Nicole Zoltack's Current Query Critiqued

All right folks, here we are again. Happy Friday!

Today is Nicole's query again, but this time with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Princess Cassandra never wants for anything, unlike her commoner friends Kylie and Vance who have to slave on their family's farm when they aren't off exploring with the reckless ten-year-old.

What this hook does, better than most hooks I read, is set up Cassandra as both a character, and a person in a situation. I want all my readers to learn from Nicole here, because if you focus on the word reckless, you'll realize just how much characterization one little word can provide. One more word is often all you need in a query.

Now, if I was to nit-pick this hook, which I will, even though it's good, because that's the point of a critique, I would say that it lacks the kind of punch that leaves the wind knocked out of you, and leaves you no choice but to read on. I think it's lacking because there's no inciting incident here. We do kind of get that incident early in the next paragraph, but I think the opening hook would contain more power if the introduction of the character(s) was combined with that inciting incident.

When Vance becomes lame during the trio's latest misadventure, I'm not sure what others may think, but I've always thought of lame as referring to an animal, and cripple as referring to a person. But then cripple can also be considered offensive. I think the main problem here, is the passive voice. Can you just get specific and say he falls and breaks his leg (or whatever)? Cassandra figures the royal healers can help him. If only her parents didn't pick now to teach her a lesson about shirking her royal duties to run off with her friends! As Cassandra searches for a way to pay the healers, she stumbles upon a dying which Witch? with a treasure map. The princess I get why you couldn't use a pronoun here, but can't you just say Cassandra? steals a horse (although is it really stealing when she plans on returning it?) and the trio sets off on a treasure hunt. With lame Vance in tow? How?

After a monstrous hailstorm critically injures Vance, I thought he was already lame? Or is this the same incident you were referring to early? You need to clarify. Cassandra sends him home with his sister. Forced to bargain with a cranky centaur and outrun a hungry bear-dog without them, Off topic, but has anyone seen the first episode of the new season of Avatar: the Last Airbender: the Legend of Korra? So awesome. And it has a bear-dog named Naga in it. Sorry. Cassandra continues their quest with the help of her "stolen" horse and a baby griffin she meets along the way. But she isn't the only one on the hunt. An evil sorcerer also seeks the treasure and will stop at nothing to get it. Worse, if she doesn't find the treasure soon, this adventure will be Vance's last. Why? I thought Vance already got sent home with Kylie? Is the treasure somehow able to save him from his critical injury?

Okay, so this second paragraph is mostly just really awesome. The fantasy elements you bring in sound like so much fun, and perfect for a MG novel. You just need to clarify a few confusing points, and it would be nice to see you sum this all up in a way that defines a high stakes choice Cassandra must make.

THE PRINCESS'S TREASURE HUNT is a 31,000-word MG fantasy novel with series potential. Perfect.

I am the author of a fantasy romance trilogy, Kingdom of Arnhem - Woman of Honor (2009), Knight of Glory (2010), and Champion of Valor (2011) published with Desert Breeze Publishing. Fifteen of my short works have appeared in various anthologies, including Mertales by Wyvern Publications, and many collections by Pill Hill Press. I believe the titles should be italicized here. The titles of these three novels, and the title of the anthology. Previously published works are usually italicized in query letters. Otherwise, this is also perfect.

(Personalization tidbit) Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,
Nicole Zoltack
(contact information)

Okay, so to summarize: the hardest query letters to critique are the ones that are already good. Nicole has done this before, so her query was already in great shape. Personally, I think this query would probably work well as is. This story reminds me of the tone of Anna Stanizewski's My Very Un-Fairytale Life in that it sounds really hilarious, and fun for kids. I bet some agents would request on the premise alone.

That being said, there are definitely some things that can be improved. I'd like Vance's injury to be worked into the hook, as an inciting incident that provides some tension right away. Then I would like some clarification on whether there is a second injury, what it is, and whether it is life threatening (because it seems to be). Finally, I want a final sentence that summarizes how high the stakes have risen, and the difficult choice Cassandra must make to overcome the conflict.

That's it.

What do you all think? Am I trippin?

Nicole Zoltack's Current Query

First off, Rest in Peace, Adrienne Rich. Adrienne Cecile Rich (May 16, 1929 – March 27, 2012) was an American poet, essayist and feminist. She has been called "one of the most widely read and influential poets of the second half of the 20th century."

I have not read that much of Miss Rich's work, but I do so enjoy her poem Diving into the Wreck, which I won't reprint here, but you can find if you click that link.

Now, this is my last query before the A to Z challenge begins. If you somehow don't know what that is, you can find out more, here. And if you somehow haven't signed up,you can handle that, here. I strongly encourage you to take part, because the April A to Z blogging challenge is the best way to meet new bloggers and to build your readership.

So, as to today's post, surely you all know Nicole? No? She keeps a wonderful blog at Where Fantasy and Love take Flight. You should go visit her, and click that follow button.

Now here's Nicole's query:

Dear Agent,

Princess Cassandra never wants for anything, unlike her commoner friends Kylie and Vance who have to slave on their family's farm when they aren't off exploring with the reckless ten-year-old.

When Vance becomes lame during the trio's latest misadventure, Cassandra figures the royal healers can help him. If only her parents didn't pick now to teach her a lesson about shirking her royal duties to run off with her friends! As Cassandra searches for a way to pay the healers, she stumbles upon a dying which with a treasure map. The princess steals a horse (although is it really stealing when she plans on returning it?) and the trio sets off on a treasure hunt.

After a monstrous hailstorm critically injures Vance, Cassandra sends him home with his sister. Forced to bargain with a cranky centaur and outrun a hungry bear-dog without them, Cassandra continues their quest with the help of her "stolen" horse and a baby griffin she meets along the way. But she isn't the only one on the hunt. An evil sorcerer also seeks the treasure and will stop at nothing to get it. Worse, if she doesn't find the treasure soon, this adventure will be Vance's last.

THE PRINCESS'S TREASURE HUNT is a 31,000-word MG fantasy novel with series potential.

I am the author of a fantasy romance trilogy, Kingdom of Arnhem - Woman of Honor (2009), Knight of Glory (2010), and Champion of Valor (2011) published with Desert Breeze Publishing. Fifteen of my short works have appeared in various anthologies, including Mertales by Wyvern Publications, and many collections by Pill Hill Press.

(Personalization tidbit) Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards,
Nicole Zoltack
(contact information)

That's it!

