Now, let's get to work. Tara's query will remain in plain text, and my feedback will be in red.
The query:
Dear [Agent name]:
[Personalize with reason I chose this agent.]
Seventeen-year-old Lily never thought falling for her best friend and learning the truth of her origins would make her want to die.
Be careful with your pronouns. The way this is written it sounds like Lily's best friend is female, when we realize in a moment, you mean Caden. I would also like to know a bit more about Lily. You give us some characterization in the next paragraph, but another word or two when you first introduce her could also help. If you can clear up the part about her best friend, this isn't bad as hooks go.
Once Lily was a lame teen, I kind of like the word lame, because I think it's shows voice, but I'm also not sure it's strong enough. You might want to get more specific. Other than holding on to these two beliefs, how was she lame? who held tight to two beliefs: She's different and probably destined to become crazy, like her father. It doesn't matter, watch your tense she's got Caden—her eccentric, mythology obsessed BF—who makes everything better. Does BF mean best friend, or boyfriend? Is this something everyone knows, and I'm just out of touch? You probably want to get more specific with all of this. So far, this is all backstory. There's nothing wrong with including a bit of it, but you want to integrate into the query better, and with more specificity. What happened to her dad? Why would she be so worried about ending up like him, other than ending up crazy?
Now she knows knows or discovers? Has she always known or was it a recent revelation? she's part goddess with healing powers that are as defective as her unruly hair. I kind of like this. Fays are real, soul-bearers charged to maintain the balance of life and death on earth. Caden is one, and there's a prophecy that links her fate to him. I think you could reword all of this into one sentence. This, combined with the new electrifying pull she feels toward Caden has Lily grappling with indecision, insecurities, and a seriously over active pulse. At this point we would normally want to have a better sense of what the conflict is. Right now, all we have is Lily's indecision regarding Caden, which is a nice bit of choice, but we don't really know what the main plot related conflict is.
Worse, the King of Death wants Lily's powers and won't stop until they're under his control. With death-fays after her, she must put her life in Caden's hands. Soon Lily is in his arms, where she feels both safe and vulnerable—until secrets about Caden's past set forth tragic events that force Lily to choose death over life. But fortunately for Lily nothing ever goes as planned. This is pretty good. You give us some conflict, insert a tough choice about Caden and trusting him, and up the stakes with being pursued by death-fays (which sounds a lot like death-ray, but I kind of like that). If you could go through the rest of your query, and make it as specific and concise as this last paragraph, I think you'd be in good shape.
FAYTED EXISTENCE, a YA paranormal novel, I think you need one more word here. Is it not a paranormal romance? complete at 87,000 words loosely mixes reaper what's that? Like the grim-reaper? and Welsh fay mythology. It's character-driven plot with a focus on mystery, secrets, and romance will appeal to crossover fans of Becca Fitzpatrick's Hush, Hush saga, and Sophia Taylor's Firelight series. I see that you expand on the genre a bit here, and that's good, but I still think you should include one more word above. If it's more mystery, add that, if it's more romance, put that in there. And as someone pointed out on Tuesday, Sophie Jordan wrote Firelight. I can't find any authors named Sophia Taylor. Make sure you double check your info when making comparisons.
I am a member of SCWBI, She Writes, and YAlitChat. I work with Lynnette Struble, a professional editor affiliated with Wild Rose Press and Harcourt School Publishing. What does this mean? You work with her? How, has she read and edited the manuscript? Do you do professional slush reading for her? I think you need to be specific about exactly what this means.
Okay. Let's try to summarize. The initial thing I think this query is missing is a sense of character. Other than a bit of backstory and one sentence about being lame, we really don't know what kind of person Lily is. We know what happens to her, but we don't know who she is. Try to convey what kind of person this story is about, and make it clear why we should care about her.
The second biggest problem is the lack of specificity. We have a lot of vague notions of what happens, and who has powers, but we really don't know what they can do, or how or when they discovered it. Or how or why her dad went crazy, and what happened to him as a result.
My final issue is that we don't really know that much about the plot. The King of Death send his Fay after Lily and Caden, but what exactly do they do? Do they run? Where? Do they fight back? How? Are there any allies they can turn to? We don't have to know all of this, just enough to entice us to read the pages, and to have a slightly better sense of what happens (plot) in the book.
