Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Revised 2 - Critiqued

Ugh, work has been so nuts. It took me three days just to get back to this. Sorry, Abhinav! But hey, let's get right to work, right? My feedback, as usual, will be in blue.

The letter:

Dear [Agent Name]

Twenty-year-old Ah, I see you've changed this. Interesting. Should work. Indira Ramsay has studied her entire life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps I still get caught up on this. Corps is a military term, which means a division of an armed force. I get the feeling that's not what you mean here, but I'm not sure. That said, you've stuck with it through three revisions, so clearly you're committed to it. It should probably be fine. that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen, leaving Indira broken and dejected.

The very next day, Eldritch has gone missing and the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And Indira is among their first targets.

Marked for death as Eldritch's blood, Is this because he's a member of the council? If so, just say "Marked for death as the granddaughter of a councilman." she manages to survive her assailants and learn the truth of the enemy's schemes. How does she learn this? They plan to have Eldritch use his newfound power Which is? Do you mean more than just political power? and status to find the Empire's own hero, the man who defeated them Defeated who? Not the empire, since the empire is clearly still around. centuries ago and disappeared after; they plan to have Eldritch kill him. And for some reason, Eldritch is willing.

The Empire. Above humanity. Above justice. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. She will live by it.

As the heroes incite riots in the city and stir the underclass to rebellion, Indira will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch from carrying out the enemy's plan, she will save the Empire at any cost, even if it be Eldritch himself.

Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?

THE BURNT STATE is a dual-POV adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.

I have had a short story titled "The Warrior Boy Who Would Not Suffer" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. I am a member of the Codex Writers' Group, an online community of neo-pro speculative fiction writers.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Abhinav Bhat

This is getting very close! Definite improvements over previous versions. You still need to clarify a few sections of vague wording, but otherwise this is pretty darn good.

That's it!

Please thank Abhinav for sharing, and provide your feedback in the comments.

Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Revised 2

We first saw Abhinav's query, here, and then critiqued it, here. We saw Abhinav's revision, here, and then critiqued it, here. Now Abhinav is back with a new revision, so let's get right to it.

The letter:

Dear [Agent Name]

Twenty-year-old Indira Ramsay has studied her entire life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen, leaving Indira broken and dejected.

The very next day, Eldritch has gone missing and the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And Indira is among their first targets.

Marked for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to survive her assailants and learn the truth of the enemy's schemes. They plan to have Eldritch use his newfound power and status to find the Empire's own hero, the man who defeated them centuries ago and disappeared after; they plan to have Eldritch kill him. And for some reason, Eldritch is willing.

The Empire. Above humanity. Above justice. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her. She will live by it.

As the heroes incite riots in the city and stir the underclass to rebellion, Indira will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch from carrying out the enemy's plan, she will save the Empire at any cost.

Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?

THE BURNT STATE is a dual-POV adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.

I have had a short story titled "The Warrior Boy Who Would Not Suffer" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. I am a member of the Codex Writers' Group, an online community of neo-pro speculative fiction writers.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Abhinav Bhat

That's it!

Please thank Abhinav for sharing, and save your feedback until I have time to put the critique up.

Todd Noker's Current Query Revised - Critiqued

Sorry, Todd! Yesterday was nuts at work, so I didn't get to this. But here it is today! Here is Todd's revised query for TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear (Agent),

Preston Taylor is wise-ass seventeen-year-old who thinks he is smarter than the homeless-teens why is this hyphenated? he encounters in Salt Lake City, because his problems aren’t permanent—but he eventually learns that he is just like them. He’s looking for his adult brother who moved out years ago to flee from their mother’s heroin addiction. When she disappears after another binge, Preston is on his own. The street-kids also this? he meets abuse drugs, eat whatever they can find, and sell their bodies to survive. He doesn’t give a damn about their problems at first, because he is above their plight—he knows that his brother will take him in. I would probably cut this. It probably works fine in the manuscript, as Preston's character arc has more time to develop there, but in the query this just makes him sound like an asshole. When he befriends Zack Ellison, a young street-wise prostitute, Hmm. Is Zack truly a professional sex worker? Or does he turn the occasional trick out of desperation? I suppose it depends on the story, but if he's underage, I'd be careful about how you label him. Preston starts to feel like a big brother himself. Cut this too. You're just bogging down the conflict at this point. Preston makes it to his brother’s last known address only to find that he has moved, leaving him permanently homeless. When Zack begs him to accompany him as a lookout on a date with a notorious John, Preston reluctantly agrees. Zack emerges from the trick broken and bleeding, and despite Preston’s attempt to save him, he disappears into the night and is never seen again.

The biggest problem I have with this, honestly, at least at first glance, is that this is one giant chunk of text. This one paragraph is 188 words long. Can you break it up anywhere? Maybe after "... his brother will take him in?"

Otherwise, this is certainly an improvement, but you might want to re-arrange things here and there, and try to tighten it up a bit. Maybe something like:

"Seventeen-year-old wise-ass Preston Taylor assumes he's smarter than the homeless teens that choke the alleys and gutters of downtown Salt Lake, because his personal housing crisis isn't permanent, but when he can't find his adult brother after their mother disappears on another black tar heroin binge, he quickly discovers exactly how much they have in common."

It's kind of a long sentence, I know, and you can probably do better, and make it in your own voice, but the point I'm trying to make here is that you can convey much more specificity in far fewer words, if you think about how to present and order the information. Also, avoid state-of-being verbs if you can. Avoid them in all your writing wherever possible. They're just boring.

People look away from desperate teens in this beautiful city with its the pristine Mormon temple at the center its heart, and it pisses Preston off. He must even the score with this John even if it jeopardizes his survival risks/endangers his life?. He arranges a date and, while fighting to not be violently assaulted defending himself from a violent assault like Zack's, accidentally kills him the man. Preston’s tragedy is the evidence that he feels everyone in this city must see, even if it means sacrificing his life.

Why is it sacrificing his life? Didn't he just defend his own life? If you mean turning himself in, he might not be charged, and even if he was, that would only cost him his freedom, not his life.

TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS is a 61,000 word YA manuscript. An earlier version of this story won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.

I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.

The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Todd Noker

In summary, this is definitely an improvement. You've got a better sense of Preston as a character, and the conflict he finds himself caught up in is much clearer here. Mainly, what I see this query needing at this point is mostly just a copy editor's eye. You've got some extraneous information that isn't really necessary, and the sentences are sometimes a little bloated or unclear. But all in all I think this is pretty good, and it's much more obvious now that you have a compelling premise on your hands.

That's it!

Please thank Todd for sharing this with us, and let us know what you think in the comments.

Todd Noker's Current Query Revised

Today we have Todd's query for TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS again, which you first saw here, and I critiqued, here, this time with Todd's revisions.

The letter:

Dear (Agent),

Preston Taylor is wise-ass seventeen-year-old who thinks he is smarter than the homeless-teens he encounters in Salt Lake City, because his problems aren’t permanent—but he eventually learns that he is just like them. He’s looking for his adult brother who moved out years ago to flee from their mother’s heroin addiction. When she disappears after another binge, Preston is on his own. The street-kids he meets abuse drugs, eat whatever they can find, and sell their bodies to survive. He doesn’t give a damn about their problems at first, because he is above their plight—he knows that his brother will take him in. When he befriends Zack Ellison, a young street-wise prostitute, Preston starts to feel like a big brother himself. Preston makes it to his brother’s last known address only to find that he has moved, leaving him permanently homeless. When Zack begs him to accompany him as a lookout on a date with a notorious John, Preston reluctantly agrees. Zack emerges from the trick broken and bleeding, and despite Preston’s attempt to save him, he disappears into the night and is never seen again.

People look away from desperate teens in this beautiful city with its pristine Mormon temple at the center, and it pisses Preston off. He must even the score with this John even if it jeopardizes his survival. He arranges a date and, while fighting to not be violently assaulted like Zack, kills him. Preston’s tragedy is the evidence that he feels everyone in this city must see, even if it means sacrificing his life.

TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS is a 61,000 word YA manuscript. An earlier version of this story won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.

I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.

The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Todd Noker

That's it!

Please thank Todd for sharing again, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Revised - Critiqued

Okay, today we have Abhinav's revised letter again, and questions, and I'm actually going to answer the questions first:

Questions, with my replies in blue:

I have been told on quite a few forums that the POV shift from Indy to Eldritch to Indy is jarring and unrequired and that I should be writing in one POV only. And that it should be Indy only. Does the shift work given that this is a dual POV novel?

I think the query should be written from only one POV. You can always mention the alternating POVs in your housekeeping section. There are, of course, probably queries out there that break this "rule" and break it well and make it work, but it's difficult, and non-standard, and queries are hard enough to get right already. As for whether the query should focus on Indy or Eldritch, well... that would depend on the manuscript, but it seems to work pretty well focusing, or at least starting with, Indy.

Many people are getting confused at the entire family being murdered and grandson left over, thinking that Indy's dead. I've added a clarification in brackets. Does it work?

Yeah it's definitely a little confusing as it's written. I will try to cover this in the critique below.

Is my novel YA or Adult? The tone of my novel is distinctly adult I feel. But others say that if the protagonist is teenage, then it's YA, even though I've two protagonists, but then if I have two protagonists, it can't be YA others say. I've been advised to up the age from teenage to twenty to make it adult. I'm confused. Please advise.

This is hard to say for certain without having read the manuscript, but don't let anyone tell you that just because your manuscript has one protagonist and/or narrator that is a teenager that automatically makes it a YA book. That's entirely inaccurate. Read All the Pretty Horses, by Cormac McCarthy, or The Name of the Wind, by Patrick Rothfuss if you want to see two excellent examples of books with teenaged protagonists which are definitely not YA novels. The Rothfuss book is something you should almost certainly read, if you haven't, since it is also fantasy.

Again, I can't say for certain without having read your manuscript, but this sounds like Adult Epic Fantasy to me.

Anyway, let's move on to the revised letter, with my feedback in blue.

The query:

Dear Agent

Indy Ramsay has studied her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite civil corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.

I won't rehash what I said the last time I critiqued this, but as far as I can tell, only one word in this opening paragraph has changed. You added "civil" to "elite corps." I don't think that was the biggest problem with this opening before. The problem, as I see it, is that you jump right into what starts happening to and around Indy, without taking the time to properly introduce her first. How old is she? What kind of person is she? Why should we care whether she succeeds?

The very next day, the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And the Ramsay household is among their first targets.

This is much better than before. Could still use a bit more info about these heroes, but this is a big improvement.

Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson, who has been taken prisoner. (Indy is presumed dead.) He presumes Indy has been killed along with the others. He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.

This is ... too many ... ellipses for a query--avoid em-dashes too, if you can. They don't format well in email. Otherwise, this is good, but the prose kind of drags on. See if you can tighten it up. Short, clear, specific sentences, if you can.

Unbeknownst to Eldritch, Indy is also alive. This is somewhat redundant. You already said he presumes she's dead. Maybe something like "Yet Indy was not among the victims." Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she instead manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for Eldritch to betray the Empire.

The Empire. Above humanity. Above her brother. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her.

She will live by it.

The rest of this is pretty good.

As the heroes incite riots in the city and the underclass rises up in rebellion against the Council, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.

Even if the cost be Eldritch himself. I don't think you need this. It's pretty clearly implied.

THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather as seen narrated from their alternating points of view. It is complete at 113,000 words.

So, in summary, this is a marked improvement. The conflict in the middle is still a bit muddied, but it's much clearer than it was. The biggest thing you should still work on is introducing Indy earlier and better, so that readers know more about her character, and can sympathize with her more easily.

That's it!

Please share your thoughts below.

Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Revised

We first saw Abhinav's query, here, and then critiqued it, here. Now Abhinav is back with a revision, so let's get right to it.

The letter:

Dear Agent

Indy Ramsay has studied her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite civil corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.

The very next day, the city is under attack. The exiled heroes of a hundred subjugated races have returned, and they will see the Empire burn. And the Ramsay household is among their first targets.

Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. (Indy is presumed dead.) He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.

Unbeknownst to Eldritch, Indy is also alive. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for Eldritch to betray the Empire.

The Empire. Above humanity. Above her brother. Above all else. This is what Eldritch has taught her.

She will live by it.

As the heroes incite riots in the city and the underclass rises up in rebellion against the Council, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.

Even if the cost be Eldritch himself.

THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather as seen from their points of view. It is complete at 113,000 words.

That's it!

Except Abhinav also asks a few questions:

I have been told on quite a few forums that the POV shift from Indy to Eldritch to Indy is jarring and unrequired and that I should be writing in one POV only. And that it should be Indy only. Does the shift work given that this is a dual POV novel?

Many people are getting confused at the entire family being murdered and grandson left over, thinking that Indy's dead. I've added a clarification in brackets. Does it work?

Is my novel YA or Adult? The tone of my novel is distinctly adult I feel. But others say that if the protagonist is teenage, then it's YA, even though I've two protagonists, but then if I have two protagonists, it can't be YA others say. I've been advised to up the age from teenage to twenty to make it adult. I'm confused. Please advise.

Which I will get to tomorrow! Otherwise, please thank Abhinav for sharing this with us, and save your feedback until then!

Maria Anna Witt's Current Query Critiqued

Here is Maria's query for CREEPY BOY again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The query:

Dear Ms/r (Agent Name)

I hope to interest you in my first novel, You don't need any of this. It's implied and understood, or in the case of this being your first, unnecessary. CREEPY BOY which explores the power of belief, in a psychological spin of FREAKY FRIDAY with a dark comic book twist. This isn't bad, but you could probably save this for the end.

I would recommend you start your query here. With the CHARACTER. The protagonist is the most important character in any story, and the concept of CHARACTER is the most important aspect of almost every great query letter I've ever seen (there are exceptions, but it's rare). Give us a person to relate to, who we can sympathize with, right away. Otherwise, it doesn't matter how cool whatever happens is, because we won't care. Kelsey’s visions of a perfect Senior year go up in flames the night her boyfriend Dave crashes his car. This isn't bad, but this is all plot, or maybe even backstory. Try to introduce more about what kind of person Kelsey is first. Even his daring rescue of one of the passengers can’t erase the fact that he’d been drinking and driving. Was the care on fire, like literally up in flames? If so, say that. Otherwise it's kind of hard to picture rescuing someone from a car accident. With Dave banished to an aunt’s farm for the summer, Kelsey’s stuck wishing she had warned him of her eerie premonition. Now this I like. I hope you explain more later.

Kelsey knows Dave is facing lifelong guilt and strict terms of probation when they return to school in the fall. But she wishes he hadn’t appointed himself personal protector to Calvin, left disfigured and an amputee, by the accident. She can’t forget her dreams that predicted Calvin’s fate, or the feeling of danger she gets when she sees his secret artwork.

Calvin’s art is beautiful and disturbing: a comic book series depicting himself as an Angel of Death with the ability to swap souls, and Dave as his arch-nemesis. Accusing a brain-damaged accident victim of a supernatural revenge plot won’t get win? Kelsey any points for popularity or sanity, or restore her interrupted relationship with Dave. As Kelsey’s developing obsession with Calvin turns from fear to fascination, she becomes more convinced she has a psychic connection with him.

Since the day of the accident, Calvin’s been practicing the superpowers from his stories, with the goal of swapping his broken life for Dave’s life of wealth and privilege. But he can feel Kelsey closing in on him, and she’s getting too close to the truth. Making her part of his revenge is a surefire way to stop her, and when Calvin successfully takes over Kelsey’s body, his story becomes horrifyingly real. Wait, what? Now it sounds like this is being told from Calvin's point of view. Is that on purpose? I do see below that the manuscript alternates POVs, but don't do that in the query. Or at least, not like this. Whichever character is more important, stick to that POV. You can certainly describe what Calvin goes through, but it needs to be from Kelsey's POV, otherwise it gets confusing.