Please thank Nicole for her courage, make sure you're signed up for A to Z, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

Toni Sinns' Current Query II Critiqued

Wow. So I apologize, but this post probably won't go up until 9 AM. I've been at work for two hours, and the phone just now stopped ringing. It's not even 8 AM. But it's almost noon in the UK, and that's the problem.

Anyway, enough of me bitching about work. Let's get to work. Er, wait.

Here's Toni's query, with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Anistasia Cloud, an ex-mafia I'm not sure there's really such a thing as ex-mafia. Unless you make it into witness protection, I don't think La Cosa Nostra allows people to just back out. princess, and John Kusagari, a local street racing ring master, become a dynamic duo in the short two months left of their Junior year at Brooksville High. Not only do they have to face the high school drama of being seventeen they also have to face the secretes is this a British English spelling? Because this looks like the verb for secretion. from their past.

I'm not really sure about this entire opening. The one thing you have going for you is a unique premise, but the way everything is delivered here isn't working for me. For one, we've got no sense of character, just her situation. For another, you tell us all about the high school situation, but unless that's mostly backstory, you want to show us. Finally, you introduce another character much too early. I realize you mentioned yesterday that the book is told from alternating POVs, and I know that's hard to convey in a query, but I would focus on hooking us with one character, then lead into the other more gradually, and mention the two POVs in your housekeeping paragraph.

Anistasia is on the run with her older Brother Xander from a mafia her father sold her to when she was only eight. So I like the concept behind this, but I'm not sure how believable the premise is. For one thing, the Italian Mafia rarely deals in human trafficking or sex slavery, so if that's what you mean you might want to reconsider. Also, if she and her brother are on the run from the mob, it's a little hard to believe she can safely attend high school. One option might be to make it the Russian Mafiya, Vory, or Bratva, who are well known for dealing in those kinds of crimes. Growing up in the Italian Mafia provided her with an array of special skills she uses to stay one step ahead of her pursuers. What did she do for this mob? Because it's highly unlikely that she was sold to them, and then trained to be a thief or an assassin or something like that, but if that is what happened in the story you're telling, be sure to make it clear in the query, because that would be cool.

However, when she moves to Brooksville and meets up with John she starts thinking about staying around for a while, which ultimately could be her death. Obviously, but still, this is a good raising of the stakes. You might want to consider fitting this into your opening, because at first, I thought she'd always lived there.

John is a local boy that took over the underground street races every other Friday night. I know I always say be specific, but I don't think we need this detail. Using the code name Blaze, as he races, helps keep the law and his mobster father Sebastian out of the know-how. I think you mean uniformed, but it's confusing, because know-how is not the same thing as know-of. Protecting his Mother April mom and younger sister Naomi has been his job ever sense his older brother Hunter died. But when he runs into Anistasia he can’t help but think about her all the time fall for her. Is there enough of him to help Can he protect one more? I would skip asking questions in a query if you can. Just say something like, John will have to decide whether he has the time/energy/dedication/whatever to protect one more person.

I GOT YOU COVERED is the first book of the Blazing Charm series. It is completed with 53,768 complete at 55,000 words. I have available the outline for the complete Blazing Charm series. You can mention series potential in a query, but make sure the first novel can stand on its own. With your recent move into Juvenile writers I believe my YA, action, romance will be a good fit for you. This must be specific for one agent, because not all of them have recently moved into this market. I would also refer to it as Children's Fiction, or Young Adult Fiction, rather than "Juvenile writers." I would also refer to your genre as something like "a Contemporary YA Romance, steeped with action and suspense." Maybe not those exact words, but just be clear that Romance and Contemporary are accepted sub-genres, while action really is not.

I currently have one self-published poetry book on Amazon in paperback and kindle version. Unless it's sold thousands of copies, don't mention previous self-published works.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Toni Sinns

Okay, to summarize, the organization and execution of this query needs some work. You do have the hardest part down: a cool and unique premise, that clearly shows a story that will be full of tension. It's possible some agents would request pages based on that alone.

But you want this query to make sense, and to force an agent to have no choice but to request pages. I think if you re-structure, you can make that happen.

Open with Anastasia, give us a pinch of her backstory right away, show us what kind of character she is, and then lay out the inciting incident that she has just arrived in Brooksville, New Jersey (my assumption) while on the run from the Mob, who she used to do X for. Then you can get into high school, and describe the fact that the main conflict is: do I stay and love John, and risk capture and death, or do I run, and live? This makes for excellent high stakes that require a difficult decision, which is exactly how you want to end a query.

That's it.

What do you all think?

Toni Sinns' Current Query II

I've had Toni on before. If you don't recall, here is her other query, and here it is, critiqued. It was a picture book, so of course this one will be somewhat different.

Here's the letter:

Dear Agent,

Anistasia Cloud, an ex-mafia princess, and John Kusagari, a local street racing ring master, become a dynamic duo in the short two months left of their Junior year at Brooksville High. Not only do they have to face the high school drama of being seventeen they also have to face the secretes from their past.

Anistasia is on the run with her older Brother Xander from a mafia her father sold her to when she was only eight. Growing up in the Italian Mafia provided her with an array of special skills she uses to stay one step ahead of her pursuers.

However, when she moves to Brooksville and meets up with John she starts thinking about staying around for a while, which ultimately could be her death.

John is a local boy that took over the underground street races every other Friday night. Using the code name Blaze, as he races, helps keep the law and his mobster father Sebastian out of the know-how. Protecting his Mother April and younger Sister Naomi has been his job ever sense his older brother Hunter died. But when he runs into Anistasia he can’t help but think about her all the time. Is there enough of him to help protect one more?

I GOT YOU COVERED is the first book of the Blazing Charm series. It is completed with 53,768 words. I have available the outline for the complete Blazing Charm series. With your recent move into Juvenile writers I believe my YA, action, romance will be a good fit for you.

I currently have one self-published poetry book on Amazon in paperback and kindle version.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Toni Sinns

That's it!

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. I won't be doing much reading of blogs today, because I need to get some writing done, and it just hasn't been happening at home lately, so if you post something important that you want me to see, please say so in your comment.

Passenger Cover Reveal

I'm going to be extremely busy today, directing you to three different posts (including this one), but with the A to Z challenge coming up, I've got to fit everything in I can, before April.

