Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Colene Murphy's Current Query

You guys know the drill by now, right? This is just Colene's query, sort of a chance for you to read it, and let the concept marinate in your grey matter for a while.

Tomorrow will be for feedback, so please wait until then to tear Colene a new one. Just kidding.

Oh, by the way, if you don't know Colene, go visit her blog, and follow it.


Dear Agent,

17-year-old Faith just wants to get out of the decrepit orphanage, forget no one wanted her, and be left alone with her boyfriend. The pregnancy is a glitch, but she can figure that out later.

But Mrs. Simp, the director, is acting weird – homicidal weird.

To escape death at the hand of the once trusted employee, Faith flees through an ivy covered stone wall and runs straight into another world.

There, a beautiful, strange woman named Uri is waiting. She promises a happy ending for Faith, her baby, and the boyfriend. They can all come and live in paradise forever on one condition: Faith must follow the haunting woman deeper into the world behind the wall. It didn’t seem like much of a condition until you add in the flesh eating lake monster, city of faceless human replicas, and scorpions falling from treetops.

As the adventure gets even freakier, Faith wants to go back. And Uri turns violent. In a rage, she burns an entire city and its inhabitants using only her will and demands possession of Faith’s unborn child in return for safe passage 'home'.

Faith must decide: give up the baby she didn't think she wanted in the first place to save her own life, or take up the machete and fight the all powerful, demented Uri for more than just her freedom.

INTO ADELLADARE is a 49,000 word fantasy horror novel for young adults.

This is going to be a tough one, because IMHO this is very close. I will try to give Colene what feedback I can tomorrow.

Thanks!

33 comments:

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Wow, no kidding. To me (which means zippo, btw), this is ready to go. So I can't wait to see how you make it ever better, Matt.

Love the voice.

Awesome job, Colene. I want to read the book. :D

Natalie Aguirre said...

Great query Colene. And your book sounds awesome.

Jess said...

This sounds great!

Katie Mills said...

This sounds fascinating- lots of high stakes and a really original premise! Can't wait to see your thoughts Matt!

Justine Dell said...

I'll be back tomorrow! Can't wait to see this one ;-)

~JD

Old Kitty said...

Oh now I'm scared! Bad Uri!! Take care
x

Michael G-G said...

I knew the query floodgates would open!

Can't wait to see what people have to say tomorrow. And thanks for believing that anything marinates in this here gray matter. You are so kind!

Colene Murphy said...

Thanks Matthew! Really appreciate you putting this up and everyones encouragement! Making it a little less scary! ;)

Carol Riggs said...

Thanks for featuring this query, Matthew! Great job, Colene! Not the query, which MAY need slight tweaking, but for the story--it makes me want to read it. If I were an agent, I'd request it! It has voice and a compelling storyline.

What? I can't say comments til tomorrow? I'll be busy tomorrow. Oh well.

Chris Phillips said...

looking forward to tomorrow.

Carol Riggs said...

Ok, Matthew said I could comment today, so I have Official Permission. LOL

My only comments were that the query may be a bit long overall, and naming Mrs. Simp doesn't seem to add much. (Oh, also, where IS the boyfriend--at the orphanage also? but maybe that's a detail that's not that important.)

Hmm, 49K is on the slight side for YA. My new agent, Kelly Sonnack, says 70K is the "sweet spot" for YA (no, mine's not that long either). But if an agent loves it, he/she might just ask you to flesh it out and make it longer.

Matthew MacNish said...

Carol got special permission, from moi, because she can't come back tomorrow. So don't go taking any liberties, the rest of you scallywags!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Wow! I really like this.

T C Mckee said...

Original madame Colene. Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds. I'll be back.

Patti said...

Can't wait to hear your critique, because it sounds pretty darn good to me.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

I want to read more, but my head is already spinning with this brief synopsis... Is the entire story this thick, or does the reader have time to absorb some of the storyline?

Abby Minard said...

Adding my encouragement to my bestie friendie crit partner! I'm waving my GO COLENE banners around all day today!!

Donea Lee said...

Matthew, as always - thanks for supporting the querying efforts of some awesome writers!

Colene - this concept ROCKS!! From the sense of "wants" I got from the writing conference I just attended, I'm guessing this will be up a lot of agent's alleys. GOOD LUCK!! I'll be back tomorrow! :)

Ellie said...

I've never written a query before but its seem great to me. I'll be tomorrow to read the crit!

Christina Lee said...

Wow what an interesting premise you've got going here!! Pregnant, orphaned, AND a secret world? Rock on, girl!

ali said...

Hmm. I'm marinating!

Cynthia Lee said...

This sounds really interesting and original. If I were an agent, I'd ask for pages definitely.

Anita said...

Oh! I have so much going on tomorrow...I might not get to this until late...I hope I still have something unique to add! Biting tongue until tomorrow. Ow.

Alison Stevens said...

I'm marinating, but I don't know that I'll have much to say... this looks really good! Time to dig through the archives as I start working on my query. :)

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

you know me, i'll be back

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Getting ideas already!

Jessica Bell said...

Sounds like a great book! Will be back tomorrow to see your take in it, Matt.

Michelle Merrill said...

Oh, this is great and Colene's awesome. She mentioned giving her query to you but I didn't know it was already up. I'll be back tomorrow for a few suggestions. Great job Colene :)

Theresa Milstein said...

I think it's written very well. It veers from the conventional 2-paragraph form, but that heightens tension.

Jennie Bailey said...

LOVE it, Colene! It makes me want to read the book. Again. ;-) I think it's really strong. Maybe a little tweaking, but you're very, very close.

Liz P said...

This sounds great! It's so exciting to finally get a peek at Colene's novel. I'll be back tomorrow!

Sarah said...

Intriguing premise and a great foundation! I'll be back tomorrow!

Lydia K said...

I think it's pretty good as is.
:)