Project Mayhem - Shannon Messenger Blog Tour

Today is my (well, me at Project Mayhem) day to host Shannon Messenger in her blog tour for the release of her debut MG novel, Keeper of the Lost Cities. Shannon is the best kind of friend, and such an awesome blogger, as many of you know. She's written a fun guest post for us at PMGM, so please stop by, and read it. Thanks!

You Guys Really Missed Out

First of all, congratulations to the Atlanta Braves, who clinched a playoff spot last night with their walk-off defeat of the Miami Marlins, but especially to Kris Medlen, who tied a record set in 1950-53, by Whitey Ford and the New York Yankees. Kris is the best pitcher in baseball right now, but make no mistake, this is a record that can only be won by a great team.

Now, that's not what I meant when I titled this post. You missed out because one of my best internet writing friends has changed the rules on his First Impact Critiques. Adam Heine is one of the smartest guys I know. He's also one of the kindest and most giving, but that's beside the point. The point is that he has this series he does, critiquing anything from queries, to jacket copy, to first pages, to even short synopses. To quote him "basically anything under 300 words that is used to answer the question, 'Do I want to read this book?'"

He's still open to accepting submissions for the critiques, but due to lack of submissions, he's had to stop offering the prizes. He used to give away Amazon gift cards, or even better, critiques from his agent, Tricia Lawrence, to readers who commented with their own feedback on the posts.

I'm here to tell you that you should send him something. Yes, even if I've already critiqued your query, you should send it to Adam. He's very good at what he does. His forte is Science Fiction and Fantasy, but I've seen him critique everything from Erotica to Mystery, and he always does so with skill and style.

I don't know if he'll open up the prizes again if I send him enough people, but it doesn't matter. The critiques themselves are worth it on their own. So head over to his blog, read Pawn's Gambit, check the First Impact page, and hit him up. You won't regret it.

Be Inspired - Tagged by Autumn

Man, I love the fall. Football. Baseball. The weather cools off. I came outside this morning, just after 5 AM, and there was frost on the windshield of my car. The air felt crisp. My dog hurried with her business. Autumn is my kind of season. Jeans and hoodies. Craft beer. Great sports.

Anyway, I got tagged in one of those things. You know, those posts that people tag you in? I was tagged by Michael Offut, and I then proceeded to forget about it, as I often do, even though I kind of wanted to do this one. I've wanted to talk about this book for a long time. So, then I got tagged again, by Adam Heine (who was tagged by Authoress) and I realized I better just do it, before I forget (reading back over the posts, these might be two separate post-chain tags, but whatever, I'm combining them here).

The idea is to answer some questions about your WIP. I'm not going to talk about my current WIP, because I'm still drafting, but I will talk about my last WIP, which is technically still in progress, because I haven't sold it.

So that's an image of The Eight Principles of Yong up there, separated into individual strokes. The character means 'permanence' in Chinese Hanzi and Japanese Kanji. East Asian Calligraphy features prominently in my manuscript WARRIOR-MONKS.

Now, to the questions:

What is the working title of your book?

WARRIOR-MONKS.

Where did the idea come from for the book?

Well, I actually went to reform school as a teenager, and one day the thought occurred to me: what if I wrote about that experience, except I made the school (mostly) cool, instead of some place you would want to run away from? Except, the kids do still want to run away, at least at first, because they're punks.

In what genre would you classify your book?

I call it YA Rural Fantasy, which is obviously a play on Urban Fantasy, but works, because it applies. It could also fall under Contemporary Fantasy or Magical Realism, but I don't worry too much about putting things in neat little boxes.

Who would you pick to play your characters in a movie adaptation?

This is going to sound like blasphemy to some of you out there, but I really don't think about this much. Do I think about my books being made into movies? Hell yes. But I don't think much about the actors, which is pretty odd, because my mother was an actress and my father was a stage manager. There is one character in my book I would love to see played by Ken Watanabe, or maybe Hiroyuki Sanada.

