tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post1811061438019759511..comments2023-11-06T13:07:23.645-05:00Comments on The Quintessentially Questionable Query Experiment: Adam Russell Stephens' Current Query CritiquedMatthew MacNishhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-34651980947163894032011-08-15T20:07:08.925-04:002011-08-15T20:07:08.925-04:00i agree with Matt. I think the bones of your query...i agree with Matt. I think the bones of your query are there, just just need to build it up better, zazz it up so to speak. Follow what Matt said and i think you'll have a good draft to tinker with. As for the missing voice, the best advice i ever took for capturing voice in a query (and i promise, it works) is to write the query in the voice of the MC - write it in first person from the MC's POV and then change it to third person. The voice always comes through using that methodSarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-59377543506740831912011-08-15T08:09:09.998-04:002011-08-15T08:09:09.998-04:00You really turned this query letter around. I like...You really turned this query letter around. I like your version a lot.<br /><a href="http://clancytales.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">Wagging Tales - Blog for Writers</a>Charmaine Clancyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18059559142070140041noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-63414856793364194772011-08-14T14:29:56.042-04:002011-08-14T14:29:56.042-04:00Can't linger, I need to go take notes.. cheers...Can't linger, I need to go take notes.. cheers for the pointers!Shrinkyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18401403773851253351noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-86398229579413387722011-08-13T18:55:47.738-04:002011-08-13T18:55:47.738-04:00i thought your version did pretty welli thought your version did pretty wellj. littlejohnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11509193666669169003noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-37356648746622712872011-08-13T09:36:30.167-04:002011-08-13T09:36:30.167-04:00Hi, Adam--
Here's my go at it:
Dear Agent,
...Hi, Adam--<br /><br />Here's my go at it:<br /><br />Dear Agent,<br /><br />IMPERFECT SYMMETRY is a YA novel complete at 45,000 words. <br /><br />Seventeen-year-old Adam Smith lives a double life. On the internet he is openly gay and in love. But being the son of a chaplain at a private Christian boarding school has buried who he really is. Deep. <br /><br />Adam’s secret is well-kept until the day his online boyfriend—who lives in Scotland—shows up at Pisgah Heights Academy. Suddenly, he is forced to confront the lies he has told. Even to himself. He must choose between his church and his boyfriend. <br /><br />Ultimately, whatever decision Adam makes will impact his life and everyone he loves. Is his heart strong enough to take the plunge into the truth?<br /><br />The full manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your consideration.<br />----------------<br /><br />Hope this helps. Kudos for putting your query out there. You certainly chose the perfect venue--the QQQE is awesome. I wish you the best of luck on your query journey!K. M. Waltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07167022736028223997noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-72186412073303014702011-08-13T08:44:32.860-04:002011-08-13T08:44:32.860-04:00I really like how you helped focus the query so it...I really like how you helped focus the query so it's much tighter. I was thinking the same thing about the voice, that it comes off as a bit dry. Like you said, if it matches the tone of the story then it could work, but otherwise it might be a bit off-putting. Best of luck to Adam!Anna Staniszewskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09316883819771607655noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-3389184778755276962011-08-12T22:53:39.861-04:002011-08-12T22:53:39.861-04:00Alright, Matt made me come here. I have not read a...Alright, Matt made me come here. I have not read any other comments, so forgive me any repetition.<br /><br />I love the premise of this story, but the way it is explained in the query makes everything sound contrived and convenient. The story itself may be anything but contrived, but the query does not lead me to believe that.<br /><br />I am also wondering about the internet relationship, I need more. Does Adam like the relationship because it's easier to not have someone in his town? Does his bf showing up create other problems beside Adam having to choose his identity?<br /><br />I suppose I am jumping the gun on a few of these topics, otherwise the query would end up at a page itself.<br /><br />Lastly, I want to give Adam mad props for putting this out there. I have a hard time putting my own writing on my blog and I have the power to remove it if I want.<br /><br />Matt, you've proven your site is a positive and supportive venue and when I get to the querying stage, I'll send you my query, chin up.Jonathon Arntsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17366218140886892757noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-31185170328195368052011-08-12T20:11:48.912-04:002011-08-12T20:11:48.912-04:00Much better - that first sentence needs to start w...Much better - that first sentence needs to start with a punch and then never let up.<br />I did like the brevity of it - one paragraph is perfect.L. Diane Wolfehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06425864276166334896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-76633391235467726512011-08-12T18:27:40.671-04:002011-08-12T18:27:40.671-04:00I came late to the par-tay, but that's okay, b...I came late to the par-tay, but that's okay, because there's some solid advice here...a lot of it repeats, which tells me that it's probably correct.<br /><br />Thanks so much for sharing this query...we all learn from these things.Anitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06333494452915600562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-772699627956032282011-08-12T16:59:07.755-04:002011-08-12T16:59:07.755-04:00Late again, so all the good stuff's been said....Late again, so all the good stuff's been said. I'll just add my voice to the 'great story, query a bit dry' brigade. I'd love to see a revised version. I do worry that 45k is a bit short for commercial publication, but that might not be the aim.<br /><br />Totally unrelated but I would pay money to see old-crone-grey in the crayola box :)Sarah Tokeleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13273148070092101085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-78218994228939248172011-08-12T16:05:15.164-04:002011-08-12T16:05:15.164-04:00Matt,