Now, it's not all bad. As we discussed the other day, this market is probably a bit saturated, and a book like this might be a hard sell, but it's clear to me you've got a unique premise with an interesting twist and mash-up on traditional mythology. I think if you can make it clear in your query that your characters are as unique as your premise, you'd be in really good shape.
The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your precious time and consideration. Have a fabulous day.
Sincerely,
Tara Gallina
That's it!
What do you guys think? Is there anything I missed? Anything you disagree with? Can anyone try to write a better hook for Tara?
33 opinions that matter:
I think you nailed it. She needs to get to the meat of the story much faster.
It seems like this query has a lot of fantastic pieces and elements, but I think Matt's comments about plot are dead on. To me, this query is talking about the story, rather than showing the story. I don't really know anything specific that happens in the story. I know about it... that Death is looking to grab her weird and dysfunctional healing powers (which is bloody cool). But this is only an abstract understanding. I don't know anything that actually happens, or what it means when Death comes after her. There are no actual events to picture so that I can see the story.
I tend to think of a query as being a little like a bit of flash fiction. I should understand the character, the hook, and I should get a sense of the movment of the story as the action rises toward a climax (inlcuding the complications/conflict and the character's major choice/choices).
I think we have all these great pieces here, but we're standing really far away from them. WE're not inside the story, but sort of hearing about it third hand.
Anyway, that's my take. I think this query will rock once we get more of a feel for the actual story.
Yes the first sentence and the gender of Caden are what stood out for me. I did think it was the best friend who was learning the truth of her origins rather then Lily. I was surprised to discover Caden was male! Up to that point I seriously thought Caden was a she and I thought - this is so different and wonderful - Lily and Caden - alas no! :-)
I like the story though - lots of magic and myth and Lily sounds like a real complex character.
Take care
x
If I EVER get to a point in my life where I need a query letter I'm coming here. Matthew, your suggestions were great, and Bryan's comments added to them. I never though of it as using a query to put the reader into the story. I'll carry that gem with me forever.
Yup, that first sentence was confusing to me also. I can't add a thing to your critique, Matt. You're good.
I hope everything is ok there Matthew.
And thanks to you and Tara. I think you do have to be careful with abbreviations like BF or whatever. Most folks get it, but someone from another perspective may take it in another unexpected direction.
Glad to hear things are okay there.
Tara, once again, thank you for putting your query out for us. The initial Lily sentence confused me also. And, I've heard it's dangerous waters to compare your work with what's already there.
Thorough critique, Matthew. I'm one step closer to getting mine started.
Wow, you rock! All of you. I refer to queries as my nemesis, the force of evil in my life. lol! I knew the query needed a lot of work but really had no idea of how to fix it. Matt your advice was new, fresh, insightful, and, I think, dead on. I'm going to rework the entire thing--for the umpteenth time--
and see if I can't get it right. If you all would be wiling to have a go at my next attempt I'd be utterly grateful. Thanks again, Tara :-)
Great crit,as usual, Matt. Needs tightening. Also, just an FYI for Tara and whoever else that may want to know... prophecies scream cliche and may turn off the agent by mentioning it in the query. I learned this the hard way and was disappointed to learn it since my last story had a prophecy as well.
Matt, I don't know how many queries you keep in your queue, but I also want to send my query for analysis. :)
spot on as usual. The hook was a big problem for me, and though hooks are awesome if you can get them to work, sometimes it's just better to cut them out all together.
Also, i'm fairly certain YA Paranormal is a genre and doesn't need another tag. Paranormal focuses more on the paranomal side of things where pranormal romance has more of a focus on the relationship, if that makes sense.
As for the query, i really feel if there was more specificity, it would really help tighten it.
Also, you can try writing the query in 1st POV from the character, than change it to 3rd. That usually helps with character voice.
Wow, I think your advice is spot on, Matt. More about the characters without backstory and more specificity will definitely give this query more punch.
I think you've got it. Wow, I think I am going to use your advise to try to review my own query letter. It seems to be lacking...something. Also just random bit I think your a great person and friend to give advice out like this.
Very precise and easy-to-follow critique, as always. I would like to point out that right after your question about grim-reaper there is "It's" which actually should be "Its".
That first sentence got me, too.
Good, direct questions for Tara to consider when she rewrites.
Yet, it does beg the question, Matt. A lot of the stuff you'd like to know more about (like her dad) is all backstory. How do we find the balance between telling enough without telling too much?
Thank you Matt and Tara for doing this. I have to admit, I didn't notice the pronoun thing at the beginning, but I see it now. I did wonder about the bf thing though.
