Jessica Salyer's Current Query Critiqued

So ... it's Friday. The Friday before labor day. But I actually wrote this last night. Because I have a four day weekend! Please forgive my enthusiasm, but I'm pretty much a slave at work lately, so any reprieve is nice.

And now, here is Jessica's query, with my feedback, which this time, just to mix it up, will be in this blue.

The letter:

Dear Awesome Agent,

Emma Potter who? believes she’s an average seventeen-year-old girl until an uneventful road trip becomes anything but when a truck blows a tire and slides into her parent’s lane. Okay, so considering the fact that your first sentence may very well be your most important - this isn't bad, but it could be better. For one thing, I tell every query seeker the same thing: more character from before the story starts. That always helps. But also, I think this opening hook needs more of a gut-punch. We can infer the accident that's supposed to happen, but your next sentence kind of subverts that, and all the tension is let out of this query. A collision is inevitable, but the truck flies over the car, leaving it completely unscathed. So ... this is cool in the sense of describing a clearly powerful inciting incident, but I'm not so sure about how it's delivered. It's mostly passive voice, and even if it wasn't ... I think this final punch of your opening paragraph would be better served if it made it clearer that the truck evading the car was based on your character's power, because as it reads, it sounds somewhat random.

Within twenty-four hours, Emma is whisked onto a plane and shuttled halfway across the country to her new home, Potter Valley. She’s required to attend a high school for students with ‘special powers’ like hers, known as Guardians. Countless secrets are revealed, none more troublesome then than the prophecy, which dictates that once the three founding Guardian families are reunited, a war will break out. More importantly, the side Emma chooses will win. All right. I initially debated breaking this paragraph up, and inserting some in-line notes, but overall, I think this all suffers from the same main thing. It's lost the defiant YA voice that the first paragraph had. It's also a lot of passive sentence construction, as a reader pointed out yesterday, but more importantly, it lacks the main thing the second paragraph in a query needs: the main conflict. I mean the choice of Emma choosing a faction certainly has potential, but it's not that clear whether that is the true heart of the story. There's a prophecy, and there're these families, but what does it all mean?

Thrust into a world she didn’t know existed, the cause of a war she didn’t fully understand, how can Emma choose which side to fight for? And once the choice is made, how can she defend herself with a power she knows not how to wield, against those who have trained for this confrontation their whole lives. This is better, especially in the last sentence summary, but the beginning of this paragraph is especially vague. We have a vague concept of the "world," but the war, and Emma's understanding of it, are particularly mysterious. Can you elaborate at all on the sides? Why there is war, and why she cares? And, if at all possible, this choice is obviously implied, but if you can make it clearer what the consequences are, and why (or if) she chooses to fight for or against whichever side she does, it would help if the negative potential of her decision was clearer.

AWAKENED is a XX,XXX word YA Paranormal (BTW a "world she didn't know existed" CAN signify a fantasy or sci-fi book, but I think that was a metaphor-at-risk-of-being-a-cliche) novel manuscript complete at xx,xxx words with series potential. I’m an active member of SCBWI. The full manuscript of AWAKENED is available upon your on request. This is all nit picky crap, but don't go over board with this housekeeping stuff. Most agents don't care about this part, they care about the meat of the story, but a major gaffe in this section might scream - amateur.

Thank you for you time and consideration.

Jessica Salyer
http://www.JessicaSalyer.blogspot.com You should incorporate this link into the body of your email, and eliminate the HTML. If you don't know how, we can talk privately.

In summary - I know I cut it up, but I do think this query is good. It covers the basics, and may get past some agent's assistant screeners, but you really do want it to pop in order to stand out.

The hook, I think, is your strong point, even if it's not perfectly executed here. I mean a young girl, who suddenly has telekinesis, and yet still doesn't fit in at a school for those like her? That's an awesome premise, but it's not as highlighted as it can be in this query.

As the query (story) escalates from there, things get very vague, fast. We can, thankfully, infer some of the good stuff, but we do need to know more about exactly which sides are available to Emma, and why choosing one is so hard (more specifically, because we do have a hint of that).

That's it.

Thanks so much for reading, everyone. I actually have the day off, so I wrote this last night, and am now focusing on the writing work I need to do this weekend. Please share your thoughts in the comments, and otherwise, keep on keepin' on. Word up.

Jessica Salyer's Current Query

Morning, all you web warriors. We've got the query of a really cool lady up today: Jessica Salyer. Do you know Jessica? She's great. She runs a writing and pulbishing blog at Just Following a Dream, which, ahem, I happen to have been a guest poster at before.

Anyway, here's her query:

Dear Awesome Agent,

Emma Potter believes she’s an average seventeen-year-old girl until an uneventful road trip becomes anything but when a truck blows a tire and slides into her parent’s lane. A collision is inevitable, but the truck flies over the car, leaving it completely unscathed.

