tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post3022827329354095125..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Nabila Fairuz Rahman's Current Query CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-50664389991799127822012-05-12T08:08:20.851-04:002012-05-12T08:08:20.851-04:00I don't think she should mention the blog. I f...I don't think she should mention the blog. I found your remarks very educational and helpful at looking at my own work. I'm getting a better idea as to what to include in a query and how to go about doing so, thanks to you!!Traci Kenworthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07336373871521363649noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-30838459103530958132012-05-11T20:42:52.154-04:002012-05-11T20:42:52.154-04:00Great crit as usual, Matt! I agree with your point...Great crit as usual, Matt! I agree with your points. Definitely spice up that last sentence - I want to feel more end-of-the-world tension here.<br /><br />As for the part about whether to mention your blog, I personally wouldn't do it in the body of the query, I'd just include it in your email signature, or letterhead if you're sending the query snail mail.alexiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07122487552931794871noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-29510264399052490582012-05-11T17:30:40.798-04:002012-05-11T17:30:40.798-04:00This is such wonderful advice. I'm going to a...This is such wonderful advice. I'm going to a writer's conference next week and they have a query gong show. Attendees can bring their query letter and it's read in front of a group of 6 agents. The agent gongs when they find a problem. I went last year and it was hilarious. Well, not hilarious for the people who were skewered. <br />It was also very illuminating to hear what the agents had to say.deathwriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12981490242657443114noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-28849240313527833992012-05-11T17:06:33.506-04:002012-05-11T17:06:33.506-04:00Thank you so much everyone for all the wonderful a...Thank you so much everyone for all the wonderful advice! I'll be sure to follow them! And thanks Matt for all the help! <br /><br />One thing I get confused is to what the genre would be. I did write the story aiming at YA, but I don't know under which category of YA it falls. Any ideas?Nabila Fairuzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03066449422653685955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-32798260183963761252012-05-11T16:51:10.547-04:002012-05-11T16:51:10.547-04:00Writing a query takes guts.
Submitting it to Matt...Writing a query takes guts.<br /><br />Submitting it to Matt's place for a critique takes balls.<br /><br />I'm not there yet :-)<br /><br />So I commend you, Nabila, for your bravery in seeking improvement. The notes made by Matt are very spot on and the commentors have added some additional feedback.<br /><br />I wish you the best as you revise and submit your query.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-64928114938246161592012-05-11T13:56:13.637-04:002012-05-11T13:56:13.637-04:00Very vague - needs very tight details but not so m...Very vague - needs very tight details but not so much that it grows too long.<br /><br />In response to Michael's comment - DON'T change to first person unless your book is written that way. Otherwise, the agent/publisher will expect the book to also be in first person.<br /><br />And list what genre of YA, not just 'YA.'L. Diane Wolfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06425864276166334896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-91732195107320105722012-05-11T12:48:16.420-04:002012-05-11T12:48:16.420-04:00Yes, Matthew did well here. And Sarah's commen...Yes, Matthew did well here. And Sarah's comments on plausibility are quite valid & should be addressed. It's widely accepted to list your blog as part of your signature at the very end. As for writing a query in first person, that's a huge no-no, but it could be used as an exercise to get into character. Then just switch back to third. But don't ever send a query written in first.Nancy Thompsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05735642863696266005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-40874595421044389372012-05-11T12:40:02.317-04:002012-05-11T12:40:02.317-04:00I'm not even sure you need to mention the sist...I'm not even sure you need to mention the sister's name since she doesn't really play a part in the overall book except as her motivation. Otherwise, great breakdown, Matt. I'm curious about the genre of this.Carolina M. Valdez Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11589934533051907801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-72831884486866947982012-05-11T12:23:31.972-04:002012-05-11T12:23:31.972-04:00I think Matt hit on everything I would have mentio...I think Matt hit on everything I would have mentioned! Sounds like a great story~ hope Matt's advice gets you requests!