Give us a one sentence synopsis of your book?

A reluctant juvenile delinquent must achieve knowledge of self and let go of resentment amidst magic and martial arts at the world's strangest reform school.

Is your book already published?

Nope. Still working on getting an agent. Considering shelving this one for a while if the last full I have out comes back with a big R.

How long did it take you to write this book?

Write? I must assume you mean draft, because while I haven't made any changes in months, I won't consider it done until an editor has paid me for it. It took me just under a year to draft.

What other books in your genre would you compare it to?

None. I'm not trying to be a pretentious ass-hat, but I've never read anything like this. I suppose it's a little like Harry Potter, because there is a special school, but the similarity ends there. I suppose it's a little bit like Stormdancer, by Jay Kristoff, because it's a YA Fantasy steeped heavily in Japanese mysticism. But really, I haven't read a book like this.

Which authors inspired you to write this book?

I've wanted to write a novel ever since I was a little kid, so I guess J.R.R. Tolkien. It always comes back to Tolkien for me.

What else inspired you to write this book?

Well, other than my own past experiences, mentioned above, it was my love of Eastern thought, and things like tea, Zen, Japanese swords, Yoga, meditation, martial arts, and kicking ass.

What else about your book might pique the reader's interest?

Well the setting is mostly absolutely authentic, because I actually lived in that part of the world as a teen. Also a lot of the story is based heavily in the truth of my own life. Other than that, there is a lot of awesome magic, weapons, martial arts like Kenjutsu and Aikido, and there is even some kissing, for the ladies.

Now, as far as actually tagging other people like you're supposed to, I'm not into it. I don't like tagging people, because I don't like leaving anyone out. And besides, I'm no good at following up to make sure they do it, anyway. Also, this post is way too long already. Happy Tuesday!

RECAPTURED DREAMS by Justine Dell - Blog Tour

Today I am very, very proud and excited to be featuring my oldest online writer friend for her book tour, Justine Dell! We met in the forums at Nathan Bransford's blog and website, ages ago, and though our correspondence has risen and fallen over the years as both of us moved through our lives and our writing careers, she's never stopped being awesome.

So it's with great pleasure I give her my blog today, as another stop on her tour for the release of Recaptured Dreams, her debut novel, published by Omnific Publishing, on September 18th.

There have already been a variety of posts about the book, which you should definitely check out, but Justine and I wanted to do something different today, something QQQE style. So we decided to analyze together the query that won her editor at Omnific over. Justine has had a successful query analyzed over here before. It was so long ago, I'm almost loath to link to it, but I will, just for fun: BROKEN TIES THAT BIND.

So anyway, here is the query for Recaptured Dreams, along with some necessary redaction, my thoughts in blue, and Justine's in green. Enjoy!

The query:

Ten years, the Atlantic Ocean, and several rungs in the society ladder have kept Xavier Cain from having Sophia Montel. Their teenage tryst was forbidden and xx xxx xxx xxxxx xxxx xxx xxxxxxx. Now twenty-seven, he’s spent his entire adult life building a fashion empire that would prove his worth to her family. When he finally sees Sophia again at London’s premiere fashion show, one problem lodges in his path: Sophia doesn’t remember him.

I don't want to break up these paragraphs, so I'll just put my thoughts after each one. If you read my query critiques, you'll know that this query doesn't fit the rules I often refer to, but it doesn't matter. The important thing is that it worked. What I like about this query, or at least this paragraph, is the way it builds the world (yes, even contemporary romance novels can do with a bit of world building, or at least region building) at the same time it clues us in to both the backstory, and some of the character of at least one of our protagonists. And that's all just the first sentence!

The rest seems standard fare for romance, but I like that it almost hints at epic family piece, like a Ken Follett novel.