So, very quickly, this is the cover for the upcoming and highly anticipated Passenger, the sequel to The Marbury Lens, by Andrew Smith which will be released Fall 2012. In case you live under a rock, or don't know me very well, here is a bit about the book:

Jack and Conner have a plan.

They think it's the only reasonable way to deal with the Marbury lens.

But the four boys - Jack, Conner, Ben, and Griffin - end up scattered in different places at different times. Jack is lost in a Marbury that isn't Marbury, a Glenbrook that isn't Glenbrook, pursued through every crumbling not-world by an uncaring cop trying to solve the mystery of Freddie Horvath's murder, and a deceitful kid named Quinn Cahill who believes he is the King of Marbury. Jack's universe is collapsing in on itself. He finds his friends. He finds his home.

There's always just one thing, and Jack knows it.

This can't be it.

Be excited, because if you do know me, you know that I think The Marbury Lens is one of the best books I've ever read. Passenger looks to be everything it was and more.

Now, I really am sorry to bother you with all these other posts, but like I said, I have to cram a lot of things in before the A to Z challenge begins next month. So, first, please visit Project Mayhem, and read the post I wrote arguing that The Hobbit is Middle Grade.

Then, please visit Afterglow Book reviews, and read my un-review of Please Ignore Vera Dietz, by A.S. King. Then you may go on about your day.

Thank you!

Christine Hardy's Current Query Critiqued

All right. First things first, my bracket is officially busted. I had Michigan State taking it all, and they really laid an egg against Louisville last night. I had been riding first place (and then third) in Nathan Bransford's Bracket Challenge the whole time, until last night. Oh well. It was a fun ride.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, ignore the previous paragraph. If you know exactly what I'm talking about, make fun of me in the comments.

Anyway, today we have Christine's query letter again, this time with my feedback, in red.

The query:

Dear [Agent],

Sometimes the aftermath of peace is war. What does this mean? I mean I know what it means, but why is it here, opening your query? You don't really want to do this. This sentence is not only vague, meaning it has no real bearing on your story, but it's also obvious, logically. What I mean by that is in wartime and peacetime, there are only two options: either you are at war, or you are at peace. So: obviously the aftermath of peace is war ... eventually. It's kind of like saying sometimes the aftermath of night is day.

Ten years after a civil war nearly destroyed the kingdom of Belhanor, rebellion is lifting its bloody head again. This is a much better place to start. This is specific, this is grounding, and this has a touch of world building. A Restorationist movement seeks to restore the pre-war order of lands that were apportioned away from the rebel lords as punishment, resulting in nighttime raids on disputed lands and the threat of open war. I'm a bit ambivalent about this. On the one hand, it's some great writing, and I get the sense that the voice here really matches the way your manuscript is written. On the other, this is a confusing way to open. It's sort of cart before the horse. You're setting up some decent sense of conflict, and giving us a glimpse of an interesting world, but we need to know who is going to need to overcome this conflict first.

Captain Faldur Relszen of the King’s Rangers wants to stay well out of the affairs of the magically-gifted nobles, but when the shadowy leader of the Restorationists enters his territory, he is forced to investigate. Faldur is heartbroken to learn it is none other than his friend, Prince Raynor, the king’s younger son. Raynor is planning to kidnap his older brother Melbrinor’s bride-to-be and use her as bait to lure the crown prince to his death. Faldur promises Melbrinor that he will bring her safely to the capital. In this paragraph, things continue in a similar way. You've got great writing, voice that fits the tone of the story you're telling, but otherwise, things get confusing fast. First of all, if you count Marenya in the next paragraph, you've got four named characters in this query. That's at least two, and possibly three too many. I get the feeling that your manuscript is told by multiple POV characters, and that's fine, it's certainly been proven to work well in fantasy, but other than mentioning that in your housekeeping comments, you can't let that muddy up the extremely critical need for clarity in a query letter. Who is this story really about? I get the feeling it's Faldur and Marenya. If so, name only those two, and refer to these other characters only by their positions, roles, or titles.

Another problem is the names of your characters. They're very cool names, and I bet they fit in well with the cultures that exist in the world of your novel, but if you must name more than two characters in a query, having their names be long and confusing fantasy names doesn't help.

Along the way they are attacked by Restorationists. The bride’s cousin Marenya, whom Faldur secretly loves, allows herself to be captured in the bride’s place so the injured captain and the future queen can escape. Faldur is forced to leave her behind for the moment in order to fulfill his duty. Meanwhile, Marenya discovers that Raynor the prince is under magical thrall to his great-uncle (the instigator of the previous rebellion) but desperately seeking a way to break his control. Faldur and Melbrinor the elder prince pursue the errant prince into the heart of the great-uncle’s mountain stronghold, while Marenya searches for a way to free Raynor and stop another war. The problem here is that trying to keep all these characters straight makes it almost impossible to tell whether there is a clear sense of conflict. Now that I've changed some of them, it seems to me that you do a pretty decent job of setting up a decent conflict, and some very high stakes. The one thing that's missing from your conclusion is a difficult choice your characters will have to make in order to succeed.

THE GOLDEN GRYPHON is a heroic fantasy complete in 100,000 words. I've never heard of heroic as a specific sub-genre of Fantasy. Usually the categories go like this: High/Epic, Low, Urban, Sword & Sorcery, and so on. I'm not an expert in this, so I'm going to ask some friends who know better to confirm.

I am a statistical analyst who has contributed to numerous statistical reports and medical journal articles, an activity that has trained me to write carefully and concisely. I don't think you need this. It has too much potential for shooting yourself in the foot when the inevitable typo is discovered. I have written devotionals for our local Mothers of Preschoolers newsletter, published how-to articles for an online dollhouse magazine, and I blog about writing at thewritershole.blogspot.com.

I am sending this because to you because [personal details] I would be happy to provide further material for your consideration. You may reach me at hanorja@yahoo.com or REDACTED.

Okay, so let's try to summarize here. I think you have the roots of a good query here. You clearly have the writing chops, and I can tell, after sifting through my confusion, that you've got a vibrant and entertaining world here, but your main problem is too much detail, and too many named characters, so much so that everything else gets buried.

I would re-write this. I would open with Faldur, introduce who he is, what his background is, and show us why we should care about his struggle. Then you can sprinkle in your world building elements (or even fit some into the way you introduce him) as you set up the main conflict. Try to see if you can get your query to work as three main paragraphs:

1) CHARACTER. Introduce us to Faldur, sprinkle in some bits about the world he lives in and his backstory.

