Middle Grade Books at Project Mayhem

I'm over at Project Middle Grade Mayhem today, posting about some of my favorite things about middle grade books. Please drop by and say hello!

Oh How I Miss You Blogfest!

How I Miss You Blogfest!

It’s that time of year again! Hosted by Andrew Leon, Alex J. Cavanaugh, and Me.

The bloggers you miss and the ones you would miss.
List one to three bloggers you really miss.
List one to three bloggers you would really miss if they stopped blogging.
And then go let them know!

So ... without further ado, here are three of the bloggers I would (and kind of do, considering I rarely blog anymore) miss..

Justine Dell

Justine was pretty much my very first follower and blogging buddy. Okay, maybe not very first, but she showed up really early on, and she was nice, and she was steady. She was always around, always supportive, and really knew how to handle the blogging thing.

I learned a lot from her, and I think she was even the first blogger to ever host me as a guest, too.

Jessica Bell

Jess was probably my second close friend I made early on through blogging. We're still tight. We exchange pages all the time, and we've met in real life, and she is the sweetest because she sends me all her books (which I love--the stories, not the free shipping), all the way from Greece!

Katie AKA Creepy Query Girl

I met Katie, the CQG, a little later than Justine and Jessica, but we've been friends ever since. We've had very similar journeys in our path to seeking publication, and I think it has really provided some comforting solidarity for both of us.

Why do I miss them?

Well, Jessica actually still blogs like a pro, even though I don't really visit her as much as I'd like to. Katie and Justine are both on hiatus, I believe, but to be honest, I haven't been to either of their blogs in a while. The thing is, blogging has been really tough for me lately. I pretty much miss everyone! That's because I have barely been blogging myself, and certainly not visiting and reading the blogs of all my friends.

The problem is that the day job has gotten so crazy, that I barely have time to raise my family and write. Unfortunately, blogging simply has to take a back seat when the option is blogging or writing books.

Anyway, make sure you visit everyone else! It's not an enormous blogfest or anything.

How I Miss You Blogfest Returns!

How I Miss You Blogfest!

It’s that time of year again! Hosted by Andrew Leon, Alex J. Cavanaugh, and Me.

The bloggers you miss and the ones you would miss.
List one to three bloggers you really miss.
List one to three bloggers you would really miss if they stopped blogging.
And then go let them know!

Join us November 24! Sign up below!

A to the Zizzle

There's a tiny little announcement over on the A to Z Challenge Team Blog this morning. I'm hoping that maybe being involved again can re-invigorate my passion for blogging. Or at least introduce me to some new bloggers. Will any of you be taking part?

Iron Hearted Violet at Project Mayhem

I'm over at Project Mayhem this morning, discussing IRON HEARTED VIOLET, by Kelly Barnhill. Stop by if you have a moment.

Where's Lenny Lee Birthday Bash!

Man, as the few of you who still visit here are well aware, I rarely blog anymore. But when I heard about a blog fest to remind Lenny how much we love him on his birthday, I was in!

 

Lenny is a great kid, a fun blogger, and someone we all miss! If you happen to not know Lenny, you can find out some more about him at his blog, Lenny's World, and be sure to follow him for updates about his posts. If you do know Lenny, and are curious to know more, you can find out a little bit from my posts, here, and here.

But either way, Lenny hasn't been blogging much lately, and while of course we understand, and don't expect him to do anything that isn't comfortable, we just thought it would be nice to let him know we miss him, and he is in our thoughts.

Happy Birthday, Lenny!

Andrea Franco-Cook's Current Query Revised - Critiqued

Today we have Andrea's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Soledad Mendoza is mankind's last hope. Okay, again, this is vague and a bit cliche. Who is she? I mean as a CHARACTER? At least that's what the winged Mayan god who shows up after her father's death tells her. But she is an unlikely hero. The young English professor doesn't understand why a god would choose a person whose weakness for scotch makes her a prime candidate for a twelve-step program. Growing up in the sleepy town of Charleston, West Virginia never prepared her for anything like this.

Hmm. Something about this is difficult to connect with. You've got all the necessary details, inciting incident, hook-ish premise, a character we can sympathize with, but ... for some reason it just feels off. 

I think the problem is that you're presenting this in the wrong order. Tell me about Soledad's teaching and scotch drinking and missing her father before you get to the god. Remember: almost all stories begin with an innocent world, in which a character may be suffering, but the major conflict of the actual plot of the story is not going on yet. Then an inciting incident occurs, and their world is flipped on its head. That kind of opening in a query, a kind of innocent world in which you can really deliver a sense of CHARACTER, will start you off right, get the reader to care about your CHARACTER, which will then make everything that comes after automatically that much better.

In the 1500s the Mayan God secretly entrusted her conquistador ancestor with the Ouroboros Amulet, a weapon containing the power of Heaven, which only one Mendoza descendant can wield. I'm not sure you need this. Don't get bogged down in too much detail. Just give us the good stuff. Too bad, her father took the amulet's location to his grave. Like this.

That's only the beginning of her troubles. She learns that her late father's friend, U.S. Senator Earl Edmondson, is aligned with a malevolent god who will assure ensure? the politician's ascendance to the presidency. Knowing that his only obstacle is the amulet that Soledad seeks, the senator turns his dark eye on her.

This is actually pretty good. A little wordy, but full of specificity.

As her enemies converge, the winged god offers a strategy to help, but his motives aren't exactly noble. Soledad discovers that she is merely a pawn in a supernatural game of treachery. If she is to stop Edmondson from ascending to the White House, she must find the amulet and the strength within herself to defeat him, or there will be Hell on Earth.

This is pretty great. Not exactly a sadistic choice, but you do end with a nice sense of either/or.

Pawn of The Gods PAWN OF THE GODS is a completed 95,000 word Urban Fantasy novel, and it is the first of a planned trilogy. This tale of an ordinary English professor caught in a battle between good and evil, flashes between the sixteenth and twenty-first centuries, blending Spanish history with Mayan lore and apocalyptic Christian beliefs.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Andrea Franco-Cook

Okay, in summary, this is definitely an improvement. In fact, I think you're pretty close.

I would focus on the first paragraph, and if you can get it into the kind of format/order I suggested, so we really get to know your character first, and then once we care about her, BAM! you hit us with this winged god showing up, and suddenly her comfortable world of sipping scotch and grading papers becomes exciting and scary as hell.

After that, maybe a few tweaks here and there, but the final two thirds of this query are pretty good as-is.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anyone want to take a crack at rewriting Andrea's opening paragraph?

Andrea Franco-Cook's Current Query Revised

Today we have a revision for Andrea Franco-Cook's query, which we had a look at in August.

The query:

Dear Agent,

Soledad Mendoza is mankind's last hope. At least that's what the winged Mayan god who shows up after her father's death tells her. But she is an unlikely hero. The young English professor doesn't understand why a god would choose a person whose weakness for scotch makes her a prime candidate for a twelve-step program. Growing up in the sleepy town of Charleston, West Virginia never prepared her for anything like this.

In the 1500s the Mayan God secretly entrusted her conquistador ancestor with the Ouroboros Amulet, a weapon containing the power of Heaven, which only one Mendoza descendant can wield. Too bad, her father took the amulet's location to his grave.