You deserve much praise for your excellent,...Matt,<br /><br />You deserve much praise for your excellent, honest, and thorough gutting of my U-G-L-Y baby. I am indebted to you forever!<br /><br />And thank you all so much for your comments!! You have helped improve me 100%.Anthony L. Isomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11692372512747494474noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-67043002264177011532011-08-12T15:30:16.265-04:002011-08-12T15:30:16.265-04:00I think your critique is great. The character is d...I think your critique is great. The character is dealing with a lot of serious stuff but the way it's described is hum drum. I like that you told him to "kick it up a notch!"Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12160669603997465454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-48559855374144585152011-08-12T14:09:30.646-04:002011-08-12T14:09:30.646-04:00I'd like to add to Matt's excellent summat...I'd like to add to Matt's excellent summation of the "three Cs" that a good query often takes the form of three paragraphs: hook/query (the "meat"), housekeeping (where you put the stuff about ho long it is, who the intended audience is, and why you chose this particular agent), and resume (where you list your publishing history if you have one, and any memberships in professional organizations for writers).<br /><br />Angela Felsted makes a good point about the protag's faith, and its role in the story (and possibly your query).<br /><br />As for an opener, there are lots of ways you could go. Matt came up with a good one, but I think you could even go straight to the stakes: "17-year-old Adam Smith's fear of his Chaplain father has him buried in the closet. But with his online boyfriend's surprise enrollment at his father's school, Adam is forced to choose between the family he has always known and the love that pulls him forward. Either way, someone's heart is going to get broken."<br /><br />Or something like that. The second sentence is crappy, and I don' know anything about your book, so you'll be able to come up with much better specifics than I did.<br /><br />The key, as Matt pointed out, is being specific, and eliminating vague statements. And I agree that writing it to match the "voice" in your novel is a must.<br /><br />Good luck! Your premise sounds awesome, and I look forward to seeing this one on the shelves. :-)Ishta Mercuriohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17776946702988283453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-88292785387915728762011-08-12T13:10:21.957-04:002011-08-12T13:10:21.957-04:00I actually think you mostly nailed it, Matt. AND I...I actually think you mostly nailed it, Matt. AND I totally think he will gets lots of requests for this one, once he makes it punchier--nice work!Christina Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01799776834213400246noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-58396253477631043652011-08-12T11:47:53.964-04:002011-08-12T11:47:53.964-04:00This sounds like an intriguing story - but I agree...This sounds like an intriguing story - but I agree with Matt - it could use some spice. You've got a story dealing with strong emotions - let us feel those. If possible, get some of that choice worded into the first sentence, or at least the first chunk.<br /><br />Great title btw! Good luck with it :)Jemi Fraserhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02214408467456320167noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-2042619346145412552011-08-12T11:28:53.645-04:002011-08-12T11:28:53.645-04:00Great breakdown, Matthew! And good luck to Adam in...Great breakdown, Matthew! And good luck to Adam in working the important things in while keeping the voice of your work. I love that there are blogs like this because queries are so tough! And after you've written an entire novel with themes this heavy, it's hard to pack that into a few brief paragraphs. I like Matt's ideas for the beginning. Always front-load a query with the catchy and the conflict! :)Katrina L. Lantzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06871272394922775923noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-84263889930951656192011-08-12T11:08:28.442-04:002011-08-12T11:08:28.442-04:00I would say that were I an agent (which I am not) ...I would say that were I an agent (which I am not) I would probably flip ahead to the first few pages pretty quickly because the premise sounds very intriguing. I would want to see what kind of voice this author has when he tell this story because (for me) that is what the query lacks, a sense of the voice of the author.<br /><br />But I would definitely read pages to see what there was.<br /><br />Shelleystoryqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07039684494823420722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-19814498939512342352011-08-12T10:59:44.943-04:002011-08-12T10:59:44.943-04:00You hit on everything so well Matthew it's har...You hit on everything so well Matthew it's hard to find something to say. I love your example of a rewrite that you have in italics. It would be nice to see a revision of this query once he goes through all the suggested changes.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-77988894776021623832011-08-12T10:56:32.763-04:002011-08-12T10:56:32.763-04:00I really enjoyed your opening. You spelled so much...I really enjoyed your opening. You spelled so much out and I love the idea in using the 3 C's. <br /><br />Adam, great work. I like the story and look forward to reading it. But you need a first sentence that gives us more. in the way of personality and packing a punch. Offer something to entice the reader, something that will pique their curiosity and set you apart.<br /><br />Good Luck.Shain Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01908810007467259885noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-44075200620170803212011-08-12T10:48:14.132-04:002011-08-12T10:48:14.132-04:00I like the premise of this book. I like Matthew&#...I like the premise of this book. I like Matthew's suggested revision for the opening. <br />I agree with the voice thing. I think so much voice comes across on Adam's blog when he's writing about this book. Maybe adding some of the voice he uses when he talks about the book on his blog into the query letter.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18226974782422398270noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-31658136062197118422011-08-12T10:16:26.649-04:002011-08-12T10:16:26.649-04:00I like the idea of the story a lot.
