Colene Murphy's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. Today we've got Colene's query again, but this time with my thoughts. Before we get to that though, I've got some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that I won't be at my desk today, responding to your comments via email, which I love to do because the interaction and conversation that comes with that is what blogging is all about, to me.

The good news is that I won't be there because I'll be on a flight to Boston to visit my little sister for her 30th birthday. It's all very exciting and I'll put some cute pictures of us up tomorrow.

Now, let's get to Colene's query. Here it is, with my thoughts in red.

Dear Agent,

17-year-old Faith just wants to get out of the decrepit orphanage, forget no one wanted her, and be left alone with her boyfriend. This opening line is great. It makes a really strong hook, and I'm trying to figure out how to make it better, but it's tough. I will make a few points: the forgetting about no one wanting her is a little redundant, because obviously she's in an orphanage, but I actually like having it in there, because it gives the sentence better rhythm. The mention of her boyfriend feels a little vague, and tacked on, but after you read the entire query, you realize that's on purpose, and it kind of works. The pregnancy is a glitch, but she can figure that out later. LOVE it.

So I think this hook is quite good. It's only two short sentences, but we've got a decent idea of character, a bit of backstory, and an idea of what the conflict might be. If you make any changes to this, keep them subtle.

But Mrs. Simp, the director, is acting weird – homicidal weird. This is great, ups the stakes, except for one thing: I would change the "but" at the beginning to "yet" or "however" or something else. Not because it's bad grammar, bad grammar can be great for voice, but because you just ended the previous paragraph with a "but," and that makes it unclear what you're refuting.

To escape death at the hand of the once trusted employee, be careful here, I know you're talking about Mrs. Simp, but she wasn't Faith's employee, Faith flees through an ivy covered stone wall I would put an em-dash here, or at least a comma, and runs straight into another world.

There, a beautiful, strange woman named Uri is waiting. She promises a happy ending for Faith, her baby, and the boyfriend. I know we talked about this, but I think you need to clarify that the boyfriend is still back in the regular world. They can all come and live in paradise forever on one condition: Faith must follow the haunting woman deeper into the world behind the wall. It didn’t seem like much of a condition until you add in the flesh eating lake monster, city of faceless human replicas, and scorpions falling from treetops.

Colene and I discussed the use of the word "you" in a query. Strictly speaking, second person is frowned upon in query letters, but I think this instance is a little different. The unknown narrator of this query (which is an interesting point because often a narrator in a query can be the MC, even without writing in first person, or at least write with the voice of the MC) never truly addresses the reader directly, which would be breaking the fourth wall. Instead, she uses the "until you add" in a sort of colloquial, idiomatic version of "if one adds in ..."

I'll leave it up to you, dear readers, to disagree. Many of you are ever more experienced with these things than me.

As the adventure gets even freakier, Faith wants to go back. And Uri turns violent. In a rage, she burns an entire city and its inhabitants using only her will and demands possession of Faith’s unborn child in return for safe passage 'home'. Even with single quotes the period should go inside the quote, I believe. Otherwise, this is great. Quick, short, and to the point, yet it sets up very high stakes, and gives us an incredibly scary antagonist to worry about.

Faith must decide: give up the baby she didn't think she wanted in the first place to save her own life, or take up the machete and fight the all powerful, demented Uri for more than just her freedom.

I love when a query ends by summarizing a choice that must be made. Choice is at the heart of conflict, so this sums things up well. I also like that you got so specific with the machete. I mean that's weird, and totally unexpected that it wouldn't be a sword or some other normal weapon, which really entices me to want to read the pages. I need to know: why a machete?

INTO ADELLADARE is a 49,000 word fantasy horror novel for young adults.

I think you're off to incredible start here Cole. In my humble opinion this query is VERY close.

What do you guys think? As always, feel free to disagree with me! See you Monday.