That's only the beginning of her troubles. She learns that her late father's friend, U.S. Senator Earl Edmondson, is aligned with a malevolent god who will assure the politician's ascendance to the presidency. Knowing that his only obstacle is the amulet that Soledad seeks, the senator turns his dark eye on her.

As her enemies converge, the winged god offers a strategy to help, but his motives aren't exactly noble. Soledad discovers that she is merely a pawn in a supernatural game of treachery. If she is to stop Edmondson from ascending to the White House, she must find the amulet and the strength within herself to defeat him, or there will be Hell on Earth.

Pawn of The Gods is a completed 95,000 word Urban Fantasy novel, and it is the first of a planned trilogy. This tale of an ordinary English professor caught in a battle between good and evil, flashes between the sixteenth and twenty-first centuries, blending Spanish history with Mayan lore and apocalyptic Christian beliefs.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Andrea Franco-Cook

That's it!

Please thank Andrea for sharing, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

White Lady, by Jessica Bell

GUESS THE TRUE STATEMENT & WIN JESSICA BELL'S THRILLER, WHITE LADY! (Statement #52)

To celebrate the release of Jessica Bell's latest novel, WHITE LADY, she is giving away an e-copy (mobi, ePub, or PDF) to the first person to correctly guess the one true statement in the three statements below. To clarify, two statements are lies, and one is true:

A few of Jessica Bell’s most favourite TV series are ...

a. House of Cards, Breaking Bad, Homeland, Orange is the New Black, Dexter

b. Chicago Hope, Arrow, Gossip Girl, Lost, Glee

c. Outlander, The Strain, Game of Thrones, True Blood, Doctor Who



What do you think? Which one is true? Write your guess in the comments, along with your email address. Comments will close in 48 hours. If no-one guesses correctly within in 48 hours, comments will stay open until someone does.

Want more chances to win? You have until October 31 to visit all the blogs where Jessica will share a different set of true and false statements on each one. Remember, each blog is open to comments for 48 hours only from the time of posting.

If you win, you will be notified by email with instructions on how to download the book.

Click HERE to see the list of blogs.

ABOUT THE BOOK:

*This novel contains coarse language, violence, and sexual themes.

Sonia yearns for sharp objects and blood. But now that she's rehabilitating herself as a "normal" mother and mathematics teacher, it's time to stop dreaming about slicing people's throats.

While being the wife of Melbourne's leading drug lord and simultaneously dating his best mate is not ideal, she's determined to make it work.

It does work. Until Mia, her lover's daughter, starts exchanging saliva with her son, Mick. They plan to commit a crime behind Sonia's back. It isn't long before she finds out and gets involved to protect them.

But is protecting the kids really Sonia's motive?

Click HERE to view the book trailer.

Click HERE for purchase links.

Jessica Bell, a thirty-something Australian-native contemporary fiction author, poet and singer/songwriter/guitarist, is the Publishing Editor of Vine Leaves Literary Journal and the director of the Homeric Writers' Retreat & Workshop on the Greek island of Ithaca. She makes a living as a writer/editor for English Language Teaching Publishers worldwide, such as Pearson Education, HarperCollins, MacMillan Education, Education First and Cengage Learning.

Connect with Jessica online:

Website | Retreat & Workshop | Blog | Vine Leaves Literary Journal | Facebook | Twitter

DL Hammons' Current Query Critiqued

Today we have DL's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Agent Name
Agency Name

Agent personal paragraph.

The word on a sixteen-year-old Knox Gidden is that he's nothing but military-brat, emphasis on brat. THIS is great. Query writers out there: READ THIS opening line. THIS is how you introduce a character in a query and make us care from the get go. If I had to nitpick this line, I would say that using "The word on," weakens it a tiny bit, but it also gives it nuance, because it means a lot of people see Knox that way, but it's not really true. Until recently he was fine with that. I'm not sure you need this. On the one hand, it's good, because it speaks of a call to action, but on the other, in the next sentence, you move on to something else. He's lost count of how many times his family has relocated (not really) and it's left him withdrawn, bitter, a loner with a tendency to act out by playing nasty tricks on moving day. I almost want to see "moving day" capitalized. Like it's this big thing, that happens so often, it's become a proper noun for Knox. "Moving Day." But after his mother died of cancer and a tragic prank-gone-wrong that put his brother in a wheelchair, a guilt-ridden Knox wants to clean up his act. The family's transfer to Ox-Bow, deemed their "final move", is supposed to be a fresh-start for everyone. Unbeknownst to them, something else has moved in with them.

Okay. So this is really good. It's very specific, it has a strong sense of character, who we can sympathize with not only because of his suffering, but because of how he chooses to react to it. That said, it's a little long, and we haven't gotten to an inciting incident just yet. I'm guessing you're about to, and if so that's probably fine, but I just wanted to point it out because that kind of one-two punch of CHARACTER-HOOK(Inciting Incident) is usually what bookends the opening paragraph in a good query.

After all the empty cartons have been dragged to the curb, one more box mysteriously appears. It's a dark, ominous box with curious etchings covering its surface. Don't get me wrong, it's a great line, but this is a query, not pages. You really don't need to describe anything this way. The box is already mysterious just for showing up. Unless the etchings are somehow completely integral to the plot, you don't need to bring them up. Of course all fingers point to Knox, which only gets worse when the box keeps showing up in his room. It's not long before Knox realizes he's on a collision course with something unnatural, an ancient evil that has chosen his step-mother at its next vessel to toy with. His only allies in this battle are Lewis, a kleptomaniac neighbor, Brodie, the beautiful girl who watches over Lewis, and Wilfred, a white-haired stranger who shows up claiming to know everything about the box and its purpose.

Hmm. This is a lot of named characters for a query, but I kind of think you make it work. It's four characters in all, which is a lot, but you give them each at least one uniquely identifying characteristic, and the way you bundle everyone together at the end except for Knox makes it work. Others may disagree.

Time is short for Knox and his friends. Can they find a way to save his step-mom before the malevolent force draws closer to ending the game and obtaining the two things it desires the most -- mortal fear, and fresh souls? Unfortunately, history says otherwise.

This, unfortunately, is vague. In fact, the second paragraph really doesn't give us a clear sense of the conflict either, which is where that usually takes place. I'll write more about this in my summary.

MOVING FEAR (an 80,000 word YA Horror) is a standalone with series potential which combines the type of haunting plot of Kendare Blake's Anna Dressed in Blood Anna Dressed in Blood with the creepy atmosphere of Gretchen McNeil's Possess Possess. In my day job, I write procedure manuals, but when the sun goes down, I maintain a popular blog that hosts a yearly writing contest judged by industry professionals. Link to it. Write Club is a big deal, and a lot of people know about it.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

DL Hammons

Okay, so in summary, I think this query is in great shape. To be perfectly honest, if I was an agent looking for this kind of story, I would probably skip from the end of the first paragraph, down to the housekeeping, and then jump right into the pages.

I think you'll get a lot of requests if you send this query out as is. That said, there is still room for improvement (there almost always is). The main thing missing here is a better and more specific sense of exactly what the conflict is. Now, we have a vague sense of a spirit that lives in a box (or something) who may want to steal Knox's stepmother's soul (probably).