Within twenty-four hours, Emma is whisked onto a plane and shuttled halfway across the country to her new home, Potter Valley. She’s required to attend a high school for students with ‘special powers’ like hers, known as Guardians. Countless secrets are revealed, none more troublesome then the prophecy, which dictates that once the three founding Guardian families are reunited, a war will break out. More importantly, the side Emma chooses will win.

Thrust into a world she didn’t know existed, the cause of a war she didn’t fully understand, how can Emma choose which side to fight for? And once the choice is made, how can she defend herself with a power she knows not how to wield, against those who have trained for this confrontation their whole lives.

AWAKENED is a YA paranormal novel complete at xx,xxx words with series potential. I’m an active member of SCBWI. The full manuscript of AWAKENED is available upon your request.

Thank you for you time and consideration.

Jessica Salyer
http://www.JessicaSalyer.blogspot.com

That's it.

Thanks for your continued support, and happy long weekend (to me)!

2012 eFestival of Words

Happy Monday, friends. Some of my writer friends are involved in a most excellent promo, so I decided to share the details with you, below. Have at it.

Readers! Eight award winners in the 2012 eFestival of Words "Best of the Independent eBook Awards" have grouped together to offer you an amazing opportunity. They've reduced the prices of their award-winning novels to 99 cents for August 27 and 28th!

Whether you like to read mysteries, romance, horror, young adult, women's fiction, or fantasy, this group has it. Are you a writer yourself? Do you want to learn all about digitally publishing your next masterpiece? They've got you covered there too.

Get all eight award-winning ebooks for the price of one single paperback!

Award Winners

Best Mystery/Suspense: Dead is the New Black by Christine DeMaio-Rice

Best Non-Fiction: DIY/Self-Help: Let's Get Digital by David Gaughran

Best Horror: 61 A.D. by David McAfee

Best Romance: Deadly Obsession by Kristine Cayne

Best Young Adult: The Book of Lost Souls by Michelle Muto

Best Fantasy/Urban Fantasy and Best Novel: The Black God's War by Moses Siregar III

Best Chick Lit/Women's Lit: Carpe Bead'em by Tonya Kappes

Award for Best Twist ("I've Been Shyamalaned"): The Survival of Thomas Ford by John A.A. Logan

Here's a one-stop shopping link for your convenience: http://amzn.to/MO7qBY

Book Blurbs

Dead is the New Black by Christine DeMaio-Rice

Laura Carnegie gave up on the man of her dreams a long time ago. He's fashion designer Jeremy St. James, and not only is he her boss, everyone knows he's gay.

When the woman who holds the company purse strings is found dead in the office, and Jeremy's arrested for the murder, everything changes. If Laura can just solve this crime, keep the cops off her tail, break up a counterfeiting ring, and get the show on the runway by Friday, she might stop being Seventh Avenue's perpetual loser.

If you love Project Runway, or enjoyed The Devil Wears Prada, try Dead Is the New Black.

Let's Get Digital by David Gaughran

This guide contains over 60,000 words of essays, articles, and how-to guides, as well as contributions from 33 bestselling indie authors including J Carson Black, Bob Mayer, Victorine Lieske, Mark Edwards, and many more.

It covers everything from how the disruptive power of the internet has changed the publishing business forever to the opportunities this has created for writers. It gives you practical advice on editing, cover design, formatting, and pricing. And it reveals marketing tips from blogging and social networking right through to competitions, discounts, reviews, and giveaways.

If you are considering self-publishing, if you need to breathe life into your flagging sales, or if you want to understand why it's a great time to be a writer, Let's Get Digital: How To Self-Publish, And Why You Should will explain it all.

61 A.D. by David McAfee

61 A.D. For ten years, Taras has lived in the young city of Londinium, feeding off the city’s underbelly. But now Theron, his old enemy, has come looking for revenge, and Taras’ nights of living in relative peace are about to end.

Yet not even Theron can slip into town unnoticed, and the Council of Thirteen sends Ramah to deal with the two renegades once and for all. But unknown to the Council, a much older enemy is also in Londinium, and this time even the great Ramah might not be safe.


Set against the backdrop of the Iceni uprising in Roman-era Britannia, 61 A.D. continues the story of Taras, Theron, and Ramah, as they fight their way through history.

Deadly Obsession by Kristine Cayne

Nic Lamoureux's perfect movie star life is shattered by a stalker who threatens any woman close to him. When he meets photographer Lauren James, the attraction is instant--and mutual. She's exactly the sort of woman he craves, but the stalker makes deadly clear Lauren is the competition.

And the competition must be eliminated.

