Samantha Jean's Current Query Critiqued

All right. So here we have Samantha's query letter again, this time with my feedback, which is in red.

Dear [AGENT],

I chose to submit my story manuscript for your consideration because of your expertise in the young adult genre, and because [personalized tidbit about agent/books or authors successfully represented by agent].

Almost-fifteen-year-old Lilith Butler’s life is a suburban girl’s heaven: perfect grades, loving parents, sister-like girlfriends, and her long-time crush is finally paying attention to her. This is pretty good. You quite skillfully fit in backstory and set up Lilith's world (not quite world building, because it's Urban Fantasy, but still good). The only problem is, I would like to know more about who Lilith is before her story begins. We get some sense of character from these external things that surround her, but it would be better to know what kind of person she is, independent of what goes on around her. That is, until the arrival of an uninvited guest two days before her birthday unearths buried family secrets which turn her existence into anything but heavenly. Normally this would be way too vague for a query letter. You need to always be as specific as possible. You might be able to get away with some of it here, though, because you explain the details in a moment.

Accepting she was adopted at birth and lied to ever since is difficult, but believing she’s related to mythological creatures and destined to become one of them? Yeah, right. This clears up half of the vagueness in the previous sentence, but it would be better if you could clarify who this uninvited guest is, and how he or she knows, and reveals, this information.

But one’s true nature cannot be denied. This is slightly cliche. Not too bad, though.

Forced to forget her life as a mortal, Lilith goes to live with her father is he the guest? Did she know him before this? on his farm where she is indoctrinated into the ways of the Vrykólakas, I looked this up, and it's basically a Greek vampire, which sounds pretty cool. an ancient race hidden from modern human society. It’s far from easy adjusting to life as a tame, blood-drinking immortal, tame AND blood-drinking? That sounds like an odd but interesting contradiction. especially with off-limits Devon Green is this the name of a character, or a park in London? providing constant temptation only a field away. However, denying her desire for Devon is as impossible as ignoring the haunting memories of her former life. Her former life as a suburban girl? Or does she have memories of another life, even before that one? Add learning she has a key role to play in the ongoing war for Heaven and has to learn to fight enemies she’s never heard of including demons whose bite means eternal death. Dividing these sentences here makes them fragments. It's okay to break grammar rules on purpose in a query for effect, but I don't think it works here. And top it off with the risk of capture by Lucifer, the Lord of Chaos, if she ever leaves the protected confines of her family’s farm, and eternity is looking bleak.

You've got some fascinating elements here, and the stakes clearly seem to be raised to the utmost, with not just death, but eternal death awaiting Lilith. However, the main conflict of your plot gets confused near the end here. You mention the war for Heaven, and Lilith's role in it, but then it seems from your final sentence in this paragraph, that Lilith is choosing not to enter this war, and rather remain safe at her family farm. When I think about it, it seems likely that she has some kind of internal struggle over this for a while, and eventually decides to leave this haven and join the fight. If that's the case, you need to make it clearer. If it's not, and something else takes place, well, then you need to make that clear.

Lilith’s unwillingness to embrace her destiny without first finding closure for the past leads her to follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul. I suppose this bit does clarify her decision to leave, but it gets muddied up a bit by the vague mention of her past again. The only past we know of from this query is the one of a normal suburban girl. If there is something more substantial than that, like previous lives as an immortal or something, you need to be specific.

TÉLOS is a 115,000 word work of clean, you don't need this. YA is generally not clean, because teenagers tend to swear, and have sex, or at the very least, want sex, badly. Adult thoughts and urges tend to be particularly present in the Urban Fantasy sub-genre. If you've written a story that does not contain those elements, that's fine, but you don't need to point it out in a query. Besides, your editor very well may tell you to tone up or down the level of clean or not clean, in the long run. YA Urban Fantasy, and this is my first novel. There's no need to mention this. By not having any publications in your bio, and agent can infer you've never been published. Mentioning this being your first novel is just a strike against you.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

In summary: you start out pretty strong, setting up an interesting dynamic of normalcy into sudden surprising paranormal elements. You weave backstory seamlessly into your hook, which is well done, and with only one or two more words about Lilith's character, I think you'd have a great opening.

The problem is when things begin to get vague. A mysterious stranger. A trip to her father's farm, when it's unknown whether she is familiar with this place, or her father. Mention of some former life, which I suspect is not the life of a suburban teenager. A war for Heaven, deadly demons, Lucifer ... none of which become clear exactly how they relate to the conflict Lilith must overcome.

I like the mention of a difficult choice she must make whether or not to leave the farm, but I can't tell exactly how long she stays before deciding to enter this war. I get the feeling she may not leave until the last third of the book. That's fine, but try to make it clearer in your query.

That's it.

What do you all think?

NOTE: It's my turn as an A to Z challenge co-host, to post an introduction over at the A to Z challenge blog. So if you'd like to get to know me better, please go read that post.

Samantha Jean's Current Query

Before we get started, I just want to mention HBO's production of the feature film: Game Change. We watched it with the kids last night, and in spite of a bit of swearing, it's a great story. Regardless of whether you agree with the politics or not, the tale of John McCain's 2008 presidential campaign and his pick of Sarah Palin as a running mate is a fascinating story. I know we're all looking forward to Woody Harrelson as Haymitch, but he threw down another solid performance in this one. The real standout, though, is Julianne Moore, who proves once again that she is one of the greatest character actors of the era.

If you have HBO, I recommend giving it a shot.

Now, let's get down to business. Today is for Samantha Jean's query letter, but first, you must visit her blog and become a follower, here. Back? Excellent.

Her query:

Dear [AGENT],

I chose to submit my story for your consideration because of your expertise in the young adult genre, and because [personalized tidbit about agent/books or authors successfully represented by agent].

