Here we go:
Dear [Agent Name],
David and Catrine, top governance I don't understand this word in this context. graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day she kisses him on the way to their proposal defense. Proposal defense? Is that the name of a class? Some assignment they have to complete? It is the kind of kiss that makes a guy forget his speech. So the proposal defense is the speech? I'm not sure I'm clear on that. Catrine steps in to salvage their pitch, and earns for herself the directorship of the new program they proposed. Which is?
Except for some minor vagueness, and a few details that need to be clarified, this opening isn't bad. It improves on the strengths of your old version, and clues us into David and Catrine's relationship with more oomph, I think. The only thing is, you need to think about your inciting incident. Generally, it should be the hook that concludes your final paragraph. I suppose you could argue that the kiss is it, or even the directorship, but I think the key to the premise of this story is really the tattoo, and what it means as far as the potential to splinter David and Catrine's relationship.
When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath Catrine's hair, he is convinced she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. David is appalled by the discovery that a single family has been ruling Demia in secret since colonization. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.
I wouldn't change a thing about this paragraph. You've taken your premise, stakes, and inciting incident, and distilled them down into a very succinct summary.
As the utopia he has always cherished crumbles into a school-boy’s fantasy, fantasy or nightmare? David realizes his parents want to institute marriage on the planet by wedding him to Catrine. So, no one got married before? I'm not quite clear on that. They want to crown him the first king of Demia. If he exposes the ploy, David will ruin both his and Catrine's chances of ever governing their planet. He can only hope his governance degree will be worth something at the other end of the galaxy. This comes a little out of left field presented this way. The way you had it written in the old version is actually a little better. But Catrine cannot forget him, nor does she believe Demia can prosper without him. And she might just be the bait to lure him back home.
This final paragraph isn't bad, but I think the whole third paragraph is actually worded better in your earlier draft. If you combined that with the first two from here, you'd be in great shape.
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 86,000 words, is science fiction with romantic components. I would prefer the word elements to the word components, but I suppose that's just semantics. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. It will appeal to those who think Jane Austen should have penned 1984. This kind of comparison sounds cool, but I have no idea exactly what you mean. I kind of like it anyway, though, even if I'm not sure why.
Okay, in summary, I really think you're getting close here. Tweak the first paragraph with my suggestions, which should be:
- Clarify what the proposal is, what it means, and whether Catrine's directorship means David is out.
- Characterize your protagonists a little more. One word of personality can go a long way.
- Consider introducing David by himself at first. I realize this is a dual POV story, but queries tend to work best when they open with one character for us to care about.
What do you all think? Be sure to read the old version for comparison. Otherwise, have a great weekend!