Now, that being said, plot-wise this is pretty cool. This query is too long at this point (the "meat" is 350 words, and you should try to keep that part under 250 if you can) but if you can figure out a way to convey this info more quickly, you'd be in good shape.

Now there’s more than Kelsey’s reputation at stake. Dave’s worst enemy is using her body to get his ultimate revenge, and Kelsey is trapped inside Calvin’s damaged body, struggling to communicate. Instead of trying to get back together with Dave, Kelsey has to convince him that the girl he thinks he’s falling for is a deadly threat. To stop Calvin, she’s going to need to overcome his supernatural abilities and uncover the truth about what really happened the night of the accident. This is kind of frustrating, because while it's confusing to read and consider, it also sounds like an incredibly cool story. Hopefully you can think of a way to clarify this a bit.

CREEPY BOY is an 85,000 word Contemporary Young Adult novel with supernatural elements. It’s told in the alternating POV of Kelsey and Calvin, with plenty of twists and turns that keep the reader guessing. I’m seeking representation with the goal of pursuing a writing career, as I have other works in progress. You don't need this. It's generally understood that you wouldn't be querying if you hadn't been writing long enough to be confident enough in your work to be sending it out, and even if this is technically the first manuscript you finished, you don't need to bring that up. Otherwise, this housekeeping section is good.

Okay, so in summary, this query does need a bit of work, but it's clear you have an awesome story to tell, so that's helpful.

Not every query letter has to be the same, of course, but in general the ones that work focus on a few basic elements that help them stand out.

CHARACTER. As I said above, nothing in STORY is more important than CHARACTER, and therefore obviously nothing is more important in a query. We know nothing about Kelsey. What kind of person is she? How old is she? Is she a cheerleader? A stoner? A punk? A goth? Obviously you don't want to shoehorn her into some stereotype, but there's a reason that archetypes work, and it can help the reader get a better sense of who is she before her story starts and therefore care about whether she succeeds when it comes to ...

CONFLICT. You could also just say plot, but CONFLICT is the second most important thing in STORY, and so, yeah you get it. You actually have a pretty excellent sense of the conflict set up here. Dave wounds Calvin, Calvin wants revenge, Calvin has powers, so Calvin switches bodies with Dave's girlfriend Kelsey. I mean, there's more to it than that, but that's basically it. You just need to figure out a way to convey that in less than 250 words. You've got the threads here, you just need to expose them a bit more succinctly.

CHOICE. This isn't really required, and it's far less important than the two elements before it, but good query letters often end of what's called a sadistic choice (that's a TVTropes link, you've been warned), the kind of thing that it's nearly impossible for a character to decide about, and therefore makes the reader (hopefully the agent's assistant) have no choice but to want to read the pages.

Those are the three main elements, but there are a couple of other common things like an inciting incident which turns an innocent world into an exciting new one (I get the feeling that is your car accident, unless that's backstory), and you've got that pretty clear here, but basically what you want to try to do is come up with something relatively similar to this:

Opening paragraph introduces very sympathetic protagonist, and we readers care about her right away and want her to win. Then once we know who she is, you can finish the paragraph by telling us what starts to happen to her, or in other words what the inciting incident is.

Second paragraph covers the main conflict. Introduce the antagonist here, and explain what they want and why/how it goes against what the protagonist wants. Be specific. Nothing damages a decent query more than vagueness.

Final paragraph (this is of the "meat" part of the query, your "housekeeping/bio/personalization" section can be another paragraph or two, but keep the "meat" to 250 words or less if you can) covers the sadistic choice, or at least makes clear what the protagonist must accomplish in order to succeed or win or at least survive the conflict.

All in all, you've got all the elements here. You just need to introduce Kelsey as a character more, and sooner, and then you need to pare down your description of the conflict so that it packs much more punch. The premise of this story is obviously really cool, it's just muddied by the confusing way it's described.

That's it!

What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.

Maria Anna Witt's Current Query

Today we have Maria Anna Witt's query for her YA novel CREEPY BOY.

Here's the letter:

Dear Ms/r (Agent Name)

I hope to interest you in my first novel, CREEPY BOY which explores the power of belief, in a psychological spin of FREAKY FRIDAY with a dark comic book twist.

Kelsey’s visions of a perfect Senior year go up in flames the night her boyfriend Dave crashes his car. Even his daring rescue of one of the passengers can’t erase the fact that he’d been drinking and driving. With Dave banished to an aunt’s farm for the summer, Kelsey’s stuck wishing she had warned him of her eerie premonition.

Kelsey knows Dave is facing lifelong guilt and strict terms of probation when they return to school in the fall. But she wishes he hadn’t appointed himself personal protector to Calvin, left disfigured and an amputee, by the accident. She can’t forget her dreams that predicted Calvin’s fate, or the feeling of danger she gets when she sees his secret artwork.

Calvin’s art is beautiful and disturbing: a comic book series depicting himself as an Angel of Death with the ability to swap souls, and Dave as his arch-nemesis. Accusing a brain-damaged accident victim of a supernatural revenge plot won’t get Kelsey any points for popularity or sanity, or restore her interrupted relationship with Dave. As Kelsey’s developing obsession with Calvin turns from fear to fascination, she becomes more convinced she has a psychic connection with him.

Since the day of the accident, Calvin’s been practicing the superpowers from his stories, with the goal of swapping his broken life for Dave’s life of wealth and privilege. But he can feel Kelsey closing in on him, and she’s getting too close to the truth. Making her part of his revenge is a surefire way to stop her, and when Calvin successfully takes over Kelsey’s body, his story becomes horrifyingly real.

Now there’s more than Kelsey’s reputation at stake. Dave’s worst enemy is using her body to get his ultimate revenge, and Kelsey is trapped inside Calvin’s damaged body, struggling to communicate. Instead of trying to get back together with Dave, Kelsey has to convince him that the girl he thinks he’s falling for is a deadly threat. To stop Calvin, she’s going to need to overcome his supernatural abilities and uncover the truth about what really happened the night of the accident.

CREEPY BOY is an 85,000 word Contemporary Young Adult novel with supernatural elements. It’s told in the alternating POV of Kelsey and Calvin, with plenty of twists and turns that keep the reader guessing. I’m seeking representation with the goal of pursuing a writing career, as I have other works in progress.

That's it!

Please thank Maria for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

Todd Noker's Current Query Critiqued

So sorry about yesterday, Todd! Things got crazy at work and I didn't have time to put your critique up. But here it is now! This critique is for Todd Noker's query for his current YA novel TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS, from Thursday. My feedback will be in blue.

Here's the letter:

Dear (Agent),

Seventeen-year-old Preston is on a journey to find his older brother, the only family he has left after his mother disappeared on a drug binge. Searching among the homeless teen homeless-teen subculture of Salt Lake City, Preston is witness to drug overdoses, I would like to see more here. Overdoses are not the only tragedy that homeless kids suffer under. There is hunger, there is violence, there is sexual assault. Maybe just mention one or two other things? You've got plenty of room. and ultimately befriends Zack, who sells his body to survive. This is most excellent and you must read BROOKLYN, BURNING, by Steve Brezenoff. When Zack disappears after a tryst I don't care for this word here at all. Tryst implies a plan to meet, between lovers. Unless Zack is actually in love with the John he turns the trick with, I don't think tryst is the right word here. Is it a new customer? Someone he has serviced before? I would really like to see more specifics here. with a customer, Preston plans his revenge to even the score. Again, more. I get the impression from below that Preston decides to start turning tricks too, or least pretending to, so if that's the case just say so. But the man Normally I want the antagonist named, but I think this works. The only thing I need to know is whether this John purchased Zack's services often, or if this was the first time. has plenty of experience of his own, and Preston is locked in a situation where he might also be consumed in the same way as Zack—if he survives the date at all. This is actually pretty good. A bit vague, but I think it's probably important that we don't know whether Zack was killed or not.