I get that you want to keep things a bit mysterious, and you certainly don't want to give away an ending in a query letter, but it might help to know a bit more about exactly what the malevolent force wants, how it accomplishes its goals, and what Knox and team can do to stop it.

One thing that comes to mind (and this may not work in a query unless it works in the story) is that what if Knox struggles about whether or not he wants to save his step mom? That would leave him a pretty nice sadistic choice, which is a great way to end a query and entice readers to want pages.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anything you would add?

DL Hammons' Current Query

Everybody knows DL, right? Host of the Write Club? If not, make sure you go follow his blog.

Here's his query:

Agent Name
Agency Name

Agent personal paragraph.

The word on a sixteen-year-old Knox Gidden is that he's nothing but military-brat, emphasis on brat. Until recently he was fine with that. He's lost count of how many times his family has relocated (not really) and it's left him withdrawn, bitter, a loner with a tendency to act out by playing nasty tricks on moving day. But after his mother died of cancer and a tragic prank-gone-wrong that put his brother in a wheelchair, a guilt-ridden Knox wants to clean up his act. The family's transfer to Ox-Bow, deemed their "final move", is supposed to be a fresh-start for everyone. Unbeknownst to them, something else has moved in with them.

After all the empty cartons have been dragged to the curb, one more box mysteriously appears. It's a dark, ominous box with curious etchings covering its surface. Of course all fingers point to Knox, which only gets worse when the box keeps showing up in his room. It's not long before Knox realizes he's on a collision course with something unnatural, an ancient evil that has chosen his step-mother at its next vessel to toy with. His only allies in this battle are Lewis, a kleptomaniac neighbor, Brodie, the beautiful girl who watches over Lewis, and Wilfred, a white-haired stranger who shows up claiming to know everything about the box and its purpose.

Time is short for Knox and his friends. Can they find a way to save his step-mom before the malevolent force draws closer to ending the game and obtaining the two things it desires the most -- mortal fear, and fresh souls? Unfortunately, history says otherwise.

MOVING FEAR (an 80,000 word YA Horror) is a standalone with series potential which combines the type of haunting plot of Kendare Blake's Anna Dressed in Blood with the creepy atmosphere of Gretchen McNeil's Possess. In my day job, I write procedure manuals, but when the sun goes down, I maintain a popular blog that hosts a yearly writing contest judged by industry professionals.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

DL Hammons

That's it!

Please thank DL for sharing, but like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!

Patricia Moussatche's Current Query Critiqued II

This morning we have Patchi's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear [Agent name],

Last year, you showed interest in my novel The Legacy of the Eye If it was published, this goes in italics. If it wasn't, ALL CAPS. (Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space). I am now seeking representation for my YA fantasy SHROUDED GODDESS.

Seventeen(-)year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.

Hmm. Okay, this isn't bad, but as I often see, most of this is the situation Sophie finds herself in, moreso than the CHARACTER she is.

One thing I think people often forget when they write queries is that CHARACTERS exist before STORIES. STORIES are important, of course, and they are a fundamental part of human culture, but STORY is nothing without CHARACTER. And what I mean by that is more than voice and arc and style and pluck and so on. I mean that as writers, we must remember that our CHARACTERS are people. They have a life before their STORY starts, and in order to really make our readers care about them, we've got to show them what kind of people our CHARACTERS are.

So, how does that relate to your query? Well, we get a little sense of Sophie from her situation--she's an aboriginal person living in a colonized state, and her cousin is both attracted to her (creepily, it seems) and about to become a baron. This is all well and good, and the most important detail here (when it comes to CHARACTER) is that she is constantly "fending" him off. This tells us a good deal about who Sophie is. What kind of person. What her CHARACTER is.

But you could do more. If you really want to get your reader to sympathize with your protagonist and care about whether or not she succeeds, introduce her to them with plenty of personality before you go into what's going on in her plight.

According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. Cousin, grandmother, uncle ... so it's all a family affair? This is getting a little confusing. They're all tribal people if they're all related, right? So where are the invaders? Her uncle and her cousin are serving the invaders as puppets or something? All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging, his baronet father executed for treason, and his manor burnt to the ground.

Okay, this is getting interesting. We have a potential love interest, and he's being persecuted by her own family, who are in power (even though we don't exactly understand how or why), and that certainly sets up some great potential conflict. If you could just make the politics a little clearer, I think you'd be in good shape here.

Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Whoa. Nice twist. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.

This doesn't really end on a sadistic CHOICE note, but you've sort of got one implied there. She can hunt for this other goddess, or try to convince the one she already found to step up. Not the toughest choice ever, but it could work.

SHROUDED GODDESS is a 63,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the 16th century. With Avatar waterbending Whoa. You mean Avatar: The Last Airbender? If so, that's AWESOME. in the rainforest, this novel It's not technically a novel until it's published. Right now it's a manuscript or a story. will appeal to fans of Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Patricia Moussatche

So, in summary, I see two main problems with this query.

First, is the lack of sympathetic characterization of your protagonist before you get into the plot and conflict. I already went off about that for a while up above, so I'll move on to the second point:

The invaders. You bring them up in your opening hook, and then never mention them again. It seems to me that the uncle and the cousin are somehow working with or serving the invaders, but it's not actually certainly clear. Is that right? If so, you should probably clarify it a little better in this query. You've got the room.

That's it!

What do you all think?

Patricia Moussatche's Current Query II

We've had one of Patchi from My Middle Years' queries on this blog before. Please welcome her back, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!

The query:

Dear [Agent name],

Last year, you showed interest in my novel The Legacy of the Eye (Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space). I am now seeking representation for my YA fantasy SHROUDED GODDESS.

Seventeen year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.

According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging, his baronet father executed for treason, and his manor burnt to the ground.

Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.

SHROUDED GODDESS is a 63,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the 16th century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this novel will appeal to fans of Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Patricia Moussatche

That's it!

Please thank Patchi for sharing with us, and come back tomorrow!

Andrea Franco-Cook's Current Query Critiqued

Good morning. Today we have Andrea's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Brief personal opening here-catered to agent.

An ancient evil looms over Soledad Mendoza, although she just doesn't know it. Bonus points for naming your protagonists (I hope) in your opening line, but otherwise this is vague and a bit cliche. Honestly, vague language is the main problem I see with queries that just don't quite work. More on that in a minute. For thirty years the widowed English professor has lived in the sleepy city of Charleston, West Virginia. Good. See how this kind of very specific language works so much better? We still don't have great sense of CHARACTER, but we have some, and we certainly have a clear idea of her situation. Her boredom and loneliness are often drowned in nightly jiggers of scotch and lesson plans. This isn't exactly fair. You can't mention Scotch in a query and not have me love it. But all this changes when her father's sudden death plunges her into a supernatural war, and a secret family history that began in a Mayan jungle during the sixteenth-century. Whoa, okay.

So, as opening paragraphs go, this is really uneven. It starts out vague, and with little sense of CHARACTER, but then slowly starts to improve, revealing at least a specific situation, and a character of good taste, if boring evenings, and then it kind of goes nuts.

You are also lacking a consistent sense of voice and tone. Up until the final sentence of this paragraph, it sounds like this book will be a quiet literary character study of a lonely widowed English professor. You know, something almost Franzen-esque, but then suddenly at the end here, you reveal a much more exciting story, with loads of potential conflict brought on by an unique and fascinating inciting incident. You don't want to surprise readers like this. Try to see if you can work that kind of supernatural thriller type tone into your opening lines as well.