"Stock up on ice cubes because this is definitely one sizzling debut. Readers will be hooked from the first sentence- on the book and on Nic! As rich as a white chocolate cheesecake, Cayne's entrance into the suspense genre is invigorating, explosive and simply intoxicating." ~ RT Book Reviews Top Pick

The Book of Lost Souls by Michelle Muto

When teen witch Ivy MacTavish changes a lizard into her date for a Halloween dance, everything turns to chaos. And when no one is powerful enough to transform him back except Ivy, it sparks the rumor: Like father, like daughter. Worse, someone has used an evil spell book to bring back two of history's most nefarious killers.

Ivy's got a simple plan to set things right: find the real dark spell caster, steal the book, and reverse the spell. No problem! But first, she’ll have to deal with something more dangerous than murderous spirits: the school’s hotter-than-brimstone demon bad boy, Nick Marcelli. Demons are about as hard to handle as black magic, and Ivy soon discovers it’s going to take more than a lot of luck and a little charm if she wants to clear her status as a dark witch, get a warm-blooded boyfriend, and have her former date back to eating meal worms before the week’s end

The Black God's War by Moses Siregar III

Against the backdrop of epic warfare and the powers of ten mysterious gods, Lucia struggles to understand The Black One.

Her father-king wants war.

Her messianic brother wants peace.

The black god wants his due.

She suffers all the consequences.

"Moses is a fine writer deserving of success, and I think that it will follow ... I really enjoyed Moses's work." - David Farland, NYT Bestselling Author of The Runelords

Carpe Bead'em by Tonya Kappes

Hallie Mediate was raised by her (slightly) crazy Great Aunt Grace on the wrong side of the tracks in Cincinnati. Hallie escapes her hometown and never looks back.

That is, until she’s transferred back to the hometown. Not wanting her past to cross paths with her future, Hallie puts her life on hold.

Aunt Grace is still up to her old tricks, but Hallie finds some sanity at a local jewelry-making class where she uncovers a hidden talent for beading.

Will she keep searching for the happiness she may already have found?

The Survival of Thomas Ford by John A.A. Logan

Thomas Ford is the only survivor of the car crash which killed his wife. He is also the only witness who would be willing to identify the young, reckless driver who caused the crash. But the driver would sooner see Thomas Ford dead than ever let that happen.

Happy Reading!

Mary Holm's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday, bloggers. Here is Mary's query letter again, this time with my thoughts, in red.

The letter:

Dear Awesome Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Taela does what she has to survive, but she doesn’t think of herself as a murderer. Whoa. This is pretty cool. As first sentences go, this packs a lot of punch. I love how it not only shocks you, but actually also spins a good deal of character into your mind, in a unique way. When the sister she idolizes is executed for treason, Taela vows to avenge her death--even if it means killing the kingdom’s only hope for salvation. Hmm. This is also cool, but somewhat vague. It's probably okay though, since you clarify in the next two sentences. Some believe renegade leader Hawke is destined to save their land from an ancient evil. To Taela, the drunken ass who charmed her sister and left her to die is no hero. Hah! He sure doesn't sound like one. I like this, you've got a good sense of two characters, and while the inciting incident is pretty clear, and there are a few options for conflict, they all seem like they would make for an interesting, high stakes story.

With the element of surprise on her side, Taela sets out after the seasoned warrior, determined to thrust her dagger into his heart. The road to revenge leads her to the mysterious Darkling Forest where, lost among shape-shifting trees, Taela has disturbing prophetic visions. Of what? Does she predict this next part? When a soldier with no soul attacks, she learns innocent men are being turned into drone soldiers for the king’s army. I like this, as a concept, but does she really learn all this from just the one soldier? It would seem she might need to discover some more evidence of a widespread conspiracy, first. She puts her vendetta aside to make a truce with Hawke. Had she caught up with him? Their fragile alliance will be put to the test when Taela discovers the truth about her sister’s death, and it forever ties Taela’s destiny to the very man she wants to destroy. Nice. Choice not explicitly explained, but it's implied.

DARKLING is a YA Fantasy novel, with series potential, complete at 72,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Kristin Cashore or Leigh Bardugo. You saw Sarah's comment yesterday, I'm sure.

I'm an active member of SCBWI and blog about writing at Tales from the Darkling Forest, you know how to make a hyperlink, right? http://darklingforest.blogspot.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Mary Holm

Okay, in summary - this is already very good. You've got a good sense of two characters, and a clear cut difficult choice for Taela too make about revenge versus what is right.

It couldn't hurt to have a slightly better sense of Taela's character before her story begins, and the line about being a murderer (or not) loses some of its punch when the rest of the query never actually mentions her killing anyone except for maybe one drone soldier, but it's still a great opening hook, and is probably good enough to work as is.

