The letter:
Dear Awesome Agent,
Seventeen-year-old Taela does what she has to survive, but she doesn’t think of herself as a murderer. Whoa. This is pretty cool. As first sentences go, this packs a lot of punch. I love how it not only shocks you, but actually also spins a good deal of character into your mind, in a unique way. When the sister she idolizes is executed for treason, Taela vows to avenge her death--even if it means killing the kingdom’s only hope for salvation. Hmm. This is also cool, but somewhat vague. It's probably okay though, since you clarify in the next two sentences. Some believe renegade leader Hawke is destined to save their land from an ancient evil. To Taela, the drunken ass who charmed her sister and left her to die is no hero. Hah! He sure doesn't sound like one. I like this, you've got a good sense of two characters, and while the inciting incident is pretty clear, and there are a few options for conflict, they all seem like they would make for an interesting, high stakes story.
With the element of surprise on her side, Taela sets out after the seasoned warrior, determined to thrust her dagger into his heart. The road to revenge leads her to the mysterious Darkling Forest where, lost among shape-shifting trees, Taela has disturbing prophetic visions. Of what? Does she predict this next part? When a soldier with no soul attacks, she learns innocent men are being turned into drone soldiers for the king’s army. I like this, as a concept, but does she really learn all this from just the one soldier? It would seem she might need to discover some more evidence of a widespread conspiracy, first. She puts her vendetta aside to make a truce with Hawke. Had she caught up with him? Their fragile alliance will be put to the test when Taela discovers the truth about her sister’s death, and it forever ties Taela’s destiny to the very man she wants to destroy. Nice. Choice not explicitly explained, but it's implied.
DARKLING is a YA Fantasy novel, with series potential, complete at 72,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Kristin Cashore or Leigh Bardugo. You saw Sarah's comment yesterday, I'm sure.
I'm an active member of SCBWI and blog about writing at Tales from the Darkling Forest, you know how to make a hyperlink, right?
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Mary Holm
Okay, in summary - this is already very good. You've got a good sense of two characters, and a clear cut difficult choice for Taela too make about revenge versus what is right.
It couldn't hurt to have a slightly better sense of Taela's character before her story begins, and the line about being a murderer (or not) loses some of its punch when the rest of the query never actually mentions her killing anyone except for maybe one drone soldier, but it's still a great opening hook, and is probably good enough to work as is.
Your second paragraph, the main conflict paragraph, is pretty good. It did leave me with a few questions about specificity, but this is only a query, and you don't necessarily need to include every detail. If anything, I think the one thing to clarify is how she catches Hawke, and whether he was aware of her pursuit - or desire for revenge.
That's it.
So, what do you all think? Does any of the slight vagueness bother you more than me? Or less? Please leave your feedback for Mary in the comments, and if you have time, I've posted over at Project Mayhem today as well.