2) CONFLICT. It seems to me the kidnapping is the inciting incident, and then the pursuit and the recon into enemy territory is the main plot conflict. See if you can clarify all that in your second paragraph.

3) CHOICE. In your final paragraph, make it clear what difficult choice your protagonist will have to make in order to overcome the obstacle from paragraph two. You can also use this paragraph to raise the stakes, and then summarize everything.

Sincerely,

Christine Hardy

That's it.

This one was tough. It's clearly a good story underneath, but there is a lot of information to process. What do you guys think? Can you write an opening hook?

Christine Hardy's Current Query

Do you guys know Christine? She blogs at The Writer's Hole, so go visit her, and follow along. For any new followers, when I critique query letters, I like to make it a two day process. For one thing, it means I have to write less posts, which leaves room for more real writing. But the real reason is that I like to let you see the query, on it's own, with out all my redline, so that you can form your own opinion.

What that means is, please save your feedback for tomorrow.

The query:

Dear [Agent],

Sometimes the aftermath of peace is war.

Ten years after a civil war nearly destroyed the kingdom of Belhanor, rebellion is lifting its bloody head again. A Restorationist movement seeks to restore the pre-war order of lands that were apportioned away from the rebel lords as punishment, resulting in nighttime raids on disputed lands and the threat of open war.

Captain Faldur Relszen of the King’s Rangers wants to stay well out of the affairs of the magically-gifted nobles, but when the shadowy leader of the Restorationists enters his territory, he is forced to investigate. Faldur is heartbroken to learn it is none other than his friend, Prince Raynor, the king’s younger son. Raynor is planning to kidnap his older brother Melbrinor’s bride-to-be and use her as bait to lure the crown prince to his death. Faldur promises Melbrinor that he will bring her safely to the capital.

Along the way they are attacked by Restorationists. The bride’s cousin Marenya, whom Faldur secretly loves, allows herself to be captured in the bride’s place so the injured captain and the future queen can escape. Faldur is forced to leave her behind for the moment in order to fulfill his duty. Meanwhile, Marenya discovers that Raynor is under magical thrall to his great-uncle (the instigator of the previous rebellion) but desperately seeking a way to break his control. Faldur and Melbrinor pursue the errant prince into the heart of the great-uncle’s mountain stronghold, while Marenya searches for a way to free Raynor and stop another war.

THE GOLDEN GRYPHON is a heroic fantasy complete in 100,000 words.

I am a statistical analyst who has contributed to numerous statistical reports and medical journal articles, an activity that has trained me to write carefully and concisely. I have written devotionals for our local Mothers of Preschoolers newsletter, published how-to articles for an online dollhouse magazine, and I blog about writing at thewritershole.blogspot.com.

I am sending this because to you because [personal details] I would be happy to provide further material for your consideration. You may reach me at hanorja@yahoo.com or REDACTED.

Sincerely,

Christine Hardy

That's it.

Please thanks Christine for her courage in the comments, and then we'll all save our feedback for tomorrow.

Brooklyn, Burning, by Steve Brezenoff

This is actually only one of two books I really want to talk about. I also want to talk about Please Ignore Vera Dietz, by A.S. King, but I just un-reviewed The Dust of 100 Dogs, by the same author, so I'll try to get to Vera on Monday.

As you know, when I write a post specifically recommending a book, I usually do it at Afterglow Book Reviews. Like I did for 100 Dogs. But Brooklyn, Burning, is different. It's a book unlike any other I've ever read, and it has something important to say. Something that's close to my heart.

Brooklyn, Burning (Carolrhoda Lab), at its heart, is a love letter. It's a love letter from the protagonist, Kid, to Scout. But it's also a love letter to Brooklyn, and a love letter from humanity to music. Centrally, though, it's a love letter from Kid to Scout. Kid is a street kid, a teenager that has runaway from home, we think at first, but later discover Kid's father kicked his child out of the house. Kid spends two summers in the book, working (and sometimes drinking) at a local bar, but mostly playing drums in the basement, with two different guitar players so attractive in their stark humanity, one can't help but fall in love with them.

I'm not here to talk about the plot. This isn't really a book about what happens. This is a book about people. About characters. About who something happens to. In some ways, I'm kind of a moron, because I didn't realize it was laid out plainly in the blurb (I read on Kindle, purchased with my own money), but I soon discovered that Brezenoff was doing something incredibly unique with his characters. Felix, the boy Kid falls in love with the first summer, is clearly described as a boy, but due to the unique style of first person narration, neither Kid, nor Scout, the guitarist Kid falls in love with during the second summer, are ever explicitly described as one gender or the other. It's really a brilliant thing, even if easily missed at first.

That being said, this isn't a LGBTQ issues book. The fact that gender identity is something Kid's friends and chosen family of the streets agree is something each individual has the right to decide for themselves is not the forefront of this tale. But it is what struck me the most about this novel. I thought it was a beautiful homage to the power of character, because it illustrates the point that people are people, and characters are characters, and they don't have to be defined by whether or not they have a penis, and whether or not they are attracted to people with penises. There is so much more to a person than that.

There is music, and there is defiance, and there is loneliness, and there is hope. None of these things is exclusively masculine or feminine, and it really makes for an immersive story experience to read a tale through a lens that is not adulterated by any of the expectations society places upon one gender or another.

I highly recommend you read this book, not only because it's a lovely story, but because it will open your eyes to the idea that there is not only one way to tell a tale.

Here are some places you can find out more about Brooklyn, Burning, Steve Brezenoff, and Carolrhoda Labs:

Steve Brezenoff on Twitter.
Steve's Blog.
Steve's Website.
The Carolrhoda Lab Website.
The Carolrhoda Books Blog.

Nothing

I'm not going to post today, because I want to write about a book I read recently, that I loved, but a Tuesday won't give it the attention it deserves, so I'm saving it until tomorrow.

Instead, you can have this:

Elemental, by Emily White: Trailer Reveal

Do you all know Emily? She's been a friend and blogger buddy of mine for years now. It was so long ago I helped her with her query, and interviewed her, I can barely remember. She also has the distinction of having had her cover designed by another one of my best friends and blogger buds, Vic Caswell.

Anyway, Emily's debut Sci-Fi novel, Elemental, comes out May 1st, from Spencer Hill Press, but the trailer was released this morning, just after midnight, and is now here, for your viewing pleasure:

A Fun Experiment for Friday - Updated

Click to Enlarge

I thought we would do something fun today. This is one shelf on my bookshelf in my bedroom at home. I have another much larger bookshelf, that is in my daughter's room, where the majority of our books our stored, but this shelf is mine alone, and contains some of my coolest books.