Enter U.S. Senator Earl Edmondson Ugh. Not a query level issue so much as a story level one, but alliteration in character names always makes me cringe a little—a friend of her late father and a key power player in this war. His pact with a malevolent god all but assures the senator's ascendance to the presidency. However, his unholy aspirations are threatened when he discovers Soledad is set to inherit the Ouroboros amulet—a mystical weapon of indescribable power.

Hmm. This is getting kind of cool, but I have to say the dichotomy between how this query starts out (contemporary, normal, realistic world) and where it is now still feels jarring. Obviously all stories, even paranormal ones, start out in a somewhat comfortable beginning before the STORY/CONFLICT/PLOT begins, but that doesn't mean you want the query to work that way.

Just as her enemies are converging, in walks a Mayan winged-god, Whoa. Um ... okay. First, it should be "winged Mayan god." Unless winged-god is some kind of specific god-type in the world of your story, those adjectives are out of order. But otherwise, this is pretty cool. I hope he's hot. who may be her salvation or her damnation. He claims to have been her family's protector for centuries, but Soledad soon realizes she is merely a pawn in the god's supernatural game of treachery. As she struggles with her new found responsibility, Soledad must accept her fate and use the amulet against Edmondson if she hopes to stop him from taking over the White House. There's just one problem, her father took the weapon's location to his grave.

Oh. She doesn't even have it yet? Damn. That sucks.

Okay, so ... this query has a lot of cool elements. You actually end with a pretty good sense of a sadistic CHOICE. It could be a little clearer, but it's not bad. I won't nitpick this paragraph, but will try to cover the big picture in my summary.

Pawn of The Gods PAWN OF THE GODS is a completed 95,000 word Adult Urban Fantasy novel, and it is the first of a planned series. This tale of an ordinary English professor who is caught in a battle between good and evil flashes back and forth between the Sixteenth and twenty-first centuries, blending Spanish history with Mayan lore and apocalyptic Christian beliefs.

This is actually pretty good housekeeping, brief and to the point.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Andrea Franco-Cook

Okay, so in summary, this query has a lot of the elements that make queries great: clear CONFLICT, a sense of a tough CHOICE to be made, specific scenarios and situations, but it isn't quite gelling for me as is.

The biggest problem is your opening. "Widowed," "English professor," "sleepy city," these are all things that happen to Soledad, or positions she holds, are settings she is in. Drinking Scotch while being bored and lonely grading papers at night is really the only sense of CHARACTER we get for your protagonist.

That is not enough!

The most important thing in any query letter (frankly, in any STORY) is CHARACTER. If we don't care about your character, and sympathize with her as a person, we're not going to care (or at least not as much) about what happens to her or whether she succeeds at whatever she's trying to accomplish.

CONFLICT and CHOICE are great, and they are important, and you even cover them pretty well here, but we've got almost no sense of who Soledad is before her story starts. Sure, we can infer some things from her situation, and by the fact that she reacts to it by drinking alone with her boredom, but we need more, and we need it right up front in this query.

That's it.

What do you all think? Any other suggestions?

Andrea Franco-Cook's Current Query

Today we have Andrea Franco-Cook's current query. If you don't know Andrea, you should visit her blog and give it a follow.

Now, the query:

Dear Agent,

Brief personal opening here-catered to agent.

An ancient evil looms over Soledad Mendoza, although she just doesn't know it. For thirty years the widowed English professor has lived in the sleepy city of Charleston, West Virginia. Her boredom and loneliness are often drowned in nightly jiggers of scotch and lesson plans. But all this changes when her father's sudden death plunges her into a supernatural war, and a secret family history that began in a Mayan jungle during the sixteenth-century.

Enter U.S. Senator Earl Edmondson—a friend of her late father and a key power player in this war. His pact with a malevolent god all but assures the senator's ascendance to the presidency. However, his unholy aspirations are threatened when he discovers Soledad is set to inherit the Ouroboros amulet—a mystical weapon of indescribable power.

Just as her enemies are converging, in walks a Mayan winged-god , who may be her salvation or her damnation. He claims to have been her family's protector for centuries, but Soledad soon realizes she is merely a pawn in the god's supernatural game of treachery. As she struggles with her new found responsibility, Soledad must accept her fate and use the amulet against Edmondson if she hopes to stop him from taking over the White House. There's just one problem, her father took the weapon's location to his grave.

Pawn of The Gods is a completed 95,000 word Adult Urban Fantasy novel, and it is the first of a planned series. This tale of an ordinary English professor who is caught in a battle between good and evil flashes back and forth between the Sixteenth and twenty-first centuries, blending Spanish history with Mayan lore and apocalyptic Christian beliefs.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Andrea Franco-Cook

That's it!

Please thank Andrea for sharing, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow.

Stephen Tremp's Current Query Critiqued

Today we have Stephen's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear [Agent Name], I am writing you because according to _______ you are a big fan of mystery suspense thriller genres featuring average characters in extraordinary circumstances. My 80,000-word novel, Murcat Manor MURCAT MANOR, inspired by the mischievous nocturnal cats in my parents’ one hundred year old house, is one I hope you will also become passionate about.

Bob Stevens has plenty to worry about. I would recommend you cut this. You're telling us something you're about to show us anyway, so that means it's just wasted words. Besides, if your protagonist doesn't have plenty to worry about, you don't have a story. Stories = CONFLICT.

When Bob and Debbie Stevens lose their idyllic jobs, Vague. Just tell us what they did. What's an idyllic job, anyway? And are they hiring? home, and savings, the only opportunity left to rebuild their lives is to open Murcat Manor. I thought they lost their home? Is this a different property? How could they afford it? It's one of the few bed and breakfasts in the region, set on twenty five rural acres in the rolling hills of southwestern Michigan. Legends of curses, ghosts, and nineteen deaths from two burned down houses once occupying the land do not diminish their dreams of raising a family while earning a living. Raising kids in the same house you're running a B&B? Now there's a setup for conflict.

I'm not sure about this as an opening paragraph. You've got some good ideas, and it's certainly not a setting or premise I've come across before, but there's very little sense of CHARACTER, and the inciting incident seems incredibly vague. I would recommend you start with a little more about who Bob and Debbie are before their lives fall apart and their story starts.

But Bob has unforeseen conflicts far beyond his ability to manage. A belligerent mother-in-law who co-signed the three million dollar loan on Murcat Manor wants him to relinquish his interest. Aha! Okay, this is good, see? Specific. Meaty. Something we can sink our teeth into. Thirteen psychotic killer cats, possessed by souls of disembodied daughters of witches hung at the Salem Witch Trials, are killing his guests. Wow! This is crazy, and a little bit ridiculous, but also pretty awesome. I love that it's so unique. Before long, two local detectives want to arrest him for the murders.

Okay ... so. Things are getting weird now, but it's kind of cool. It's hard sometimes to separate a query critique from a story/premise critique, but I'll try to keep myself divorced from focusing too much on the idea of this story.

