Adam Russell Stephens' Current Query Critiqued

All right. Let's get right down to business. For those who haven't seen me do this before, my thoughts, feedback, embarrassing anecdotes, parenthetical asides, and corny jokes will be in red. Intro and outro will be bold. Adam's query will just be regular old text. I would say black, but I can't remember if my blog style forces it into some other color, like old-crone-grey, or doo-doo-brown.

Anyway. Before I get to critiquing what Adam has shared with us already, I want to talk about query letters, and the standard structure I generally suggest when people ask me to help them with their query. However, before I even get to that, I want to point out that there are no ultimate rules. For an example of an excellent, incredibly short query (by my friend Josin L. McQuein) that broke all the standard expectations, but still worked, please see this post, at Query Shark. Seriously, read that query; it will blow your mind.

Now I'm not saying you should break the rules, just showing that it can be done.

Anyway, so assuming you want to write a regular old query letter, this is how it works: One page or less, 250 words is generally a good guideline. Usually 3 paragraphs. First is your opening hook and pitch. You need to get across a strong sense of character right away, and if you can sprinkle in some backstory, in a nice, organic way, that's great. Second, you want to introduce the conflict. If you can sprinkle in setting and stakes, great. Finally, you need to give us an idea of what choices your character has to make in order to overcome the conflict.

So that's: Character. Conflict. Choice. The three Cs.

I'm not saying this query doesn't do that, in fact it does have all the basics, but I think it's missing other things. We'll get to that in a moment.

Before I get to the actual feedback, I want to point you to one more post. My own query (which isn't anywhere near perfect, and it still a WIP), won a contest at WriteOnCon last year, and I posted the analysis of it by Literary Agent Joanna Stampfel-Volpe, which you can find: right here. She does a great job of explaining what works, and why.

Anyway, to the query:

Dear Agent,

My name is Adam Stephens, the author of a 45,000-word YA novel entitled IMPERFECT SYMMETRY.

You can skip all this. Your name needs to go at the end, with the rest of your contact info. Housekeeping like word count and genre can go up front like this, and some agents prefer it that way, but I advise people to get right to what matters: the story.

IMPERFECT SYMMETRY tells the story of 17-year-old Adam Smith, who lives a double life. Your first sentence really needs more punch than this. The first sentence is the most important one. It's good you've included his age, but we need a better sense of character. You get right to some great stuff in the next sentence, but if you can incorporate his duality into the opening, it would make for a much stronger hook. And "lives a double life" is a bit cliche. On the internet, where he has spent a substantial amount of his summer, Adam is openly gay and, as a result, has developed a suitable relationship. What is a suitable relationship? I have a suitable relationship with my boss, because even though I can't stand him, he still signs my paycheck. The people I actually care about? Our relationships better be more than just suitable. I think I know what you mean, but you need to reword it. Is it loving? Caring? Exciting? All of the above? At home, the son of a chaplain at a private Christian boarding school, Adam appears Appears? To who? I think you can use a different (better) verb here. more conservative, his orientation a deeply buried secret he hopes no one suspects. Adam’s secret is well-kept until the day his online boyfriend—who lives in Scotland—shows up Shows up, or enrolls? You need to make this clear, because the way it's written here it sounds random, and comes out of left field. I know from your blog that he enrolls, so you need to just say that in the query, although it still seems pretty random, I think it can work if you just make it clear. at Pisgah Heights Academy, Move this up to where you first mention his dad is the chaplain, and you won't have to repeat these ideas. the school where Adam attends and where his father works as chaplain. Suddenly, he must choose between his church His Faith? Is Adam a Christian, or does he fake it for his dad's sake? and his boyfriend, his heart’s truth or his secret’s lie This is vague. I like the language of it, but I don't understand what it means. What is the lie of his secret? Just the fact that he's hiding it? Ultimately, Adam also knows whatever decision he makes will no longer simply impact his life, but the lives of everyone else around him. This is pretty good. A nice sense of the stakes, even though it might be considered obvious. Only, Adam isn’t entirely sure his heart, scathed by past burns, Get specific here. What past burns? Where's mom? can take another plunge into the fire.

The full manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your consideration.

Okay. So I think the strength of your premise may be enough to garner some requests even if you don't change this query, but if you do want to tighten it up some, I would try to start with something like this:

17 year-old attacking-midfielder Adam Smith has to juggle more than just soccer balls. He spent his summer on the internet, falling in love with his Scottish boyfriend, but at home he must hide his sexual orientation, because his father is the Chaplain of the Christian boarding school he attends: Pisgah Heights Academy. His relationship isn't just a lie to be kept secret, to dad it's a sin.

So obviously that's really cheesy, and you probably wouldn't want to write it that way, but it's just an example of how you can squeeze more of the important information right into the first line or two, in order to pack more punch, and hook the agent right away.

The last thing I would say is that this query comes off as dry, and lacking voice. This is a YA novel, so try to write the query using the language that Adam Smith would. The only caveat to that is that the voice and tone of the query needs to match the style the novel is written in. If this story ends in tragedy, and therefore the writing in the book is a bit more formal, then this query's voice might be good. If the story is funny, or more lighthearted, then you will want to inject that into your query.

So that's it. What do you guys think? Can anyone write a better opening hook than I did? Come on, mine was pretty bad, surely one of you dear readers can do better.

Please leave your feedback in the comments, and feel free to disagree with me!