The only thing that has kept Sophia from Xavier is a horrific car crash that erased her memory at seventeen. She’s spent the last ten years fighting to reclaim a sliver of her past that her mother refuses to help her remember. When Sophia meets Xavier at the London show, all her fantasies come to life in one night of passion. When she discovers he is the missing link, she is determined to find all the pieces to their love story and her memory.

Now, I'm not a big romance reader, so I'm not entirely aware of the cliché Justine mentions below, but this seems like an excellent set-up for conflict and tension to me. They meet again after ten years, they make love, he remembers, she doesn't, but then maybe she does. It's all right out of a tragic opera, and that seems perfect for a romance novel to me.

They journey back to America to find and salvage their long-ago love. The trip jolts Sophia’s memory and she learns xxxxxx xxx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxxxx for xx xxxx: xxxxxx’s xxxxxxx is xxxxxxxx xxx xxx xxxxxx’s xxx. Facing the shock of a lifetime, they must decide if their rekindled love is enough to gap to lies they’d been told.

Obviously this is a little hard to analyze with such a large and important detail missing, but we can't give everything away for a novel that's actually published, can we? And don't try highlighting that text, you tech-savvy smarty pants, I've taken care of that workaround.

Let's leave it to Justine.

I had an uphill climb with this book (and the plot). One, it’s on the shorter side and two, it has amnesia in the plot. Cliché, anyone? Yes, I’ll take one! I didn’t realize that an amnesia plot was one of the ten plots that were no-no’s in romance. Overdone, they’d said. Well, thankfully, mine has a wee bit of a twist and I think that publisher saw that in the query. Which is why you don’t see some of the words. Sorry! Didn’t want to spoil it! J

Plus, let’s face it, who thinks a strong male lead would be a clothing designer? I broke the mold in stereotyping there, peeps, and I think that helped with the originality of the story. That (and the twist) is why I think this particular query worked.

That's it.

Thanks so much for sharing this with me, Justine! I'm so happy for you. Enjoy the rest of your tour, you've earned it!

NOTE: I've updated this post so that my reference to historical romance is removed. Justine agrees that she could have made the contemporary aspect clearer in the query, but we both decided it was important for everyone to see that even queries that work often have room for improvement. If I was going to change one word in this query to clarify the contemporary setting, I would change "[t]hey journey back to America ..." to "[t]hey fly back to America."

Patricia Moussatche's Current Query Critiqued

Man, I hate oversleeping. I mean, don't get me wrong, I hate waking up on time, too (so not a morning person), but waking up late sucks in a different way. I work on a 24/7 tech support team, so when I normally get in a 6 AM, I'm relieving someone who has been there all night. When I'm late, they have to stay ...

Anyway, talking about my day job is so lame, even I'm already bored. So let's get to work. Today we have Patricia's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

Here's the letter:

Dear [Agent Name],

Top graduates ever from the Academy of Demia, David and Catrine were Queries are generally written in present tense. You can break the rules if you make it work, but be careful, because your tense switches in the third paragraph. I realize you're using tense to separate backstory from story, but that means you've got two whole paragraphs of backstory! more than friends and schoolmates -- You don't usually surround em-dashes with spaces. In fact, I recommend leaving them out of queries, but if you're going to use them, make sure you use them--like this--right. they were a team. At least until the day he kissed her. Otherwise, as far as content goes, this opening isn't bad. I like this twist, I like the bit of world-building, and I like the sense of character we have, but I do think we could use a little more characterization. Who is the protagonist? David? Try to introduce him first, give us a sense of who he is, and make it clear why we should care that he succeeds.