I've blurred the author and the title on some of these books that you guys might recognize. I want to see how many of you can guess at least one of these books, from the look of the spine alone. If you know me, you can probably guess half of them.

I'll put the original photo up this afternoon.

In somewhat sadder (but also hopeful) news, several of my blogging friends are posting about bullying today. Please read their posts:

Candyland
Talli Roland
LM Preston
Donna Martin
Sheri Larsen
Jonathan Arntson
Nicole Zoltack
Jessica Bell
Dawn Ius
PH Hrezo

This kind of thing must be stopped.

UPDATE: Okay, I'm posting the original photo now, because I'm leaving work early today. Enjoy!

Click to Enlarge

A Fun Experiment for Friday

Click to Enlarge

I thought we would do something fun today. This is one shelf on my bookshelf in my bedroom at home. I have another much larger bookshelf, that is in my daughter's room, where the majority of our books our stored, but this shelf is mine alone, and contains some of my coolest books.

I've blurred the author and the title on some of these books that you guys might recognize. I want to see how many of you can guess at least one of these books, from the look of the spine alone. If you know me, you can probably guess half of them.

I'll put the original photo up this afternoon.

In somewhat sadder (but also hopeful) news, several of my blogging friends are posting about bullying today. Please read their posts:

Candyland
Talli Roland
LM Preston
Donna Martin
Sheri Larsen
Jonathan Arntson
Nicole Zoltack
Jessica Bell
Dawn Ius
PH Hrezo

This kind of thing must be stopped.

The Dust of 100 Dogs, by A.S. King

I'm posting over at Afterglow today, so you should just go there, and read this. Now, just so that this post doesn't look too tiny, here is the trailer that I didn't share at the other post:

Samantha Jean's Current Query Critiqued

All right. So here we have Samantha's query letter again, this time with my feedback, which is in red.

Dear [AGENT],

I chose to submit my story manuscript for your consideration because of your expertise in the young adult genre, and because [personalized tidbit about agent/books or authors successfully represented by agent].

Almost-fifteen-year-old Lilith Butler’s life is a suburban girl’s heaven: perfect grades, loving parents, sister-like girlfriends, and her long-time crush is finally paying attention to her. This is pretty good. You quite skillfully fit in backstory and set up Lilith's world (not quite world building, because it's Urban Fantasy, but still good). The only problem is, I would like to know more about who Lilith is before her story begins. We get some sense of character from these external things that surround her, but it would be better to know what kind of person she is, independent of what goes on around her. That is, until the arrival of an uninvited guest two days before her birthday unearths buried family secrets which turn her existence into anything but heavenly. Normally this would be way too vague for a query letter. You need to always be as specific as possible. You might be able to get away with some of it here, though, because you explain the details in a moment.

Accepting she was adopted at birth and lied to ever since is difficult, but believing she’s related to mythological creatures and destined to become one of them? Yeah, right. This clears up half of the vagueness in the previous sentence, but it would be better if you could clarify who this uninvited guest is, and how he or she knows, and reveals, this information.

But one’s true nature cannot be denied. This is slightly cliche. Not too bad, though.

Forced to forget her life as a mortal, Lilith goes to live with her father is he the guest? Did she know him before this? on his farm where she is indoctrinated into the ways of the Vrykólakas, I looked this up, and it's basically a Greek vampire, which sounds pretty cool. an ancient race hidden from modern human society. It’s far from easy adjusting to life as a tame, blood-drinking immortal, tame AND blood-drinking? That sounds like an odd but interesting contradiction. especially with off-limits Devon Green is this the name of a character, or a park in London? providing constant temptation only a field away. However, denying her desire for Devon is as impossible as ignoring the haunting memories of her former life. Her former life as a suburban girl? Or does she have memories of another life, even before that one? Add learning she has a key role to play in the ongoing war for Heaven and has to learn to fight enemies she’s never heard of including demons whose bite means eternal death. Dividing these sentences here makes them fragments. It's okay to break grammar rules on purpose in a query for effect, but I don't think it works here. And top it off with the risk of capture by Lucifer, the Lord of Chaos, if she ever leaves the protected confines of her family’s farm, and eternity is looking bleak.

You've got some fascinating elements here, and the stakes clearly seem to be raised to the utmost, with not just death, but eternal death awaiting Lilith. However, the main conflict of your plot gets confused near the end here. You mention the war for Heaven, and Lilith's role in it, but then it seems from your final sentence in this paragraph, that Lilith is choosing not to enter this war, and rather remain safe at her family farm. When I think about it, it seems likely that she has some kind of internal struggle over this for a while, and eventually decides to leave this haven and join the fight. If that's the case, you need to make it clearer. If it's not, and something else takes place, well, then you need to make that clear.

Lilith’s unwillingness to embrace her destiny without first finding closure for the past leads her to follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul. I suppose this bit does clarify her decision to leave, but it gets muddied up a bit by the vague mention of her past again. The only past we know of from this query is the one of a normal suburban girl. If there is something more substantial than that, like previous lives as an immortal or something, you need to be specific.

TÉLOS is a 115,000 word work of clean, you don't need this. YA is generally not clean, because teenagers tend to swear, and have sex, or at the very least, want sex, badly. Adult thoughts and urges tend to be particularly present in the Urban Fantasy sub-genre. If you've written a story that does not contain those elements, that's fine, but you don't need to point it out in a query. Besides, your editor very well may tell you to tone up or down the level of clean or not clean, in the long run. YA Urban Fantasy, and this is my first novel. There's no need to mention this. By not having any publications in your bio, and agent can infer you've never been published. Mentioning this being your first novel is just a strike against you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

In summary: you start out pretty strong, setting up an interesting dynamic of normalcy into sudden surprising paranormal elements. You weave backstory seamlessly into your hook, which is well done, and with only one or two more words about Lilith's character, I think you'd have a great opening.

The problem is when things begin to get vague. A mysterious stranger. A trip to her father's farm, when it's unknown whether she is familiar with this place, or her father. Mention of some former life, which I suspect is not the life of a suburban teenager. A war for Heaven, deadly demons, Lucifer ... none of which become clear exactly how they relate to the conflict Lilith must overcome.