Your second paragraph, the main conflict paragraph, is pretty good. It did leave me with a few questions about specificity, but this is only a query, and you don't necessarily need to include every detail. If anything, I think the one thing to clarify is how she catches Hawke, and whether he was aware of her pursuit - or desire for revenge.

Anyway, I might be losing my touch, but I really couldn't find anything fundamentally wrong with this query. We'll see what my readers think.

That's it.

So, what do you all think? Does any of the slight vagueness bother you more than me? Or less? Please leave your feedback for Mary in the comments, and if you have time, I've posted over at Project Mayhem today as well.

Mary Holm's Current Query

So, blogging. Yeah. I'm not even sure what to say. I used to be the most awesome blogger, I swear. I could link you to posts of mine that would bust your gut, and others that might burst your heart. But lately ... I'll have more to say about it soon, I promise.

For now, I've got Mary's query. I know, I didn't have to write it that way, but I couldn't help myself. Sometimes a rhyme is the perfect pill for the mind.

So, back to somewhat responsible blogging, Mary Holm has a blog at Tales From the Darkling Forest (ever heard a better blog title?). So go visit it, follow that sucka, and come on back.

Now, before I implode into a dark, anti-matter molecule of suck, here is something that makes sense:

Dear Awesome Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Taela does what she has to survive, but she doesn’t think of herself as a murderer. When the sister she idolizes is executed for treason, Taela vows to avenge her death--even if it means killing the kingdom’s only hope for salvation. Some believe renegade leader Hawke is destined to save their land from an ancient evil. To Taela, the drunken ass who charmed her sister and left her to die is no hero.

With the element of surprise on her side, Taela sets out after the seasoned warrior, determined to thrust her dagger into his heart. The road to revenge leads her to the mysterious Darkling Forest where, lost among shape-shifting trees, Taela has disturbing prophetic visions. When a soldier with no soul attacks, she learns innocent men are being turned into drone soldiers for the king’s army. She puts her vendetta aside to make a truce with Hawke. Their fragile alliance will be put to the test when Taela discovers the truth about her sister’s death, and it forever ties Taela’s destiny to the very man she wants to destroy.

DARKLING is a YA Fantasy novel, with series potential, complete at 72,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Kristin Cashore or Leigh Bardugo.

I'm an active member of SCBWI and blog about writing at Tales from the Darkling Forest, http://darklingforest.blogspot.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Mary Holm

That's it.

I'm a mess, I know. I'm doing everything I can to maintain, but I'm hoping that you all will stick by me, or, at least the seven commenters who still manage to come here when I post.

Otherwise, please thank Mary for her courage, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

Tamara Walsh's Current Query Critiqued

Happy Friday, people. I'm getting started late today, because the UK has been blowing my phone up for two hours now. Anyway, here is Tamara's query, this time with my thoughts, in red.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

Luc’s childhood is destroyed the night his best friend, Auri, falls through a rip in the fabric of Trillua and disappears into a parallel world—ours world. Hmm. This is an unconventional opening, but I kind of like it. If you could just preface this sentence with Luc's age, and maybe one adjective that describes his personality, I think you'd be in great shape. Luc soon discovers he’s still connected to Auri through his dreams. This is a cool concept, but somehow it feels like there should be a cooler way to present this. Maybe skip this line and reword the next to include the concept? In them he watches her grow from a lost, lonely child into a beautiful sixteen year old girl who doesn’t trust anyone. When the leaders of Trillua discover a way to travel to Earth, Luc risks banishment from the home and family he loves to hijack a spot on their Mission and rescue Auri. But when he arrives, Auri doesn't remember Luc or Trillua. She’s built a new life for herself--one that includes a baby foster brother and sister she's determined to take care of. Okay. I know from talking to you that this is a dual POV story, and I get that that makes for a tough query. But I know you've decided to focus on Luc, even if it's a tough choice, because neither character is really dominant. So, that being said, I think you can skip this last sentence about Auri. I know it's important to the story, but it's kind of muddying up the query right now.

Luc has one month before the Portal back home closes again--one month to convince Auri she belongs with him. But as the clock ticks down, the leaders of Trillua realize that Luc's proximity to Auri has somehow made him faster, stronger and almost invulnerable to pain or injury. Luc's unheard of powers are too much like magic--something punishable by death in his world. The leaders demand he immediately Portal home to be examined as a potential danger to Trillua. Forcing Auri to travel before she accepts the truth of her forgotten past could destroy her mind, but the leaders have threatened to exile Luc's family into the treacherous Outerlands if he doesn't return. Now Luc must choose. Abandon the girl he was born to love, or save the family who’s depending on him for their survival?