Okay, wow. So, first of all, this may be the shortest query I've ever seen. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and realistic contemporary stories like this tend to require less in a query, so that's basically all good news.

It is, however, lacking some important things. First of all, the most important thing in any query letter is the CHARACTER. We have a good bit of backstory for Preston, and a missing addict mother certainly makes him a sympathetic character, but there are two things I think can be improved on here: 1) "find his older brother?" So, the brother is missing too? Not that that's impossible, but it feels a bit convenient for the brother to also go missing at the same time as the mom. Am I misunderstanding here? Why is he on a journey to find his older brother? If the brother was taken away by the state (oh by the way, I'm sure you have since I know you from Drew, but if you haven't you also must read STICK, by Andrew Smith), or might be on his way back from juvie or something, go ahead and put that in the query. Specificity is the key to a good query. 2) We know a good bit about where Preston came from, or at least his backstory, but we know nothing about what kind of person he is. Is he a delinquent before this story starts? Or does he lose his innocence on the streets? We need to sympathize with Preston right away, and be able to start rooting for him right off the bat. Just a couple of words about his CHARACTER in that first line would really help. You can see my query for RUNNING FROM RUBY RIDGE to see what I did to introduce Micah.

Otherwise, this query has some loose ends, regarding the mother and the brother, that never get wrapped up, but that's probably fine. You don't have to give away endings, and it seems like the vengeance for Zack is probably the climax.

Terms of the Innocents TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS (great title, by the way) is a 61,000 word YA manuscript that, while having a sarcastic tone, is gritty and intense. This is probably subjective, but I would cut this. Don't tell the agent what the prose is like, show them. The query should do that even if you don't get to include 5 pages. Preston is a compassionate wise-ass who feels that he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters, Um, HELLO!?! Put this in the query up top right away. This is perfect. but eventually learns he is just like them. This too. An earlier version of this novel story/manuscript won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.

I have two other titles published on iUniverse iUniverse, and one title published by their Star Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. Can you make this a hyperlink to something? Maybe this(link)? I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.

This is great. Agents love signing writers that already have a platform this well established.

The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Readers, Todd mentioned in his email to me that he doesn't include this line with every query. Obviously this only goes out to agents that ask for pages in their submission guidelines.

Sincerely,

Todd Noker

Okay, man. In summary: first of all I just want to say I really want to read this novel. Having been homeless as a teenager myself, I very much want to see that experience explored more often in literature, and I think the story you're describing here sounds like an important and compelling one. I can't wait to hear the good news that you have sold this manuscript!

As for the query, it needs some work in places, but the good news is that you have plenty of room to include more (for those who don't know, I recommend keeping the "meat of the query" or in other words, the part that describes the story itself (not your bio, or the housekeeping details about the manuscript like word count and genre) to under 250 words. Todd's is 104 words long, so that's plenty of room to work with).

I would recommend that you especially focus on Preston, but you've kind of done your work for yourself already. Try an opening sentence that starts something like this (though in your voice, not mine):

"Seventeen-year-old Preston [Last Name] is a wise-cracking [skateboarder/graffiti artist/gutter punk] who thinks he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters on the streets of SLC. But when his mother disappears on another bender, he decides it’s finally time to search for his older brother who [insert why the brother’s gone], he discovers that most of them are just like him, with struggles and triumphs all their own."

Except, of course, better than that and in your own words.

Other than that opening with a better sense of who Preston is before his story starts, I'd like to see a better explanation of Zack's relationship with the John I assume is the antagonist, and if you can clarify that, I think you'd be in great shape here.

Let me know if you have any questions.

That's it!

What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.

Todd Noker's Current Query

Today we have Todd Noker's query for his current YA novel TERMS OF THE INNOCENTS.

Here's the letter:

Dear (Agent),

Seventeen-year-old Preston is on a journey to find his older brother, the only family he has left after his mother disappeared on a drug binge. Searching among the homeless teen subculture of Salt Lake City, Preston is witness to drug overdoses, and ultimately befriends Zack, who sells his body to survive. When Zack disappears after a tryst with a customer, Preston plans his revenge to even the score. But the man has plenty of experience of his own, and Preston is locked in a situation where he might also be consumed in the same way as Zack—if he survives the date at all.

Terms of the Innocents is a 61,000 word YA manuscript that, while having a sarcastic tone, is gritty and intense. Preston is a compassionate wise-ass who feels that he is smarter than the homeless teens he encounters, but eventually learns he is just like them. An earlier version of this novel won second place in the Utah Arts Council Creative Writing Competition.

I have two other titles published on iUniverse, and one title published by their Star imprint. I write commercial and radio copy, and am a well-known radio personality in Salt Lake City under the name Todd Nuke ‘Em. I have done presentations for the Utah Library Association and the Salt Lake City Library for my previous books.

The first five pages are below, and the entire manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Todd Noker

That's it!

Please thank Todd for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

Abhinav Bhat's Current Query Critiqued

Today we have Abhinav's query again, this time with my thoughts, in blue.

Here's the letter:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent

Indy Ramsay has trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps What is this? Corps makes it sound pretty militaristic. Is this Empire under military control? Or this more like a congress of leaders? The word council helps, but it would be great if you could get even more specific. This is actually pretty nit-picky of me, to be honest, but your opening is quite good, so it's difficult to find things that can be improved upon. that runs the Ever Empire. I really like this name. It rolls smoothly off the tongue. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, Is this a bit too on the nose? This is a word, albeit a kind of archaic one, but I'm sure you know that. Hard to judge from the query, but I'm sure it works in the book. who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy. Hmm. Wow. Now that's a twist I didn't see coming.

All in all, this is a really good opening. You introduce Indy right away, and you subtly and skillfully set up her backstory so that we know what kind of person she is (ambitious, dutiful, honor-bound). If I was to nit-pick one big picture item about this opening, it would probably be that we don't really have a major reason to sympathize with Indy right away. I mean, you do kind of set up this nice conflict where her dreams are suddenly torn away from her, but it would be nice to get one more element of her character that was clearly sympathetic, so that we could root for her from the very beginning.

The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; What does this mean? Like literally? Physically under siege? This is vague. Vague language is the greatest enemy of a good query. the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament So there's a Reverend Council and a Parliament? Or is the Parliament just the building the Council meets in? For the most part this is all very good, but this part is a bit confusing. stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson. Wait, what? I though Indy was a girl? Is this some other character?

He will get his grandson back, he is told, By whom? The unknown enemy? Unless there's some specific plot twist reason not to reveal this detail in the query, don't hold back. if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Man, this is some great conflict and a truly sadistic choice. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Whoa. Now this sounds cool. Let them save whoever they can.

Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive. Ah, okay. So it's two different characters. Got it. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants Again, this is vague. We have no idea who these antagonists are. and learn of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.

Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her.

She will live by it. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might We have no idea what this means. Be specific. Is it an army? to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, Oh, interesting twist, this. she will save the Empire at any cost.

Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself? Nice.

THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words. This is great. One more detail that might help, since the query isn't clear on this, is whether this book is narrated from their alternating points of view. If I had to guess, I would say it probably is, because A) Indy is a teenager and if it was just her it would be a young adult novel most likely, and B) the query seems to point to a good deal of the story being about Eldritch, with no involvement from Indy. It can sometimes help to clarify that her in your housekeeping section, but it's not necessarily required.

I have had a short story titled "Blah Blah Blah" published in Apex Magazine Apex Magazine in 2016. This is my first novel. You don't need this.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Abhinav Bhat

In summary, this query is already quite good. The opening is especially strong. There is a good deal of vague language in the middle, but you finish up strong, and I think if you clarified a few things in the middle, you'd be in excellent shape, and would probably get a high rate of requests if you started sending this out.

That's it!