You do have an interesting and clearly defined CONFLICT getting set up here, though, and that is certainly a requirement of any good query. There are some questions and confusions to work out, like why would disembodied daughters of Witches killed at Salem travel all the way to Michigan to do their haunting, and how exactly do little old cats kill anyone, but that's okay, because you've got the bones of a decent CONFLICT here, and that's the most important fundamental of a query letter.

Thirteen kittens, found in the burned out rubble from the previous farm house, had seemed like the perfect pets to keep their guests company. But the Stevens soon learn these are no ordinary cats, and the cycle of terror and murder begins again with each new wave of guests.

Yeah, so ... this is just weird. But I can't help but kind of like it. Your working title MURCAT MANOR, sounds really tongue-in-cheek, so I was initially thinking this would be some kind of campy/comedy horror or something, but it seems like you intend for it to be a mystery and thriller to be taken seriously. I would recommend you maybe consider a more serious title. Even MURDERCAT MANOR, as silly as that sounds, is a little better (only because the TV SHOW, MEERCAT MANOR, is one of the most adorable things on television).

Murcat Manor will appeal to readers of the mystery, thriller, suspense, and paranormal genres.
Or .....
Murcat Manor will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Stephen King, and Jeffery Deaver.

I don't like either of these, to be honest. I mean they just come off sounding a little lazy. If you're going to compare your work to heavyweights of the industry like this, at least make sure it's clear you know what you're talking about. Compare your manuscript to a specific title, and make it obvious that you know your genre because the title is a logical comparison. Stephen King has several books that might work. CUJO, and PET SEMETARY, for example. I don't know Dean Koontz as well, but the man has written something like a hundred books, so surely there's one that fits.

I have a B.A. in information systems and an MBA in Global Management. Why is your bachelor's degree not capitalized but your master's is? Also, shouldn't an information systems degree, which is a subset of computer science, be a B.S., not a B.A? I'm not doubting you, but it looks weird. With a background in information systems, management, and finance, I can draw from my varied and complex experimental knowledge What is experimental knowledge? to write one of a kind thrillers. Merging science and the supernatural is my specialty.

I wouldn't worry too much about this paragraph because honestly, you should cut it all. If you were querying a manuscript that had hacking or international corporate espionage in it, this stuff might be more relevant, but it's not important to why you are the best writer to tell this story.

I have previously written and published The Breakthrough Trilogy: The Adventures of Chase Manhattan, The Breakthrough Trilogy: The Adventure of Chase Manhattan; There is some debate about this. In my experience, conventional wisdom says that WORKING TITLES of unpublished manuscripts go in ALL CAPS in query letters, and Titles of Published Works go in Italics, but lately the industry seems to maybe be moving toward using all caps for both. Do your research, but whatever you do, don't put titles in Plain Old Text. that have been in Barnes and Nobles and Borders Books across the country with 10,000 physical sales and downloads due? in part to countless book signings and relentless marketing on my behalf. I would be careful about this. 10,000 sales is a good number for self-publishing. But is that 10,000 total sales of 3 volumes in a trilogy, combined e-books and print copy sales? 10,000 sales is 10,000 sales, and you should certainly be proud of that, but if you're going to use it for leverage in a query, make you are as specific as possible. Please view my Media Kit for more information, at: http://authorstephentremp.blogspot.com/p/media-page.html

I write a blog where my focus is science, science fiction, writing, and promoting. Link to your blog. I have also taught at online schools and symposiums. What are the names of them? Link to evidence.

Thank you in advance for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon. I have included the first ten pages. The entire manuscript is available upon request.

Okay, so in summary I think you're off to a good start here. Your middle is pretty strong, and although the beginning and the end need work, they're not a complete mess or anything.

I would recommend you open with a paragraph that introduces a strong sense of CHARACTER first, so that we can care about Bob and root for him in his struggles, before you get to anything about hook, inciting incident, or the subsequent CONFLICT.

Finally, some sense of a sadistic CHOICE would help entice the reader to want to move on to your sample pages. I mean, it's probably easy to infer that the Stevens could decide to try to kill the cats, or sell the B&B, or any number of other options, but if you clarify for us a sense of what they actually choose in the story, if would help this query end on a high note.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anything I missed? Anything you would add?

Stephen Tremp's Current Query

Today we have Stephen Tremp's query letter for a new novel.

Query Letter

Dear [Agent Name], I am writing you because according to _______ you are a big fan of mystery suspense thriller genres featuring average characters in extraordinary circumstances. My 80,000-word novel, Murcat Manor, inspired by the mischievous nocturnal cats in my parents’ one hundred year old house, is one I hope you will also become passionate about.

Bob Stevens has plenty to worry about.

When Bob and Debbie Stevens lose their idyllic jobs, home, and savings, the only opportunity left to rebuild their lives is to open Murcat Manor. It's one of the few bed and breakfasts in the region, set on twenty five rural acres in the rolling hills of southwestern Michigan. Legends of curses, ghosts, and nineteen deaths from two burned down houses once occupying the land do not diminish their dreams of raising a family while earning a living.

But Bob has unforeseen conflicts far beyond his ability to manage. A belligerent mother-in-law who co-signed the three million dollar loan on Murcat Manor wants him to relinquish his interest. Thirteen psychotic killer cats, possessed by souls of disembodied daughters of witches hung at the Salem Witch Trials, are killing his guests. Before long, two local detectives want to arrest him for the murders.

Thirteen kittens, found in the burned out rubble from the previous farm house, had seemed like the perfect pets to keep their guests company. But the Stevens soon learn these are no ordinary cats, and the cycle of terror and murder begins again with each new wave of guests.

Murcat Manor will appeal to readers of the mystery, thriller, suspense, and paranormal genres.
Or .....
Murcat Manor will appeal to fans of Dean Koontz, Stephen King, and Jeffery Deaver.

I have a B.A. in information systems and an MBA in Global Management. With a background in information systems, management, and finance, I can draw from my varied and complex experimental knowledge to write one of a kind thrillers. Merging science and the supernatural is my specialty.

I have previously written and published The Breakthrough Trilogy: The Adventures of Chase Manhattan, that have been in Barnes and Nobles and Borders Books across the country with 10,000 physical sales and downloads in part to countless book signings and relentless marketing on my behalf. Please view my Media Kit for more information, at: http://authorstephentremp.blogspot.com/p/media-page.html

I write a blog where my focus is science, science fiction, writing, and promoting. I have also taught at online schools and symposiums.

Thank you in advance for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you soon. I have included the first ten pages. The entire manuscript is available upon request.

That's it.

Please thank Stephen for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow!

Check Your Head

Man, it's been a while. Anyway, I'm over at Project Middle Grade Mayhem today, expanding on a theme I started a long time ago, in my old post Storytelling. If you have time, please drop by and check it out.

Second Daughter Release Day

NEW RELEASE

Second Daughter (The Dharian Affairs #2)

Assassins, skyships, and royal intrigue...

Kindle, Kobo, AllRomance

Second Daughter is the second book in The Dharian Affairs trilogy (Third Daughter, Second Daughter, First Daughter). This steampunk-goes-to-Bollywood (Bollypunk!) romance takes place in an east-Indian-flavored alternate world filled with skyships, assassins, royal romance and intrigue.