Do you juggle...I like the idea of the story a lot.<br /><br />Do you juggle soccer balls?<br /><br />I think Matthew makes some great suggestions, Adam. I'm kind of interested in what Adam's goal for this work is.<br /><br />For example, knowing that Adam is young and just kind of starting out, does he see this as a step in his development as a writer (finishing your first work of this length is an amazing accomplishment)?<br /><br />Or... is he working toward publication of THIS product?<br /><br />If so, I think the 45,000 word length may be a bit short for a subject of this level of maturity. That, like so many things, is not a hard and fast rule... just maybe.<br /><br />Works of this length are frequently published as e-books, and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of agencies (in fact, MOST agencies) are evolving into facilitators for authors who do exactly that, and they can help with a lot of the editorial and other technical details involved in producing a quality "indie" title.<br /><br />Also, I don't think the intro lines are necessarily bad. It's easy for an agent to see name, title, length, etc., and an agent's eyes would naturally skip down to the chunky paragraph that describes the essence of the story.<br /><br />I do like Matthew's description of the 3 Cs, though. This is brilliant advice, and easy for writers to wrap their heads around.<br /><br />I also agree with Kitty about Adam Smith. I don't mind the first name part being the same as the author's, but, as an Econ major, any time I hear Adam Smith I start thinking about free market capitalism and supply and demand. Which might be very clever if there were references and joking hints relating economics to sexuality and perhaps the regimentation of the protagonist's upbringing.<br /><br />I want to know more about the story, as well as what the author's intentions regarding his work are.<br /><br />Nice job, Matthew.<br /><br />And great going, Adam!Andrew Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08653604603439566101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-70417639299049199712011-08-12T09:44:23.035-04:002011-08-12T09:44:23.035-04:00I so agree with your analysis, Matt, and your open...I so agree with your analysis, Matt, and your opening paragraph is a goal scorer. (Although the juggling balls may be a bit Freudian.)<br /><br />I think the main thing this query needs is voice. A dry-sounding query will get subconscious bells in an agent's mind aringing: "Is the book written like this as well?"<br /><br />This query needs more punch and character--emotion, really. I saw Adam's writing on his blog, and know he can do it.<br /><br />Adam, I think you've got a great story here. If you follow Matt's suggestions, I think you'll have a great query too. (I should know. It was only after my query got the QQQE treatment that I started getting requests.)<br /><br />Good luck, Adam, and thanks for sharing your work.Michael G-Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947421844294471304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-9420988586472101692011-08-12T09:41:05.739-04:002011-08-12T09:41:05.739-04:00I agree, you did a great job improving upon the or...I agree, you did a great job improving upon the original and I'd wager if that query was tightened up and given more voice as you suggest it will garner some interest.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-40089906470038126122011-08-12T09:35:45.385-04:002011-08-12T09:35:45.385-04:00Terrific analysis, Matt.
I enjoyed reading your q...Terrific analysis, Matt.<br /><br />I enjoyed reading your query, too. I hadn't seen that post.Donna K. Weaverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15763832177263927311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5345890055658252124.post-60956857660471942842011-08-12T09:20:47.100-04:002011-08-12T09:20:47.100-04:00Great comments, Matt. I like the changes to the op...Great comments, Matt. I like the changes to the opening graph. Much punchier and there's more voice.Lydia Kanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00484415427764822386noreply@blogger.com