Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Christine Hardy's Current Query II

First - a few announcements. The A to Z Challenge banner has been removed. It's a little sad, because I'd gotten used to it, but the challenge is over, so it is what it is. The Challenge Reflection post badge is still up, so mark your calendars if you haven't already, and the navigation buttons will stay up for at least a month, because I'm still using them to try to make sure I visit every blog that signed up at least once.

In other news, I'm honored to have been invited to join the group blog YA Confidential, which is an exciting blog about YA Books, writing for young people, and everything in between. Please do visit, and make sure you're following us! Speaking of which, if you're new here, from the challenge, I also blog at Project Middle Grade Mayhem, which is another group blog, with a focus on Middle Grade books and readers, so please check and make sure you're following there as well!

Finally, I know a lot of people are taking some time off after the challenge, but I don't have that luxury. I've got several people waiting for query critiques, so I have to get right back to work. I will dearly miss those nice, easy, short posts, though.

So, here we have Christine Hardy's query, again. You may remember she had a query letter for this same project on the blog not long ago, but she asked me to critique her revision, so he we are. Visit the original post, to find links to Christine's blog.

Here we go:

Dear Agent,

Faldur is a captain in the king’s rangers of Belhanor. He battles rebels, hunts killer lions left over from the last war, and keeps an eye on Marenya, the now-grown daughter of his deceased mentor. When Marenya’s cousin becomes engaged to the crown prince, he is assigned to escort the ladies to the capital for the wedding. Rebels attack them on the road and Marenya allows herself to be captured in her cousin’s place in order to allow an injured Faldur and the bride to escape.

Faldur must leave Marenya behind in order to fulfill his duty, forcing him to realize his feelings for her aren’t as brotherly as he thought they were. By the time he is able to go back for her, she has been taken to a secret stronghold in the mountains by the leader of the rebel movement: the prince’s younger brother who is also Faldur’s long-lost friend.

Marenya believes her captor is under magical thrall to the king’s uncle, who is using him as a puppet to take over the throne. Faldur must decide whether to kill his former friend or help her try to free him, in order to save his country and the woman he loves.

THE GOLDEN GRYPHON is complete in 100,000 words. [insert standard language]

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Christine for her courage in the comments. Happy May Day, everyone!

21 comments:

Jessica Bell said...

Glad you survived the chaos. Happy May day to you too!

Dianne K. Salerni said...

Hi, Christine! I remember your query from before, and I think this one is more direct and clear! I'll be sure to come back tomorrow with more comments. Thanks for sharing your revision with us! We all learn when we watch other people grow!

Rusty Webb said...

Wow. You are back at it without missing a beat. That's dedication.

Natalie Aguirre said...

Congrats on joining YA Confidential. How awesome. And looking forward to Christine's critique tomorrow.

Jess said...

Love the title of this one~ I don't know how you're keeping up with everything on your plate...you must eat a lot of spinach! (that was a really lame Pop-eye reference, because spinach gives him energy...okay, I've clearly been away from the blogosphere for awhile, and have forgotten how to leave comments...I'll stop typing now)

Sara McClung said...

:D Welcome to YA Confidential, Matt!

SA Larsenッ said...

Hi Christine! Nice job.

Congrats, Matt! So much growth over here!!

Artemis Grey said...

Hi Christine!

Overall I like this query a lot. It's concise and conveys the story very well.

My only two quibbles are:

The word repeat of 'allow' here: Marenya allows herself to be captured in her cousin’s place in order to allow an injured Faldur

And that the query doesn't stand out terribly from other fantasy queries I've read. I mean, when I read your pages, I DEVOURED them. There are so many delicate and intricate special things about your story that sets it apart from other fantasy works. I've read a lot of the genre and yours still held me in thrall. So I wish there was a way to somehow convey that in the query. I know that's difficult, so this is more of a nudge to try and make you go at it one more time, than a critique :)

Nicole Zoltack said...

Congrats on joining YA Confidential. Looking forward to your crit tomorrow.

farawayeyes said...

Ya Confidential - COOL!

Getting right back in the saddle - Good for you.

Christine, Hey, thanks for sharing. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Commenting in fragments - A to Z Syndrome.

Tasha Seegmiller said...

I woke up this morning really happy that I didn't have a blog post up - I'm amazed that you just jumped back in the saddle.

I remember this query the first time around - didn't get nearly as lost this time. Can't wait to see your comments tomorrow.

And congrats on joining YA Confidential. You will do an amazing job.

A Quiet Corner said...

CONGRATULATIONS, Matt...good things happen to good people!...:)JP

Joshua said...

How does this work again? ;o)

Michael Offutt, Tebow Cult Initiate said...

This is a pretty good query. I look forward to reading your comments tomorrow, Matt. 100,000 words...how would that be? I just finished the second draft of my sequel and it's 163,000 words. I hate word count. Why do I write such fat novels? But this comment has become about me and it should be about Christine. Hi Christine! *wave

Artemis Grey said...

I realized that I didn't specify that I'm not sure I'll be able to get online tomorrow to comment and I wanted to give feedback anyway because Christine's ms is one I love and wish to see go places so I left a comment here.

Sarah Ahiers said...

no rest for the weary

Elana Johnson said...

I can't believe all you do! You are awesome! Keep up the good work, and I'll try to be back to comment on the query.

Michael G-G said...

Dude, with all the things you do, I am seriously believing you are a Time Lord. Congrats on the Challenge completion, the YA Confidential, and for generally being a Disco Samurai.

Copyboy said...

Congrats on the YA invite. Yeah, I love the A to Z challenge this time around.

KarenG said...

Good luck to Christine on this! And congrats to you Matthew for surviving the Challenge LOL.

Sarah said...

Wow, Matt, you are truly a blogger extraordinaire. Congrats on the invite to YA confidential. And Christine--I hope you get some great feedback!