Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Step Five

Hi. My name is Matthew and I'm a blogaholic.

There is never enough. Never enough time, never enough posts, never enough comments, never enough followers. Each single one is like an injection of happiness.

Today I am on Step Five.

I've admitted to Him, Nathan Bransford, to myself, and to another human being (my readers) the exact nature of my wrongs.

- I didn't shower for 2 weeks when I reached 100 followers.
- I gave my kids pop tarts for dinner because I was working on the guest post for Elana Johnson.
- I fed my kids Ritz crackers and cheese from an aerosol can because I was working on the guest post for Lisa and Laura Roecker.
- I cried and ate ice cream and took too many muscle relaxers when no one read any of my posts for the first week.
- I laid in bed for weeks when I got hard to swallow feedback about my novel. I neglected hygiene, parenting, taking the dog out and going to work for so long I developed bed sores and my leg muscles atrophied.

Soon I may share about Step Six.

Disclaimer: This post is satirical. It is not meant to offend anyone, or to belittle the integrity of 12 Step Programs anywhere, which have saved countless lives since their inception.

32 comments:

Jessica Carmen Bell said...

hahaha! The sad thing is, I actually DO some of those things simply because life can just get too hard ... Or ... I'm plain lazy :o)

Old Kitty said...

I wish you were my dad.
LOL!

Take care
x

Candyland said...

Timmy, never cry. Really long, awkward hug???

Lindsay (a.k.a Isabella) said...

Lol. Never cry though, there is always one of us here to give you a hug.

I too neglect eating...can I count bowls of cereal as a substantial meal? lol.

Christina Lee said...

hahaha, yep! I've never *cough* done any of those things!

DEZMOND said...

OMG, this was deeply touching and kinda disturbing (having in mind the influence on hygiene and feeding of your kids :))

Bish Denham said...

ROFL! I say keep enough pop tarts, Ritz crackers and cheese whiz on hand, just don't throw them at the kids. At least sit them down at the table with paper plates.

Clarissa Draper said...

These are great! Yes, I'm a blogaholic but I'm not ready to get into your program...just yet.

CD

maine character said...

Good God, man. Walk that dog or at least give him your ice cream.

Sorry - forgot this is part of your healing. Keep at it. We're behind you.

Emily White said...

AHAHAHA! You're too funny. If only I hadn't done a couple of those things...

Jared Larson said...

I'm with you in the ice cream boat. Nothing better than ice cream to drown your sorrows in. Can't wait until I get an agent so I can start excercising again. It all depends on that. But yeah, this ice cream binge is getting a little out of hand.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You were a wreck, man! Although I'm sure your kids enjoyed it.

Em-Musing said...

Oooo! STINK-EEEE! Here's the sobering truth: Only a writer's writing can stink, not the writer.

aspiring_x said...

yikes! i thought i had it bad!!! bed sores and atrophy- man i'm sorry! :)
but hey! spray cheese and crackers covers two food groups, right?
you just needed it to be chicken in a biscuit crackers and jalapeno spray cheese and you would have hit four!! :)

LTM said...

EZ cheese counts as a protein.

And like, use your legs, man. If only to drag a** to the toilet. ;p <3

Melissa Gill said...

Pop-tarts for dinner, yum. I haven't eaten processed foods for two months now. I so want a pop-tart

Justine Dell said...

hahaha! And here blogging is supposed to make us feel more connected! There have been many a nights when the fam has had to "eat what you want". And my poor dogs. LoL ;-)

~JD

Colene said...

lol! Excellent. I too get hung up on my blog too much! It's a disease.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Never mind because I'm a blogaholic. I'm doing these things because I'm addicted to writing. Period.

Okay, maybe not the last one. ;)

Will Burke said...

I'm sure that your kids' friends call you the "Cool Dad," when you're not shuffling around in your house coat, smelling like cheese & vinigar.

Tere Kirkland said...

LOL, bedsores hurt!

I think I'm ready to admit I have a problem. That's the first step. Then I get to eat all the ice cream and muscle relaxers I want, right? ;)

Simon C. Larter said...

HAHAHAA!

Er...yes.

Nice one, good sir. :)

Elana Johnson said...

LOL! Well, I'm glad to know that I inspired pop tarts. I hope they were the S'mores flavor.

And dude, I'm a huge blogoholic.

Carolyn Abiad said...

Where'd you get that coffee mug? I think I need one. Not for me, for a FRIEND! ;)

Jeffrey Beesler said...

Blogging can get intense, that's for sure. Thanks for a great post, Matthew!

Hannah Kincade said...

I think I do a good job at not being addicted but itsbecome like another part time job. I still spend 20 hours blogging and reading and commenting. Sigh. At least you're not alone. :D

Vicki Rocho said...

My kids would vote me Parent of the Year if I let them eat Pop Tarts for dinner!

Ted Cross said...

Glad it was satirical, because I can't go one day without a shower. Two weeks...no way.

Tabitha said...

Wow, my kids don't even know what pop tarts are! Yeah, I'm one of those sugar-nazi parents...but my seven year old son is energetic enough *without* it. I'd lose my sanity if we had sugary stuff in the house on a regular basis. :)

Well, that, and I'd also eat it all before the kids even knew it was there. :)

Angela Ackerman said...

Cheese from a can? I wish my parenting skills were at this level! You're awesome!

Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

Shannon said...

Hi Matt,

As a recovering blogaholic, I know exactly how you feel. I had the shakes real bad the first week. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you, man.

Creepy Query Girl said...

you crack me up. lol. I'm still on the wagon at the moment. I had to nip my blogaholism in the butt a couple months ago when real life demanded attention. Since then I'm recovering and trying to keep a healthy relationship with my blog. I think everyone will know if and when I fall off the wagon again.