Alexia Chamberlynn's Current Query Critiqued

First, a really quick announcement: be sure to visit the A to Z challenge website today, as there is something fun going on over there.

Now, let's get back to Alexia and her awesome query. As usual, my feedback will be in red.

Here goes:

Before we get started, I just want to point out that this query is already very good. It's full of voice, and very funny, which I'm sure matches the novel, but I'm going to try to nit-pick it, because that's the point of this whole thing, to try to make these letters as strong as they can be.

Also, Alexia knows to address her letter to an agent, and to spell their name correctly, she just realizes the part that matters is the meat of the query: the story.

Zyan Star is completely content with her undead existence as a witch/vampire bartender and bounty hunter. When you’re eternally damned, there’s nothing to lose, right?

I like this hook. It gives a decent sense of character, because we can feel this kind of apathy from Zy regarding her job, but I think the one thing you can be a little clearer about is exactly what kind of undead person she is. The combination of "undead existence" and "vampire" make it pretty clear she is a vampire, but the "witch," "bartender," and "bounty hunter" could be a bit clearer. The way it reads now, it almost sounds like she might be a bartender for, and a bounty hunter of, witches and vampires. I think you should try to clarify it a bit. Is she a vampire who serves drinks to witches, or is she a vampire and a witch, who serves drinks to others of her kind? It's pretty clear to me it's the latter, but some might read it as the former.

Also, because you don't make it clear in the rest of the query. I would love to know what kinds of bounties she hunts. Are there common criminals in this world, or is she normally hired to chase more high-profile targets? In this next paragraph, she becomes a bodyguard, so I'd love to know who she hunted before that, and who served the drinks while she was gone.

So when angelic(-)warrior I think this should be hyphenated, but it's kind of just a style choice, so it's up to you. Eli offers her a job protecting Earth’s Holy Representative from a vamp assassin, Zy turns him down faster than you can say cherub. LOVE this. Even if he is a tasty morsel of pure deliciousness that her best friends, a give us another word here, for characterization witch and a gay werewolf, think she’s crazy to ignore. LOVE this even more. But when she finds out the vamp hired to assassinate the HR I love this too, because it almost sounds like a Human Resources rep, but we know what you mean because you spelled it out earlier. Very funny. is the very same undead dirtbag who drained her blood, broke her heart, and left her to contemplate how much of a dumbass she is should this be was? I'm going to defer to my readers who are better grammar/tense experts than I, but I think it might need to be was. for all eternity – well, that changes things.

Except for the tiny things I mentioned, this is such a great paragraph. It's so funny, so full of voice and style, and really shows your chops as someone who can have fun with storytelling. But what really makes it great is that you get a sense of conflict, stakes, and a tough choice across on top of all that small picture stuff. Well done.

Fueled by revenge, Zy will stop at nothing to prevent her ex from accomplishing his mission. But as she moves deeper into the web of intrigue surrounding the HR, she realizes there’s a lot more at stake than her plot for revenge. Like the free will of mankind and preventing the minions of hell from taking over the sovereign dimensions. I'm not sure you even need this last sentence. The one before it was a great summary of the heightened stakes, and this last bit of world building muddies it up a bit, and I don't think we need it.

Except for the last sentence I mentioned, the rest of this paragraph is great. It raises the stakes a bit more, and summarizes the choices Zy is going to have to make quite well.

NOIR is an 80,000 word urban fantasy. I appreciate your time and consideration.

All in all this is a great query. You've got a few writing mechanics things to fix, but other than a better sense of Zy's character in the hook, and dropping a couple unnecessary things, I don't think you need to make any drastic changes.

So that's it.

What do you guys think? Do you need more world building, or do you think that's even needed with urban fantasy? What would you change about Alexia's hook? Or do you disagree with me, and think it was perfectly clear?