Barbara Watson's Current Query Critiqued

Here we are, it's Friday morning, thank goodness, and we've got Barbara's query letter again, this time with my feedback, which will be in red.

You guys all went and followed her yesterday, so let's just get to work.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent,

Twelve-year-old Mitch Brooks is a rule-follower but he’s disgusted with his parents about moving. So maybe that’s why he peeks inside a strangely labeled box on moving day.

This hook has all the key elements we've come to expect from good queries, but I can't help feel like it's missing a little something. You've got good characterization for Mitch, and the inciting incident seems pretty clear, but I think perhaps what's missing is voice. I can't come up with a better term or phrase, and although "rule-follower" certainly makes sense, and provides a good bit of his character, I wonder whether Mitch would put it that way. How would a kid describe himself in this situation? I'm not sure, I might have to ask my daughter.

The second sentence is better. It's a clear progression and contradiction of the first, which I think works well. One thing I think you could add here is a more specific description. "Strangely labeled" is a bit vague. How would Mitch describe it? A box with a goofy drawing on it? A package with wonky lettering on the side? A carton that looked like someone spilled hieroglyphs on the label?

Deep inside the box, Mitch unearths his mom's journal from 1967, the year before he was born. So we're in 1979/80? I like this setting very much. He knows he shouldn’t read it (especially the way his mom feels about “privacy invasion”), but come on now, who wouldn’t? So perhaps Mitch isn't the rule-follower he thought he was? I like the contradiction in character, and clearly this is probably the first time he's really stepped out of line, but you might want to figure out a way to allude to that in the query. And as Mitch reads, he discovers secrets. His mom got kicked out of her house when she became a hippie war protester. Mitch’s parents have these cut two best friends he’s never even heard of but who were drafted into the Vietnam War. And his grandparents might not be dead after all.

Okay, in many ways I really like this paragraph. It sets up some interesting possible conflicts (although we don't know which will play out), and it sets a great tone for the kind of period related topics Mitch discovers in his mom's journal, but as someone mentioned yesterday, I'm concerned how all this fits into your story. In the next paragraph, we jump back into the present. Does that make this paragraph backstory? I'll expand on that after this next paragraph.

For Mitch, even though moving really, really stinks, at least it’s interesting. Motivated by a story he hears from his new neighbors, this is too vague Mitch enlists his best friend Brian and a librarian love librarians! he just met in his new town to assist him with a secret history project designed to find answers and people.

Okay, so here's the problem. I get the feeling that the previous paragraph is not really backstory, and that perhaps your novel kind of jumps back and forth between the two time periods (which you basically say below), but that's not clear enough in the part of your query that describes the plot. We need to have a better idea of what happens, and what is the main conflict Mitch has to overcome. Does he actually travel back to 1967? Or is the story told from some other POV during those parts? Do the conflicts from the past directly effect the conflict in the present? How? What is the secret history project, and why is it going to be difficult for Mitch to complete? What tough choice will he have to make to achieve his goals?

MOVING SECRETS, my middle grade historical fiction novels are always fiction novel, shifts back and forth in time between 1967 San Francisco and 1980 Cambria, California. It is complete at 52,000 words. Otherwise, good.

Although my My background lies in teaching literature, I am new to writing it. MOVING SECRETS is my first novel, and I am querying you because [personalize with reasons I chose this agent]. If you've never been published, that's fine, no need to explain. Every writer starts somewhere, but I wouldn't mention that you're new to writing.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Barbara Watson

In summary, my biggest problem with this query is the disconnect between the two halves of the plot. I'm not sure the novel works the way I think it does, but the query does not make it clear how the past is connected to the present, or what the main conflict really is. You don't want to give away too much, like the ending or anything, but we do need a better sense of what kind of adversity Mitch has to overcome.

The only other thing I would like to see more of is MG voice. Try re-writing the query from the first person POV of Mitch, describing things how he would describe them, and then switch it back into third person, see if that helps. Unless the novel is written in third person, with a very adult sounding narrator, you want the query to match the tone.

That's not to say this isn't a good starting point for a query letter. You've clearly got an interesting character, and the premise sounds like one that would definitely entertain. You just need to make it more clear how it all works together.

That's it.

What do you guys think, dear readers? Anything I missed? Anything you'd like to add? Anything you disagree with?