That was the day David noticed the tiny tattoo hidden in her hair. Ooh, I like this. He recognized the symbol from a book that implied a single family had been ruling Demia since colonization. I was thinking Fantasy up until this point, but it's not really a problem, because you can mention genre in the subject line of your email. But David had never believed the book before -- it contradicted the core principles on which the planet was founded. Demia was the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It was supposed to value merit, not birthright. Everyone knew the last two headmasters were from the same bloodline -- but all of them? No wonder the history books have disappeared! I'm struggling with this. On the one had, it's all pretty cool. Certainly important to the story, and clearly makes for a fascinating world rife with conflict, but I'm not sure whether it belongs in a query. This is essentially all backstory, set-up, or world-building. Or all three. In a query, you kind of need to open with an inciting incident, and then get right to the conflict. The discovery of the tattoo might be that incident, and I realize you need to set-up the contradiction for the conflict to make sense, but you might need to go about it more quickly.

Now David is certain Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even exist on their academic planet. You've already set this up enough, so unless you cut some of it, you don't need to repeat this point. Will his own accomplishments count for naught when the next ruler is chosen? And how can he love her if she represents the hypocrisy of the utopian society he has always believed in? Wow. Tough choice. Works excellently in this query.

When David discovers his parents are conspiring to make him king of Demia -- a position that does not exist -- by marrying him to Catrine, he is sure his leadership skills can be better employed bringing peace to the turmoil at the other end of the galaxy. He does not want to be part of a deceitful government, but can Demia prosper without him? And how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? The bait might just be more than he can resist. This is excellent too. If you could somehow distill this query down to these last two paragraphs, you'd be in great shape.

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 85,000 words, is social science fiction and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. I also work with science fiction in test tubes at [the cool place I work]. If you really do it, wouldn't it be science non-fiction?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Okay, in summary: I'm having a really hard time deciding what to tell you to change about this query. You've got two long paragraphs of backstory, that I would normally say you have to cut, but then the two great plot paragraphs wouldn't make as much sense.

The one thing I definitely think you should do is introduce David by himself, show us who he is, and make us care. Then, if you could tighten up the backstory about the world, maybe into one or two brief sentences, and then get right to the actual plot/conflict/story, I think you'd be in much better shape.

Let's see what my readers think.

That's it.

What do you all think? Can the query work with all that backstoy? Or do you think there's another way to go about it? Anything else you would suggest?

Patricia Moussatche's Current Query

Happy Thursday, readers. Today we have Patricia Moussatche, AKA Patchi, from My Middle Years. Or, well, at least we have her query. She doesn't seem to have GFC installed, but you can follow her posts via RSS, if you like.

Now, her query:

Dear [Agent Name],

Top graduates ever from the Academy of Demia, David and Catrine were more than friends and schoolmates -- they were a team. At least until the day he kissed her.

That was the day David noticed the tiny tattoo hidden in her hair. He recognized the symbol from a book that implied a single family had been ruling Demia since colonization. But David had never believed the book before -- it contradicted the core principles on which the planet was founded. Demia was the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It was supposed to value merit, not birthright. Everyone knew the last two headmasters were from the same bloodline -- but all of them? No wonder the history books have disappeared!

Now David is certain Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even exist on their academic planet. Will his own accomplishments count for naught when the next ruler is chosen? And how can he love her if she represents the hypocrisy of the utopian society he has always believed in?

When David discovers his parents are conspiring to make him king of Demia -- a position that does not exist -- by marrying him to Catrine, he is sure his leadership skills can be better employed bringing peace to the turmoil at the other end of the galaxy. He does not want to be part of a deceitful government, but can Demia prosper without him? And how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? The bait might just be more than he can resist.

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 85,000 words, is social science fiction and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. I also work with science fiction in test tubes at [the cool place I work].

Thank you for your time and consideration.

That's it.

Please thank Patricia for sharing in the comments, and save your feedback for tomorrow. Thanks!

Lori Clark's Current Query Critiqued

Today we have Lori's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue. Let's get right to work.