Almost-fifteen-year-old Lilith Butler’s life is a suburban girl’s heaven: perfect grades, loving parents, sister-like girlfriends, and her long-time crush is finally paying attention to her. That is, until the arrival of an uninvited guest two days before her birthday unearths buried family secrets which turn her existence into anything but heavenly.

Accepting she was adopted at birth and lied to ever since is difficult, but believing she’s related to mythological creatures and destined to become one of them? Yeah, right.

But one’s true nature cannot be denied.

Forced to forget her life as a mortal, Lilith goes to live with her father on his farm where she is indoctrinated into the ways of the Vrykólakas, an ancient race hidden from modern human society. It’s far from easy adjusting to life as a tame, blood-drinking immortal, especially with off-limits Devon Green providing constant temptation only a field away. However, denying her desire for Devon is as impossible as ignoring the haunting memories of her former life. Add learning she has a key role to play in the ongoing war for Heaven and has to learn to fight enemies she’s never heard of including demons whose bite means eternal death. And top it off with the risk of capture by Lucifer, the Lord of Chaos, if she ever leaves the protected confines of her family’s farm, and eternity is looking bleak.

Lilith’s unwillingness to embrace her destiny without first finding closure for the past leads her to follow her heart into a battle for more than just her immortal soul.

TÉLOS is a 115,000 word work of clean, YA Urban Fantasy, and this is my first novel.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow. Thanks!

Announcement: Brent Taylor's Editing Services

Do you all know Brent Taylor? Or perhaps you recognize him better as the sole proprietor of Naughty Book Kitties? Either way, Brent is opening his keen eye to the public, at prices that you're probably going to be pleasantly surprised by.

Before I get to the details, let me just say a few things about my own personal experience with Brent. I knew him first as one of the best book reviewers on the web, but since then, I have worked with him on my own manuscript, and I can tell you his knowledge is impressive.

Brent has been an intern in publishing for over a year now, and he also writes freelance for VOYA, SLJ, and Lambda Literary. What this means is that Brent has a keen eye for pacing, character arc, plot development, and especially YA voice, and he knows what's selling. But he doesn't deal exclusively with YA novels, and his editing skills can be applied to almost any genre. Here's how he describes his skills at his blog:

My areas of expertise are YA and middle grade in children's; in adult, paranormal romance, urban fantasy, cozy mysteries, and upmarket commercial and women's fic.

The thing that has impressed me most about working with Brent is how fast his turn-around time is, without sacrificing how in depth he goes.

Here are some testimonials from authors who have worked with him:

"I can always count on Brent for a sharp-eyed critique and a quick turn-around. He possesses a winning combination of honesty and kindness, and I know his insightful commentary and agency experience will improve my manuscript. If I was in the process of finding representation, you can bet he would be the first person I would count on to help prepare a killer query and polish up my manuscript."

- Delilah S. Dawson, author with Pocket/S&S and Associate Editor at http://www.coolmompicks.com/

"Brent’s editorial input was absolutely essential in making my manuscript what it is today. He has a remarkable eye for characterization and voice, pinpointing the inconsistencies that were holding my characters back and suggesting changes that fit seamlessly into my voice and vision for the story. Most importantly, Brent didn’t just point out the things that didn’t work in my novel, but the things that really worked as well, helping me use those strengths to my advantage. My novel, and my writing itself, has improved because of his guidance."

- Laura Wettersten, represented by Ken Wright at Writers House

Brent has great prices, but rather than share the details, and give out his email address, here, I'll just direct you to the page on his blog that has the details, since you should be following his blog anyway.

EDIT: Brent shared a tidbit with me that might also interest you: he'll do queries alone, for the bargain basement price of $10.00, and that includes how ever many passes it take before it really shines.

You can also follow Brent on Twitter at: @NaughtyBrent

Any questions?

Metaphorically Speaking

It's been a rough week here in QQQE land. So I'm hooking your Friday up with teh funneh.

These are not originals written by me. These are some examples from a supposed collection of the world's worst metaphors, which, according to the internet, were collected by high school English teachers.

Enjoy.

• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
• He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
• Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
• Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
• Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
• He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
• I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
• She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

You're welcome.

The Lifespan of a Fact

There was a fascinating story on NPR this morning, about embellishing the truth in writing. Most of us here, in the writing and publishing blogsphere, write fiction, so truth is of little consequence, unless it comes to properly researching the correct airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. But in non-fiction, narrative or otherwise, facts and truth, become a bit more paramount.

I'm sure you all remember James Frey, and his "memoir," A Million Little Pieces. If you don't, he's the author who was publicly called out on Oprah Winfrey's show, for falsifying many of the key details of his autobiography.

Anyway, this post isn't about all that. It's about the two gentlemen in the photo, and the new book that they're involved in. The Lifespan of a Fact is a new book getting talked about for defending an author's right to embellish facts, even in non-fiction. The two men in this photo are Jim Fingal (left), a fact-checker turned software engineer, and John D'Agata, who teaches nonfiction writing at the University of Iowa, and is the author of About a Mountain.

The Lifespan of a Fact focuses on an essay D'Agata wrote about a boy who committed suicide 16 years ago in Las Vegas, by jumping off the Stratosphere Tower. In the essay, D'Agata wrangles several dates, and twists the facts for dramatic effect, into an essay that while it may not shatter the truth, certainly bends it.

This new book contains the essay, and some correspondence between the two men, who had to work together for the essay to be published in The Believer, after it was rejected by Harpers. You can read the article at NPR, here, but the audio from the piece on Morning Edition will not be available until 9 AM.

What do you guys think? Have any of you ever written non-fiction? Even if you haven't, do you think a writer has the right to embellish certain things, for dramatic effect? What if, writing about your own past, you simply can't remember every detail?