Thursday, September 9, 2010

Emily White's New Query

Here is Emily's new query, which she has updated based on our advice, yay!

Dear Super Agent:

Personal stuff.

Emily has a great point about this. She wanted to make sure to let me know that she puts this here because her dream agent prefers it there. The best advice for this is to find out what each agent wants, but if they don't say I would still advise jumping right into the story.

Seventeen year old Ella thinks it just sucks that life gets worse after escaping an interstellar prison ship. For one, in prison no one expected her to do anything except sit around all day in a dark, dank, dirty, depressing…well, you get it. But now, everyone she meets—though as nice as they may be—seems to think she’s supposed to save the galaxy from a war-happy fallen angel with a god complex—or die trying.

I mean, have they seen her? Years of solitary confinement haven’t exactly prepared her for fighting, or walking—or any semblance of balance on two feet for that matter.

But after being nearly ripped to pieces by some all-too-hungry giant bugs, Ella discovers a latent ability she never knew she had. Anybody order crispy critters? With fire now at her tenuous disposal, Ella’s forced to admit she might be different and come to terms with the monster raging inside her—the monster that would like nothing more than to watch the universe burn. Unfortunately, the god she’s supposed to fight’s not sitting around waiting for her to figure everything out. He knows the prophecy claiming she’s the one meant to kill him. But he also knows he’s got a better chance of winning and plunging the galaxy into a veritable hell if he takes her before she learns the scope of her power. If Ella doesn’t embrace the monster and stand up to this god, she won’t be the only one to end up dead.

ELEMENTAL, a 66,000 word YA Science Fiction set in a galaxy in desperate need of change, is rife with teleporting fairies, interstellar battleships, and things that go boom.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Emily White

This is so much better Emily! Great work. Just remember a query is never really done and if it's not getting the request rate you'd hoped for you can always come ask the community for more help. It's what we're here for.

So that's it for today. Thanks for visiting!

25 comments:

Emily White said...

Thanks, Matthew and everyone for all your great feedback! You guys are so amazing! :D

Jessica Carmen Bell said...

hahaha That's brilliant!!! I got tingles! :o)

K. M. Walton said...

MUCH better!!! Best of luck to you, Emily.

Vicki Rocho said...

I'm late to the party AGAIN (is there any Chex Mix left?), but this is a huge improvement. good job!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Much more condensed.

Will Burke said...

oooh, genre-bend-a-riffic!

Candyland said...

A lot tighter. Just like my body (HAHAHAHAHA...)....oh...I made myself laugh. But no, seriously, it's much better. Great story to begin with but Timmy, err, uhh, Matt made it sing like a bird.

Bish Denham said...

Wow! What a difference. Excellent good job Emily!

Mesmerix said...

HUGE difference, what an improvement!

I want to read this, just based on the query. I love the end line about "things that go boom." Wonderful. I don't have anything else to offer to change. It's got all the things I would look for were I an agent.

GREAT WORK!

Melissa Gill said...

I think this sounds great. The most important thing I saw in this query was a lot of voice. To me that says the writing probably has a lot of the same, and that's what makes a book fresh and interesting. Way to go!

Old Kitty said...

I loved this too!! Well done Emily!!!

Good luck!

Take care
x

aspiring_x said...

this is so much better! i can't imagine someone reading this, and not wanting to hear the whole story! :)

LTM said...

supergreat! And sounds like a fun book! best of luck Emily~

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Wow, this is a great query. Much tighter. I'd be requesting a full after reading it.

Good luck, Emily!

Falen (Sarah) said...

ooh so much tighter and therefore even more awesome than before!
Good job and good luck!

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Brilliant. So much tighter than it was yesterday. Awesome work.

Good luck, Emily. :)

Kathryn said...

Oh wow, cool story! Great job, Emily! We're rootin' for ya!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Wow, greatly improved!

VICTORIA SAAVEDRA said...

Best of luck. This rocked!

Jeffrey Beesler said...

Looks lots better, Emily! Definitely the best of luck to you, though if what they say about needing only two of the three of luck, talent, and persistence, you may not actually need the luck.

DEZMOND said...

oh, I love when things get interstellar ;)

Jared Larson said...

Since everyone is saying, much tighter, I'll go with, way firmer. Good job, Emily!

Piedmont Writer said...

Great job! "...and things that go boom." is absolutely fantastic!

Jaleh D said...

Wow. Love the improvements you've made on the query, Emily. I hope your dream agent loves it, too.

Jemi Fraser said...

Love the voice in this!! I think this is just the kind of adventure that my students would gobble up! Good luck with it :)