I don't know. My readers may disagree, and maybe I'm tired, or confused, but I can't find much wrong with this second paragraph. It's maybe a little long, and the writing is maybe a little wordy in places, but as far as query related content goes, you've covered the bases most excellently here, I think. I mean you've got a clear sense of conflict, and this tough choice summarized so well at the end is one of the best I've ever seen. I guess some plots are just made for queries.

The World Next Door THE WORLD NEXT DOOR is a YA light sci-fi romance with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I believe it would appeal to fans of Alyson Noel’s Immortal Immortal series. If you're going to use comparisons, I recommend trying to word them a little more subtly. I can't think of an example, but maybe if you mention something specific about the style of the Immortal series ... I think it sounds better when you do it that way. Read my successful query examples (link), and I'm sure you'll find one that does it that way.

I’ve written twenty-five articles for the local paper, the GA Harbor Sound (The GA Harbor Sound) and been published in Woman's World Magazine Woman’s World Magazine. Thanks for your time and consideration! I look forward to hearing back from you.

Just a quick note: in query letter's WORKING TITLES of unpublished manuscripts are written in ALL CAPS. Title of Published Works (articles, short stories, novels, and the names of the publications, magazines, or papers they were published in) should be Italicized.

Sincerely,

Tamara Walsh

Okay, a quick summary, because it's now 9 AM, and I need to get this posted: I think this query is already in great shape. If you can open with a stronger sense of character, clarify a couple things about the inciting incident, and then reword your housekeeping paragraph at the end ever so slightly, I think you'd be cruising along nicely.

That's it.

What do you all think? Anything I've said you disagree with? Please share your feedback in the comments.

Tamara Walsh's Current Query

Today we have Tamara's query for her manuscript THE WORLD NEXT DOOR.

Here's the letter:

Dear Agent,

Luc’s childhood is destroyed the night his best friend, Auri, falls through a rip in the fabric of Trillua and disappears into a parallel world—our world. Luc soon discovers he’s still connected to Auri through his dreams. In them he watches her grow from a lost, lonely child into a beautiful sixteen year old girl who doesn’t trust anyone. When the leaders of Trillua discover a way to travel to Earth, Luc risks banishment from the home and family he loves to hijack a spot on their Mission and rescue Auri. But Auri doesn't remember Luc or Trillua. She’s built a new life for herself--one that includes a baby foster brother and sister she's determined to take care of.

Luc has one month before the Portal back home closes again--one month to convince Auri she belongs with him. But as the clock ticks down, the leaders of Trillua realize that Luc's proximity to Auri has somehow made him faster, stronger and almost invulnerable to pain or injury. Luc's unheard of powers are too much like magic--something punishable by death in his world. The leaders demand he immediately Portal home to be examined as a potential danger to Trillua. Forcing Auri to travel before she accepts the truth of her forgotten past could destroy her mind, but the leaders have threatened to exile Luc's family into the treacherous Outerlands if he doesn't return. Now Luc must choose. Abandon the girl he was born to love, or save the family who’s depending on him for their survival?

The World Next Door is a YA light sci-fi romance with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. I believe it would appeal to fans of Alyson Noel’s Immortal series.

I’ve written twenty-five articles for the local paper (The GA Harbor Sound) and been published in Woman’s World Magazine. Thanks for your time and consideration! I look forward to hearing back from you.

Sincerely,

Tamara Walsh

That's it.

Please thank Tamara for sharing this with us, and save your feedback for tomorrow. Thanks!

Write On Con 2012

2012 Suckas

Okay. I've kind of been dreading doing this post for a while now. Some of you who know me well have heard my bitching. I know, I'm sorry, I've been really whiny lately, but I've been sick. That's no excuse? Fair enough.

So what have I been crying about? Well, I've been attending Write On Con for three years. Three. Years. I've had some great successes in the past. Winning a query contest, earning a full request based on my first 250. So you might wonder what's getting me down.

Well, I've been attending Write On Con for so long, and blogging about publishing and query letters, and writing, and all that for so long now, the Con kind of just serves as a reminder of everything I haven't accomplished. I have plenty of friends who got on to the writing/publishing corner of the internet a lot later than me, and already have books published. I'm not jealous, I swear, I love my friend's success, I'm just ... tired. I'm tired of working so hard for my dreams, and having so little to show for it.

But you know what? My friends, my dear, close writing confidants, are right. I've learned so much, and come so far, it isn't right to be so hard on myself. There are plenty of reasons to be excited. I've had more than five agents read my full manuscript, and not one of them called me a hack. I've had published authors read my work, and both compliment my writing and spend their own precious time giving me invaluable advice. I've made friendships--nay, partnerships--that will last a life's age (that's Tolkien for lifetime, deal with it). I've finished (nearly) two epic manuscripts, and started two others. I've met, IRL no less, some of my very favorite authors.