This is so helpful! Thanks again you two!
This might sound like I'm nit-picking, but I don't like the word "lame" at all.
In spoken vernacular, it makes sense, but written without context as it is in the query, it can be taken literally. I was at least half wondering if her one leg was shorter than the other or something...
Wonderful critique, as usual. Your word suggestions really do make a lot of difference, pending on what the author was intending.
Glad to hear everything is okay.
I love all your insights and ability to find the little things that need correcting.
I really like Tara's story and didn't mind the first sentence with Matt's suggestion. I think if you could tighten and condense paragraphs 2 & 3 and expand on the last paragraph of the query which I agree is the best that you would nail the query.
Thanks for sharing it with us Tara and to Matt for all your suggestions.
Well done, Matthew. It's a good query but it definitely has room to grow with that specificity you're talking about. Still, the story sounds like fun!
Hope everything is okay with your family. I think you did a great job with this query. The story does sound interesting though! I think my biggest issue that you point out was the fact that we don't know Caden is a boy until way farther down, like the third paragraph, I think. It seems like a small thing, but it can be quite jarring when you assume Caden is a girl and then she's suddenly a boy in the third paragraph. Now, if she changed the name to more of a masculine name, I don't think I'd have a problem at all except maybe with the first line and defining it better.
Thanks for sharing your query with us, Tara.
Again, awesome critique Matt. The first sentence confused me, too. And like Old Kitty, I thought the friend was a girl and then did an, "Oh, wait..." as I read further.
I'm also not a fan of the word "lame" in this context. I didn't read it as the literal meaning of the word, but rather as almost a derogatory adjective describing teen (which I'm sure you didn't mean to imply). Maybe it's me being me.
As others have mentioned, I think you need to show how your story stands out from the saturated paranormal market. What makes your story unique and what is it about your paranormal novel that makes it different and fresh? As it reads now, it's another, "girl has feelings for best friend, finds out she has powers she didn't realize, there's a prophecy, plus a bad dude after her" story. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but my thought is an agent may do a "been there, done that" and move on.
I agree with Matt 100% that your 3rd paragraph is your strongest. I don't know if it would help but maybe you could make a bullet list of plot points, choose which are the ones that introduce conflict, tough choices that she faces, what's at stake, it may help to elimimate unnecessary backstory.
Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps and good luck!
I think you were very thorough, Matt. Tara need to be more specific. Sounds like a great story idea.
Glad everyone in your family is OK.
Apart from the knacks here and there, I think this is an amazing story!
I would definitely read more! Good job!
Great advice Matt - this sounds like a fun story and with a bit of polish, the query should shine! :)
Great critique!
I agree that the word lame could be more specific; it can mean a lot of different things.
Glad to hear everyone's okay!
I'm wondering if there isn't a bit of the MC's dialogue you could use in your query to give us more of a feel for her as a character.
All I can add is mythology-obsessed should have a hyphen, and overactive is one word.
And glad to hear all is well, Matt.
Tara, thanks for your courage.
Matt, thanks for your insight.
I would never have been so concise with a critique, but there was something here that did not reach out and grab me, even though it is a relatively interesting premise.
I agree/question with another comment, about backstory. Personally, I'm way to fond of backstory. Is it possible that it has NO place in a query letter.
Also, I realize that 'voice' IS important, but is hard to create in the little bit of space allocated in a good query.
Thanks for all the information.
Well, as we all know by now, Matt is the king of query dissection--and the thing he is so good at is asking for specificity.
I thought the query was good--and unlike most others wasn't tripped up by the first sentence. I loved the image of the unruly hair!
A few nits that others haven't mentioned. The sentence "Fays are real, soul-bearers who..." tripped me up. I think it needs a semi-colon or something. Also, in the "Fayted Existence" paragraph, it should be ITS, not IT'S. (Sorry, I am a whacko about its/it's.)
Finally, I don't think you need to get all hyperbolic in the end. Just thank 'em for their time and consideration--leave out the precious, and the fabulous day.
Otherwise, this sounds like an interesting story--and I'd be happy to look at the reworked query.
Thanks for being brave in sharing this, Tara. Best of luck.
(Matt, glad everything is okay after the family emergency.)
Very helpful, especially "specificity".
Great critique - as always, I read the query first, and got a vague sense that a few things were wrong but had trouble articulating it. You' nailed it though. Good job.
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