I like the mention of a difficult choice she must make whether or not to leave the farm, but I can't tell exactly how long she stays before deciding to enter this war. I get the feeling she may not leave until the last third of the book. That's fine, but try to make it clearer in your query.

That's it.

What do you all think?

NOTE: It's my turn as an A to Z challenge co-host, to post an introduction over at the A to Z challenge blog. So if you'd like to get to know me better, please go read that post.

Samantha Jean's Current Query

Before we get started, I just want to mention HBO's production of the feature film: Game Change. We watched it with the kids last night, and in spite of a bit of swearing, it's a great story. Regardless of whether you agree with the politics or not, the tale of John McCain's 2008 presidential campaign and his pick of Sarah Palin as a running mate is a fascinating story. I know we're all looking forward to Woody Harrelson as Haymitch, but he threw down another solid performance in this one. The real standout, though, is Julianne Moore, who proves once again that she is one of the greatest character actors of the era.

If you have HBO, I recommend giving it a shot.

Now, let's get down to business. Today is for Samantha Jean's query letter, but first, you must visit her blog and become a follower, here. Back? Excellent.

Her query:

Dear [AGENT],

I chose to submit my story for your consideration because of your expertise in the young adult genre, and because [personalized tidbit about agent/books or authors successfully represented by agent].

Almost-fifteen-year-old Lilith Butler’s life is a suburban girl’s heaven: perfect grades, loving parents, sister-like girlfriends, and her long-time crush is finally paying attention to her. That is, until the arrival of an uninvited guest two days before her birthday unearths buried family secrets which turn her existence into anything but heavenly.

Accepting she was adopted at birth and lied to ever since is difficult, but believing she’s related to mythological creatures and destined to become one of them? Yeah, right.

But one’s true nature cannot be denied.

Forced to forget her life as a mortal, Lilith goes to live with her father on his farm where she is indoctrinated into the ways of the Vrykólakas, an ancient race hidden from modern human society. It’s far from easy adjusting to life as a tame, blood-drinking immortal, especially with off-limits Devon Green providing constant temptation only a field away. However, denying her desire for Devon is as impossible as ignoring the haunting memories of her former life. Add learning she has a key role to play in the ongoing war for Heaven and has to learn to fight enemies she’s never heard of including demons whose bite means eternal death. And top it off with the risk of capture by Lucifer, the Lord of Chaos, if she ever leaves the protected confines of her family’s farm, and eternity is looking bleak.

Lilith’s unwillingness to embrace her destiny without first finding closure for the past leads her to follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul.

TÉLOS is a 115,000 word work of clean, YA Urban Fantasy, and this is my first novel.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. Thanks!

Announcement: Brent Taylor's Editing Services

Do you all know Brent Taylor? Or perhaps you recognize him better as the sole proprietor of Naughty Book Kitties? Either way, Brent is opening his keen eye to the public, at prices that you're probably going to be pleasantly surprised by.

Before I get to the details, let me just say a few things about my own personal experience with Brent. I knew him first as one of the best book reviewers on the web, but since then, I have worked with him on my own manuscript, and I can tell you his knowledge is impressive.

Brent has been an intern in publishing for over a year now, and he also writes freelance for VOYA, SLJ, and Lambda Literary. What this means is that Brent has a keen eye for pacing, character arc, plot development, and especially YA voice, and he knows what's selling. But he doesn't deal exclusively with YA novels, and his editing skills can be applied to almost any genre. Here's how he describes his skills at his blog:

My areas of expertise are YA and middle grade in children's; in adult, paranormal romance, urban fantasy, cozy mysteries, and upmarket commercial and women's fic.

The thing that has impressed me most about working with Brent is how fast his turn-around time is, without sacrificing how in depth he goes.

Here are some testimonials from authors who have worked with him:

"I can always count on Brent for a sharp-eyed critique and a quick turn-around. He possesses a winning combination of honesty and kindness, and I know his insightful commentary and agency experience will improve my manuscript. If I was in the process of finding representation, you can bet he would be the first person I would count on to help prepare a killer query and polish up my manuscript."

- Delilah S. Dawson, author with Pocket/S&S and Associate Editor at http://www.coolmompicks.com/

"Brent’s editorial input was absolutely essential in making my manuscript what it is today. He has a remarkable eye for characterization and voice, pinpointing the inconsistencies that were holding my characters back and suggesting changes that fit seamlessly into my voice and vision for the story. Most importantly, Brent didn’t just point out the things that didn’t work in my novel, but the things that really worked as well, helping me use those strengths to my advantage. My novel, and my writing itself, has improved because of his guidance."

- Laura Wettersten, represented by Ken Wright at Writers House

Brent has great prices, but rather than share the details, and give out his email address, here, I'll just direct you to the page on his blog that has the details, since you should be following his blog anyway.

EDIT: Brent shared a tidbit with me that might also interest you: he'll do queries alone, for the bargain basement price of $10.00, and that includes how ever many passes it take before it really shines.

You can also follow Brent on Twitter at: @NaughtyBrent

Any questions?

Metaphorically Speaking

It's been a rough week here in QQQE land. So I'm hooking your Friday up with teh funneh.

These are not originals written by me. These are some examples from a supposed collection of the world's worst metaphors, which, according to the internet, were collected by high school English teachers.

Enjoy.

• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
• He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
• Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
• Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
• Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
• He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
• I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
• She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

You're welcome.

The Lifespan of a Fact

There was a fascinating story on NPR this morning, about embellishing the truth in writing. Most of us here, in the writing and publishing blogsphere, write fiction, so truth is of little consequence, unless it comes to properly researching the correct airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. But in non-fiction, narrative or otherwise, facts and truth, become a bit more paramount.

I'm sure you all remember James Frey, and his "memoir," A Million Little Pieces. If you don't, he's the author who was publicly called out on Oprah Winfrey's show, for falsifying many of the key details of his autobiography.

Anyway, this post isn't about all that. It's about the two gentlemen in the photo, and the new book that they're involved in. The Lifespan of a Fact is a new book getting talked about for defending an author's right to embellish facts, even in non-fiction. The two men in this photo are Jim Fingal (left), a fact-checker turned software engineer, and John D'Agata, who teaches nonfiction writing at the University of Iowa, and is the author of About a Mountain.

The Lifespan of a Fact focuses on an essay D'Agata wrote about a boy who committed suicide 16 years ago in Las Vegas, by jumping off the Stratosphere Tower. In the essay, D'Agata wrangles several dates, and twists the facts for dramatic effect, into an essay that while it may not shatter the truth, certainly bends it.