So I need to keep my chin up, keep my eyes on the path in front of me, and quit doubting myself. After working a query tomorrow and Friday, I'll be going back on hiatus, but I do really appreciate all of your support.

If you'd like to read more, you can find the first five pages of WARRIOR-MONKS (which I've never put online before): here (the formatting is shite, due to being in a forum, so please bear with me).

The first 250 words are here, but you will have already seen them if you read that first post.

I'm also taking part in a sort of query workshop with my query, here, even though the older version has actually garnered a pretty good deal of success in the past, just because I want to be an active part of the Con, because helping other writers really is a passion of mine.

I also wrote a brief tutorial if you need help coding your signature, here.

BTW, if you read these posts, please comment, and rate the posts, because that will help more people see them, which will help me get more feedback.

Other than that, you should really participate in Write On Con. Even if you don't need the help, others do. I know plenty of published authors who frequent the forums because they love to pay it forward as much as I do.

YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME.

I love and need you all like Oxygen (this is stolen from Bethany-with love and jade), dear friends and readers, and I promise to keep chasing my dreams if you will.

Solidarity, beaches.

A Guest Post for Unicorn Bell

So I'm technically still on hiatus (getting loads done, thank you very much), but I did write a guest post for Unicorn Bell for their series this week. Please go check it out, if you have time. Thanks!

Mark Rubinkowski's Current Query Critiqued

Sorry that post went up so late yesterday. I stayed home sick from work. Ugh. I'm still not feeling that well. So if you're waiting on email from me ... that's probably why. Anyway, let's get to work. My feedback will be in red.

Here's Mark's query:

Super heroes used to exist. They protected society from the threats of super villains and mad scientists. People used to look to them for safety. One day, seventeen years ago, everything changed. The heroes accused the rest of the world of being lazy and deemed it undeserving of their protection. This has some cool things going for it, but I would suggest that this is essentially synopsis territory, and you want to hook us with something better. Something we can feel. Usually, a character.

Sixteen-year-old Mark Novak lives in Springfield, Illinois, which is run by an demented man. Like this. I like how you open with Mark's age, which is important for a YA novel (Mark doesn't include his housekeeping in this query, but I know it's YA from WriteOnCon). However, you could still stand to tell us more about who Mark is - try to think, what kind of person was he before this story started? And also, I would suggest you don't give your protagonist the same first name as you. It hints at author insertion. He is an ordinary boy whose favorite class in school is History of the Superhero this is where you might sprinkle in some of the info from your first paragraph. After you introduce us to your character, then you can introduce us to your world. And a world where superheroes used to exist sounds like a pretty cool one. and has a huge crush on a new girl. The option for romance in a YA novel is always a good one, but you don't want to introduce things from left field like this. Try to make sure things progress logically from one to another. So after mentioning the class, you can mention why such a class exists, thus building your world. One walk into the woods with his friends changes his destiny forever.

Mark and his friends start to develop powers after a chance encounter with a hidden base in the forest. Even though they barely understand what is happening, they will be forced to face down threats from science gone horribly wrong and the consequences a few acts of standing up for ones self can cause. This isn't bad, but it gets muddied by over-wordiness, especially near the end. Try to me more concise. Along the way, they begin to uncover the answers behind the disappearance of the heroes and that they may not be the heroes everyone thought they would be. Mark and his friends are faced with a choice. Use their powers and save their failing city or standby and let things take their natural course. This isn't bad either, but you need to raise the stakes. Right now, it seems like an easy choice. You need to make it clearer why letting things take their natural choice might actually be a viable option.

Okay, to summarize - I get the feeling this is an early draft, and if so, that's good. Queries are hard to write, and this is in much better shape than probably the first hundred drafts I ever wrote.

That being said, you need to focus your writing. Try to be as concise as possible, and try to make sure that things progress logically from one to another. For example, mentioning the crush right after the class, and then never coming back to it, doesn't make much sense. If the crush doesn't become some kind of romance in the manuscript, it might not be worth mentioning in the query.

Other than that, always try to be as specific as possible. You've got some cool sounding things going on here, but they're also pretty vague.

That's it.

What you you all think? Spending any time in the WriteOnCon forums?

Mark Rubinkowski's Current Query

Today I have something new and different. Well, not really that different, I mean it's another query, but Mark is a guy I met in the Forums at WriteOnCon, and he's pretty new to blogging and writing. He has a blog, which you should follow, called Living in the Middle of Nowhere, but it's new, so there isn't much content yet.

Here's his query:

Super heroes used to exist. They protected society from the threats of super villains and mad scientists. People used to look to them for safety. One day, seventeen years ago, everything changed. The heroes accused the rest of the world of being lazy and deemed it undeserving of their protection.