Reviews of the first book, Third Daughter:

"The author fuses carriages, steam trains, airships and clockwork with the rich eastern culture that underlies Bollywood storytelling..." - Cherie Reich

"The political intrigue, the steampunk gadgets, and the beautiful costumes kept me in wonderment." - Tony Benson

“Third Daughter is vividly breathtaking. Quinn delivers royal intrigue, exotic locations, and sweeping romance. Not to be missed!” - Pavarti Tyler, author of Shadow on the Wall

ON SALE - 99 cents until 7/21

Third Daughter (The Dharian Affairs #1)

Kindle, Nook, Kobo, iTunes, AllRomance

(also available in print)

The Third Daughter of the Queen wants her birthday to arrive so she'll be free to marry for love, but rumors of a new flying weapon may force her to accept a barbarian prince's proposal for a peace-brokering marriage. Desperate to marry the charming courtesan she loves, Aniri agrees to the prince's proposal as a subterfuge in order to spy on him, find the weapon, and hopefully avoid both war and an arranged marriage to a man she does not love.

NEW

Both books now have a map!

Download the map free here

Speedy Tweets to Share:

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Thank you so much for helping me get this book out in the world!

Win

paperback copy of Third Daughter 

$10 Amazon Gift Card

check out the gorgeous formatting of the print book!

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Covering Critique Methods at Project Mayhem Part II

The final post in my series about critique and Microsoft Word is up over at Project Middle Grade Mayhem today. Please stop by and check it out!

Celebrating SURVIVING BEAR ISLAND, by Paul Greci

I just love the illustrated oil painting look of this cover! Paul Greci is one of my co-authors at Project Mayhem, and he is celebrating the cover of his debut novel over at his blog. Please stop by and congratulate him!

Tracey Neithercott's Current Query Critiqued

I'm going to try to slide this in before the phone starts ringing here at the office. Today we have Tracey's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

Here's the letter.

Dear Agent TK,

[TK personalized introduction]

Seventeen-year-old Syna Karras knows there’s no such thing as murder. Let me stop you right there. This line is a nice hook, and it definitely makes me want to read on, but I don't think you should get to it so fast. For one thing, this query is short, so you've got room, but for another, don't jump right into plot and world based elements until you've got us caring about your character. There is nothing more important in STORY, or a query for that matter, than CHARACTER. Think about it - what's the most successful movie in the theater right now? The Fault in Our Stars, right? You know why people love that book? The CHARACTERS. Not much happens in the plot, right? But we would have followed Augustus and Hazel Grace anywhere, wouldn't we? That's because we care about them. We are sympathetic to their plight. Make sure you do the same with your query (as much as room allows). It doesn't take much. Just a few choice words about what kind of person Syna is before her story begins. It’s 2055, and thanks to the software embedded in everybody’s minds, criminals are arrested before they commit a crime. Which is why Syna should believe her father died of natural causes.

But she doesn’t.

Other than my nitpick about your CHARACTER, this is a pretty decent opening. I'm curious to know more about how this software works, but that's probably too complicated to explain in a query, and curiosity is a good thing when it comes to wanting to read on. 

As for your hook, it's pretty solid. We know there's some Minority Report style pre-crime enforcement going on, which has been done, but not in YA, to my knowledge, so that's kind of a good twist, and more importantly, you've set it up so that world building element directly effects the conflict, which sounds like a nice little mystery.

Not when the autopsy reveals his healthy heart abruptly stopped beating. Not when her father raised her on stories of serial killers of the past, slipping gruesome details into dinnertime conversation. And not when he left behind top-secret government files with blacked-out phrases and a warning of danger.

Richard made a point yesterday that these are sentence fragments. He is technically correct, of course, but I don't have a problem with it. Sometimes, for style and voice, ignoring grammar rules can be effective. Here, the syntax conveys a sense of urgency, and frustration, and fear. As least that's how it reads to me.

On a more story level scale, this certainly heightens the tension, raises the stakes, and provides for excellent conflict potential.

When a family friend dies in the same mysterious way as her father, Syna’s convinced murder is as real as the slice of a knife across soft flesh. This sounds a little off. Of all the things that would sit solidly in the realm of "this is definitely real," why would Syna think of a knife slicing across soft flesh? Without some context to clue us in to why her mind would go there, it sounds a little out of place. She’ll do whatever’s necessary to take down the man Does she know it's a man? Minor detail, but still. who stole the most important person from her life—even team up with her arrogant ex-best friend Linden Pearce to gain access to files his father, the Secretary of Defense, might have hidden. They have to work fast, because more people are dying, people who have a connection to her dad. What connection? This is vague, and the last thing you want in a query is vague language mucking up the impact. Just tell us what her father did when he was alive, and it will make much more sense. And with the killer aware of her investigation, Syna could be next. so Syna must decide whether to give up and save herself, or risk her life to uncover her father's murderer.

See how that packs a little more punch at the end? Obviously not the most sadistic choice ever, since we know she's not going to give up, but phrasing the end of a query with a choice always gives the reader more incentive to be interested in the pages than ending on something that wraps it up more neatly.

Complete at 79,000 words, ABERRATION is science fiction without the dystopia, I don't think this is necessary, but I get the feeling you chose this phrasing for a specific reason. Besides, pre-crime sounds pretty dystopian to me. set in a Minority Report–like world. It will appeal to fans of sci-fi mysteries such as Across the Universe Across the Universe by Beth Revis, All Our Yesterdays All Our Yesterdays by Cristin Terrill, and The Adoration of Jenna Fox The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E. Pearson. Titles of published works go in italics in query letters. I also think two comparison titles is enough, and if I was going to drop one, it would probably be the third title, since I haven't heard of it. I’m a journalist with ten years of writing under my belt. My work has appeared in magazines such as Prevention, AARP, Capitol File, Philadelphia Style, and Diabetes Forecast. Again, published works, italics.

Okay, so in summary: I think this query is in decent shape. The plot, conflict, and story elements are all there, and are all strong. Be more specific about who her dad was, and why he knew what he knew (and probably therefore why he got murdered), and then tighten up your final line so that your reader has no choice but to want to see the pages, and then your story elements will be just about perfect.

Which leaves us with your opening, and its lack of character. Don't worry too much, I read a lot of queries, and the most common thing they seem to lack is introducing a character in such a way that we immediately care about and sympathize with them. CHARACTER is the most important of the three Cs (CHARACTER, CONFLICT, and CHOICE), and if you don't have a character we want to root for, everything that comes after carries less weight, no matter how cool it is. 

Introduce us to an interesting, unique person we can care about and sympathize with right away. It doesn't matter if she's kind and humble, or brash and clever, as long as she's interesting, she will shine, which I'm sure she does in the manuscript, so make sure she does in the query too.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anything I missed? Anything you disagree with?

Tracey Neithercott's Current Query

Tracey is awesome. She's one of my co-authors at YA Confidential, and she's great with graphics like at The Kindness Project.

Here is her query:

Dear Agent TK,

[TK personalized introduction]

Seventeen-year-old Syna Karras knows there’s no such thing as murder. It’s 2055, and thanks to the software embedded in everybody’s minds, criminals are arrested before they commit a crime. Which is why Syna should believe her father died of natural causes.

But she doesn’t.

Not when the autopsy reveals his healthy heart abruptly stopped beating. Not when her father raised her on stories of serial killers of the past, slipping gruesome details into dinnertime conversation. And not when he left behind top-secret government files with blacked-out phrases and a warning of danger.

