The query:
Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent,
Seventeen-year-old Molly Hatfield's childhood friend Preston is the boy next door, the kid whose shorts end up around his ankles every time he dives into the pool. Hmm. I've never seen a query introduce two characters in the first sentence. I'm not sure it works, either. I mean that's a fun line, and it characterizes Preston a bit, but who's story is this? You don't want to confuse the reader as to your protagonist in your opening sentence, or ever, really. Also, if you are going to break the rules like this, you need to think about the logical progression. You go from him being a little boy whose swim trunks are too big, to suddenly he's a hot teenager. That's quite a jump. Now she wonders who this fifteen-year-old bundle of sex-on-a-stick is in front of her and what he did with Preston. Again, this is great voice, and a nice line as far as writing goes, but this isn't the general structure of how a query normally works. If this is Molly's story, which it seems to be, you need to open by introducing us to her, not Preston.
When Molly's mom suddenly dies, the idea of spending this summer -- like every summer before -- (you don't usually separate em-dashes with spaces) at Breaker Beach is impossible to imagine. Before she leaves, a margarita induced lapse in judgment causes her to lock lips with Preston; even though she's made it clear he's too young for her. Interesting. Her best friend Abi cautions that if she doesn’t call dibs on him soon, somebody else will. Then her summer crush Noah admits he loves her... like a friend,
This paragraph seems pretty good to me. I'm not a big reader of romance, so I'm not familiar with how much conflict is needed, or how it fits in a query, but this seems like plenty of intrigue to me.
When someone enters her in a vocal contest at the end of summer she decides to swallow her fears and compete in memory of her mom. What she doesn't count on is Abi and Preston flying in Flying? Is this a colorful action verb, or is she suddenly in some other place? together to surprise her before the show along with her dad and his new girlfriend. I'm not sure about all this. It feels kind of tacked-on. Is this contest a major part of the plot? If so, you might need to feature it more in the query.
Complete at 62,000 words, BREAKER is a contemporary romance for young adults that I believe will appeal to fans of Jenny Han, Sarah Ockler and Ann Brashares.
I've included the first five pages below.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Lori Clark
Okay, now to summarize. You've got the hard part down. This query is made up of great voice, and great writing. The problem is that I have very little sense of Molly's character, and worse, no sense of the plot, or what the main conflict really is.
Even in a Romance, even when there is a happy ending, there must be conflict. You do hint at some things. Molly wanting Preston but he's with Abi. Molly wanting Noah, but he's gay. Molly wanting to win the contest, but ... something. The thing is, though, most queries open with an inciting incident, and then get right to the high stakes conflict. There's nothing wrong with breaking the rules ... if it works.
If you were to re-write this, I would suggest opening with Molly's character. Give us a better sense of who she is, before you start with what happens to her. Then, you can introduce Preston, the beach, and the contest, assuming that's how those elements fit into the plot of the manuscript.
That's it.
What do you all think? Anything you disagree with? How might you re-write Lori's opening hook?