Sixteen-year-old Mark Novak lives in Springfield,Illinois, which is run by an demented man. He is an ordinary boy whose favorite class in school is History of the Superhero and has a huge crush on a new girl. One walk into the woods with his friends changes his destiny forever.

Mark and his friends start to develop powers after a chance encounter with a hidden base in the forest. Even though they barely understand what is happening, they will be forced to face down threats from science gone horribly wrong and the consequences a few acts of standing up for ones self can cause. Along the way, they begin to uncover the answers behind the disappearance of the heroes and that they may not be the heroes everyone thought they would be. Mark and his friends are faced with a choice. Use their powers and save their failing city or standby and let things take their natural course.

That's it.

Please save your feedback for tomorrow, and thank Mark for his courage.

The Kindness Project: Giving

Too often kindness is relegated to a random act performed only when we’re feeling good. But an even greater kindness (to ourselves and others) occurs when we reach out even when we aren't feeling entirely whole . It’s not easy, and no one is perfect. But we’ve decided it’s not impossible to brighten the world one smile, one kind word, one blog post at a time. To that end, a few of us writers have established The Kindness Project, starting with a series of inspirational posts.

Today I just want to highlight something I heard about on the radio. I know, it's kind of a cop-out in comparison to some of the other Kindness Project posts I've done, but I've been slammed at work lately, and even being on a hiatus from blogging hasn't helped much.

So anyway, I was listening to NPR on the way in this morning, as I am wont to do, and I heard this story, about literary giant Larry McMurtry, author of Terms of Endearment and Lonesome Dove, among others, who is holding an auction for 300,000 rare and used books.

His bookstore, Booked Up, is apparently a sprawling operation that takes up four buildings in his tiny town of Archer City, Texas. It's home to around half a million books, the majority of which will soon be going up for auction. In the interview, he said that he was concerned about his legacy, but wanted to unload some of the books because his son and his grandson are not book people.

This got me thinking about family, legacies, and giving. My dad died four years ago this October, and when my sisters and I went through his house, there was a lot of stuff to decide about. A lot of paintings, a lot of records, and a lot of books. Not nearly as many as Mr. McMurtry, of course, but a lot. We still have not had time to go through it all.

He died suddenly, and while he did have a will, it didn't specify what he wanted done with any particular items, so we've put most of it in storage until we have time to decide what to do with it. Someday I hope to have time to decide what I want to keep, and what I can give away, assuming someone somewhere wants it.

When I first heard about this auction, I was saddened and amazed (he's not giving the books away for free or anything, but still), but then I remembered my dad's stuff, and recalled what a burden it can be.

I don't know if I really have a point, but you should check out that story, it's pretty interesting. And here are the rest of today's Kindness Project posts:

This is a Test

Not really. I just thought it would be really cheesy if I titled this post that way, because I'm writing about This is Not a Test, over at YA Confidential today. Please stop by and give it a read.

Other than that, I'm loving the Olympics. I'm pretty sentimental, so I always enjoy that kind of thing. That being said, the best thing on television is The Newsroom. If you missed last night's episode ... wow.

Summer Frey's Current Query Critiqued

Okay, work has finally calmed down long enough for me to catch my breath. Here we have Summer's query, this time with my feedback, in red.

Let's get right to work:

Dear Agent,

Ellery Benedek knows three things: Like Ellery Queen? I like it.

1) How to piss off her mother.
2) How to trainwreck a career.
3) How to get out of prison.

I like this. For one, it breaks the rules, and works. That's hard to do, and it makes your query stand out. Now, there are a couple points I think you can improve on. This being an adult novel, Ellery's age is not necessarily critical, but it might help to know whether she is 25, or 40. Also, isn't it her own career that she train-wrecked? It might be worth pointing out it wasn't someone else's. Finally, doesn't everyone know how to get out of prison? As in, you do your time, you don't cause any trouble, and as long as you didn't get sentenced to life, eventually you get released or paroled, right? Or did you mean escape from prison? If you're only pointing it out because she did time (and that is some great characterization), maybe you should reword it to focus on the fact that she served at all, rather than focusing on her eventual release.

The first she comes by honestly, just another dysfunctional mother-daughter pair in a line of Siren women butting heads since the dawn of man. The second is a direct by-product of that dysfunctional relationship: when her mother made a deal with a devil, she got Ellery in return. This is vague. If it's a convoluted (but awesome) backstory, then maybe you don't have room to explain. However, the way it is written here, doesn't make sense. In the first sentence, you mention the mother-daughter pair, then in this sentence, it kind of sounds like Ellery's mom doesn't have her as a daughter until she makes this deal with the devil. And when that deal results with Ellery compelled to rip the heart from a patient’s chest, Ellery finds herself sentenced to rot in the belly of Castigo, a prison hidden from humankind where Hallow deviants are sent to die. I would love to know why Ellery feels compelled to do this, but this inciting incident is basically so bad-ass I don't really care.