When a family friend dies in the same mysterious way as her father, Syna’s convinced murder is as real as the slice of a knife across soft flesh. She’ll do whatever’s necessary to take down the man who stole the most important person from her life—even team up with arrogant ex-best friend Linden Pearce to gain access to files his father, the Secretary of Defense, might have hidden. They have to work fast, because more people are dying, people who have a connection to her dad. And with the killer aware of her investigation, Syna could be next.

Complete at 79,000 words, ABERRATION is science fiction without the dystopia, set in a Minority Report–like world. It will appeal to fans of sci-fi mysteries such as Across the Universe by Beth Revis, All Our Yesterdays by Cristin Terrill, and The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E. Pearson. I’m a journalist with ten years of writing under my belt. My work has appeared in magazines such as Prevention, AARP, Capitol File, Philadelphia Style, and Diabetes Forecast.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

That's it!

Please thank Tracey in the comments, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

G.I.R.L. at YA Confidential

I'm over at YA Confidential today, doing a tandem interview/review with my friend Sara Ahiers of Steve Brezenoff's new book: GUY IN REAL LIFE. Stop by and check it out!

Cover Reveal: The Five Stages of Andrew Brawley, by Shaun David Hutchinson

I consider myself very lucky to have Shaun not only as a friend, but as a critique partner. He had his debut novel, THE DEATHDAY LETTER, published just as I started blogging, but he was never anything but kind and humble, always offering not only brilliant feedback on my own work, but truly inspiring support and encouragement as well. He has become one of the greatest mentors in my own writing that a guy could ever ask for.

But today isn't about me.

It's about Shaun, and the cover his amazing new novel: THE FIVE STAGES OF ANDREW BRAWLEY, which is a beautiful, heart-rendingly sad, but ultimately important book.

Without further ado, here is the gorgeous cover:

Can we talk for a minute about how much I love this cover? Okay? Okay.

I suppose you'll have to read the book before you understand why I love this model so much, but even before that, I can tell you this: when I first saw this cover and the model, I wasn't sure. I'd pictured Andrew as a little older, and a little ... more ... jaded? I don't know. That's not the right word. But since looking this model in the eye for a while, I've decided that he has the perfect balance of innocence and determination in his eyes.

Andrew Brawley is one of my favorite YA characters EVER, and I'm pleased to say that I think this cover model captures him perfectly.

Before I go into what else I like about this cover, let me show you the jacket copy (which I think may be revealed here first, because Goodreads doesn't seem to have it yet):

Andrew Brawley was supposed to die that night, along with the rest of his family.

Now he lives in the hospital, serving food in the cafeteria, hanging out with the nurses, and sleeping in a forgotten supply closet. Drew blends in to near invisibility, hiding from his past, his guilt, and those who are trying to find him. His only solace is in the superhero he’s created, Patient F, and the drawing he does when no one is watching.

One night, when Rusty is wheeled into the ER burned on half his body by hateful classmates, his agony calls out to Drew like a beacon, pulling them both together through all their pain and grief. In Rusty, Drew sees hope, happiness, and a future for both of them. A future outside the hospital, and away from their pasts.

Drew knows that life is never that simple. Death roams the hospital, searching for Drew, and now Rusty. Drew lost his family, but he refuses to lose Rusty too. He’s determined to make things right, and to bargain, in whatever way he can, for Rusty’s survival.

But Death is not easily placated, and Drew’s life will have to get worse before there is any chance for things to get better. He’ll have to confront what really happened the night his family died, and tell the truth about who he really is—even if that truth may destroy any chance of a future.

I mean, have you ever heard anything more awesome?

Anyway, other than the model, which is obviously the main feature, I really love not only the font itself, but the way it kind of halos Andrew's face, and especially, I just love, love, love the way "A Novel" peeks over his shoulder like a thought bubble.

This novel is ... I don't want to say "partly a graphic novel," because that's not exactly accurate, and I don't know how the publisher is handling that part, but I'm hoping maybe Shaun will stop by this morning, if he's allowed to tell us anything more.

Book Birthday for PUSH GIRL

Head over to YA Confidential to read about this new release from my friend and blog co-author Jessica Love and her novel co-author Chelsie Hill.

Covering Critique Methods at Project Mayhem

I'm over at Project Mayhem, posting about full manuscript critiques this morning.

Tanya Miranda's Current Query Critiqued

Today we have Tanya's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Eighteen-year-old Jasmyn McKeery is next in line to inherit Grandma Agatha's magic. Tradition dictates her magic is passed on to the next female kin, but Agatha feels Jasmyn's jealousy and bitterness towards her eight-year-old sister Katarina may be a problem. She struggles with a decision that will affect both their lives and possibly worsen their relationship. Neither Katarina nor Jasmyn knows of their grandmother's gift or of the inheritance. Agatha takes her secret to her grave.

Okay, this ... started out pretty well. I mean that first sentence ain't half bad, but then ... it gets pretty confusing, pretty fast. 

This query is missing any housekeeping, so I don't really know if this is intended as a YA novel, and regardless of whether it is or not, what genre it fits in. Furthermore, with the opening line the way it is, it seems Jasmyn would be our protagonist, but then the rest of the paragraph tumbles into this odd space where it seems like it's Agatha's story, not Jasmyn's.

Their grandmother's death reopens old wounds and the rift between Jasmyn and Katarina grows. Through fits of sadness and resentment, spells are accidentally recited and rituals are unintentionally performed. With the powers unbeknownst to them, the sisters release an indestructible nemesis from a supernatural prison and now the world is in danger.

And then Agatha dies? That's not necessarily a problem, in the sense of story structure and building conflict, but the way this query is built that makes most of the first paragraph essentially pointless. It's not so much that the details you share in that paragraph aren't worthwhile, it's just that the way they're worded, they sound like parts of Agatha's story, not Jasmyn and Katarina's.

Assuming you can reword that paragraph so that whose story it is becomes clear, the details of this second paragraph need to be worked on too. The conflict is good and clear, but how the sisters go about combating it is vague and needs to be clarified with specificity. What or who is this nemesis? How did they release it? Exactly what kind of supernatural prison was it in, and can they send it back?

I understand you don't want to give everything away in a query, but outside of perhaps the ending, there's not much point in holding back important details from an agent you're hoping will represent you as an author.

Agatha's secret is soon revealed How? and Katarina is thought By who? to have been the chosen one. Feeling betrayed by her grandmother and ousted by the rest of her family, Jasmyn flees her home and leaves the world-saving efforts to Katarina and her magic.

This is kind of a nice twist, but it also actually confuses things even more. What we thought at first was Agatha's story, and then Jasmyn's, now becomes Katarina's? Who is eight years old? Is this a MG novel?

But Agatha At this point, considering she's dead, I would suggest you stop referring to her by her name. choice isn't exactly what everyone believes. Huh? How exactly is her choice revealed? Did she leave a will? Or is it just that whoever has the magic is the chosen one? Somehow, both Katarina and Jasmyn have inherited some of her magic, Ah, okay. and now they need to work together to capture the evil they've unleashed. It's difficult to tell what is the main conflict in the plot of this story. Is it the sibling rivalry, or the indestructible nemesis? If it's the nemesis, that needs to be given much more weight in the query. Can the two sister mend their broken relationship in time to defeat these monsters of darkness, or will their sibling rivalry be the death of them? And if it's both (which it now seems to be), that's fine, but don't let the nemesis take such a back seat in the query. Describing him/it/her or whatever specifically, and possibly even naming it, would make it much harder to forget about when you're covering all the sibling rivalry bits.