What do you think? Please share your thoughts and feedback below.

Abhinav Bhat's Current Query

Today we have Abhinav Bhat's query for his current Adult Fantasy project THE BURNT STATE.

Here's the letter:

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent

Indy Ramsay has trained her entire teenage life for the day she would be recruited to the Reverend Council—the elite corps that runs the Ever Empire. Instead, it is her grandfather, Eldritch, who is inexplicably chosen and then promptly sent away on a mission, leaving behind a shattered and dejected Indy.

The very next day, the Council is under siege from an unknown enemy; the annual market has been burnt to cinders, the Parliament stands destroyed in an earthquake, and Eldritch returns home to find his entire family murdered, all except his grandson.

He will get his grandson back, he is told, if he betrays the Empire—a simple act . . . Millions of lives weighed against his grandson. Eldritch wants to not care . . . The Empire has heroes and patriots and omniscient deities enough. Let them save whoever they can.

Unbeknownst to him, Indy is also alive. Targeted for death as Eldritch's blood, she manages to defeat her assailants and learn of the enemy's plan for the Empire and Eldritch.

Humanity, kindness, justice, and above all else, the Empire. This is what Eldritch has taught her.

She will live by it. As riots rage throughout the city and the enemy brings its true might to bear upon the Empire, Indy will prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation she was denied. She will find and stop Eldritch, she will save the Empire at any cost.

Then what if the cost be Eldritch himself?

THE BURNT STATE is an adult fantasy novel about a girl and her grandfather, and the Empire that tilts on their decisions. It is complete at 113,000 words.

I have had a short story titled "Blah Blah Blah" published in Apex Magazine in 2016. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Abhinav Bhat

That's it!

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Colleen Fackler's Current Query Critiqued

Today we have Colleen Fackler's current query for her Picture Book GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH.

The query:

Dear FULL NAME:

This may very from agent to agent, because after all, agents are human beings, but it would be most professional, in a cold query email, to refer to the agent as Ms. LAST NAME or Mr. LAST NAME. If they reply to you at some point and sign it with just their first name, it's fine to start referring to them by their first name, but until then, use Mr. or Ms.

Below is Good Guy Meets Schmoosh, my 500-word picture book for your consideration.

What does this mean? Are you trying to point out that the entire text of the book is included below? If so, mention that below, not here (and be sure to adhere to submission guidelines for the agency, to make sure they allow the entire text to be included). If not, and this is just some sort of introductory line to your query, skip it.

I would recommend you use this space, however, to introduce why you're querying that specific agent. Obviously you can't include it here, because this is a generic letter, but if you are querying a particular agent because of a specific book or author they have represented, or because you met them at a conference, or because you read a blog post of theirs you liked, be sure to mention that.

Good Guy Meets Schmoosh GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH is the heartwarming This reads as a little pretentious to me. I don't know, maybe "heartwarming" is a category for PBs, like "Sweet Romance" or something, but calling something you wrote "heartwarming" just makes me cringe a little. The entire text of the story is included, right? Maybe let the agent decide if it's heartwarming. Unless that's a category thing for PBs. If so, ignore me. story of Guy, a young boy who is rewarded by his parents for his consistently moral behavior Don't take this the wrong way, but that's the driest character description I've seen in a query in a while. "Consistent Moral Behavior," sounds like something that would be fitted to a rubber stamp that would go down on "Your Permanent Record." Can you be more specific? And colorful? I realize this is a picture book, so there's not a lot in the way of character arc going on, but this reads very dry. I'll say more below. with the opportunity to purchase a puppy. On his way to the pet store, Guy spots a stray dog that he cannot stop thinking about, even once faced with puppies galore. His mom, initially concerned with the potential danger associated with rescuing a dog, is hesitant to introduce Guy to a stray, but soon realizes that Guy wants nothing more than to save Schmoosh from a lonely life on the streets.

Okay, so much of this is actually pretty good. I realize that PBs are very compact by way of plot, and leave little room for things like characterization, but you've actually got some good stuff going here, both in terms of the mom, and in terms of Guy. I would probably only recommend (and keep in mind, as I said in our emails, that my expertise, if you can call it that, with query letters really lies more int he realm of YA and MG novel length works, so I could easily be wrong about the "rules" for Picture Books), that in general, story is story, and when it comes to queries, there are three things which are the most important (actually only two, but I'll get to that).

CHARACTER. When we read, all of us who are human at least, we want to be entertained, sure, but mostly we want to care. Give us someone to care about, and we will follow you anywhere. So, with that being said, the most important thing any query letter can do is introduce us to a complex, sympathetic, interesting character (protagonist) that we can immediately begin to care about and root for right away. You have Guy here, and with his reaction to the stray on the street I do like him, but get that Save the Cat moment (or some other likable moment) introduced in the query right away. In other words, do away with "Consistent Moral Behavior," and come up with something better. Something more specific, more vivid, and more interesting (but unlike the moment with the stray, this is something from his backstory, something that makes him GOOD Guy, rather than just Guy). Obviously this won't be something actually from the book, since this is a 500 word PB, but it can be something very basic, as long as its not vague. Vagueness is the number one aspect that can make a good story into a poor query.

CONFLICT. When you take a character the reader cares about, and throw them into some conflict, that's when it becomes a story. The character must overcome something in order to make their narrative interesting. You've clearly got that here, with the decision between purchasing a pet store puppy and saving a stray from the street who needs a home, and I actually think you nail it quite well here. It's simple, it's straightforward, it's the kind of decision many many people have faced.

CHOICE. In a query for a novel length work, it's relatively standard to wrap up with what's known as a sadistic choice [Fair Warning that's a link to a TV Tropes article. You've been warned]. I don't know that that's really a requirement for Picture Books, but you've actually got one built in here already. At least, it's implied. You might consider laying it out specifically, the difficult choice Guy must make between an adorable Poky Little Puppy, and and good family-less dog named Schmoosh who truly needs his love, and what some of the implications of that choice are, but I would also say if you left it how you have it now it's not bad.

Each year, of the 7.5 million animals that even make it into rescue shelters, 2.7 million are euthanized. A stigma of poor upbringing and therefore danger and illness is often associated with rescuing a homeless animal. Families often opt to buy puppies or kittens from breeders instead. Good Guy Meets Schmoosh aims to kick this reputation to the curb.

This is mostly good. I would do a little research on the phrase "kicked to the curb," though. I'm not sure it fits that well with the aesthetic of the rest of this letter.

Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is my first children’s book. I am 30 years old, I just had my first child in July, and CUT THIS. I have worked in the media industry for 12 years. Doing what? Be SPECIFIC. I have been published in the form of editorials, church bulletins, If you can't list specific magazine titles (which would go in italics for titles of published works, then skip this). and work-related POV’s, I have no idea what this means. Cut it. but I always only written poetry as an outlet. Cut. I'll explain below. As a rescue dog mom myself, if the success of this book saves even just one homeless animal’s life, it was worth my time. This is pretty good. Keep this last line.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a first time author. Agents sign them every day. If you have excellent and extensive writing credentials, and dozens of magazine article and short story credits to your name, that's great. But if you don't, don't worry about it. No biography, no matter how good it is, is going to sell a bad story. If you're a first time author, let your story speak for itself.

This is a multiple submission. Nope. Cut. This is understood to be implied. If an agency's (or an agent's) submission guidelines specifically ask for exclusive submissions, then send a query only to that agent if you want them to represent you. Do not query anyone else until you have heard back from them. But weigh this choice against your other options, of course, and don't give them forever. I truly look forward to your feedback and I thank you kindly for your review and consideration.

Respectfully,

Colleen M. Fackler

That's it!

Please share your thoughts and feedback below.

Colleen Fackler's Current Query

Today we have Colleen Fackler's query for her current PB project GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH.

Here's the letter:

Dear FULL NAME:

Below is Good Guy Meets Schmoosh, my 500-word picture book for your consideration.

Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is the heartwarming story of Guy, a young boy who is rewarded by his parents for his consistently moral behavior with the opportunity to purchase a puppy. On his way to the pet store, Guy spots a stray dog that he cannot stop thinking about, even once faced with puppies galore. His mom, initially concerned with the potential danger associated with rescuing a dog, is hesitant to introduce Guy to a stray, but soon realizes that Guy wants nothing more than to save Schmoosh from a lonely life on the streets.

Each year, of the 7.5 million animals that even make it into rescue shelters, 2.7 million are euthanized. A stigma of poor upbringing and therefore danger and illness is often associated with rescuing a homeless animal. Families often opt to buy puppies or kittens from breeders instead. Good Guy Meets Schmoosh aims to kick this reputation to the curb.

Good Guy Meets Schmoosh is my first children’s book. I am 30 years old, I just had my first child in July, and I have worked in the media industry for 12 years. I have been published in the form of editorials, church bulletins, and work-related POV’s, but I always only written poetry as an outlet. As a rescue dog mom myself, if the success of this book saves even just one homeless animal’s life, it was worth my time.

This is a multiple submission. I truly look forward to your feedback and I thank you kindly for your review and consideration.

Respectfully,

Colleen M. Fackler

GOOD GUY MEETS SCHMOOSH (a snippet)

On a little city street,
Where buses would pass by,
Lived a young and stellar lad
Whose parents named him Guy.
He always did the right thing
Or at least he’d try,
And when his neighbors would see him, they’d wave
And say, “there goes that Good Guy!”
Because their son behaved so well
His parents finally agreed
Guy could pick out a dog of his choice
Any age, any breed!
Guy decided that getting a puppy
Would surely make him content.
So on a cloudy Saturday,
Off to the pet store they went.
As they waited at a light,
Guy began to stare
At a dog he’d seen before
With no owner to care.
It appeared he had no tags
A blanket, but no bed.
And by the looks of his frailty
He clearly hadn’t been fed.
“I think that dog could use some help
Could you pull over Mom, please?”
“I think we better keep going, Guy.
That dog could have a disease.”
They drove along and Guy did try
To forget the dog on the street
Instead he tried to focus on
The puppies he would meet!

That's it!

Please thank Colleen for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

Minki Pool's Current Query Critiqued

Today we have Minki Pool's current query for her Spec Fic novel SPADILLE. Be sure to check out Minki's website.

The query:

After the death Suicide? Murder? Freak Accident? Be specific. of his twin sister, Christopher Langley WHO IS CHRIS? I mean, we can assume he's an adult male, since you don't call this book YA in your housekeeping details below, but what kind of person is he? Why should we care about whether or not he achieves his goals? Why should we root for him? Even just a little bit goes a long way. Have you seen Mr. Robot? The protagonist in that show, Elliot, is not the most likable guy at the beginning, but we root for him. We care about him because he is vulnerable, and while he isn't perfect, he tries to do what he thinks is right. You have to introduce us to Christopher the CHARACTER before you introduce us to Christopher's STORY, or we won't have a vested interest in whether or not he succeeds. Right now the biggest problem with this query is the lack of a sense of CHARACTER. spends his nights hacking the multi-player virtual reality dream world of Spadille, This is going to be very difficult to describe in a query. I'm sure it makes sense in the book, but it's not clear here how this works. Is Spadille a game? A dream? A virtual reality? I get the feeling it's all three, but you need to try to make it clearer how that works. Is there data stored on a server somewhere? On many servers? There kind of has to be in order for Christopher to be able to hack it. Or is it more like a neural network, or something newer and stranger? Try to watch and read in this genre, to see how other creators have dealt with this. Read and watch stories like STRANGE DAYS and NEUROMANCER and so on. looking for answers. Answers to what? And why would Spadille have them? I get that you probably mean answers to why his sister (killed herself, was murdered, etc.) but the reader has no idea why answers to those questions would be somehow kept in Spadille. But then he gets caught and has to cut a sinister deal to stay out of prison: he must hack into Spadille one last time and kill its Goddess Queen, Desiderata. This is pretty damn good. A great inciting incident that's still a bit WTF because we don't know how a lot of this works, but this is really specific, and sets up a very interesting concept of an antagonist.

It sounds easy enough, Not to me. Maybe the hacking part, since he's done it before, and will now be sanctioned (I assume, by whoever caught him, the government? Or something?) but the killing part doesn't sound so easy. Unless, I guess, she's just a program like agents in THE MATRIX? Either way, I would suggest you maybe touch on something about why killing her sounds easy. until he finds himself holding his partner’s Why this word? Do you not mean girlfriend? Lover? Partner feels cold and clinical, but if that's really what you mean, it might help clarify their relationship. avatar as she bleeds to death in the dream. He has never met her in real life, but when he wakes up, he is covered in blood. Again, this is really good. Keep this.

Chris investigates his partner’s fate, but instead ends up responsible for a dream junkie called Myr. How? Myr’s addiction has destroyed her career and her health in the waking world (or something like that?), but in Spadille she is a revered handmaiden of the Goddess Queen. Chris hopes to use Myr in order to finally get to Desiderata, but it looks like Desiderata has become more powerful than any one human As opposed to someone from another species? Just cut the word human, unless there really are aliens in this story. can handle.

Every night, through wireless oneirotech implanted into the brain, THIS. Put this up above. Now the details and specs of how Spadille works make sense. millions of people log into Spadille as they go to sleep. Every morning all of their dreams are consolidated and televised like an endless soap opera. The dream is big, it is popular, and through the oneirotech Desiderata has found a way to download her religion straight into the minds of all the dreamers. This probably goes on a bit long, but this is strong. If you can make this more concise, this would fit really well coming earlier.

More and more people are starting to worship her, and their blind belief is bringing the dream to life. Their conviction is somehow turning Spadille into an alternate reality that threatens to become more real than the original. Cut all of this.

Neither Chris nor Myr knows whether Desiderata is a human avatar with incredible power, an intelligent virus, Again, make this point above. or something even more sinister, but they know that if they don’t manage to kill her, the very fabric of reality may be at stake.

In Spadille Chris and Myr are enemies, but in real life they are allies on the verge of becoming friends. Now they have to decide whether they are willing to sacrifice each other, the dream, or even themselves, for a reality that has never given them anything. This is pretty good as choices go, but at this point this query is far too long and you need to start cutting.

SPADILLE, a novel of speculative fiction, is complete at 102 000 words.

I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This query is 373 words long. That's too long. Try to cut it to 250 if you can, but definitely under 300. I get that it's difficult to pare this stuff down, and I know I've harped on specificity with you when we've worked on this before, but you're really treading into synopsis territory here.

CHARACTER, CONFLICT, CHOICE. That's all you need. You don't even HAVE to have CHOICE, but it's pretty standard for most queries to end with a sadistic choice of some kind, so agents are used to seeing it.

That said, this is getting much, much better. You've got details of the world and details of the characters in here that you did not before, and this is really starting to come together. It's clear you listened to me about specificity, and although that makes many improvements here, it also means you're sharing too much with the reader in this query. Remember, a query has only one job: to get the agent's assistant to read the pages, or request some if the agency's guidelines don't allow pages to be included. That means entice the reader, but also get it over with quickly.

Here are your beats:

• Chris, a lonely hacker with no relationships to speak of outside the virtual reality, loses his twin sister to (some kind of death).
• He gets caught hacking, and turns spy.
• His in game partner dies, and her death somehow leaks into the real world.
• He meets Myr (more on how this works or why it happens would help).
• Together they must decide how to take down Desiderata (great reference by the way, I assume you know the poem?).

That's it. I mean, at least as far as plot points go, that's all you need to touch on. Anything else is too much.

That's it.

What do you all think? Would you disagree on anything?

The query, again, so you can see it without my notes.

After the death of his twin sister, Christopher Langley spends his nights hacking the multi-player virtual reality dream world of Spadille, looking for answers. But then he gets caught and has to cut a sinister deal to stay out of prison: he must hack into Spadille one last time and kill its Goddess Queen, Desiderata.