The query:

Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Molly Hatfield's childhood friend Preston is the boy next door, the kid whose shorts end up around his ankles every time he dives into the pool. Hmm. I've never seen a query introduce two characters in the first sentence. I'm not sure it works, either. I mean that's a fun line, and it characterizes Preston a bit, but who's story is this? You don't want to confuse the reader as to your protagonist in your opening sentence, or ever, really. Also, if you are going to break the rules like this, you need to think about the logical progression. You go from him being a little boy whose swim trunks are too big, to suddenly he's a hot teenager. That's quite a jump. Now she wonders who this fifteen-year-old bundle of sex-on-a-stick is in front of her and what he did with Preston. Again, this is great voice, and a nice line as far as writing goes, but this isn't the general structure of how a query normally works. If this is Molly's story, which it seems to be, you need to open by introducing us to her, not Preston.

When Molly's mom suddenly dies, the idea of spending this summer -- like every summer before -- (you don't usually separate em-dashes with spaces) at Breaker Beach is impossible to imagine. Before she leaves, a margarita induced lapse in judgment causes her to lock lips with Preston; even though she's made it clear he's too young for her. Interesting. Her best friend Abi cautions that if she doesn’t call dibs on him soon, somebody else will. Then her summer crush Noah admits he loves her... like a friend, and because he's gay. Finally, just as she starts to acknowledge her feelings for Preston(,) she begins to suspect he's hooking up with Abi. Hey, Abi warned her.

This paragraph seems pretty good to me. I'm not a big reader of romance, so I'm not familiar with how much conflict is needed, or how it fits in a query, but this seems like plenty of intrigue to me.

When someone enters her in a vocal contest at the end of summer she decides to swallow her fears and compete in memory of her mom. What she doesn't count on is Abi and Preston flying in Flying? Is this a colorful action verb, or is she suddenly in some other place? together to surprise her before the show along with her dad and his new girlfriend. I'm not sure about all this. It feels kind of tacked-on. Is this contest a major part of the plot? If so, you might need to feature it more in the query.

Complete at 62,000 words, BREAKER is a contemporary romance for young adults that I believe will appeal to fans of Jenny Han, Sarah Ockler and Ann Brashares.

I've included the first five pages below.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Lori Clark

Okay, now to summarize. You've got the hard part down. This query is made up of great voice, and great writing. The problem is that I have very little sense of Molly's character, and worse, no sense of the plot, or what the main conflict really is.

Even in a Romance, even when there is a happy ending, there must be conflict. You do hint at some things. Molly wanting Preston but he's with Abi. Molly wanting Noah, but he's gay. Molly wanting to win the contest, but ... something. The thing is, though, most queries open with an inciting incident, and then get right to the high stakes conflict. There's nothing wrong with breaking the rules ... if it works.

If you were to re-write this, I would suggest opening with Molly's character. Give us a better sense of who she is, before you start with what happens to her. Then, you can introduce Preston, the beach, and the contest, assuming that's how those elements fit into the plot of the manuscript.

That's it.

What do you all think? Anything you disagree with? How might you re-write Lori's opening hook?

Lori Clark's Current Query

As we try to get back into the swing of things here at the QQQE, it always helps to have queries to read and critique. It's what we're best at, so please keep them coming. I've only got one person waiting in line after Lori, so if you know anyone who needs help with their query, please send them over. All they have to do is email me.

Now, today we've got Lori's query. I'm waiting on confirmation from her, but I think this is her blog/website. If not, I'll correct the link. UPDATE: I heard back from Lori. That is her blog, but she also has a book review blog, which you can find here.

Now, her letter:

Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Molly Hatfield's childhood friend Preston is the boy next door, the kid whose shorts end up around his ankles every time he dives into the pool. Now she wonders who this fifteen-year-old bundle of sex-on-a-stick is in front of her and what he did with Preston.

