Amber Mauldin's Current Query Critiqued

Welcome to Friday, people. I hope you're all as glad as I am that it's finally here. In quick news, I just want to suggest you check out The Secret World of Arriety. Miyazaki did not direct this one, but he did pen the screenplay, and like all Studio Ghibli releases, it looks like an instant classic for the family. Any movie that young kids will enjoy and doesn't bore me to death is a winner, if you ask me.

Anyway, today is about Amber's query. This is the hard but good part. As usual, my thoughts will be in red.

Let's do work:

Dear (Agent),

It's hard enough being a lanky, seventeen(-)year(-)old boy who sparks lightning from his palms anytime he gets upset, but when Gabriyel’s parents are murdered and his best friend Rhet is kidnapped all in one tragic night, an unruly band of misfits might be his only chance at saving him. Gabriyel must learn to harness his supernatural abilities in order to fight alongside an alliance of gifted individuals. The only problem is, he can't seem to stop fighting against them.

Okay. This is one of the better openings I've seen when it comes to getting a good sense of character into your hook, but some things are missing. For one thing, in a YA novel, it's almost always key to make the protagonist's age known ASAP. A 14-year-old can still star in a YA story, but it makes for a very different tale than one about a 17-year-old.

On top of that, I would consider your sentence structure. Your first sentence, consisting of three long clauses, is 51 words long. There's nothing wrong with long sentences, but there's a time and a place for them, and I would argue that the opening of a query letter is not it. Give your hook power by making it tight. Something like "16-year-old Gabriyel has always felt awkward in his lanky frame. It wouldn't be so bad if lighting didn't also uncontrollably spark from his hands every time he got upset." Obviously that's not great, and I'm sure you can do better, but the point is: try to limit your opening sentence to a strong but brief introduction of your character. The way you have it now, the second clause of the first sentence is your inciting incident, and the third clause looks to be rising action. You can wait a sentence or two to get to those things.

Finally, watch your pronouns and word choices. At the end of the first sentence, the him is a bit confusing. I mean, because it follows saving, it's not hard to puzzle out who you mean, but I had to read it twice to make sure, probably because the sentence is so long.

Awaking in a hospital from a brutal beating that left him unconscious for a day, cut, Gabriyel finds his world shattered. His parents have been murdered by the men that put him there, and his best friend Rhet is now missing, taken by the same men- try to avoid em-dashes in query letters, if you do use one, put two regular dashes in a row--a man named Samael and his legion of followers.

Most of this is a repeat of what you've already told us. Clearly there are some important new details, like Samael, and the fact that his men that put Gabe in the hospital are the same ones that murdered his parents, but the way this is written makes the first paragraph seem frivolous.  Either figure out a way to incorporate this information into your opening paragraph, or don't mention it until this one.

He excepts accepts the help of a dwarf(-)sized I would actually cut the sized, though. Just call her Dwarfish. woman(,) who is more than she appears, and she cut takes him into hiding. There he begins training for combat with an unruly group of supernaturally gifted teens who want to put an end to Samael's evil reign. This is the proper place for this rising action, I think. There's no need to mention this stuff in the opening paragraph. Feeling lost, alone, and angry at the world, Gabriyel must learn to control his temper and put aside his less-than-fond opinion of the group, in order to save Rhet. He needs their help. And soon he discovers there is more that binds him to this band of questionable heroes than the common enemy they share. This is a pretty good summary, and a decent sense of conflict, both internal and external, but I think you might add one more sentence, just to make it clear that they all go after Rhet together (assuming that's what they do).

Impenetrable, Working titles of unpublished manuscripts should be CAPITALIZED in a query letter. is a YA epic I would cut the epic. At 60,000 words it's not likely that epic. fantasy with Christian roots woven through the plot. I would not mention the Christian roots at this point. Not because Christian literature doesn't sell well--it does--but because the potential for alienating some agents is there. Get them to read your full, and make an offer of author representation, and then you can bring up the Christian symbolism, and that might guide your agent in what editors they want to submit to. Complete at 60,000 words, this novel, puts a unique spin on the classic story of the 40 days of temptation Christ suffered, but written from the POV of a hot headed disciple. You do need to mention your word count, but I would cut the rest of this. Again, discuss is on the phone with your agent. Based on your interest in (put my heavily researched information about books they represent, and what they are looking for) I believe this story is the right fit for you. Thank you for your time.

Okay, to summarize: you've got the beginnings of a good query here. Your character is pretty strong, and you've set him up for some great conflict, internal and external, and you only need to make a few changes before the strength of your story comes across clearly in your query.

My biggest problem is the repetition of ideas. A query needs to be succinct, and get to the point quickly. You don't have room to bring things up twice. Other than that, and a few other minor changes, I think you'd be well on your way to a great query if you can rearrange the opening, and remove the repetition.

Amber Mauldin

That's it.

Thanks so much for sharing your query with us, Amber. If this is your first one, I'm pretty impressed, because it's really a great start.

What do you guys think? Surely you can write a better first sentence or two than mine. Anything I missed? Anything you disagree with? Please let Amber know your thoughts in the comments.

UPDATE: I totally missed the fact that Gabe's age is clearly there in the opening. I can't believe I missed that. I must have been really tired. Good work putting that in, Amber, but make sure to hyphenate it. I could just edit my mistake out, but I'm not going to. It gives this critique character.