It sounds easy enough, until he finds himself holding his partner’s avatar as she bleeds to death in the dream. He has never met her in real life, but when he wakes up, he is covered in blood.

Chris investigates his partner’s fate, but instead ends up responsible for a dream junkie called Myr. Myr’s addiction has destroyed her career and her health, but in Spadille she is a revered handmaiden of the Goddess Queen. Chris hopes to use Myr in order to finally get to Desiderata, but it looks like Desiderata has become more powerful than any one human can handle.

Every night, through wireless oneirotech implanted into the brain, millions of people log into Spadille as they go to sleep. Every morning all of their dreams are consolidated and televised like an endless soap opera. The dream is big, it is popular, and through the oneirotech Desiderata has found a way to download her religion straight into the minds of all the dreamers.

More and more people are starting to worship her, and their blind belief is bringing the dream to life. Their conviction is somehow turning Spadille into an alternate reality that threatens to become more real than the original.

Neither Chris nor Myr knows whether Desiderata is a human avatar with incredible power, an intelligent virus, or something even more sinister, but they know that if they don’t manage to kill her, the very fabric of reality may be at stake.

In Spadille Chris and Myr are enemies, but in real life they are allies on the verge of becoming friends. Now they have to decide whether they are willing to sacrifice each other, the dream, or even themselves, for a reality that has never given them anything.

SPADILLE, a novel of speculative fiction, is complete at 102 000 words.

I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Now that's really it.

Tanya Miranda's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. Today we have Tanya's revised query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The query:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation No. I have covered this before, but really it's not needed, and kind of looks like a rookie mistake. for Box of Souls BOX OF SOULS, an urban fantasy novel that is complete at 55,000 words. Hmm. I can't remember the word count from last time, but regardless, if it hasn't gone up, or even if it has, it needs to go up, a lot more. 55,000 words is a short YA novel, and it's a really short adult UF novel.

As ancient rules dictate, Not a great opening, as it's vague, but I'll take it for now. a sage sorceress Huh? I think I might know what you're getting at here, but "sage" as synonymous with "wise" is way too loose a connection for a query. Not everyone reads a shit ton of fringe spec-fic, and even if you're querying agents who mostly do, be careful. If you mean something else, well ... then I'm at a loss. must choose a female kin down her bloodline to inherit her powers before she dies. Well that's cool. More like this. When eighteen-year-old Jasmyn's grandmother passes away, SPOILER ALERT: PRO-TIP. Sorry for the ALL-CAPS, but this is where you should start your query. This is CHARACTER. CHARACTER is KEY. (Note: actually, all in all, this is SITUATION, but it's a better sense of character than your current world-building-based opening implies). This is also probably YA, but that's neither her nor there at this point. This is a much more money opening than what you have. it is eight-year-old Katarina who begins to display the gift of sorcery. This newest rejection proves Jasmyn's life-long claim that her family loves Katarina more than they love her, and instead of mourning with her family, she bears her grandmother’s death alone.

Okay. Several decent elements here. But it's all a bit muddled. Who's our protag? Focus on her. What's our inciting incident? Granny's passing? Revelation of the gift? The rejection?

One thing you really need to keep in mind when writing a query is: what's backstory and what's story? Backstory is important, of course, but it has much more place in the manuscript (where it still should barely linger) than it does in a query, which is to say: very little.

I can't tell, from this query so far, which is which.

After the funeral, menacing dragons appear along the west coast of California, Whatever you do, stop right now and read The Story of Owen. the same dragons Jasmyn's grandmother banished centuries ago. Patricia and Regina, two sage sorceresses I really need to know why these two very specific words are combined twice in one query. I consider myself well versed in fantasy, and I have no idea if you mean something more esoteric than "wise female magic user." from their grandmother’s coven, discover that Katarina accidentally read a spell from the Book of Whispers releasing the Gregorn Dragons from their prison. Since Katarina is the chosen one, Whoa. Okay, I suppose this was implied, but still, this is the little one? Can their names be more distinct? she is the only one who can stop them.

When Katarina’s magic fails, Why? How? the sage witches Now there are witches? Are they different from the sorceresses, but equally sage somehow? realize that Jasmyn had indeed shown signs of sorcery, but they were too focused on Katarina to notice. Somehow, their grandmother’s gift is split between both Katarina and Jasmyn, and now the two sisters must work together to destroy the dragons. And ... sadly, now you're in synopsis territory. This is just TMI for a query letter. 

Google "Matthew MacNish Queries" and you'll find a bunch of posts in which I break down the key elements. You're over-length here, probably, already, but even if you weren't, this is already too elaborate.

There's just one problem - Jasmyn ran away when a feud earlier Huh? "When a feud earlier?" No. Watch your syntax. That makes no sense. had the entire family pinned against her, shunning her from her home. Now, Patricia and Regina Who are these characters again? You have too many names in this query. are in a race to get to Jasmyn before the dragons get to her first. The Gregorn The which Dragons? Specificity is always great, IF it makes sense to the readers. Randomly naming dragon phylums or whatever this is ... is, unfortunatley, still just vague. Dragons have magic of their own and can sense the division of power between the two sisters. Good, but too late. They know the two fledgling witches are the only ones who can stop them, and they want them eliminated. Stakes? Maybe, but after this much query, we don't care about the Dragons, we CARE about the girls.

Can Jasmyn and Katarina reunite in time to stop the Gregorn Dragons from destroying mankind? Can Jasmyn put her pain and resentment aside to wield their grandmother's magic? The bond of sisterhood is strong, but so are powers of darkness.

Hmm. This isn't terrible as a wrap-up/sadistic choice line, but so much of this information is so disjointed from the main body of the query, let's summarize ...

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Tanya

In summary: this IS an improvement, Tanya, don't get me wrong. It really does cover all the basics. It's just that WHEN it covers them, and HOW, are still a bit of a mess.

First of all, your story section, the most important part of the query, is 303 words long. That isn't astronomically high, but it is a bit long, and worse, in the amount of words you've used, you didn't tell us very much. Or rather, you told us a bunch, but didn't make much cohesive sense from one element to the next.

Try to be more specific. Specific as to CHARACTER, as to CONFLICT, as to SCENE, SCENARIO, SETUP, PLOT, and STAKES. I know that's a lot to cover in 250 words, but people pull it off all the time. Read their examples. See if it helps you find your own.

That's it.

What do you all think? Would you disagree on anything?

Tanya Miranda's Current Query Revised

Today we have Tanya Miranda's current query. The previous version was shared here, and critiqued here.

Here's the letter:

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for Box of Souls, an urban fantasy novel that is complete at 55,000 words.

As ancient rules dictate, a sage sorceress must choose a female kin down her bloodline to inherit her powers before she dies. When eighteen-year-old Jasmyn's grandmother passes away, it is eight-year-old Katarina who begins to display the gift of sorcery. This newest rejection proves Jasmyn's life-long claim that her family loves Katarina more than they love her, and instead of mourning with her family, she bears her grandmother’s death alone.

After the funeral, menacing dragons appear along the west coast of California, the same dragons Jasmyn's grandmother banished centuries ago. Patricia and Regina, two sage sorceresses from their grandmother’s coven, discover that Katarina accidentally read a spell from the Book of Whispers releasing the Gregorn Dragons from their prison. Since Katarina is the chosen one, she is the only one who can stop them.

When Katarina’s magic fails, the sage witches realize that Jasmyn had indeed shown signs of sorcery, but they were too focused on Katarina to notice. Somehow, their grandmother’s gift is split between both Katarina and Jasmyn, and now the two sisters must work together to destroy the dragons.

There's just one problem - Jasmyn ran away when a feud earlier had the entire family pinned against her, shunning her from her home. Now, Patricia and Regina are in a race to get to Jasmyn before the dragons get to her first. The Gregorn Dragons have magic of their own and can sense the division of power between the two sisters. They know the two fledgling witches are the only ones who can stop them, and they want them eliminated.