When Molly's mom suddenly dies, the idea of spending this summer -- like every summer before -- at Breaker Beach is impossible to imagine. Before she leaves, a margarita induced lapse in judgment causes her to lock lips with Preston; even though she's made it clear he's too young for her. Her best friend Abi cautions that if she doesn’t call dibs on him soon, somebody else will. Then her summer crush Noah admits he loves her... like a friend, and he's gay. Finally, just as she starts to acknowledge her feelings for Preston she begins to suspect he's hooking up with Abi.

When someone enters her in a vocal contest at the end of summer she decides to swallow her fears and compete in memory of her mom. What she doesn't count on is Abi and Preston flying in together to surprise her before the show along with her dad and his new girlfriend.

Complete at 62,000 words, BREAKER is a contemporary romance for young adults that I believe will appeal to fans of Jenny Han, Sarah Ockler and Ann Brashares.

I've included the first five pages below. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Lori Clark

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Lori for sharing her query with us!

Optimism

First off - how bout them Seahawks?

Now, anyway, we took the kidlets to the Braves vs. Nationals on Saturday afternoon, and in spite of a dismal beginning, it turned out to be the best baseball game I've ever seen live.

We'd originally planned on going on Sunday, because it was a one o'clock game, and kids are allowed to run the bases after. My nephew, Bryce, started playing baseball this year, and would have loved to run the bases. But that was a big game, so MLB moved it to 8PM, and we had to change our plans.

We got a great deal on club level seats, which is pretty awesome, because they're great seats, but in spite of that, the game looked like it would be pretty disappointing at first. The main reason I wanted to go was to have one final chance to see Chipper Jones play at Turner Field. If you know anything about baseball, you know that Chipper is a first-ballot hall of famer, and possibly the best switch-hitter to ever play the game. So when we got to our seats, and I saw that not only was Tommy Hanson pitching, but Chipper wasn't starting, I was prepared to be furious.

Then, things got worse when we went down 4-0 by the top of the second. It looked like it was going to be a long, hard day. But I stayed optimistic, and kept an open mind, knowing the kids would enjoy themselves regardless, as long as they got cotton candy and ice cream (which they did), so I was pleasantly surprised when Freddy Freeman and Jason Heyward tied the game up by the sixth, and then Chipper came into the game.

The stands went wild as he stepped to the plate:

And my nephew started choppin':

Sadly, no hit for Chipper, but he did walk, and was on base as a hit batsman (Andrelton Simmons - welcome back!) drove in the eventual winning run. Here is in a powwow at third, while the Washington manager was getting tossed from the game at first:

Then, eventually, it was 5-4 in the top of the ninth, and we got to see my favorite Brave come in for the save:

I wish I could've gotten a better photo, but I only had my phone, so in case you cant' tell, that's Craig Kimbrel, the best young closer in the game.

He let one hitter on base with a single to left, but otherwise struck out the side, and put a perfect ending on what turned out to be a great day.

Here are a few other photos:

Mom and the kids.

That's how I wanna spend my 95th birthday.

Club-level seats, even the kids love em!

So that's it. How was your weekend? I've got some queries coming up soon, and then some tours and guest posts, so hopefully I'm going to be able to get back into the swing of blogging. I hope you all will start coming back to read. Anyway, have as good a Monday as you can!

Celebrate a Life

I saw this on Facebook yesterday, and while I already re-shared it there, I wanted to put it up here for you guys as well. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life, and it hurts, but I still subscribe to the school of thought that it is better to celebrate a life well lived than it is to wallow grief beyond the normal mourning.

Anyway, I didn't put this up to spark any philosophical discussions, just to say: have a great weekend!

Kristen Wixted Mini Interview

Man, since I've been on hiatus so long, I think I kind of forgot how to blog. I used to be so good at it, writing series, publishing flash fiction, featuring successful queries, along with critiquing good ones that needed just a little work. But now, it's all I can manage to eke out three or four sentences.

Well, I'm doing it to you again today. I'm over at Kristen Wixted's (an awesome writer and blogger I've actually met IRL). She has a new series she's calling Quick Questions with Kristen, which are basically just fun, light, mini-interviews. Here is the link to mine.

