Katie Mills FOSSEGRIM Query Critique

Today I just want to get right into it. You all remember what's up right? Here is Katie's query with my thoughts.

Dear (specified agent)

I've talked about this before but I do think you make the right choice here, getting right to the story. Unless an agent specifically states that they want to see the housekeeping or the personalization first, just get down to business, STAT.

Seventeen year old Sage Reynolds realized long ago that wishing for a different life is a pretty fruitless venture. This starts out pretty well, but then fizzes out. Cool age, awesome name ... both tell us a lot because we already know what main genre this is going to be (YA) and that the character will probably stand out, but I would like to see more in this first sentence. This sentence is more important than almost any other one. What kind of guy is Sage before he gets the tail? Jock? Band Geek? Bad boy? And why is he wishing for a different life? The way it is written now is too vague. But that doesn’t stop him from wishing anyway, one summer’s eve, on the beaches of Misquamicut, Rhode Island. You've got to clear this up for yesterday's readers. I told people that I thought you told me once that you were from Connecticut before you moved to France, but I can't remember for sure if that is even true. It might have been momentary insanity, or the fact that his foster parents were finally sending him away. In any case, Sage thought the threat of military school was the worst of his problems.

I see that you do touch on the reasons for his wishing here in this paragraph, and I should clarify that it doesn't HAVE to be in the first sentence that this is explained, but if you can find a way to convey it very briefly it will make that hook really pop! Also, this is a good start here with these last two concepts, the foster parents, the threat of military school, but the way they are written here makes it feel like they're just being thrown out there for good measure. Let's see if our reader's can help you convey all the ideas from this first paragraph into once succinct pitch/hook that knocks the reader on their ass and shoves the need to read your pages down their throat.

But that was before he woke up on the bottom of the ocean with a freaking fish tail.

This rocks harder than an ancient barnacle. You don't really need the "but" but it works either way. This is excellent voice, and when this query earns requests it is probably going to be because of this line.

In this 70,000 word YA fantasy, Sage deals with the realities of being ‘Fossegrim’- I had to look this up. Apparently you did not make this creature up. I love the sound of it, for some reason it reminds me of Jotun and Norse mythology. including the discovery of a whole other race living off an enchanted island in the North Sea. The problem though is that this feels like too much telling. Telling is not altogether taboo in queries, but it can get you into trouble. For example right here I'm wondering whether the other race is the same thing as the Fossegrim, and are the Fossgrim essentially just mermen or not? Truth is, Sage never asked to sprout a man-tail hilarious and shoot through the waves like a Disney character on roids. Awesome. He’d do anything to get his old imperfect life back. His one chance at becoming human again lies with a Fossegrim who threw the changing stone down on human land seventy years ago so that she could stay with the man she loved. If Sage can find her and convince her to go back to the ocean, he can reclaim his humanity. Here are the beginnings of a great conflict and choice setup, but this is too confusing and too vague. First of all you need to clarify that Fossgrim are all the same kind of creatures, and that that is the name of the race, not of a character, because right now it's not completely clear. Second this part about the female one throwing down the stone and it somehow being the key to Sage becoming human again sounds awesome, after you re-read it a couple of times to make sure you understand it. You should try to re-word this so that it both sounds more exciting (high stakes) and makes more sense. Readers, can you help with some suggestions?

But his homecoming proves dangerous. Being Fossegrim has made him an enemy to those he was once closest to and, to top it all off, he returns home to find a warrant out for his arrest. Despite Sage’s desire to be human again, his choice between regaining the life he’s lost or protecting the world he’s found won’t be as easy as he once thought. I'm not sure you need this. The main problem as I see it in your query is the lack of specificty. I do like the warrant and how that raises the stakes but it kind of comes out of left field. That doesn't have to be entirely a bad thing but right now I'm left wondering what the plot is, and which part is the main conflict. And who are these enemies?


I began writing my own books and stories at age fifteen and FOSSEGRIM is my third completed manuscript. I also write articles about publishing, the craft of writing, and the querying process which are featured on my blog: http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com/. I am twenty eight years old; a married mother of three, and have been residing in France for the last six years. This is debatable. Really the only thing that actually matters is your story, but certain agents may like this kind of thing. Others will hate it though, so be sure to research what kind of mini-bio agents are looking for.

Listing the blog is good, but you should try to make it display properly. The HTML code for displaying a link without showing the whole URL is like this: [a href="http://creepyquerygirl.blogspot.com"]Creepy Query Girl[/a]. Just replace the [ and ] with a <> (I had to write it that way to get it to display). The problem here is that different email carriers will format things differently, so you may just want to use the plain text URL.

Thank you very much for your time. If you feel that this project holds promise, I will send the added material accordingly.

Sincerely,

CQG.

So that's it. Please try to help us out here. Any feedback at all is much appreciated but I would especially love if anyone can help suggest a better and more concise hook for Katie, as well as a re-write about the changing stone main conflict bit. Ideas?