Okay, so in summary, this query needs some work. But not all is lost. You've clearly got the fundamentals of a good story here, and if you can just tease them out a bit better, and be more specific about the minutiae, you'd be on your way to a great query.

It's also highly unclear whether this is mainly Jasmyn's story, or whether perhaps it's Katarina's (or both), and you definitely need to clarify that, because it would make a hug difference in whether we're considering a YA novel, or a MG one.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anything I missed?

Tanya Miranda's Current Query

Today we have Tanya's query for THE BOX OF SOULS. Be sure to drop by her blog, and give it a follow.

Now, the letter:

Eighteen-year-old Jasmyn McKeery is next in line to inherit Grandma Agatha's magic. Tradition dictates her magic is passed on to the next female kin, but Agatha feels Jasmyn's jealousy and bitterness towards her eight-year-old sister Katarina may be a problem. She struggles with a decision that will affect both their lives and possibly worsen their relationship. Neither Katarina nor Jasmyn knows of their grandmother's gift or of the inheritance. Agatha takes her secret to her grave.

Their grandmother's death reopens old wounds and the rift between Jasmyn and Katarina grows. Through fits of sadness and resentment, spells are accidentally recited and rituals are unintentionally performed. With the powers unbeknownst to them, the sisters release an indestructible nemesis from a supernatural prison and now the world is in danger.

Agatha's secret is soon revealed and Katarina is thought to have been the chosen one. Feeling betrayed by her grandmother and ousted by the rest of her family, Jasmyn flees her home and leaves the world-saving efforts to Katarina and her magic.

But Agatha choice isn't exactly what everyone believes. Somehow, both Katarina and Jasmyn have inherited some of her magic, and now they need to work together to capture the evil they've unleashed. Can the two sister mend their broken relationship in time to defeat these monsters of darkness, or will their sibling rivalry be the death of them?

That's it!

Please thank Tanya for having the courage to share this, in the comments, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!

Marlene Moss' Current Query Critiqued

Okay. This god-forsaken penny-ante soul-sucking day job is trying to swallow my morning like an Arrakian Shai-Hulud.

Ahem. Sorry.

Let's get to work. Here is Marlene's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The query:

Dear Ms. Agent,

This is good. I mean, I know, pretty obvious, right? But I do think it's professional, especially in a cold query, to address an agent as Mister or Miz. Even if you've met them at a conference or something, this is a professional letter. Once you've communicated a few times, if they sign their replies with their first name, it's probably okay to start calling them that.

Eleven-year-old Mike loves all things science and science fiction and is determined to become an astronaut—assuming he can escape fifth grade with all the body parts required by NASA.

This is pretty great. CHARACTER. Voice. Humor. 

If I must nitpick? That's what we're here for, right? I would say we could always use even more characterization for Mike. I mean, he's the most important element of the query. We do know he's a science geek, (and an SF geek at that), and we can love that and sympathize with him right away, but even one more word or phrase about his personality would help even more. Is he shy? Precocious? A lover of all things geek, but maybe not the greatest student in the world?

Other than that, I would recommend not using em-dashes in query letter. I love em-dashes myself, since what they do to the rhythm and cadence of a sentence is unparalleled in the universe of punctuation, and they just look so bold and brash and daring on the page, but in query letters? Where the formatting per email client is a bit of a crap shoot? They can get garbled pretty quickly. If you must use them, I would recommend replacing them with the double-hyphen/dash, like this--see?

While hiding from the school bully, he meets an alien who tells him Earth will be surrounded by an anti-flight field unless humans are defined by which planets they can safely visit. This sounds really cool, except for one thing. Defined? What does that mean? I think you can word this better so it's clearer. You mean something like they'll be prohibited from visiting certain planets or something, right? On top of saving space flight, Mike figures he’ll gain scientific experience as he records the effects of candies from an intergalactic test dispenser. I love this, because it's so Middle Grade, but the effects candies have on what? But the sprinkles on the sundae? Great line! Temporary bully-stomping, superhero side-effects. Is that the effects the candies have? Because that is awesome.

This is pretty good. The exact nature of the conflict is maybe a little fuzzy, but you've got so much style, I'm thinking a lot of agents would want pages anyway. 

If you do want to get nitpicked, you could definitely try rewording to make the CONFLICT clearer. I mean Mike is the only one who knows about the alien, right? So what exactly does he have to do? See the president? Work with NASA? Fix it himself? Lots of excellent possibilities here, ripe for conflict, but try to be as specific as possible.

Mike’s ordered not to tell anyone, but how could he hide something as cool as first alien contact from his best friend? Good thing he spilled the Jellybeans because he needs his friends to save him from a fish transformation—complete with gills, webbed fingers, and flipper feet.

Again, this is great details, and a lot of fun and pitch-perfect MG voice, but it's still a little muddy as to specifics, and how the plot moves forward.

It’s all flying and invisibility games until fake federal agents invade town. Whoa. Fake eh? Cool twist. Forget bullies, Mike must save himself and his friends from alien Interstellar Enforcers determined to leave them in permanent stasis at the bottom of a mine so they can’t tell the world aliens exist.

Not bad, but one way to make a good query great is to end on an excellent sadistic choice. It's a little less necessary in MG, because a lot of times you wouldn't picture a kid that young ditching his friends to save himself (or whatever), but maybe Mike has to choose between going to the authorities and fixing things himself.

MIGHTY MIKE AND THE INTERGALACTIC CANDY DISPENSER is an MG sci-fi/adventure Science-Fiction Adventure complete at 49,000 words. You could really just say 50,000. It should appeal to those who enjoy the quirky characters in Nathan Bransford’s Jacob Wonderbar Jacob Wonderbar series or the problem solving skills of Marcia Wells’s Eddie Red Eddie Red.

Working titles go in ALL CAPS in queries. Published works go in italics.

I live in Colorado and train endurance horses while trying not to use my physics degree to calculate trajectories of unplanned dismounts.

This is a good example of how to bio when you have no real publishing credits. Just share something a little personal that has tons of flavor, voice, and personality!

Okay, so to summarize. I really think this query is already in great shape, Marlene. You've got so much voice and such a clear sense of the tastes of Middle Grade readers, I think you'd do pretty well with agents if you sent this out as is.

That said, it does lack a little structure and specificity. Try to really focus on CHARACTER, CONFLICT, and CHOICE, and if you can narrow things down so that you really strike those key elements as high points, the wonderful voice and personality that already shine through would glow the brighter.

I think the biggest thing you're lacking here is a clear sense of exactly how the conflict plays out. We know what it is (save space flight for Earth from the Aliens trying to restrict it) but it's really a bit unclear how Mike could possibly go about that, other than hiding from Aliens masquerading as Feds in a cave.

I hope that all makes sense.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anything I missed? Anything you disagree with? Please share your feedback in the comments, and have a great weekend!