Thursday, May 31, 2012

Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query II

We've got another revision today. You can find Nabila's original query, here. And you can find my critique of it, here. If you didn't see the first post, please do take a look, because you can find the link to Nabila's blog there.

Now, let's get to the letter:

Dear _____

The youngest of three siblings, Shelly Manhar is hot-tempered, indecisive and always rushing into things. But never in her wildest dreams did she imagine becoming a pirate, until her father and brother are lost to piracy soon after their family home burns down. Along with her elder sister Anna, who is her only guide in life now, she decides to take the only path they can to find their family: join the swashbucklers who rule the high seas gunpowder, blade and cannon. But when Anna dies unexpectedly just after they have taken their first ship, Shelly finds herself all alone in the world.

Determined to carry on with the plan, Shelly sets sail with vengeance in her heart, with the crew that she gathered through the means of her skill with the sword and her absolute stubbornness. During her journeys, she discovers that her brother has now become a navy officer, making them each other’s enemies. The situation is further worsened by the fact that her brother now stands in the way of her revenge, as he is working for Doomham, the same man who is in some way responsible for the disappearance of her father and the destruction of her home. Furthermore, through her adventures Shelly finds out that her father is more than just some ordinary merchant, she herself is directly connected to Doomham, there is a dangerous treasure hidden in the waters of the Caribbean Sea that could spell certain doom if it reaches her enemy, and these three conditions are linked with one another. Now she must take her revenge, protect the lost treasure from falling in the wrong hands, find and unite her family, and ultimately decide which life she’d keep in the long run: her old, lawful one, or the new, illegal yet highly addictive one.

Completed at 90,000 words, THE UNTAMED ONE is my first novel. The manuscript is available on request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Nabila Fairuz

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and have a wonderful Thursday.

Public Service Announcement: After today, I've got only one person waiting in line for a query critique. If you know anyone who is looking for help with their letter, send them my way. All they have to do is email me.

12 comments:

Em-Musing said...

Intriguing story. Can't wait till tomorroe.

Sarah said...

Oh! I'm glad to see this revision--good for you, Nabila. You've obviously done a ton of work on this! I'll come back tomorrow and offer some feedback!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I remember this one!

Nick Wilford said...

I checked out the original posts (I was away at the time) and I'm intrigued by this, so I'll come back tomorrow. Can't resist anything piratey!

DL Hammons said...

I'll be back! (Sorry Arnold)

farawayeyes said...

Giving it another go, good for you Nabilia. I find it interesting to see what the authors do with the critique, and watch these letters evolve.

Tasha Seegmiller said...

I love people who take advice, tweak and fix and try again. Great determination.

Nancy Thompson said...

Oh, it's moving along nicely. See you again tomorrow.

Amber said...

I never comment because I feel like I have no room to give advice on a query, but I must say that the pirate theme def. peaked my interest! Look forward to reading the comments tomorrow.

Joshua said...

I remember this one. Be back tomorrow.

Christina Lee said...

Ooh yeah, the pirate story I liked!! Good for you!

Elana Johnson said...

So you're telling me I can send you all the people who ask me to look at their queries to you? Because if you are, I'm seriously going to do it. I had 2 people ask me today...