Toni Sinns' Current Query Critiqued

Okay, first things first, Happy 200th Birthday to Charles Dickens. If you've never read any Dickens, I highly recommend you read one of his novels this year. You won't regret it.

Now let's get to work. I have Toni's Picture Book query again today, but this time with my thoughts, in red.

Here we go:

First, I want to make it clear, I'm not very experienced with Picture Books, so I want all of you to take everything I say (or write) with a grain of salt. I've never written a PB, and have only ever read or critiqued probably one or two PB queries.

I have been researching them since yesterday, though, so I will point Toni to a few resources right off the bat. First, I have two friends and readers who I know are experienced with PBs, whose blogs you should definitely be following. They are Shelley Moore Thomas, and Ishta Mercurio. I expect both of them to be able to stop by today. Another blogger who I don't really know, but I'm told is experienced with PBs is Verla Kay.

Some other articles I found about PB queries are: this post, at From the Write Angle, this post, at Barbara Kanninen's website (she also offers paid critiques, here), this post, by literary agent and author Mary Kole, at Kidlit.com, and finally, this excellent video, from WriteOnCon 2011, by author Emma Walton Hamilton. I know that's a lot of links, and you certainly don't have to visit them all, but there's some good PB query letter info out there.

NOTE: The previous two paragraphs are full of links, but my blogger template can make them hard to see when they're red. Hover your mouse over the text if you want to check for hyperlinks.

Anyway, what I've learned, is that there are basically two types of PB queries. Most agents who accept PB submissions allow the entire manuscript to be pasted in an e-query after the letter. This is much like the first five pages of a novel, but because PBs are so short, they often accept the whole thing. This does not include artwork, though they often ask for a link to an online portfolio if you also illustrate your own work. In that kind of submission situation the kind of query you write for a novel is not needed. Just a very short summary and an introduction.

We're going to focus on the other kind of submission. The one where the agent doesn't want to see the manuscript unless a traditional query has piqued their interest.

Dear Agent,

I have written an approximant this is a typo, which is fine, because you can remove all of this. 399 word fictional adventure for all children called “Baby Dragon’s Sound” or “Where is my sound?” This entire paragraph can be handled in the subject field of your email. Write it like this: "Query: BABY DRAGON'S SOUND, picture book, 400 words." The title of an unpublished work is always capitalized in a query, and it is absolutely fine to round up by one word, or even ten.

Opening up you meet baby dragon and quickly find that baby dragon makes no noise. Don't open this way. This is telling. I know some people mentioned yesterday that you should name Baby Dragon. I disagree. I mean you can if you want, but I recall many PBs as a child where the character was simply Max, or Ugly Duckling. However, you want to show us the opening. Something like "when he's born, Baby Dragon is concerned to discover that he cannot roar" (or coo, or whatever sound he needs to make). The baby dragon He goes on an adventure to find his sound. As Baby Dragon walks down a small road he comes across fairies, gnomes, and elves. He is unable to make the same sounds as the people he meets on this road. I'm unclear on what this means. All these creatures are usually able to talk in fantasy settings, is Baby Dragon expecting to be able to talk? He finally hears his mother and returns to the nest. He finds his sound with his mother. This is kind of adorable, and I get the sense that it works very well in your story, but I think the concept of "sound" is a little vague for the query. Is there any way you can make it more specific? Is it a roar? Or can he talk, and you mean his voice?

This story is full of children magic. What does this mean? This is the kind of thing you should show, not tell, anyway. The characters are all mythical and live in children’s imagination. Are you saying it's a Frame Story? Like it starts out with someone telling the story within a story to a child? It is fun for children to hear and easy for them to learn to read. There is also the ability to make this book into a sound book with buttons for the different creatures. Other books have followed the search and find story line idea and have sold well. I believe mine can stand on its own by being about the magical creatures of the child’s imagination. Cut the rest of this. It's good to show you've done your research, but you need to find another way to do that. Comparative titles from the agent's list are good, but don't bring this other stuff up, because that's the agent's job.

Thank you for your time. I have placed the text portion following this letter. I cut that only because in this example, the agent doesn't allow the full MS in the e-query. I can’t wait to speak with you about joining your team. You don't need this, but if you want something like this, don't say, "can't wait," say, "look forward to ..."

Thank you,

Toni G. Sinns

That's it.

What do you guys think? Anybody disagree with me about Baby Dragon being okay as a proper name in a PB? Anything else you'd like to see added or changed?