.

I have never been published but I am confident that many authors like Christopher Paolini and Brunonia Barry have proved that you do not have to be a highly experienced or best-selling author to write an incredibly entertaining book. Please feel free to reply to my personal email at mattmrush@gmail.com, or to call me on my mobile phone at any time at 206-555-1212, or even to write to me at home at:

ADDRESS

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal.

Sincerely,
Matthew M. Rush

I SWEAR I INCLUDED THE SYNOPSIS BUT IT'S NOT IN THE EMAIL I SAVED. MAYBE IT GOT CLIPPED.

Her initial reply:

Thanks for your query. Mind sending along the first five pages of your manuscript in the body of an e-mail? I'd be happy to take a look and let you know whether the style is the best fit for me.

Thanks, REDACTED

Man was I excited. Sure it's not REALLY a MS request and looking back I honestly think her website may have asked for the pages in the query and I just missed it, but still.

So I replied. I made sure to put "Requested Material" in the subject line. I sent her this:

Dear REDACTED,

Thank you very much for your potential interest in my project. I will include the first five pages of the introduction/prologue chapter here so that you may get an idea of my narrative voice. You did not specify any formatting preferences so I will go with what seems to be the industry standard of double spaced in a 12 point font. Please let me know if you have any questions.

FIRST FIVE PAGES.

If you think that this novel might be appropriate for your representation please feel free to reply to this email or to call me anytime at 206-555-1212. Thank you very much for your time and consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you,
Matthew

I got her reply about ten days later:

Dear Matthew:

Thanks for sending along the opening pages of The Teepee of Perception. Truth be told, though, I'm afraid these pages just didn't draw me in as much as I had hoped. I'm pressed for time these days and, what with my reservations about the project, I suspect I wouldn't be the best fit. Thanks so much for contacting me, though, and for giving me this opportunity. It's much appreciated, and I'm sorry to be passing. I wish you the very best of luck in your search for representation.

Best,
REDACTED

I was a little ticked because she referenced "The Teepee of Perception" which had been, at the time, the title of the chapter, not the novel. It's truly a trivial detail but at the time I used it as an excuse to write her off. It still does sting a little and I have to admit that as much as query writing sucks I'd rather be rejected because of my query letter a hundred times than even once for my actual writing.

I think the problem was that I sent her the wrong part of the novel and the opening pages were not colorful or voice-specific enough back then. I've updated them a few times since but would definitely advise anyone wondering about hooking a reader to read Noah Lukeman's THE FIRST FIVE PAGES.

I remember thinking: If I can only get someone to read my ENTIRE novel, I know they'll love it. While I still believe that to be true I have since learned that my MS should be so tight and polished that ANY reader will love every page. If they have to drill through backstory and setting set-up to get to the "good parts" you just might lose them.

I'm still trimming the fat.

P.S. Please mark your calendars and come back this Friday morning. Cole Gibsen, from Hair Dye & Samurai will be doing the guest post and sharing the query that landed her her agent.