Colene Murphy's Current Query Critiqued

Before we get started: ITALIA! AZZURRI!!! Balotelli! Yes, my Italians beat Germany yesterday, in a heart-stoppingly exciting match. It ended up 2-1, but Germany's only goal was on a bogus PK, and both Italia's goals were scored by our young, up and coming star, Mario Balotelli (who is of African descent). He had pretty much been a non-factor up until yesterday's game, so it was extremely satisfying to watch him prove his worth.

Now let's get to work. I'm going on vacation next week. I'll be working on Monday, so I may post then, but after that the blog will probably be offline for at least a week. My sister is getting married in the Berkshires, and I'll be flying my family up to Boston, and meeting the likes of Sarah Fine, Anna Stanizewski, Kristen Wixted, Heather Kelly, and Chelsey Blair.

So that's it for news, really. Let's get to Colene's query. My thoughts will be in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Damaris may have the power to steal human souls, but she isn't happy about it. I'm a bit confused. On the one hand, I kind of like this, assuming it's tongue in cheek, but on the other hand, I'm not sure it's obvious enough. I mean what sixteen-year-old would be happy about the ability to steal human souls? A direct descendant of Death, Damaris doesn't share her parents' beliefs that her kind, Ankou, are inherently evil. This is better. A bit of character, a bit of world-building, and a touch of conflict. Or that the only way they can gain access to Heaven is by killing humans and stealing their souls. Killing and stealing souls? I can see why she wouldn't be happy about that. Worse, she's been shipped off to boarding school because of her rebellion, leaving her younger sister, Genie, alone under her parents' murderous influence. Interesting. I went to boarding school, so I'm all about stories that include it, and I think you've set up some decent stakes here, and I'm interested to see where it goes.

But over summer break, Damaris has a chance to show Genie another way of life, put an end to all the senseless deaths, and, hopefully, start a chain reaction to change the rest of her kind. I like the concept of her rebelling, but I would like to see some specifics. How is she going to show Genie another way of life? How can she put an end to the deaths and what kind of chain reaction will it start? I get it that you don't want to give everything away in a query, but when you think about it, this last sentence doesn't tell us that much. Her parents have other ideas, however. If Damaris doesn’t make a kill, they’ll disown her. Of course, that’s if somebody doesn’t get to Damaris and her family first. I don't think you need to name her again. She's a member of her family, and you've named her three times in this paragraph.

Someone is stalking Damaris, stalking, or trying to kill? car and mail bombs popping up at every turn. If she isn't able to find out his or her identity soon, more than Genie's future will be lost, and escaping back to boarding school will no longer be an option. I like this. Conflict, stakes, and mystery. Well done. With everything falling in in? Or apart? Or down? Maybe collapsing? around her, Damaris must decide: go against everything she believes about the value of life and use her powers to save her sister, or admit defeat and let her deadly heritage carry on. Seems the life of a daughter of Death has just gotten way too complicated. Excellent choice. Well done summing up.

CALLING DEATH is a 64,000 word YA paranormal with series potential. (more agenty-personalized stuff if I can place any.)

So. In summary, as I said yesterday, I think this query is already quite good. The ending in particular carries some zing. What needs the most work, I think, is the opening hook. It's tough, I know, but we need to get a better sense of Damaris' character, and it would be nice to get a slightly better sense of the world. Do they live on earth? In hell? Somewhere else? I like how the kids seem to get to live a mostly normal life while they're young, and I think that's a cool premise, but I'd like to see some more specifics about how it all works.

Your middle paragraph is better. It raises the stakes, and introduces what looks like some great conflict, but again, it's a little vague. I basically said it all in my in text notes, but the point is, don't just tell us: this important thing happens, and then this important thing follows, show us what they are (without going into so much detail you need another hundred words).

Your final paragraph is pretty good, I think, I except for the points I mentioned. 

So that's it.

What do you all think? Wish you were going on vacation? I bet.

Colene Murphy's Current Query

Do you all know Colene? She's awesome, and she blogs at The Journey. Go on and follow her, I promise you won't be disappointed.

Now here's her query:

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Damaris may have the power to steal human souls, but she isn't happy about it. A direct descendant of Death, Damaris doesn't share her parents' beliefs that her kind, Ankou, are inherently evil. Or that the only way they can gain access to Heaven is by killing humans and stealing their souls. Worse, she's been shipped off to boarding school because of her rebellion, leaving her younger sister, Genie, alone under her parents' murderous influence.

But over summer break, Damaris has a chance to show Genie another way of life, put an end to all the senseless deaths, and, hopefully, start a chain reaction to change the rest of her kind. Her parents have other ideas, however. If Damaris doesn’t make a kill, they’ll disown her. Of course, that’s if somebody doesn’t get to Damaris and her family first.

Someone is stalking Damaris, car and mail bombs popping up at every turn. If she isn't able to find out his or her identity soon, more than Genie's future will be lost, and escaping back to boarding school will no longer be an option. With everything falling in around her, Damaris must decide: go against everything she believes about the value of life and use her powers to save her sister, or admit defeat and let her deadly heritage carry on. Seems the life of a daughter of Death has just gotten way too complicated.

CALLING DEATH is a 64,000 word YA paranormal with series potential. (more agenty-personalized stuff if I can place any.)

That's it.

Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Cole for sharing in the comments!

