So that's it. Go make sure you're following Ishta, so you don't miss any of these new critiques.
Now, we're back to Devin's query. Before we get to the red ink and my thoughts, it looks like very few of you went to follow Devin's blog. She's very nice, and was totally understanding about me screwing up her gender yesterday, so please drop by Cushman in Cairo, and clock that follow button.
And now let's get to it. For anyone who hasn't seen one of these before, Devin's query will be in plain text, and my feedback will be in red.
The letter:
Dear Agent,
I would like to submit for your consideration my young adult, science fiction novel, AMPED.
You don't need this. Either put a more detailed personalized paragraph up front, or leave this info to your subject line or the final paragraph.
In a fiery burst of orange and purple, a solar flare erupts across the sky. This is interesting. Normally queries open with character first, but I think this can work. My only question is one of logistics. Is this solar flare really so vast it can be seen with the naked eye? Because that's not how it usually works, and if that's how this one works in your novel, that's kind of awesome. Avery Lancaster can suddenly see haunting images when she’s touched. This is where you need more. One reason queries often start with character is because it's the most important thing. Who is this story about, and what kind of person are they? Therefore: why should we care what happens to them? Opening by introducing your character gives you a chance to let us know what kind of person she was before the story began. She has no idea what these images mean, and she’s not the only one with a new, freaky ability. Teenagers all across America are suddenly getting Amped. The rest of this I like. Great inciting incident.
I would switch your opening paragraph around a bit. Open with Avery, tell us how old she is, and give us at least a word or two about what kind of person she was before the flare. Then you can mention the flare, and lead into the changes it brought for teens across America. Also, why only America?
The Flare Research Center is formed, and Flare victims are brought in for “their own” safety. No one’s calling it a prison sentence, but Avery has no intention of being used as a guinea pig. She and her friends flee into the mountains of Colorado just as winter descends.
I like this. It raises the stakes, and sets up some great conflict. Just a couple things need clarifying. Does she go to the center, and then escape, or do she and her friends flee before ever getting sent there?
Survival is their only goal until they meet another group of runaways. Why does that change anything? This other group has already been investigating? Using their unique Amps, they band together to stay alive, and hidden from the FRC agents combing the mountains. But hiding isn’t enough. They must learn why the Flare only affected teenagers.
Except for what I mentioned, this is good. It sets up a mystery, with a clear set of goals.
When they discover the government is involved, they make a plan to bring the whole system down.
Otherwise, this is great. This ending summarizes a tough choice your character will have to make very well.
AMPED is complete at 80,000 words.
You don't need any of this. This is telling what the novel is about, when you've already shown us. Let your query and your pages speak for themselves, and then just continue directly to this next paragraph.
When I’m not writing novels, I am a technology specialist working at an American International School in Cairo Egypt.
If you would like to consider AMPED, I’d be happy to forward the complete manuscript. I also have an outline available for potential sequels.
The rest of this closing is good.
So, to summarize: most of this query is in great shape. The ending summary, and the tough choice your character is going to have to struggle to make, is particularly compelling. The main thing that needs work is your opening. We need a better sense of who Avery is before the changes, and why she struggles so much to accept what is different about her.
Other than that, just clarify a few things I've pointed out, and you'll be in great shape!
Sincerely,
Devin Cushman
That's it.
What do the rest of you think? Did I miss anything? How would you re-write Devin's opening hook?