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14121018905141253640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-1345112474871029692012-05-11T11:58:12.646-04:002012-05-11T11:58:12.646-04:00Opening line "After a fire burned down her ho...Opening line "After a fire burned down her home and her father and brother were lost to piracy..." Okay, I don't like the passive voice. In my opinion...axe it from the query because it might lead someone to believe you write in passive voice which (to me) is not good. I would go with "Anna and Shelly Manhar lost their father and brother to pirates following a house fire." No more passive voice, intro of characters right up front.<br /><br />You also might want to consider writing this query in first person regarding the protag. It could be kind of gimicky but might work here before you launch into an expose on the book. Example: "I am all alone in the world after a fire burned down my home, and pirates took my brother and father..." That could be kind of awesome.<br /><br />Query writing is so tricky. Best of luck.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-38999196033168121602012-05-11T10:16:36.245-04:002012-05-11T10:16:36.245-04:00Matt* sorry, blaming that on pregnancy hormones.Matt* sorry, blaming that on pregnancy hormones.Eliza Tiltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00765731038856226730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-43485711468437911932012-05-11T10:15:22.915-04:002012-05-11T10:15:22.915-04:00Adam nailed the big stuff. I questioned how two gi...Adam nailed the big stuff. I questioned how two girls became pirates and then one got her own crew. That part didn't feel plausible and made me question the query. If you can add in a sentence on how they pull that off, you'll be fine.<br /><br />The last paragraph got a little clunky wih the following girl and vauge aspects. I likd the brother conflict. I'd like to know how he was lost to piracy in the beginning. <br /><br />If you have a popular blog like Mother.Write.Repeat or Miss Snark, I would mention it. Otherwise, leave it out. If an. Agent is interested they'll google you.Eliza Tiltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00765731038856226730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-35533268807195257992012-05-11T09:37:52.098-04:002012-05-11T09:37:52.098-04:00Hi Nabila, sounds like you have the ingredients fo...Hi Nabila, sounds like you have the ingredients for an awesome book! Matthew did a great job with the critique, I certainly can't add anything else to it. I like his hook but I also liked farawayeyes as well. As far as mentioning the blog, I would leave it out. Talking about your book is your focus here, not your blog. Good luck with everything!!Elise Fallsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14734537117333738468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-18615768938896894942012-05-11T09:01:57.393-04:002012-05-11T09:01:57.393-04:00I agree with what Matt said about restructuring an...I agree with what Matt said about restructuring and clarifying, but if you keep that opening line, you need a comma after "home" to prevent the reader from thinking that the fire burned down her house, her father, and her brother.Bryan Russellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09555071335245492790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-40171399776959303012012-05-11T08:54:30.997-04:002012-05-11T08:54:30.997-04:00@ eyes - A blog with a lot of followers can't ...@ eyes - A blog with a lot of followers can't hurt, but it's not critically important. Basically, a hugely popular blog won't sell a bad book any more than the best query in the world will.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-18145728713608754212012-05-11T08:44:30.590-04:002012-05-11T08:44:30.590-04:00FIRST, this sounds like a story I would LOVE.(I ab...FIRST, this sounds like a story I would LOVE.(I absolutely adored 'Dust' and agree, you should read it.)<br /><br />SECOND, in that Hook. I would like to see PIRATES mentioned right away. Maybe something like; <br />'Seventeen year old Shelly Manhar never thought she would become a PIRATE until...(OR - but when...)'.That's just me, but come on, you're talking about PIRATES.<br /><br />ON THE BLOG THING, I would never in a million years mention MY blog, but that's because it's so crazy or I mean eclectic. I can't see the value to a potential agent, but then that's just me. The other opinions seem to make more sense.<br /><br />**QUESTION** Why would it matter to an agent if you had thousands of followers? Do they really think this makes you more saleable? (OK, I made that word up, but you know what I mean.)farawayeyeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17578277501054242356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-3563802336005228062012-05-11T08:42:08.372-04:002012-05-11T08:42:08.372-04:00I was having a particularly shite Friday up until ...I was having a particularly shite Friday up until I read your post.A Daft Scots Lasshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01922985143036647579noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-51732377856045156342012-05-11T07:45:55.439-04:002012-05-11T07:45:55.439-04:00I think Matthew hit on most of the points. The sto...I think Matthew hit on most of the points. The story does sound intriguing. I would avoid mentioning a new blog. You need a following before you really put it out there. It doesn't take long, work at it and then share. Like everything else in life, it just takes time.<br />Good luck with the book submission!Ciarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15628488753277495111noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-42066219681438635092012-05-11T07:41:59.144-04:002012-05-11T07:41:59.144-04:00Fixing the vagueness will fix most of the problems...Fixing the vagueness will fix most of the problems with the query. As for the blog, unless you have massive followers, I wouldn't mention it either.Alex J. Cavanaughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09770065693345181702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-26920200992388523972012-05-11T07:37:06.580-04:002012-05-11T07:37:06.580-04:00Great feedback, Matt. Nabila, as you rework the qu...Great feedback, Matt. Nabila, as you rework the query, take a close look at every word and phrase. For example, something like "After a fire burned down her home" feels redundant, because what else would burn down her home? So you can either say "After her home burns to the ground" or "After a fire destroys her home" to eliminate the redundancy. Also, you use a singular pronoun in the first part of that initial sentence (her), but then you refer to 2 characters in the main clause, which would require a plural pronoun. These kinds of things would likely pull an agent right out of the story, and you don't want that! Especially because this sounds very exciting and you want that agent to be swept up in all of it.<br /><br />One thing I struggled with, though: I don't know what kind of world this is, but the idea that two teenage girls would have access to a ship and all the resources/personnel it would require to even set sail ... seems quite implausible. If they joined as deckhands and disguised their gender, perhaps, but that's not indicated here. I'm concerned that it stretches the bounds of credulity a bit too much. Therefore, I believe you need some indication of how they become pirates and what that means. In any century, piracy is an incredibly deadly and male-dominated activity, so since this defies that general convention, you'd have to explain (briefly! concisely!) how that is even possible for an orphaned teenage girl. Why on earth would a crew follow her or obey her orders? Who is she that she has the skill and strength to get (I assume) grown men who are essentially criminals to follow her?<br /><br />Regarding the blog, I don't think it should be mentioned unless it has a clear niche or it has a truly impressive number of followers. Otherwise, it probably wouldn't seem relevant to an agent. <br /><br />Best of luck with this! Querying is so difficult and frustrating, but you've got an intriguing story and PIRATES. Keep at it!Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06636585111057799728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-39793066355280001932012-05-11T07:32:55.742-04:002012-05-11T07:32:55.742-04:00Looks like Matthew hit on everything that I was go...Looks like Matthew hit on everything that I was going to say. Plus, his suggestion for the opener was better than mine, and infinitely more insightful and knowledgeable, that I won't even mention my thought about it here. (I was thinking too literary instead of pitch.)<br /><br />As for the blog, I've always heard that it's not a good thing to mention it, and with it being such a relatively new one, it doesn't quite set up the "Hey, look at my blog I have 2,000 followers and 90% of them are active, so that's a built-in seller" kind of thing. My .02 anyway.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-89499854101081982432012-05-11T07:30:58.578-04:002012-05-11T07:30:58.578-04:00My notes from yesterday: Take out ergo, Sea, and t...My notes from yesterday: Take out ergo, Sea, and the lines about being a student and the blog.<br /><br />Other than that, plenty of drama, high stakes, an emotional roller coaster, and I especially like how the family she sought to find aren’t who she thought.<br /><br />Matt's critique really got to the guts of it, and the only place I'd disagree is how I liked the mystery of the little girl who follows her. It was just enough of a hint of some revelation to come.Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.com