After some not-so-divine intervention from Daddy Dearest, this is vague. Does he break her out of prison? Intervene politically to get her released? Try to be as specific as you can, as long as you can keep it clear and concise. ex-doctor and now ex-con Ellery is completely unemployable, but desperate for a break in the hellish monotony of freedom. Enter Roman Vassilikos, a shady P.I. in need of Ellery’s questionable morals and ability to bend any will to her own. Hallow women gone missing are turning up dead, maimed and dumped for the humans to find. Desperate to keep this hunt for the Hallow(s?) off her resume of failure, Ellery plows headlong in a darkening web of conspiracy, dominion, and the potential genocide of all Hallow women. As her investigation begins to reveal familiar faces in all the wrong places, Ellery realizes that she may not be the only Siren singing up shit creek. With the path to revelation growing narrower by the hour, Ellery will have to decide what price she’s willing to pay for the truth: life, or a life worth living. These last 4 or 5 sentences are some of the best query CONFLICT and CHOICE I've ever read. Don't change a thing in this part.

ALL THAT REMAINS is a 92,000 word urban fantasy set in the rural backwoods of coastal Georgia. I love that this Urban Fantasy takes place in the backwoods. Because Urban is part of the genre name, and it doesn't always literally have to be in a major city. Anyway, I just think it makes for a cool play on words.

Okay, so to summarize: I think this query is already very good. The way you end it in particular stands out and shines. Also, you've got excellent voice throughout, without being afraid to poke a little fun at yourself, or the style of this kind of story.

Like I said, don't touch the last four of five sentences. The thing with Dad breaking her out could be clearer, but I don't think it's a deal breaker, and if it would be too hard to explain in a query (meaning: need too many words), I think you'd be okay leaving it as is. The thing with mom and the deal with the devil, I really do think you need to clarify. I hope you can find a way to briefly make it clearer specifically what you mean.

Nicole? Sarah? Who's read this? Can anyone suggest something here?

Finally, I like the way you opened this. It reminds me a bit of one of the best rule breaking queries I've ever seen (Josin L. McQuien's at Query Shark - link). That being said, I think you should clarify point 2) and sharpen up point 3) a little. It's already pretty cool as is, but just another word here or there could make it pack even more punch.

Ellery's age - I don't think it would hurt to mention it, but this being adult Urban Fantasy, I think it's fine if you leave it out.

That's it.

What do you all think? Disagree with anything? See anything I missed? Please share your feedback in the comments, and have a great weekend!

Summer Frey's Current Query

Yes, I'm still technically on hiatus, but Summer is a friend, and she's getting ready to query, so when she asked me to take a look, I couldn't possibly say no. So I'm putting her query up today, and will be critiquing it tomorrow, because while I could have done it privately, I always think hearing from multiple people is much more helpful.

Now, you all remember the rules, right? If you don't know Summer, go visit her blog, become a follower, and come back here.

Ready?

Here's her query:

Dear Agent,

Ellery Benedek knows three things:

1) How to piss off her mother.
2) How to trainwreck a career.
3) How to get out of prison.

The first she comes by honestly, just another dysfunctional mother-daughter pair in a line of Siren women butting heads since the dawn of man. The second is a direct by-product of that dysfunctional relationship: when her mother made a deal with a devil, she got Ellery in return. And when that deal results with Ellery compelled to rip the heart from a patient’s chest, Ellery finds herself sentenced to rot in the belly of Castigo, a prison hidden from humankind where Hallow deviants are sent to die.

After some not-so-divine intervention from Daddy Dearest, ex-doctor and now ex-con Ellery is completely unemployable, but desperate for a break in the hellish monotony of freedom. Enter Roman Vassilikos, a shady P.I. in need of Ellery’s questionable morals and ability to bend any will to her own. Hallow women gone missing are turning up dead, maimed and dumped for the humans to find. Desperate to keep this hunt for the Hallow off her resume of failure, Ellery plows headlong in a darkening web of conspiracy, dominion, and the potential genocide of all Hallow women. As her investigation begins to reveal familiar faces in all the wrong places, Ellery realizes that she may not be the only Siren singing up shit creek. With the path to revelation growing narrower by the hour, Ellery will have to decide what price she’s willing to pay for the truth: life, or a life worth living.

ALL THAT REMAINS is a 92,000 word urban fantasy set in the rural backwoods of coastal Georgia.

That's it.

Okay. Please remember to save your feedback for tomorrow, make sure you followed Summer's blog, and then thank her in the comments for sharing this with us. Oh, and come back tomorrow for all the red.