Can Jasmyn and Katarina reunite in time to stop the Gregorn Dragons from destroying mankind? Can Jasmyn put her pain and resentment aside to wield their grandmother's magic? The bond of sisterhood is strong, but so are powers of darkness.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Tanya

That's it!

Please thank Tanya for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow!

Anthony Isom's Current Query Critiqued

Morning. Happy Friday! Today we have Anthony's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

[Insert Agent Here]

My name is Anthony Isom. Not necessary. Sign your letter at the end like any business letter. In an e-query, it's fine to do this by just typing your name. I am seeking representation for Redundant. Your sending of the query in the first place is indication of the fact that you are seeking representation. REAL GOOD, my 43,000-word young adult manuscript, which I view as a cross between David Levithan’s BOY MEETS BOY and Lauren Myracle’s SHINE. While the story contains a hate crime, its clutch and pulse hinge on a love triangle between three boys—the narrator, his boyfriend, and his best friend. The rest of this is pretty good. I love the comparison titles (though BOY MEETS BOY and SHINE should be italicized, not ALL CAPS, but I hear that sentiment might be changing), and I love the phrasing of "clutch and pulse."

Normally, I would recommend leaving word count, comparison titles, and so on to the end of the query. A little personalization up front (I'm querying you because we met at ALA last year, or I'm querying you because I love that you represent Author X) can be great, but isn't always necessary. In the long run, the one and only thing that is going to sell an agent on representing you, is your story. I say get right to what matters.

So let's do that, and jump into the important part, the meat of the story.

...

First of all, let me just say before I even get to the content, I don't like what I see at first glance. This is a large chunk of text, not broken up into separate paragraphs at all. Traditionally, query letters are about 250 words (for the story part), broken up into three paragraphs. There's nothing wrong with breaking the "rules," but if you're going to do it, do it in a way that improves your chances.

Additionally, the paragraph below (before I touch it) is 182 words. That's not so short that I would say you should definitely increase it, but the problem here is that shoving it all into a single paragraph actually makes it look longer than it is.

Anyway ...

17-year-old Adam Sutton knows he should have kissed his boyfriend, Terry Connelly, by now just as he knows it is strange and yet intriguing his best friend, Evan Michaels, kissed him Kissed who? Watch your pronouns here. I'm not sure if Evan kissed Adam or Terry from this sentence. in the front seat of Evan’s Tahoe. This is a nice detail. This is the kind of thing I like to see in queries: specificity. We don't necessarily know for sure just from this one word, but this indicates a lot to me. If a high school kid has his own car, and it's something as nice as a Tahoe, they probably come from a relatively wealthy suburban area. Specific details like this go such a long way in a query. While exploring his newly-disrupted world, What does this mean? It's basically both vague and redundant. "Exploring" is vague, because we really have no idea what that means, and "newly-disrupted world" is redundant, because you just showed us the world was disrupted. Sometimes a little reminder is a good thing, but don't combine it with vague language. Adam receives disturbing news of a trauma that, though impersonal, Unnecessary. Let the reader decide for themselves what's personal. rattles him—a freshman boy named Carter Morreson, Why is everyone FIRST NAME, LAST NAME? Do they attend some kind of snooty prep school where everyone is called Mister Sutton and Mister Morreson? Regardless, you've got a problem here. You've got FOUR named characters in the query. That's probably two too many. Name Adam, by all means, and give his last name too, but Terry and Carter need only first names, and Evan doesn't need to be named at all. "Best Friend" (who I assume is not gay or at least is not out?) is sufficient. the innocent Are there guilty victims of hate crimes? If the victim did something that made him guilty, it's not a hate crime, it's assault or revenge or whatever. victim of a hate crime, was tied to his bed by four junior boys and beaten to a pulp. Man. That's powerful. This is your inciting incident? Or is it the kiss? It's a little hard to tell from this query whether this is a plot based story or a character study type story. Not that a novel can't be both, but I'd like to see a little better indication of where the manuscript goes. From your housekeeping opening, I get the sense that the story is more of a character study about the love triangle, and the hate crime is more of a backdrop (like the bugs in Grasshopper Jungle), which is fine, but try to word the story section of the query in such a way that emphasizes that. Adam wants nothing to do with this Carter Morreson, This helps. even while Terry campaigns for a Gay-Straight Alliance and Evan offers his and Adam’s protection services Unnecessarily wordy. This makes it sound like some kind of mob racket shakedown thing. to Carter himself. One night, while sleeping on Carter’s floor and guarding against any rumored threats, Adam discovers Carter’s not telling anyone the full story. Someone had to unlock that door and, Do they live in dorms? Is this a boarding school? Because this locked door thing makes it sound like it is, and you need to make that clear. of the four boys expelled, none of them had access to a key. Interesting twist. Adam knows he must confront Carter but cannot muster the courage, especially when he’s still so tentative about taking a stand for the first ever Pisgah Heights Academy Gay-Straight Alliance. Pretty good sadistic choice there too.

Okay, so in summary: content-wise, you've actually got a strong premise here. I think the market (I'm no expert, but still) is looking for diverse stories like these, and I think that sets you up for success from the get go.

Structure-wise, this query needs some work. I would recommend re-writing to try to match something closer to this format:

"Seventeen-year-old [One or two words describing him as a character, for example: drama club president, or: shy but friendly trumpet player] Adam Sutton knows he should have kissed his boyfriend Terry by now, but he's been a little freaked out ever since his previously assumed to be straight best friend Evan kissed him in the front seat of his Tahoe.

Still reeling in the emotional whirlwind aftermath of that night, Adam's world gets a little more confusing and a lot more dangerous when [describe the hate crime] at their stiff-upper-lip boarding school, Pisgah Heights Academy." ... Go on to talk about Carter, the GSA, the protection they offer, and then ...

In a final paragraph, focus on the choice Adam has to make of whether or not to confront Carter. I would probably recommend you bring up the locked door, and the secret surrounding it, in this paragraph as well. Ending the query on the note of whether Adam should keep Carter's secret, and protect the victim, or out him, and side with the truth, will leave the reader itching to read the pages, which is exactly what you want to do.

I hope that makes sense. I think you're off to a really good start here, and you just need to rework the form and style of how you have all this information laid out. Let me know if you have any questions.

That's it.

What do you all think? Hopefully you can make sense of my critique, with all that blue in the post. Would you recommend any other changes?

Anthony Isom's Current Query

Today we have Anthony Isom's query for his current project, REAL GOOD.

Here's the letter:

[Insert Agent Here]

My name is Anthony Isom. I am seeking representation for REAL GOOD, my 43,000-word young adult manuscript, which I view as a cross between David Levithan’s BOY MEETS BOY and Lauren Myracle’s SHINE. While the story contains a hate crime, its clutch and pulse hinge on a love triangle between three boys—the narrator, his boyfriend, and his best friend.

17-year-old Adam Sutton knows he should have kissed his boyfriend, Terry Connelly, by now just as he knows it is strange and yet intriguing his best friend, Evan Michaels, kissed him in the front seat of Evan’s Tahoe. While exploring his newly-disrupted world, Adam receives disturbing news of a trauma that, though impersonal, rattles him—a freshman boy named Carter Morreson, the innocent victim of a hate crime, was tied to his bed by four junior boys and beaten to a pulp. Adam wants nothing to do with this Carter Morreson, even while Terry campaigns for a Gay-Straight Alliance and Evan offers his and Adam’s protection services to Carter himself. One night, while sleeping on Carter’s floor and guarding against any rumored threats, Adam discovers Carter’s not telling anyone the full story. Someone had to unlock that door and, of the four boys expelled, none of them had access to a key. Adam knows he must confront Carter but cannot muster the courage, especially when he’s still so tentative about taking a stand for the first ever Pisgah Heights Academy Gay-Straight Alliance.

That's it.

Please thank Anthony for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow.