DEAD IN THE CORNER OF MY BEDROOM

Today’s guest blog post is by Jessica, better known as The Alliterative Allomorph. Does she not have the coolest screen name in the blogoshpere? Please be sure to visit her blog and become a follower.

I’m sure you’re all used to this by now, but if this is your first time here Jessica’s thoughts are in blue and my own are in red.

Firstly, I’d like to say this query is a mess. I don’t think it’s such a bad piece of writing, it might actually work for a marketing piece with a little tweaking, but as far as queries go, it’s bad, bad and more bad. I have no idea how I got a full ms request from this query. It says nothing comprehensive about the story whatsoever. All it does is touch upon my ms’s themes and my intentions in writing it. But, I guess this is a breath of fresh air. It means that if your writing is up to par, the query means squat. I’m so grateful for agents who make their decisions based upon sample pages – queries are very difficult to master. I think it’s quite sad when agents don’t allow us to submit sample pages. I don’t think it does anybody any good – neither the author, nor the agent. The difference between writing a business letter and writing fiction is huge. Anyway, here’s my query:

I’m making these comments before actually reading her query but even if it is that bad (which I doubt) I would like to thank Jessica for sharing an example of her point. Ultimately it is the actual writing and voice in your manuscript that will land you an agent. A query is just an introduction to give them a taste that will hopefully get them to want to read more.

Dear REDACTED,

In DEAD IN THE CORNER OF MY BEDROOM Jane’s ordinary life is about to be transformed. She's a devoted mother and a hard-working wife, dedicated to her day job but still harbouring hopes of becoming a singer. With her guitar in her hands she feels real – but as she reaches for her dreams one moment shatters her world for ever.

Ok, this isn’t too bad. At least I’ve included a log line. I think I could have done without “Jane’s ordinary life is about to be transformed”, and “singer”, should have been “rock star”.

I’m not going to critique specifics of her query, but sure there is room for improvement here. I will certainly agree that singer should be rock star though. Hell all singers want to be rock star isn’t that why shows like American Idol exist?

My novel sways between edgy women's fiction and literary fiction, as it deals with some very complex and dark subjects, such as life changing decisions, memories of an emotionally abusive childhood and frustrated ambitions amid the all-consuming minutiae of the everyday, in a largely commercial way. Its intimate style draws the reader in; as though they are too inside Jane's mind. Despite Jane being quite a quirky, yet gritty heroine, she still mulls over her neglected aspirations, marital problems and nostalgia for a time when she had a firmer sense of self – issues I believe will strike a chord with many female readers.

“novel sways between edgy women's fiction and literary fiction” – bad bad bad! Never mix genres. Agents tend not to like that. They want to know immediately what shelf to put it on in a bookstore. Plus I think the first sentence is way too long. This paragraph says nothing about the plot. It talks about themes and style. Also, the last sentence is SO not necessary. The agent is sure to be able to see this after reading what precedes it.

Boy do I have this problem. I once called my novel a young-adult commercial-fiction/literary-fiction/fantasy crossover novel. In a letter. To an agent. I had no idea what I was talking about. Narrowing down to a single genre can be difficult for a lot of writers.

My ultimate goal is to break into the women's fiction market and steer it away from the stereotypically glorified woman that is most commonly portrayed today with pure honesty instead. Not every women in this world lives without regret, knows exactly what they want, and has the courage to put every essence of their being into achieving their dreams. Not every woman is inspirational. Not every woman can leave their comfort zone to better their future. But, so what? Does that mean a less strong-minded woman doesn't have an interesting story to tell? Definitely not.

I quite like this paragraph. It’s kind of like my motto – I have it on my web site. Although it’s probably against query ‘law’, I think it says something about me as a writer. It says I have a real motivation for what I’m doing, a passion – that I’m not just writing because I want my name to be seen on a cover in a book store. But again, it’s not really doing much, is it? Still no real info here about my story. Ugh.

I’m not an expert, but I have learned a lot about querying in the last several months. Technically Jessica’s right. By normal query standards this is entirely unnecessary. That being said I have a suspicion that it was largely this paragraph that interested this particular agent. It’s just a hunch, but that’s what I think.

Although this is my first novel, I have been working in ELT (English Language Teaching) publishing for the past five years, both as an editor and freelance writer for Macmillan Hellas, Cengage Learning, Pearson/Longman, Education First and Signature Manuscripts. I am also a singer/songwriter and guitarist. These factors, and my experience as an Australian living in Greece, have greatly influenced my novel. I also have a Bachelor of Arts with an English major.

I think this is ok. Every query needs a little bio. I have, however, changed the first line to be less specific, and have directed them to my website for a list of publications in my name. I did this because they’re not really relevant to novel writing. They’re just English text books. So if they want to see them, they know where to go.

I’d say this is a little better than okay. Sure, Jessica’s never been published for fiction but proof of having the ability to write coherently enough to get published in a text book is not a bad start.

Please see below for the first two chapters (3365 words) of my work and a synopsis.

Thanks goodness for the sample and synopsis!

Agreed!

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes,
Jessica C. Bell

This got me a full ms request from an Australian agent around the end of March – a full two months after submitting the query. This was the response:

Dear Jessica,

Thank you for your email regarding DEAD IN THE CORNER OF MY BEDROOM. REDACTED has now had a chance to consider your submission and has requested the full manuscript to be sent via email to submissions@ REDACTED.com.au

Kind Regards,
REDACTED

I’m so excited about this. They’re my top choice. They represent the screenwriter of my favourite film Strictly Ballroom, and Baz Lurhmann’s Romeo and Juliet. Apparently it can take up to seven months to hear back! Ouch! So I’m waiting … patiently … hoping and praying!

I didn’t realize your MS was still out on submission. Best of luck with it Jessica!

For those that are interested to know what my novel is actually about, here is the bulk of my latest query:

Jane dislikes her job, but has been preparing for a possible promotion as chief editor, to provide a better upbringing for her four-year-old daughter. A year later, she has still neglected to tell her husband, Max, because it will mean relocating from Athens to London. But when Max, who organises music events for a living, and who has got used to treating her like a housewife instead of a musician, dismisses her effort and refuses to support the idea, it’s the final straw. Jane’s abandoned aspirations, marital problems and nostalgia for a time when she had a firmer sense of self, have been consuming her thoughts long enough. It’s time to bring back the rock star within, before it’s too late. In an attempt to improve her marriage and quench her thirst to play music again, Jane tells Max that she will relinquish the job opportunity, but that she’d like his help to play gigs. He agrees. But just when their relationship shows signs of improving, Jane discovers Max’s infidelity.

In a situation like this, Jane would usually give up—but not this time. Determined to escape this domestic rut, she contacts her Australian heavy metal-head ex-boyfriend via Facebook, and he offers her the opportunity to play guitar on an American tour. Jane not only decides to seize both the job and the tour opportunity, despite feeling guilty about becoming like her mother and neglecting her daughter, but she also tells Max she’d like to temporarily separate. But when discovering that she’s pregnant, puts her plan to tour on the back burner, little does she know what a minor setback this is, until tragedy shows its frightening face, and realises she’s been seeking fulfilment in the wrong place.

So that’s it for Jessica’s query, post and correspondence with her (hopefully) soon to be agent. Please take a moment to thank her in the comments for being brave enough to share this with us and also don’t forget to visit her blog and become a follower.

So what do you think? Isn’t it great when an agent accepts pages and or a synopsis with the query?