Colene Murphy's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. Today we've got Colene's query again, but this time with my thoughts. Before we get to that though, I've got some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that I won't be at my desk today, responding to your comments via email, which I love to do because the interaction and conversation that comes with that is what blogging is all about, to me.

The good news is that I won't be there because I'll be on a flight to Boston to visit my little sister for her 30th birthday. It's all very exciting and I'll put some cute pictures of us up tomorrow.

Now, let's get to Colene's query. Here it is, with my thoughts in red.

Dear Agent,

17-year-old Faith just wants to get out of the decrepit orphanage, forget no one wanted her, and be left alone with her boyfriend. This opening line is great. It makes a really strong hook, and I'm trying to figure out how to make it better, but it's tough. I will make a few points: the forgetting about no one wanting her is a little redundant, because obviously she's in an orphanage, but I actually like having it in there, because it gives the sentence better rhythm. The mention of her boyfriend feels a little vague, and tacked on, but after you read the entire query, you realize that's on purpose, and it kind of works. The pregnancy is a glitch, but she can figure that out later. LOVE it.

So I think this hook is quite good. It's only two short sentences, but we've got a decent idea of character, a bit of backstory, and an idea of what the conflict might be. If you make any changes to this, keep them subtle.

But Mrs. Simp, the director, is acting weird – homicidal weird. This is great, ups the stakes, except for one thing: I would change the "but" at the beginning to "yet" or "however" or something else. Not because it's bad grammar, bad grammar can be great for voice, but because you just ended the previous paragraph with a "but," and that makes it unclear what you're refuting.

To escape death at the hand of the once trusted employee, be careful here, I know you're talking about Mrs. Simp, but she wasn't Faith's employee, Faith flees through an ivy covered stone wall I would put an em-dash here, or at least a comma, and runs straight into another world.

There, a beautiful, strange woman named Uri is waiting. She promises a happy ending for Faith, her baby, and the boyfriend. I know we talked about this, but I think you need to clarify that the boyfriend is still back in the regular world. They can all come and live in paradise forever on one condition: Faith must follow the haunting woman deeper into the world behind the wall. It didn’t seem like much of a condition until you add in the flesh eating lake monster, city of faceless human replicas, and scorpions falling from treetops.

Colene and I discussed the use of the word "you" in a query. Strictly speaking, second person is frowned upon in query letters, but I think this instance is a little different. The unknown narrator of this query (which is an interesting point because often a narrator in a query can be the MC, even without writing in first person, or at least write with the voice of the MC) never truly addresses the reader directly, which would be breaking the fourth wall. Instead, she uses the "until you add" in a sort of colloquial, idiomatic version of "if one adds in ..."

I'll leave it up to you, dear readers, to disagree. Many of you are ever more experienced with these things than me.

As the adventure gets even freakier, Faith wants to go back. And Uri turns violent. In a rage, she burns an entire city and its inhabitants using only her will and demands possession of Faith’s unborn child in return for safe passage 'home'. Even with single quotes the period should go inside the quote, I believe. Otherwise, this is great. Quick, short, and to the point, yet it sets up very high stakes, and gives us an incredibly scary antagonist to worry about.

Faith must decide: give up the baby she didn't think she wanted in the first place to save her own life, or take up the machete and fight the all powerful, demented Uri for more than just her freedom.

I love when a query ends by summarizing a choice that must be made. Choice is at the heart of conflict, so this sums things up well. I also like that you got so specific with the machete. I mean that's weird, and totally unexpected that it wouldn't be a sword or some other normal weapon, which really entices me to want to read the pages. I need to know: why a machete?

INTO ADELLADARE is a 49,000 word fantasy horror novel for young adults.

I think you're off to incredible start here Cole. In my humble opinion this query is VERY close.

What do you guys think? As always, feel free to disagree with me! See you Monday.

Colene Murphy's Current Query

You guys know the drill by now, right? This is just Colene's query, sort of a chance for you to read it, and let the concept marinate in your grey matter for a while.

Tomorrow will be for feedback, so please wait until then to tear Colene a new one. Just kidding.

Oh, by the way, if you don't know Colene, go visit her blog, and follow it.

Dear Agent,

17-year-old Faith just wants to get out of the decrepit orphanage, forget no one wanted her, and be left alone with her boyfriend. The pregnancy is a glitch, but she can figure that out later.

But Mrs. Simp, the director, is acting weird – homicidal weird.

To escape death at the hand of the once trusted employee, Faith flees through an ivy covered stone wall and runs straight into another world.

There, a beautiful, strange woman named Uri is waiting. She promises a happy ending for Faith, her baby, and the boyfriend. They can all come and live in paradise forever on one condition: Faith must follow the haunting woman deeper into the world behind the wall. It didn’t seem like much of a condition until you add in the flesh eating lake monster, city of faceless human replicas, and scorpions falling from treetops.

As the adventure gets even freakier, Faith wants to go back. And Uri turns violent. In a rage, she burns an entire city and its inhabitants using only her will and demands possession of Faith’s unborn child in return for safe passage 'home'.

Faith must decide: give up the baby she didn't think she wanted in the first place to save her own life, or take up the machete and fight the all powerful, demented Uri for more than just her freedom.

INTO ADELLADARE is a 49,000 word fantasy horror novel for young adults.

This is going to be a tough one, because IMHO this is very close. I will try to give Colene what feedback I can tomorrow.

Thanks!