Happy hump day.

Middle Grade Madi

So, I'm still struggling to get back into the rhythm of blogging, but apparently, ever since Natalie Aguirre interviewed her at Literary Rambles yesterday, my daughter has caught the bug. She's got another post up, and would love it if you would stop by and say hi.

Now, I do need to work with her on what constitutes a proper book review, and what is just kind of a plot summary/short synopsis, but that's okay. She's just getting started.

Two Announcements

First, quickly, my daughter Madison is being interviewed by Natalie at Literary Rambles today. But first, if you have a moment, please stop by Middle Grade Madi, and say hi!

Second, today Sheri Larsen is celebrating signing with Literary Agent Paula Munier of Talcott Notch Literary! And she's holding an epic giveaway celebration:

Here are the details:

Giveaway #1:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Giveaway #2:

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Grand Giveaway:

a Rafflecopter giveaway


Good luck to all who enter!

Laura Stephenson's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday, friends! Today we have Laura's query again, this time with my thoughts, in blue (I have a colorblind friend, and our good old staple, red, doesn't work as well for him). So there.

The query:

Dear Agent,

The whole thing had to be a cruel joke.

This isn't working for me. Without the context of something that's come before it, this line has no real meaning. It certainly takes some on later, but I don't think that works at the opening for a query. Keep in mind though, this kind of feedback is all very subjective, so don't listen to me unless it resonates with your vision (or if pretty much everyone else agrees).

Growing up the prince of a small island, everyone always told Andren how lucky he was, and while? Though? they looked on with jealousy. This isn't bad. It's got some sense of world, and the backstory hints to Andren's character a bit, but I do think you could deliver this in a way that hooks the reader better. What kind of person is he before his story begins? We know what others think of him, but what does he think of himself? But his life was far from picturesque. Picturesque? I would imagine life on an island we be near to picturesque. Or did you mean figuratively? Be careful with your diction, because you don't want an agent to misunderstand your meaning, denotation, connotation, or otherwise. His parents were are (watch your tense) both dead, which meant means he barely got gets to see his older brother anymore due to his kingly duties. He was I'm not going to keep harping on tense, because it's going to get dull very quickly, but here's the thing: queries are normally written in present tense (for fiction, at least). You don't have to follow that rule, because while it's very rare, I'm sure someone, somewhere has made a past tense query work, but you do have to follow the rule of good writing, which means your tense must be uniform throughout, or at least follow logical progression if it switches. required to attend parties where irritating nobles dressed lavishly, so he rarely got to hunt. What is the inciting incident here? Did his parents die recently? And he was turned into a monster through sorcery, so he never got to spend time with Eiva. Whoa. What? This might be your hook. I mean, I suppose, as it ends your true opening paragraph, it is your hook, but you kind of take a bit to get to it, and it sort of drops out of the sky like a meatball. Don't get me wrong, I like it, I just think you need to either get to it sooner, or at least hint at it earlier.

Then Eiva, a canny sorceress who wears robes instead of frippery, because robes are so much more efficient than long, flowing ... er, wait. lifts the curse on Andren. Is this still backstory? What is the main conflict in this manuscript? You've got a lot of cool elements here, but I need to start getting a sense of the main conflict by this point. Still he feels (see what I mean about tense? This is present. Which I get the feeling means, that this is the beginning of the actual story, and the rest is/was backstory) choked by the evil acts he commited committed during his transformation, so he runs away from the memories by travelling traveling out into to the mainland. What he finds there are different people all living in poverty and fear, victims of a ruthless emporer. Andren is outraged, and he makes it his goal to unite the quarrelous nations in war and take out the most powerful being (is this the emperor? Because being sounds kind of supernatural) in the known world. Perhaps once he's done saving them, he can let go of his self hate.

