Let's get right to it:
Dear Agent:
They are naïve. They are uncivilized. They are an Oklahoma family adjusting to 1970s California culture shock (shocking the culture, is more like it). Meet the Austens.
I'm not sure about this opening. I mean it's certainly unconventional, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not sure it hooks us in and makes a reader say "oh wow, I've GOT to read on." It does have some clever voice, but I'm not exactly sure what all this means. The Austens would have to be pretty strange to shock the flower-child culture of 70s California. Perhaps they are, but below it seems like with the Hippy Bus, they'd fit right in. Maybe the problem is that they're shocking the neighbors in their upscale neighborhood, and not California 70s culture in general.
The other problem, which actually may not be a problem due to the dual narrative frame story nature of your novel, is that we have no sense of character. You give us a pretty good one with the next paragraph, so I don't think it's a huge deal, but usually query letters open by introducing a character. I think yours can work without sticking to that norm.
Actually, Patty, the elementary-age youngest member, would prefer that you didn't. Not if she plans on fitting in. Her family, whose outrageous antics often leaves her hiding in embarrassment (even their cat is a regular in the police blotter), is only half the problem.
I like this. A lot. In fact, I think you might consider making Patty your hook. I mean she seems so unique, and turns out to be your narrator (in more than one way), so she would make a great opening. I don't think it's required to make this query work, but you should consider it.
Patty’s the other half. She practices every religion, for good measure, has inanimate objects for friends, i.e., Aunt Jemima syrup bottle and a pet rock, and believes in luck, charms, and signs. Clearly, her family’s not the only one a straw short of a haystack. I'm not sure about this. I like the voice, but isn't straw plural? What's the word for one stalk of straw? I'm no expert in hay, but for some reason it sounds off. But she craves a normal life. Normal isn’t for the hearing impaired. She’s too deaf for the hearing world and not deaf enough to ignore what folks are saying about her family, about her. Normal isn’t being the only white girl in an all black school. And when they move—and they move a lot—it isn’t being the only poor hillbilly among old-money privilege.
I love this character. That will probably be enough to make this query work, and therefore for an agent to request pages, but what's missing here is a clear sense of conflict. We get a general idea of the kind of things Patty's going to have to overcome, but the main conflict is so vague it's almost non-existent. Unless the main conflict is the issue about the psych ward. I'll get to that when we reach that part.
When her dad purchases a psychedelic hippie-band tour bus as their new residence and then parks it in their upscale neighborhood, she realizes that maybe she is meant for something different, that ordinary life is not for her. Being a society reject breeds an isolation that can lead one to amazing and unexpected things. Or life in the loony bin.
This is where the logic breaks down for me a little. If they're poor hillbillies, how to they afford to live in an upscale neighborhood? If not, and they're just rich and eccentric, why do they live in a bus? I'm sure it all makes sense in your novel, but in the query I get a bit confused.
In alternating timelines, adult Patty (our unreliable narrator) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery. Either from side-effects of morphine or perhaps from too many episodes of Jerry Springer, she believes she may actually be in the psych ward, contrary to what the staff tells her.
This is what I was referring to earlier. I get the sense that your novel has two plot arcs of equal importance and screen time, but neither one of their conflicts is made clear enough in the query. Clearly with an unreliable narrator who may or may not know exactly what is going on in the present, it's going to be hard to convey for sure what she must overcome in the query, but for the historical plot line, we definitely need a better, and more specific sense of what kind of adversity Patty has to overcome.
PSYCH WARD, a spotlight of my achievements, I'm not sure how this works. Normally the working title of an unpublished manuscript is capitalized but not italicized in a query letter. I don't know about subtitles like this. I suspect you've done it right, but I'm not positive. Although, you might want to not italicize the main title. is a 99,000-word family saga told in a nonlinear frame-like narrative with one protagonist, two storylines, and two plots. My story of the bullied misfit is softened with humor like that of THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF A PART-TIME INDIAN and of FORREST GUMP.
This novel reflects my own experiences growing up hearing impaired, which has enabled me to write with authenticity about my protagonist. I've had publications in Slow Trains, Turtle Quarterly, Halfway Down the Stairs, and various print and web magazines, including excerpts of my novel. For a list of publications, please visit http://dfmil09.wordpress.com/publications/
To summarize, this is one of the hardest queries I've ever critiqued. For one thing, it's very strong on certain things like voice and character. The issues I have with plot and conflict may not really apply to a query that is describing such an unconventional novel. My suggestion would be to only make the changes I suggest if they resonate with your vision for the story, and only if my readers and your critique partners concur. Another option is to send out a very few queries to see if it is working, before you begin to query widely.
That's it.
What do you guys think? Does the query really need a crystal clear sense of plot and conflict when the narrator herself may not know exactly what is going on? Can you imagine a query for a story that sounds like a cross between The Grapes of Wrath and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Anything I missed? Anything I said you disagree with?
