Matt Hentschel's Current Query Critiqued

First of all, so sorry it took me so long to get this up. Work has been absolutely crazy today, which just goes to show you that writing your posts the day of is not always the best idea.

Anyway, let's get to work. My feedback will be in red.

The query:

Dear [Agent],

Bookish seventh(-)grader Laurel Rooseveldt never imagined her family’s move to Lonewater would result in the loss of her soul. I like this opening, you've done a great job with the thing most people forget, or miss on: Character. That being said, the rest is a bit cliche. Not too terrible, and probably workable, since you get specific about it later. After all, life in the pastoral town starts out well enough – I suggest people avoid em-dashes in query letters, because email can do funny things to the formatting. Laurel’s simple hope of making a friend is realized the moment she meets fearless tomboy Samantha Ellerton. You usually want to end your opening hook paragraph with some kind of inciting incident that hints at conflict, but I don't have a problem with this. I get the feeling these two get into lots of trouble together, and I love that you've given us two unique individuals with tons of character.

All in all, this is a very good opening. Perhaps not perfect, but an excellent start.

But beneath Lonewater’s serene façade lurks a dark and sinister secret: a boy named Charlie. For Charlie plays the unwilling host to something inhuman, something wicked which emerges from him to steal the souls of Lonewater’s children, leaving them in comas from which they never awaken. And Charlie cannot control it.

Um ... are you sure you've never done this before? This is getting really good.

At first Laurel doesn’t believe the stories of Charlie and the Soul-Thief. But when her younger brother becomes the abomination’s latest victim, they suddenly become far more real. With the reluctant help of Charlie himself, Laurel confronts the Thief in a desperate attempt to rescue her brother…but things go horribly wrong when Samantha unexpectedly intervenes.

I wouldn't change a thing here, Matt.

Torn from their reality, Laurel and Samantha now find themselves trapped in the world of the Soul-Thief, a strange, phantasmagoric dreamscape of endless night populated by bizarre beings and terrifying creatures. Together the two young girls must make their way through the surreal and frightening world, attempting to learn how to save not only Laurel’s brother, but all the souls the Thief has stolen – to include their own.

Matt, this query is already very good. I don't have many specific in text notes for you. I'll summarize at the end.

Complete at 78,300 78,000 words, A CHILD’S FAERIE-TALE is a young adult dark fantasy YA Dark Fantasy with series potential that I’m hoping will be of interest to you because [personalized reason].

I have been published as an artist and uncredited writer/editor for Mysterians Mytserians (Italicize previously published works in a query) (2008), a graphic novel available from Tokyopop. While not the first novel I have written, this is the first I have submitted for representation and publication. I would cut this last sentence, I don't think you need it.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Matt Hentschel

Okay, so in summary: wow! This is an excellent query. There isn't a whole lot to change here. If I had to nit-pick it, only because you've asked for a critique, I would say that your opening hook could be a bit stronger. It's already very good, full of voice and character, but you want it to pack as much punch as possible, in case an agent's assistant is skimming.

Other than that, the body of this query is excellent. You've got three incredible characters, fully realized, a simple but high stakes conflict, and even the hints of a difficult choice to make at the end. For some reason, this query reads like it's a little long, but I copied it into Word, and the meat is only 222 words, which is right under the sweet spot.

One last thing you might consider tightening is the summary at the end. I love the fact that you finish up by raising the stakes so high the girls might lose their own souls, but I think it would be even more powerful if you made it clear they had a tough choice to make. Maybe something about how they could escape and save themselves, and their souls, but they'd have to abandon the brother.

Man, this one was tough. I expect you'll be getting representation very soon, and I would be glad to feature this query again, as a success story (link), once you do. In fact, I would suggest you query Bree Ogden (link), who is a literary agent and the editor of Underneath the Juniper Tree (link), an online literary magazine, which publishes stuff just like this.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Isn't this query already very good?

And NOTE: If you didn't already see it, I'm posting at Project Mayhem today.