FROM HALVMANE'S SHORE is a fantasy novel with series potential complete at 80,000 words. I also have a finished novella prequel and two other novels in outlining stages. I believe it will appeal to readers who enjoy complex characters that test what it is to be human, such as in Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind. Hmm. Be careful with stuff like this. On the one hand, it's good that you know your genre, and potentially your market, but unless you're querying Mr. Goodkind's own agent, this may sound like a bit of a reach. If you are interested in my query, I have a polished manuscript ready to send. Cut this. You don't query anyone unless you have a complete, polished manuscript, and the ability to send it.


Thank you very much for your consideration.

Laura Stephenson

Okay. So let's summarize. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, Laura, I don't intend it to be. I've nit picked it a bit, because I think you have a cool story underneath this ... sort of a Beauty and the Beast without the Beauty. The problem here is that you really have to dig, and infer a lot of things to get a sense of the story.

The main issue for me is, when does the story actually begin? When his parents die? When he's changed hack into a human? When he leaves his island kingdom for the mainland? There's nothing wrong with including backstory in a query, in fact, the best ones have it, and weave it in seamlessly, but you need to make it clear where the backstory ends, and the tale actually begins.

Other than that, you have some standard query issues that I think we all suffer from, because queries are damn hard. First, we have no real sense of Andren's character. We know a lot of stuff that happens to him, but we don't really know what kind of person he is. It seems at the end here, that maybe he starts to fight for what is right, and that makes him a little sympathetic, but the problem is you need him to be very sympathetic, right from the beginning. I mean you open with a prince, who everyone tells is lucky, but they're all jealous of him. Then, it turns out he spent some time as a monster. I mean that's not the most sympathetic character ever. I'm sure he's compelling in the book, but you need to work on getting that across in the query.

Second, I have no real sense of what your main conflict is. I mean, I can only assume it's this war that's mentioned right at the end, but if it is, you need to bring it up sooner, and make it much clearer. If the war comes later, and the main conflict is the struggle of becoming human again, you'll need to focus more on that.

Finally, I want a better sense of your world. There are some very cool elements: a prince, an emperor, an island, and especially a canny sorceress, but I don't really have a clear sense of the world. You know, the culture, the level of technology, whether there are fantastic creatures and so on. I'm sure you've woven all that in to the manuscript wonderfully, and you certainly can't fit it all in a query, but just a few more hints would help.

That's it.

I really hope this helps. I think you've got the start of something cool here, it just needs a little work.

What do you all think? Is there anything I missed? Anything you disagree with? Please share your thoughts in the comments, and have a great weekend!

Laura Stephenson's Current Query

Do you all know Laura? If not, please visit her blog, here, and become a follower. Back?

Here's her query:

Dear Agent,

The whole thing had to be a cruel joke.

Growing up the prince of a small island, everyone always told Andren how lucky he was, and they looked on with jealousy. But his life was far from picturesque. His parents were both dead, which meant he barely got to see his older brother anymore due to his kingly duties. He was required to attend parties where irritating nobles dressed lavishly, so he rarely got to hunt. And he was turned into a monster through sorcery, so he never got to spend time with Eiva.

Then Eiva, a canny sorceress who wears robes instead of frippery, lifts the curse on Andren. Still he feels choked by the evil acts he commited during his transformation, so he runs away from the memories by travelling out into the mainland. What he finds there are different people all living in poverty and fear, victims of a ruthless emporer. Andren is outraged, and he makes it his goal to unite the quarrelous nations in war and take out the most powerful being in the known world. Perhaps once he's done saving them, he can let go of his self hate.

FROM HALVMANE'S SHORE is a fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words. I also have a finished novella prequel and two other novels in outlining stages. I believe it will appeal to readers who enjoy complex characters that test what it is to be human, such as in Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind. If you are interested in my query, I have a polished manuscript ready to send.

Thank you very much for your consideration.

Laura Stephenson

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, thank Laura for sharing, and have a great Thursday!