Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday, everyone! I wish I could say that with more energy, but I'm exhausted. Anyway, we've got Nabila's query again today, and those of you who've seen me do this before will know that my feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear _____

After a fire burned down her home and her father and brother were lost to piracy, I would normally advise you to begin with character, but this opening line sneaks in great backstory, and it mentions pirates, so I'm not sure you can improve on that. I mean hello? Pirates. Anna and Shelly Manhar did the only thing they could: become pirates themselves, in order to find their family. You need to really think about this. It's possible that Anna does not die until the story has already begun, and if so, perhaps that's your inciting incident, but you absolutely should not introduce these two characters at the same time like this. We need to be certain who your story is about, as soon as possible. But when Anna dies in a mission gone awry, Shelly is left all by herself. Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly gathers a crew and sets sail, looking for vengeance.

You've got a lot of awesome in this paragraph, but you need to re-structure things. First of all, I get the feeling this is a Young Adult novel (in the sense that Shelly is a teenager for most of the story). If that's the case, we need to know how old she is, ASAP. If not, her age is not as important, but we do need to know more about her character, ASAP.

I would suggest you re-write this opening to something along these lines:

Fearless seventeen-year-old Shelly Jones thinks she's lost everything when her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after the family home burns down, but she soon learns life is crueler than she ever could've imagined. She and her little sister Anna take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas with gunpowder, blade, and cannon. But when Anna dies in a mission gone awry, Shelly is left all by herself. Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly gathers a crew and sets sail, looking for vengeance.

That's not perfect, but I'm sure you get my drift.

But sailing is never easy for a pirate, and This sounds kind of cliche, and you don't need it. Words are at a premium in a query, so make sure every single one counts. Shelly shockingly finds out discovers that her once lost brother is now has become a navy officer, ergo making him her enemy. Furthermore, he is working for the very same man who is responsible for Shelly’s predicament. Huh? If you're going to introduce us to the antagonist in your query, you need to be more specific. Who is this man (you don't necessarily have to name him) and how is he responsible for Shelly's plight? Did he burn her house down? Why? Torn between her desire for revenge and her goal to reunite her loved ones, she learns that what she knew about her family was not entirely true, Vague. Be as specific as possible. and her own past is as mysterious as the girl who follows her around everywhere she goes. What girl? Either leave this out, or make it clearer. As her (mis)adventure takes her from one edge of the Caribbean Sea to the other, Shelly finds new friends while trying to stay alive, learns that families come in all shapes and sizes, and understands that hidden treasures are kept hidden for a number of reasons, one of which is so that the world remains safe. This doesn't end badly, but you should try to focus on a difficult choice Shelly must make to achieve her goals. I get the feeling she's going to have to choose between fighting her brother and his navy friends, or running.

Despite being a student of engineering, writing has always been my passion. You don't need this. THE UNTAMED ONE, is completed at 91,112 90,000 words, is my first novel. You need to tell us what the genre is, and this is as good a spot for that as any. I also have my own blog, named “My Own Little Corner”. I'm undecided on this. Your blog is so new, I'm not sure whether an agent is going to take that as a good or bad sign. Let's see what my readers think. If you are interested, I would gladly send you either the first few chapters or the manuscript. The manuscript is available on request. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Looking forward to hearing from you.

In summary, you've got the makings of what is obviously an awesome story here. Even through some of the issues with the query, I can tell there is an exciting and moving tale underneath. What you need to focus on is tightening this letter until you can get the three main points of every story across: Character, Conflict, Choice.

Introduce us to Shelly first, show us who she is, and give us a reason to care about her. Then sprinkle in the backstory, and show us the inciting incident (this can be the house burning down, her sister getting killed, or almost anything, it depends on the story).

After that, use your second paragraph to focus on the main conflict of your plot. It sounds like fencing with the navy, and her brother, is the meat of the story, so expand on that, and be specific about exactly what happens.

Finally, finish up with a tough choice Shelly has to make. Obviously, she doesn't want to kill her brother, but can she save him from the navy without risking her own life (or something like that, whatever it is)?

That's it!

I would also strongly suggest you read The Dust of 100 Dogs, by A.S. King. First, because it's awesome, but also because your story sounds somewhat similar.

What do you guys think? Anyone disagree with me? Surely one of you can write a better opening hook than I did. Please vote on whether you think Nabila should mention such a brand new blog in her query.