The letter:
Dear [agent],
[Enter research done on the agent and reference as to why I chose them to query]
If you've read a lot of my query critiques you know I suggest putting personalization at the end. But there are agents who like it up front, and it's only a matter of opinion, so I may stop mentioning it.
In Georgian England, seventeen-year-old Allie Donovan carries an Egyptian blade in her boot, a chip on her shoulder and the shadow of the noose over her life.
In many ways, this is one of the best opening hooks I've ever read. You've got a touch of world building, a dash of character, and a whole heaping barrage of voice. I would only make a couple suggestions. One, Georgian England makes it sound historical, rather than alternate history. You could maybe say not-quite-Georgian England, or something like that. Anyone who could write that sentence can come up with something better than mine. Two, I LOVE the line about the shadow of the noose hanging over her life, but reading through the rest of the query, I can't figure out what it means. Perhaps I'm missing something, but it seems key to me to know why and how this shadow hangs over her. Were her parents hung as criminals? Does she somehow face the threat of the gallows? It's such a great line, don't steal it's thunder by not giving us enough info for it to make sense.
Common born Allie roams the slate hallways of exclusive St Matthew(')s when I first read this, I thought this was a neighborhood for some reason. Clearly, with halls and not streets, it's not, but you could add school, or academy after Matthew's. armed with her dagger and sharp wit, trying to find her place in an inhospitable environment. She sparks conflict, physical and verbal, with the aristocratic Jared McLaren. The handsome noble is undefeated with a blade, until Allie turns his sense of honour upon him,
When a King(')s Royal Aeronautical Corp airship lands at school, discharging black clad soldiers(,) it raises a spectre from Allie’s past. How? What Spectre? Get specific. Breaking Jared into the underground laboratory of their mutual friend, Zeb, they discover he’s not just constructing mechanical cats and automated limbs. I do like this, but what are they running from and why? It's not hard to infer that the KRAC commandos are after Allie, Jared, or both, but I would really like to know why, assuming that is what's going on here. He is working on a devastating new weapon for the military. If they're running from the military, why would they run to someone working for them? Or is the KRAC not the military? I like all these elements a lot, but I'm left a little confused as to how they fit together.
With Zeb marked as a target by the underworld, KRAC fails to protect him. Maybe I have this all backward. Are the KRAC on their side? If they're protecting Zeb, are they protecting Allie and Jared too? Allie’s illicit skills and contacts make her the only one Jared can trust. This is vague. I get that her skill with a blade and her apparent connection to the underworld can help Jared survive if he's on the run from something, but none of this really makes any sense unless we know who or what they're running from, and more importantly, why. The deeper Allie goes, into what? her feelings for Jared intensify, as she discovers her history is intertwined with their mission. Which is what? We have no idea what their mission is.
In revealing her past, Allie jeopardises I take it this is spelled correctly in British English. her future. Vague. She must decide her course if they are to find the weapon before it plunges Europe into a monstrous war. I thought Zeb already had the weapon? Did he lose it?
REVELATION is a steampunk novel aimed at the young adult market. I'm not sure I would word it this way. I would say something like "REVELATION is a YA Steampunk Adventure with threads of Romance," or you know, something better. I would avoid talking about markets in a query. The
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
All right. Let's summarize. I may be biased, because I pretty much love anything even remotely steampunk right off the bat, but this sounds like one of the coolest stories I've seen in a while. The elements of an incredible tale are clearly there, and you've displayed your talent as a writer explicitly, especially with that wonderful opening hook.
What's missing here is a clear and specific sense of plot. We know the basic conflict: there is a weapon, and they must find it, or protect it, or destroy it, to save the world. The problem is that we don't have a clue why Jared and Allie are involved, or exactly how their involvement works, other than they are both friends with Zeb. You don't need a lot more info, just a tidbit here and there to connect one awesome element to another.
Try to address the specific questions I've presented above, and I think your query will be in excellent shape.
That's it.
What do you guys think? Are you as confused as I am about Allie and Jared's role? Did you catch something I missed? What else would you like to see come into play?