This new book contains the essay, and some correspondence between the two men, who had to work together for the essay to be published in The Believer, after it was rejected by Harpers. You can read the article at NPR, here, but the audio from the piece on Morning Edition will not be available until 9 AM.

What do you guys think? Have any of you ever written non-fiction? Even if you haven't, do you think a writer has the right to embellish certain things, for dramatic effect? What if, writing about your own past, you simply can't remember every detail?

Abby Minard's Current Query Critiqued

Man. I hate my job. I've been so slammed this morning, I'm only just starting this post now, at 7 AM. Anyway, here is Abby's query again, this time with my feedback, in red.

The letter:

Dear ______,

Holding her dying father in her arms is just just is one of those words a lot of publishing professionals hate. If you keep this opening, you could replace it with only. the beginning for sixteen(-)year(-)old Nuala, a novice Ice Mage. I think Ice-Mage should be hyphenated. It's kind of a single noun construct. Jarlath, a power hungry Earth Mage, murdered him. Worse, he has found a way to acquire the energy of all four Elements: Earth, Ice, Fire and Wind -- a feat that takes a terrible act of sacrifice and murder.

Okay, so when it comes to content - I love this opening. I love fantasy, and I love elemental magic, especially your spin on it, since you've replaced the standard Water with Ice. However, I'm not sure about the execution. I think character needs to come before the inciting incident. I mean, opening with her father dying in her arms in certainly powerful in its own way, but we don't know who she is yet, and it's important to know and care about that first.

I would open something like this: "Sixteen-year-old Nuala is an uncertain novice Ice-Mage. Holding her dying father in her arms is only the beginning of her suffering (or stuggles, problems, whatever). When she discovers Jarlath, a power obsessed Earth Mage murdered him ..." That's not perfect either, but I'm sure you get the point.

I also like that you made an Earth elemental wielder the bad guy, since it's almost always the Fire guys who get the bad rap.

Nuala learns her mother’s suicide fifteen years ago enabled Jarlath’s rise in power. I like how this raises the stakes, but we need a better understanding of why. Was her mother in some kind of position of power? He now needs Nuala’s essence to complete what her mother did not finish. Be specific. What didn't she finish? If he succeeds, it could mean the destruction of the delicate balance that holds the Elements and people of Tartha together. Nuala is given the only clue to defeating Jarlath, spoken by Mother Earth herself: “Not one with four, but four as one”. I like this. Mysterious, but also a good plot ticket.

This paragraph is mostly pretty good, you're raising the stakes and heightening the conflict, and only need to clarify a couple minor things.

The timid I like this characterization, you should actually put this word right up front, where I wrote "uncertain" in my example. Ice Mage must now embark on a perilous journey in search of the key to solving the riddle while coming to terms with her father’s death and rumors of her mother’s betrayal. Now it's a betrayal? You really need to be specific about exactly what happened in the previous paragraph, otherwise, the mother aspect makes very little sense. She meets three other Mages along the way who seem to be sent from the gods: an answer to her prayers. I'm not sure about this. It kind of sounds either like hyperbole, or Deus Ex Machina. I don't think it's the latter, because it sounds like it comes too early, but be careful how you word things. With every strike from Jarlath, the four Mages form an everlasting bond of friendship, taking them closer to the answer on how to defeat him. How? How does their friendship provide the answer? With that comes a choice: risk their Elements and possibly their lives to save Tartha, or save themselves and watch their world fall to the enemy. This is great. Concluding with a distinct, tough choice is one of the hardest parts of a query letter, but you've killed it here.

So, to summarize, based on content, this sounds like one of the coolest stories I've looked at lately, from the query. I could be biased because of my general love of fantasy and elemental magic, but so what?

Now, that being said, there are some things you need to work on. You end it all rather well, and your opening is not half-bad either, but things are pretty muddied up in the middle. If you're going to bring the mother aspect into play, in particular, you need to clarify exactly what happened, why it matters, and how this backstory element pertains to the current conflict. I get the feeling Nuala's mom was someone in power, who conducted some kind of ritual to keep Jarlath or others like him from power, but it failed, killed her, and people thought it was suicide. But I could easily be wrong, especially considering you refer to it all as a betrayal at one point.

That one aspect, and maybe a little better characterization in the beginning, are the two biggest things you need to improve in this query. Otherwise, you're off to a great start, and obviously have a very cool story to tell.

ICESONG is a Young Adult Fantasy complete at 71,000 words and is available on your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Abby Minard

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anyone have a better opening hook than mine?

Abby Minard's Current Query

Before we get to Abby's letter, I just want to say I knew it. I knew there was something going on with the New Orleans Saints that was cheap and underhanded. They robbed my Vikings of our last best hope to win a Superbowl in the 2010 NFC Championship game (after the 2009 season). I could always tell something was rotten in Denmark, and now it's nice (actually - shitty) to know what was going on.

If you don't know what I'm on about, and you care, Google "Bounty Gate." It's gotten so bad, and that game in which the Vikings were robbed is such a perfect example of what was going on, that the NFL has cancelled a replay of that game that was supposed to occur this week.

I know, crying after the fact isn't well respected among sports fans. Sorry. End rant.

Now, do you guys know Abby Minard? Don't let my sports woes ramblings drive you away from meeting this awesome writer and blogger. She blogs at her self titled blog, which you can find, here.

Go follow her, you won't regret it. Back?

Here's her query:

Dear ______,

Holding her dying father in her arms is just the beginning for sixteen year old Nuala, a novice Ice Mage. Jarlath, a power hungry Earth Mage, murdered him. Worse, he has found a way to acquire the energy of all four Elements: Earth, Ice, Fire and Wind -- a feat that takes a terrible act of sacrifice and murder.

Nuala learns her mother’s suicide fifteen years ago enabled Jarlath’s rise in power. He now needs Nuala’s essence to complete what her mother did not finish. If he succeeds, it could mean the destruction of the delicate balance that holds the Elements and people of Tartha together. Nuala is given the only clue to defeating Jarlath, spoken by Mother Earth herself: “Not one with four, but four as one”.

