Stephen Tremp's Current Query Critiqued

All right. Let's get to work.

If you've never been here before, my notes and feedback for Stephen's query will be in red.

Before I get to his letter, I'll point out a couple "rules." I'm not going to pretend to be an absolute authority on anything, but this is what I've learned in my own road to publication.

The working title of an unpublished novel is written in ALL CAPS in a query letter. Like: OPENING. The finished title of a published work, even self-published, is written in italics. Like: Breakthrough.

Now, I also want to warn Stephen that a literary agent is highly unlikely to consider representing the second book in a series when the first book was already self-published, unless the first novel has sold literally thousands of copies. On the other hand, I want to commend Stephen for his courage, and for not letting that dissuade him. I obviously have no idea how well Breakthough has sold, but even if it sold only 10 copies, I think it's great that he continues to follow his ambition.

I just want to make sure he's aware that seeking representation for this book may be slightly more difficult than for another book.

Okay, let's get to the query:

Chase Manhattan I'm not going to comment on the name. With the first book in the series already published, you wouldn't be able to change it even if you wanted to. has just been rescued from certain death in Boston. Otherwise I think this opening is decent, if unconventional. It sets the stakes and tension up pretty high right away, which is great for a thriller. One thing I would change is the phrase "certain death." Not only is it a cliche, but it's also vague. Be specific. What kind of death did he escape from? His talented team of California-based comrades, this is also vague. How are they talented? Hackers? Assassins? Acrobats? contriving and executing a bold and daring plot, another vague phrase. "Bold and daring plot" sounds cool, but it could mean anything. You need to be specific in a query letter. Tell us the plot, but keep it brief. managed to thwart his execution by a group of psychopathic M.I.T. grad students. Love this. It's sort of weird, but hilarious, and awesome. These gifted zealots are on a mission to stop a new global order of aristocracy by the super-rich egregious elite and instead establish a scientific oligarchy. This is where you start to lose me. These gifted zealots sound pretty cool to me, and I can't fathom why Chase would want to thwart their plans. Wresting control from the super elite would be a good thing, as far as I'm concerned. They will murder anyone who stands in their way, now I see how they're kind of bad buys. using to their exclusive advantage a stolen technological innovation of future altering eminence—wormholes. I think you need to be careful about the language you use, and the diction with which you place certain words in certain places. "Exclusive advantage" and "future altering eminence" are both phrases that sound pretentious to me. Unless the novel is purposely campy, you don't want you query to sound like this. Be direct, get to the point, and be specific. Also, I always advise people who ask for my help not to use em-dashes in query letters. Don't get me wrong, I love em-dashes in prose, but making them work in a query letter is very difficult, because you never know what an agent's email application is going to do to advanced formatting like an em-dash. I would suggest you keep you query letter as close to plain text as possible. A bit of italics is okay, but don't overdo it. Chase and his band have blocked and counter(-)punched, huh? I get that's supposed to be a metaphor, but it sounds weird and is again just a vague phrase that sounds cool. Tell us HOW they did it. stymieing the M.I.T. maniacs temporarily; but their problems have just begun. More challenges and a diverse array of new villains await them in the second installment of Stephen Tremp’s action suspense Breakthrough Trilogy—where science meets the supernatural. Don't do this. A query letter should almost never be written in first person as far as being from a character's POV (rules can be broken, though), but when it comes to YOU, being the author, you do need to use first person. Don't refer to yourself in third person. It makes it look like someone else wrote this for you. Even if they did, you don't want an agent to know that. I would just cut everything after "just begun." You're basically just telling us things that you're about to show us anyway.

As if tampering with wormholes in unchartered spatial realms—a key plot dilemma in Breakthrough—cut these em-dashes and everything between them. wasn’t enough trouble, in Opening, see my point about working titles, above. the naïve use of wormholes unlocks Pandora’s Box, unleashing demonic forces of Biblical, Armageddon magnitude. This is where your story actually begins. You may want to consider re-writing this, and start here. Everything before this supernatural spin is essentially backstory. I realize you have to set things up, and there's a whole novel that comes before this, but you need to focus on THIS story, and begin at the beginning. Chase, and a cast of diabolical villains competing for control of this reality-shaking discovery, are compelled to consider concepts of parallel dimensions—impugning their perception of the universe and humanity’s place in it.

The action and adventure for Chase enters the global stage where the geopolitical scene is almost overnight thrust into what appears to the unsuspecting population to be an inevitable World War III—but it’s much worse than even that. This is where it starts to get good. You're being specific, and giving us a great description of the actual conflict that takes place in this story. The aggressing personally I did not know that aggressing was a word, but I looked it up, and it is. China’s leadership has been usurped by a military leader who is now possessed by an archfiend from hell and its army is backed up by a demonic host of death angels on a mission to kill the entire human race. This is cool. Your novel sounds like a fun mix of sci-fi and paranormal/biblical fantasy. Love, sacrifice, greed, betrayal, and spiritual contemplation define this thriller of science run amok. Chase Manhattan must discover a depth of courage and rely on the strength of his soul mate, Susan Anderson, and the rest of their group if he is to destroy a technology mankind is clearly not ready for. This is a pretty good summary. The mention of Susan comes a little bit out of left field, but otherwise you sum this story up quite well.

I have a BSB in Information Systems and an MBA in Global Management, and have worked for some of the world’s largest banking institutions such as General Electric, Deutsche Bank, and E*Trade Bank. This background allows me to weave a particular complexity into this unique thriller. People often put a lot of irrelevant info in their bio, but yours actually sounds like it fits your story perfectly. BREAKTHROUGH no caps will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Dan Brown, Stephen King, and Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. I don't think you need to compare your book to 5 bestselling authors (even though Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child are actually the same person). Also, does your story really have that much of a horror element to it? Because I don't get that from your query. Another also: why are you comparing Breakthrough to these other authors' work, when it's actually OPENING that this query letter is seeking representation for?

Okay. So over all I think this query has promise. It's clear that your story has a cool premise, and it sounds like an exciting blend of science and fantasy. The voice in the query is also pretty good, and I think it fits well with the tone of your story.

You do need to fix some things, though. You can cut or at least trim most of your first paragraph. You need to be much more specific about what happens, and how things are accomplished. Also be careful about superfluous language, and I think with a little work, you could have a great query letter here.

What do you guys think? Have I made any points you disagree with? Please add your feedback to the comments, and let's see if we can help Stephen make his query letter better. Rhyme intended, just for fun!