The timid Ice Mage must now embark on a perilous journey in search of the key to solving the riddle while coming to terms with her father’s death and rumors of her mother’s betrayal. She meets three other Mages along the way who seem to be sent from the gods: an answer to her prayers. With every strike from Jarlath, the four Mages form an everlasting bond of friendship, taking them closer to the answer on how to defeat him. With that comes a choice: risk their Elements and possibly their lives to save Tartha, or save themselves and watch their world fall to the enemy.

ICESONG is a Young Adult Fantasy complete at 71,000 words and is available on your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Abby Minard

That's it!

Please feel free to say something to console me about my poor Vikings, or to make fun of me for being such a baby, but definitely be sure to thank Abby for having the courage to share her query letter so that we all can learn together. Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, too.

Thanks!

Teenage Heartthrob Blogfest

First things first, today I finally begin querying WARRIOR-MONKS. Yes, the manuscript that has been four years in the making is actually (hopefully) ready for submission. I'm only sending out 3 letters. I had hoped to send 5, but 2 of the agents I had planned on submitting to are currently closed to queries. No worries, I'd rather wait and make sure everything is working, rather than just shotgun as many agents as possible, as I have done in the past.

Anyway, today is, as you can see from the loveliness above, The Teenage Hearthrob Blogfest, hosted by Sarah Ahiers (Falen), Vic Caswell, and Emily White. Josh, Alex, and I are the only dudes taking part, so please applaud us for our courage.

(One of) my main crushes when I was younger (who am I kidding, I still love her), was Gwen Stefani of No Doubt fame. The 2 Tone, ska, and punk-rocker is one of the most beautiful women to ever record an album, and her taste in music isn't half bad, either. Rather than go into a long history of why she rocks (a couple of quick examples: working with Sly and Robbie, and Bounty Killer), I'll just give your eyes some gifts:

And here are two of my favorite songs of hers:



Wait for Bounty Killer. He kills his verse. Get it?



Listening to this one makes my throat tight every time.

That's it. You're welcome for all the hotness. No go check the other posts.

Book Cover Lover

I'm over at Project Mayhem today, polling my daughter about book covers, and why she likes them. Please drop by, and share your thoughts.

Anita Exley's Current Query Critiqued

Here we are again. It feels a bit strange doing this on a Thursday, but this week got all screwed up when I called out of work on Monday. Anyway, enough about me. Let's get back to Anita's query. My feedback will be in red.

The letter:

Dear [agent],

[Enter research done on the agent and reference as to why I chose them to query]

If you've read a lot of my query critiques you know I suggest putting personalization at the end. But there are agents who like it up front, and it's only a matter of opinion, so I may stop mentioning it.

In Georgian England, seventeen-year-old Allie Donovan carries an Egyptian blade in her boot, a chip on her shoulder and the shadow of the noose over her life.

In many ways, this is one of the best opening hooks I've ever read. You've got a touch of world building, a dash of character, and a whole heaping barrage of voice. I would only make a couple suggestions. One, Georgian England makes it sound historical, rather than alternate history. You could maybe say not-quite-Georgian England, or something like that. Anyone who could write that sentence can come up with something better than mine. Two, I LOVE the line about the shadow of the noose hanging over her life, but reading through the rest of the query, I can't figure out what it means. Perhaps I'm missing something, but it seems key to me to know why and how this shadow hangs over her. Were her parents hung as criminals? Does she somehow face the threat of the gallows? It's such a great line, don't steal it's thunder by not giving us enough info for it to make sense.

Common born Allie roams the slate hallways of exclusive St Matthew(')s when I first read this, I thought this was a neighborhood for some reason. Clearly, with halls and not streets, it's not, but you could add school, or academy after Matthew's. armed with her dagger and sharp wit, trying to find her place in an inhospitable environment. She sparks conflict, physical and verbal, with the aristocratic Jared McLaren. The handsome noble is undefeated with a blade, until Allie turns his sense of honour upon him, for a win. I don't think you need this last bit. It's redundant. If he was undefeated, clearly she beats him. However, I'm also a little concerned as to how you win a knife fight without seriously injuring the other person.

When a King(')s Royal Aeronautical Corp airship lands at school, discharging black clad soldiers(,) it raises a spectre from Allie’s past. How? What Spectre? Get specific. Breaking Jared into the underground laboratory of their mutual friend, Zeb, they discover he’s not just constructing mechanical cats and automated limbs. I do like this, but what are they running from and why? It's not hard to infer that the KRAC commandos are after Allie, Jared, or both, but I would really like to know why, assuming that is what's going on here. He is working on a devastating new weapon for the military. If they're running from the military, why would they run to someone working for them? Or is the KRAC not the military? I like all these elements a lot, but I'm left a little confused as to how they fit together.

With Zeb marked as a target by the underworld, KRAC fails to protect him. Maybe I have this all backward. Are the KRAC on their side? If they're protecting Zeb, are they protecting Allie and Jared too? Allie’s illicit skills and contacts make her the only one Jared can trust. This is vague. I get that her skill with a blade and her apparent connection to the underworld can help Jared survive if he's on the run from something, but none of this really makes any sense unless we know who or what they're running from, and more importantly, why. The deeper Allie goes, into what? her feelings for Jared intensify, as she discovers her history is intertwined with their mission. Which is what? We have no idea what their mission is.

In revealing her past, Allie jeopardises I take it this is spelled correctly in British English. her future. Vague. She must decide her course if they are to find the weapon before it plunges Europe into a monstrous war. I thought Zeb already had the weapon? Did he lose it?

REVELATION is a steampunk novel aimed at the young adult market. I'm not sure I would word it this way. I would say something like "REVELATION is a YA Steampunk Adventure with threads of Romance," or you know, something better. I would avoid talking about markets in a query. The novel manuscript is complete at 76,000 words, and is available upon request.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

All right. Let's summarize. I may be biased, because I pretty much love anything even remotely steampunk right off the bat, but this sounds like one of the coolest stories I've seen in a while. The elements of an incredible tale are clearly there, and you've displayed your talent as a writer explicitly, especially with that wonderful opening hook.

What's missing here is a clear and specific sense of plot. We know the basic conflict: there is a weapon, and they must find it, or protect it, or destroy it, to save the world. The problem is that we don't have a clue why Jared and Allie are involved, or exactly how their involvement works, other than they are both friends with Zeb. You don't need a lot more info, just a tidbit here and there to connect one awesome element to another.

Try to address the specific questions I've presented above, and I think your query will be in excellent shape.

That's it.

What do you guys think? Are you as confused as I am about Allie and Jared's role? Did you catch something I missed? What else would you like to see come into play?